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Troy 5d
You know it surprises me
How little we think about it
When we are happy
It seems natural

But in reality
We as humans
Aren’t a happy species
But a sad one

We cling to others
It drives away the loneliness
It drives away the sadness
It drives away the fear

But when we lose that one person
That can make all the darkness
Just disappear into thin air
We regress to our nature state

It haunts us subconsciously
We don’t think about it til it’s too late
And once it happens we fight to fix it
And sometimes it can’t be fixed

Sometimes things break too much
And no amount of time will fix it
And then the darkness sets in
Causing us to fall father into despair

The self doubt sets in
And it only gets worse from there
Doubt turns to hatred
And it turns into a never ending battle

Some are able to overcome it
Some are not able to
And it’s the ones who can’t overcome
That you should worry about the most

The darkness has set root in their hearts
So deep that it’s almost ingrained
It becomes a part of them
And they will never be the same

Some don’t make it
Others do
But don’t leave them alone for too long
Cause loneliness is when it’s the worst

Their minds race with so many thoughts
Voices screaming and yelling
That they’ll always be alone
Or much much worse

This is currently where I stand
On the edge of abyss
I have a person I like
That makes the darkness run away

They come around
From time to time
But when they are away
I feel completely alone

When they are around
I feel like I can be happy again
And when I’m with them I am
Like I can take on the world

But when I’m alone
It’s a different story
I feel lost and abandoned
Feeling like no one actually cares

And to be honest
I think they are the only one
Who actually understands
The darkness of my mind

I’m not a smiley person
Nor am I a people person
But when I’m around them
I smile and socialize

They make me feel safe
Like I can trust them with anything
And they won’t judge me for it
I don’t feel like I need a mask

I like being their friend
But I want something more
Something deeper in connection
But I don’t think they feel the same

I don’t want to be lost forever
I don’t want to have a lonely existence
I want to feel safe with them by my side
For the rest of our lives

I just don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to start
Or where it will end up
All I know is I can’t do life without them
Troy May 17
What’s the point of love?
You only get hurt in the end
Traumatized and broken
Left to feel unwanted

Begging to understand
What exactly happened
Why you are left alone
Why they chose to hurt you

You fear the loneliness
Yet you also accept it
For it’s the only thing
That won’t leave you

The sorrow and emptiness
Is almost comforting
It surrounds you
Holding onto you tight

Yet at the same time
You feel a urning
A urning of love
But too afraid to grasp

Tossed in an endless torrent
Of back and forth emotions
Wishing with all your heart
Things would have been different

Darkness clouds your heart
You turn away from love
Knowing that in the end
It’s only going to hurt

No matter how much you beg
No matter how much you wish
No matter how much you cry
They don’t see how bad you hurt

They don’t see how much you love
They don’t see how much you want them
How badly you need them to be there
How badly you crave their touch

You dream of the past
Wishing the love was still there
Then remember the pain
And begin to cry again
Troy Apr 10
All I wanted was a chance
And you can’t give me that
So I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart

It’s not for you anymore
It was meant for someone else
Someone who loves me back
Someone who actually cares

All you did was play with my heart
All you did was toy with my love
I never meant to hurt you
But all you did was use me

I’ll give it to someone special
Someone who sees my worth
Someone who loves me
Someone who won’t break my heart

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

I loved you unconditionally
You said you’d never leave me
Yet here I stand
Begging for you back

But no longer
I’m sick of the abuse
The lies
And all the use

You only cared about me
When I held your body
When I touched your
Ooooooooooooo

And yet you think you loved me
When you don’t even know
What love really is
Your toxic love abuse

Never will I go back
To the lying and the cold shoulder
I’m done with all the pain
I’m taking my love back

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

You left me down and broken
You tossed me aside
You saw the damage you did
And you didn’t even bat an eye

You twisted my love
Used me and abused me
Left me out to dry
But I’m done with all the pain

All your lies and empty promises
Like being forever there
You only went and lost me
This unconditional love
I was constantly lied to, emotionally and mentally abused, and I am now sick of it. I'm ending the relationship all together and I'm done. I loved this man unconditionally and he only used that love, giving me the cold shoulder and constantly belittling my efforts.
Troy Apr 6
13 sparks of creation
13 origins of the universe
All working together
Forming life itself

13 living beings
Living origins of time itself
Set upon this dimension
To set it right

Starseeds were our weapon
To create harmony
To transcend this dimension
Into the next ascension

We are slowly being awakened
To our full abilities
Though some have always been
Others need triggers

This sparks trigger sent them
Far beyond this galaxy
Back to the planet
In which they were before

Awakened now
But not able to shine
Not yet anyway
But soon

I call upon the sparks
Givers of life
Creators of the universe
It is time to awaken

Time to finish the starseed
Time to ascend
I call upon you now
To cast your energy over the universe

Transcend this plain of existence
Those who fall will fall
Those who rise will rise
But we can not wait no longer
Troy Apr 3
You know when your heart breaks
And you feel empty inside
Void of anything but the loneliness
Trapped in an endless cycle

That’s kind of how I feel
When you are gone
I try so hard to understand
But I keep coming to the same reasoning

I’m lost without you
Spiraling into the abyss
Fighting to stay afloat
But around you it’s a different story

Everytime I’m around you
It feels like the world stands still
I’m filled with endless joy
And all the darkness fades

Listening to your heart beat
Is the most soothing thing
In the world to me
It’s why I lay on your chest so much

Feeling the touch of your skin
Underneath my fingertips
Hearing you talk and joke around
Even your scent brings me joy

I truly am happy when I’m around you
And yes there are times
That my head goes dark
But with one touch they vanish

I long for the day
That I can call you mine again
I want to give you
The same peace you give me

I want to see you smile again
To hear your laughter
To feel the joy you have when we embrace
To feel the love again

I want that more than anything in the world
You know this to be true
And I’m sorry it’s all I ever think about
I know it’s a touchy subject

I just want to rekindle what we had
And I know you did at one point too
I don’t know if you still do
But I am willing to try

I want to risk everything for you
I want a second chance with you
Even if you set rules I will obey
Cause all I want is to be able to lay next to you

To greet you when you come home
From a hard days work
With dinner on the table
And your favorite scented candle

To make you feel like
When you step into the house
You aren’t just coming back from work
You are walking into a loving home
Troy Mar 30
Heard some news today
Kinda of a shock to my ears
You fell for another again
While I stand here heart broken

Now don’t get me wrong
I’m happy for you
You are looking happier again
And maybe I’m just wrong

But I was hoping it would have been me
But now I see that that thinking was false
I was never even on your mind
No matter how many times I truly tried

Now I stand here with a broken heart
Wishing you good luck as the bleeding starts
Putting on a fake smile and hiding away the pain
As you sit there all giddy and childlike

I know what true love feels like
But I know it will never be in my cards
I had it once but lost it hard
And all because it was ripped apart

I so badly want to be your friend
The one you run to when things get hard
But deep inside me know I can’t
Cause I’ll never have a platonic heart

My love for you is far to strong
For something as simple as friends
You are my best friend
And the only one to hold my heart

Yeah we once use to date
Hell we were even engaged
But with one simple act
You ripped out my heart

Caused me so much unbearable pain
Yet I still loved you
I still wanted to marry you
What does that say about me

I’m too loyal
Or that I’m delusional
Or maybe I just love you
Unconditionally

I want to be close to you
I want to be there for you
Through everything you do
To help you succeed and fail alike

But to see you holding someone else
Kissing them and loving them
Like you use to do with me
Causes too much pain

I know I’ll never be with you again
And it kills me to know this
So instead today I vow
You will be the last to have my heart

I’m sealing it away
For good this time
No more pain will I be in
Once my heart and soul are stone
Troy Mar 28
The darkness is approaching again
And it’s getting stronger than before
The pain is unbearable
The sorrow is surreal

Everyday we fight it
Everyday we succeed
But only just
And we are slowly losing the war

It creeps up on us
With only the smallest of negativity
Coming at us full force
Causing the small to feel huge

Paranoia strikes
We fear something we did was wrong
We begin to freak out
Did we mess up along the way

The self doubt begins
Telling us we’re bad
That no one likes us
No one really cares

We are just tolerated
We know this is not true
But the doubt pushes on
Causing us to question ourselves

We turn to darkness
Hiding from the light
Because we don’t want others
To see us this way

Hiding in the shadows
Putting on a brave face
Wearing laughter as a mask
We hide away the pain

Fearing that if we be true
It will become reality
Society molded us wrong
And with that caused great sorrow

Mental illness isn’t a thing
We all heard it as a child
You are too young to be depressed
Yet that’s when it all starts

We fear others
Yet we need to be close
We fear they might leave us
So I’m return we hide ourselves

Running around with a blank expression
Hiding our true selves
When will the world see
That we are all broken

No one really knows when this will be
So instead of doing something
We hide in the darkness
Waiting for the light to shine

Hoping that one day
The darkness will vanish
And we can be our true selves
In the light of day
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