The darkness around me recedes leaving an empty abyss. Consciousness slowing creeps in like a venom slowly killing my will to live. I listen to the bird songs pouring through my window. A normal person would be glad to hear them, but right now I need quiet. I stumble out of bed to close the window, I look at the alcohol surrounding me, the only respite I’ve found in weeks. I close the window and fall back into bed. My best friend, the light in my darkness, gone forever. I shed a silent tear. I feel a blackness surrounding me. Not even the brightest light can help me. I pull the blanket closer and feel sleep coming, but I fight it, when I sleep I think of her. I get out of bed and try to walk to the kitchen when I fall and hit my head. I try to get up but I can’t. Everything hurts. I put my head down and sleep a sad sleep.

I listen and hear a door creak, my dog whining, a shadow in the corner of my eye, and movement that shouldn’t be there. I feel watched, like someone is right behind me, and is content to simply stand and stare until I look. I already made sure the doors were locked, and that the windows were latched, but it’s not enough. I hear the house settling, the wind blowing, but they sound different when I’m alone. The wind whispers to me how vulnerable I am all alone. The house moans about the bad people that could come and **** me without blinking an eye. My heart thumps hard, I can only hear the noises that keep me up, and the blood pounding in my ears. I feel a hand grab my shoulder, but nothing’s there. I hear a whispering voice, but it doesn’t like to be heard. I hear a gun being loaded, or a knife being taken out, but no one's with me. I lay in bed wondering what could be about to attack or hurt me. I think whether the doors were actually locked or not. When I hear a door creaking again, and icy grasp holds my heart. I start crying until I have no tears left to cry. The fear is real no matter what. I lay like this until I slip away into a haunted sleep.

My mind swirls in an endless trance, I see empty faces. I look at the food situated in front of me. I look at the people that I once loved, but all I see are strangers. They never truly understood me. I want to puke. Instead, I push away from the table and walk to my room, people knock and try to open the door but I need to be alone. I can’t be here right now. I jump out the window and run. I run as far as I can. I turn the corner and keep running. I cross the street and I keep running. My feet hit the ground, my lungs yell for respite that I can’t bring myself to give them. I collapse when I can’t breathe anymore. I lay on the grass of my favorite place in the world. The park, I can be alone here, no one comes here anymore, not since they destroyed all the equipment. I look around at the grass that never seems to end. I lay on it, crying. “I am truly alone,” I say to myself, as I drift to sleep.

I look around at the hollow faces surrounding me. They show no emotion or any sign of knowing what they were doing to the kid. He braces himself against a locker, nose broken, unable to stand up, and they keep going. I know when I joined their group I signed up to make people lives miserable, but I never wanted to hurt them. I stare at the kid that pain displayed on his face. He has a look of pure hatred written all over his face, I want to tell them to stop but I can’t. I turn on my heels and walk away. They yell after me to come back and get some of the action, but I can’t. This poor kid did nothing to deserve this, but I can’t bring myself to stop him. I walk out and get in the car. I turn the ignition and drive away. I was most of their way of getting home but I don’t care. I need to be alone. I signed up to hurt others, not thinking of the consequence, all I wanted was to be popular, but the price was much higher than I thought it would be. My soul.

I walk down the familiar hallway of my home. “Today is the day you take your life back,” I tell myself. I walk to where my mother completes work that she’s always been busy with, the work that took her away from me. I nervously recite what I want to say. I want to let her know about the pain I feel. The anger I feel at people. The grudges I keep. The pain of feeling alone day and night. I reach for the *** and stop. “Why?” the voices say “She’ll never understand.” “She doesn’t care, no else does.” I retract my hand and retreat to the one place I can be alone. I stare at my ceiling counting the cuts on my arm. Wishing one of them would have cut deep enough to end it all. I stare at the pills I’ve kept for days like this. I turn away from them and the ice shatters inside, replaced with an empty abyss. I wish for the ice. At least then I felt something. I shed a frozen tear, wishing my life to seep away.

I wake up expecting pain, agony, fear. Instead, I wake up to nothing. A dark room full of shadows casted by my demons. They seem to be afraid of morning light. They run off their tails between their legs, scared of whatever comes with day. The longer I think on it the more it makes sense. My monsters are afraid of hope. Hope is a bright light that shines away all of my monsters, he hugs me in his sweet embrace with fatherly love. I hear him saying “It’s alright now. They're gone.” Pain, agony, and fear always have and always will bow down hope.

I look through my heart.
When will the plague stop blocking my true feeling that hides in the far corners?
I look for art.
But all I find are mourners of emotions.

When will I find the sweet respite of hopes reassuring grasp?
Where will I find the sweet fruit that is a release from the pain I feel inside.
The pain floods in and freezes my soul like cold water, making me gasp.
I look for some a small piece of insight, of when I might be released from the iron hold of sadness its hold grip so tight.

I watch the shadows grow larger from my window.
With it, my fears grow until they cloud my vision.
I feel like a mother that has been widowed.
Of her husband, I feel a loss beyond comprehension, it makes me feel as though I am in owe to feel the pain night brings.

I curl under my blankets, trying to melt the ice growing in my soul.
I drift into a dark sleep trying to find my good friend hope.
But all I see are gaping holes.
I wait for someone to walk in and take away my pain, but like everything else I am let down, there was never anything to help.