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Oct 2018 · 177
Not the Child
Katy Sauer Oct 2018
I lay myself in the road
Waiting for either oncoming traffic
Or finally, finally
                   FINALLY
Someone to come along
Pick up my broken pieces
And carry me to safety.
But I am not the child
Easily excused of tantrums,
Forgiven for irrational behavior.
Somehow I’ve become an adult
And expectations weigh on me
To know how to cross this street
All on my own, all by myself.
Oct 2018 · 168
I Have a Dream
Katy Sauer Oct 2018
I have a dream
Of a home on a hill
With a meadow
and a stream
Flowers dotting countryside
A breeze blowing gently
Through the trees
As long as my eyes are closed
I can still believe
But hope is a four letter word
And sometimes truth is
Nothing but deceit
I have a nightmare
Of a house on a hill
With a blazing fire
And nothing but smoke in the air
I’m running through tall grass
Suddenly turned to sharp, sharp glass
Bullets made of rage and lies
Mortar shells and mines exploding
Rocking the ground beneath my feet
I reach the trees and finally rest
Barely breathing, barely being
But finally seeing, eyes wide open
I have a dream of a home
That now I know, I’ve never seen.
Oct 2018 · 194
An Attack of Panic
Katy Sauer Oct 2018
Frigid fingers running down my spine
Wrapping around and squeezing my lungs
Coating me in thick layers of ice.
I'm forcing my feet flat on the ground,
Gripping onto the present so tightly
My knuckles turn an ugly shade of bone white.
Eyes darting, landing on things
In the now, hoping to not get lost
In hidden movies that attack me from the shadows
Mental VHS tapes that replay in high definition
Making me doubt my sanity.
Terror running so deep that I reach for blades
To carve not just into my skin
But my very own identity.
Chopping off chunks to store the flash flood
Without drowning in the swamp.
This saving grace rapidly turning
Into the one and only thing, I may not survive.
Shards, past broken off come back
So brittle and sharp they threaten to pierce
My heart at the slightest wrong move.
I have lived through one war only to enter another
That seems to have higher stakes.
Panic freezes my veins and leaves
Beads of cold sweat on my flesh.
I am paralyzed and frigid.
Gasping for each and every breath.
Katy Sauer Oct 2018
I have to keep pushing forward
Fighting each battle
I forget why I’m here
I can’t remember what exists
Past all the pain and the fear
I don’t have time to rest
I can’t afford the luxury of breath
I’m engaged in a war
Where sides simply don’t matter
You’d never expect it of me
Spending all my time on the frontlines
I’m bleeding, bruised, and broken
Somehow I’ve been shattered
Thousands of the sharpest pieces
Self-created weapon set on attack
Like my own cold war missile crisis
I’m just trying to create myself
How can this agony have meaning
The loss of my innocence
Destruction of my very being
I’m less of a person each time and it aches
This is the price I pay for staying alive
On a battlefield made of childhood
All I know is how to keep moving
One small footstep in front of the other
May 2015 · 673
Out of the Valley
Katy Sauer May 2015
It's as if
I've stepped
Out of the valley
of a mountain
but instead of
seeing hopeless
forever journey
my eyes light
upon the glint
of the sun
the winding twisting
pathways, which are many
I can see the tricky
dangerous leaps
and the stretches
of peaceful flowers
rocks crusted in ice
and cliffs laced in ivy
but most of all
the beauty from
all the pain
and a life
not spent in death.
How it feels to come out of depression for me
May 2015 · 303
To be Alive
Katy Sauer May 2015
If I could
I'd run away
from being me
I'd let this
endless journey go
to finally be free
but I am reminded
that every path
has it's burdens
to flee is pointless
you can not escape
the pain that is
to be alive.
May 2015 · 509
Bittersweet
Katy Sauer May 2015
Death, a bittersweet ending
So tempting in it's finality
the release, the numbness
suffocating me, causing me
to romanticize horrors
the opening
of my very own veins
pouring out
every single drop
of my ebony red life.
Written while in a crisis unit
May 2015 · 417
Just
Katy Sauer May 2015
Possibly the ugliest word
Just
Used to excuse
Thrown about to limit
Quantifying my experience
With your own.
You say it with such ease,
Just a joke,
Just a little,
Just a girl,
Just this one time.
Like you can know
What anything
means to me.
Your just jokes have power
to make me bleed internally,
to press play on tapes
recorded since my birth,
embedded in my brain.
Your just a little
could span a canyon
or possibly to the sun,
little enough to
rewrite the course of my life.
Your just a girl,
quantifying my worth
through my gender,
pushing me to reject
my very flesh.
Just this one time
making me doubt my
own thoughts
cursing me to minimize
every single one time
and how it broke me
before I was even grown.
And if that was not enough Just
Stealing my sanity
Undermining my success
Just school
Just graduation
Just a job
like living in constant
anxious waiting
and making straight A's
was no big deal
multiple suicide attempts
and losing hope over and over
was nothing
After all of this
I'd love to just you
yet I can't.
Even as I carry on,
it can not be
just my past.
I will never call you
just a man.
You are not a man or
just a predator,
you are so much more
than one word
Just a father
because you never were
and you never will be.
May 2015 · 321
Now the Night is Over
Katy Sauer May 2015
Response to a very general demand
Compact is compatible
Seldom if ever, used
Fall below the general standard set.

Now the night is over

Very real enrichment
Outpourings of the hearts of the people
Give Expression to
New expression in,
Inner life,
In such large measure.
Poem created by blocking out phrases in an old hymnal in order through the page.
Feb 2013 · 478
Risk to Lose
Katy Sauer Feb 2013
I want to run
desperately want to flee
but somehow I choose
to risk to lose
the very heart within my chest
giving you all my very best
hoping to never grieve
I choose for you to not believe
like so many before
walking through an open door
Aug 2012 · 418
Natures Melody
Katy Sauer Aug 2012
Lay quietly in nature and observe
The way the wind moves the grass
And rustles a tune on the trees ..
And if you wait long enough
You will hear the song seem to stop
And think that it is over
Stay still, quiet, breath slow
Close your eyes.. rest
And when you are ready
You will hear the melody
With your heart.
Aug 2012 · 468
Dust and Dark
Katy Sauer Aug 2012
I wish I could keep little bits of happiness
…scraps of my joy
Bring them out and look at them
… emotional photographs
But instead my sadness weighs
…density I can not see past
And I find it hard to remember
… when the world was more
...than dust and dark
Even the rain has slipped away.
Mar 2011 · 406
No Reasons Left
Katy Sauer Mar 2011
I'm standing at the edge looking over
My feet barely steady on this shifting sand
I am empty and alone, ready to let go
I step back once, and then once more
The cliff begins to crumble
As my world begins to shake
I'm running for my lack of life
Though I no not why or where to
Apr 2010 · 514
Happy
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
So excited
And yet
So scared
Waiting, Waiting
For an answer
Close my eyes
For a whisper
See the breath
Of an angel
Dance across
The sky
Hoping that
we will
never lose
The place
We have
Gained in
This circle
of life.
Apr 2010 · 998
Abortion
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I have so much to say
Yet can not speak
Your name out loud
I want to scream
Confessions from the
Other side
Haunt my eyes
Just below the surface
I cry.
I beg.
I feel somehow incomplete.
Sometimes I wish
She had agreed,
Said yes dear, that is fine.
Let me go like the others.
Bled me out onto
white cotton sheets
staining them with
my personality
not yet formed
inside her skin
Said goodbye
Never knowing the hell
It has been.
Apr 2010 · 494
Love Change
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
It seems
that I
and you
keep
ending up
in the same
places
Bending
Breaking
to make it fit
Telling ourselves
We don't come
here
often enough
to cause a
change
I raise my
eyes high
to see
you look at
me
Hurting each
other
confusing me
This unconditional
love
suddenly conditioned
in my mind.
Apr 2010 · 621
Moments
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
It scares me to think
That this is
What life means
Living from moment to
God forsaken moment
I wonder why people
live at all
Maybe I can travel
to Germany
or Poland
and bury myself
to die with
meaning.
Apr 2010 · 406
Life
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I've waited for my
So-called life
To get 'better'
For YEARS.
Nothing has changed
Except the size
I wish I didn't wear
My mind is less
Innocent
My death more
Planned
Day by day.
Apr 2010 · 1.3k
Marilyn Monroe
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
The crowd roared to life
Screaming my name
A million glittering bulbs
Remembering, feeling
Struggling to be free
Of all the memories
That fight to hold me
Down to the ground
I will succeed
I stand taller, higher than before
I will not lose
I refuse to give in
The crowd chants my name
I smile, I pose for the camera,
I am a beautiful woman
Maybe that is all I will
Ever be.
Apr 2010 · 439
Split In Between
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
(1)
He wants to go to Florida
She wants to go to Arizona
I'm fit in the middle
Split in between
Two places in this world.

(2)
He says Blue
She says Green
I'm lost in the middle
Split in between
Two colors in this world

(3)
I say Texas,
I say turquoise,
I say I'm in the middle,
Split in between
Two people in this world.
Apr 2010 · 839
Agitation
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Don't tell me to calm down
If I could ******* CALM DOWN
I wouldn't be sitting here ready
To carve into my own veins
And watch the blood course
Through another wound
Just one more battle scar
On my road to peace
Well the more I fight
The more this so called peace
Doesn't look as good as it used to
I'd settle for some mild meyhem
Right about NOW
This chaos has worn me thin
I keep bending, not breaking
Stretching, not ripping
I have segmented myself
Into to many parts to count
Take another pill
Medicate yourself into
Oblivion, a rest stop
On my road to peace
Whatever, just don't tell me
To calm down
I take this agitation as a break
From my all out Panic.
Apr 2010 · 673
Invisible
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I cut myself
Into shreds
Hanging myself
By tattered threads
As bills pile up
The teeth of my monster
Grow sharper day by day
I forget to eat
And trade my weight
With my painful
Emotions
And still you fail to see.
Apr 2010 · 383
Alone
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I dared to look away
And lost my place
In the line of
Time.
I glanced the other way
Tripped and fell
Down.
I am not sure where
I have to go
I have become
Alone and yet surrounded
My family is gone.
Apr 2010 · 1.3k
Welcome to Hell
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Welcome to Hell
Please keep soul inside body at all times
Satan is not available for autographs
God does not make house calls
You are not welcome here
Your body will be abused
Your mind will be mistreated
If you make it,
You can say you weren't
Defeated
Apr 2010 · 1.1k
Mom
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Mom
Hi Mom,
(I'm so sad Mom)
How are you Mom?
(I'm breaking apart Mom)
I can see you're happy Mom.
(Did you forget me Mom?)
Let's talk Mom.
(Don't leave Mom.)
I have a boyfriend Mom.
(He hits me Mom)
I'm happy Mom.
(I slit my wrists Mom)
Everything's changing Mom.
(I'm dying Mom)

Goodbye Mom.

(I'm dead Mom)
Apr 2010 · 436
Realization of Rain
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I watched the road
For signs
of Change
Nothing in
         view,
Clear
        Blue
               Sky.
And then,
         I realize
It's raining,
                inside.
Apr 2010 · 796
Manic to Depressed
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Beaten up
Torn apart
And glued together
Holding up
And holding in
Every single thing
Walked upon
I sit bruised
  Broken
Numb, Hollow
Void, Accepting
I have fallen
From the top
  of the world..
Apr 2010 · 631
The Fall
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
What happens if this kills me
And I die in my sleep
Because I landed to soon
After falling into dreams

Dreams of loves touch
However, love is not necessary
Remember ignorance is bliss

So I wish to not know
Loves forever lisp
Because I have lost and loved
And prefer to have neither

Rather than risk death
From repeated landings
   After the fall.
Apr 2010 · 411
Reading Back
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Read back through the pages
Many ways I describe
My pain, close my eyes
and smile, hoping one day
Someone may read these
Random, thrown together
    words..
And find me inside my mind.
Apr 2010 · 593
Dangerous Ignorance
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
I used to sleep at night
  In the darkness
Now I watch and wait
As the stars haze
  Fills the sky
And Dawn approaches
Eyes still open
Another day
The city slumbers
Ignorant and at peace
to all the danger
That I see.
Apr 2010 · 442
Holding Up My Hands
Katy Sauer Apr 2010
Holding up my hands
You win, you lose
You breath
Cause I'm used
And I want to scream
I'm in a nightmare
Caught in this place
with no space
I'm going to live
I'm going to die
I don't know why
I keep holding up
my hands to you
Got nothing to give
So don't take me
You could break me
Holding up my hands to you.
Feb 2010 · 758
Again
Katy Sauer Feb 2010
So here we are again
Or more correctly
Here I am again
Alone within my family
I can see rock bottom again
Yearning for the solid ground
I want nothing left to lose again
Let go of my responsibilities
I could start over my start over again
I see them watching me
I feel the need to bleed again
I close this door behind me
They won't be the ones to leave, again
Feb 2010 · 564
Snow, Wind, Fire
Katy Sauer Feb 2010
These winter winds
Gracing summer steps
Aged spring sunshine
Upon Falls metal wall
Look ahead, these blends
Snowstorm in April showers
Golden leaves in August breeze
80 degree swim in March's seas
Walk upon this marbled earth
Stone upon stone making a home
Find a place, find a space
To bare yourself to natures soul
Feb 2010 · 566
Please Don't Touch
Katy Sauer Feb 2010
Please don't touch
I can't stand
To be touched
I don't know why
Something inside
Tells me to scream
No! It's not you
There is something
Wrong with me
Please don't touch
I'm not ready
To leave my childhood
I'm broken and shattered
I'm shaking
Can't you see?
Please don't touch
I know that sounds mean
I'm seventeen
Suddenly I think I'm three
Please, don't touch me.
Feb 2010 · 377
Her/ Me
Katy Sauer Feb 2010
I guess you didn't know,
That she wasn't me,
Just a fairy tale image
Of what I thought
I needed to be.
Feb 2010 · 523
Fighting For Happiness
Katy Sauer Feb 2010
I try to write of happiness
Yet I bleed between the lines
My prose, it isn't pleasant
My words are heavy and dark
I've seen the light through
The pieces of my shattered heart
And as I heal the anger grows
The hunger explodes
To let them know
I didn't go down,
I never gave up,
I refuse to stop
I may struggle to be 'normal'
I may fight to keep the peace
But though you tried your hardest
I didn't go down,
I never gave up
I refuse to stop

— The End —