2015
christmas eve
The day we met

I immediately fell in love
in love with your sparkling blue eyes
your straight blonde hair
your beautiful hands

March
2015

we kiss
it felt like all I ever wanted
I loved you more than anything else

It were those little things that made us so special
the way I always waved you goodbye
every day when you left

I remember the one time I didn´t
It felt like my heart was being torn apart
I run outside
not wearing shoes or socks
but I just couldn´t let you go
without telling you
I love you

I screamed your name
and jumped into your arms
it was the way you swang me around
in the dark
that made me love you

It was the way we layed on the playground
in the nighttime
just the two of us
looking into the sky
you holding me close
inside your arms
that made me love you

It was the way you stopped
in the middel of the sidewalk
to go back holding the door open for a pizza men
that made me love you

It was the way you always looked at me
right after we kissed
right before you told me
told me you loved me
the sparkle in your eyes
the kidness
that made me love you

February
2016
we broke up

January
2018
Birthday party
I arrive
You were already there

I still remember the tasted of your kiss
nicotine and beer
and we kissed
all night long

March
2018
we hug
and tell each other
that we love the other one
but it isn´t the right time

you go
and once more
I wave goodbye as you leave
but this time
you do not turn around.

Sometimes I wonder

do you think of me
when you hear the song
the song that played when we first kissed
the song that we danced to

do you think of me
when you smell my perfume
the perfume that I left at your home
the perfume that I wore when we first met

do you think of me
when you hear my name
the name my mother gave me
the name you whispered in my ear

because I do
I skip our song because it takes me back
I have flashbacks when I smell your perfume
I avoid saying your name because it tears me apart

but I don´t think about you anymore
I just remember
because I learned
learned it is the past

It beginns
Hands are starting to shake
palms are sweaty
shivering, freezing, sweating
It´s cold, then hot

Focus on your breath
in and out
in and out

don´t move
don´t scream
don´t ask for help
don´t call your mother, or sister
don´t call anybody
just sit
quiet

panic
illusional fear
mortal agony

cry
continue

stand up
grab the razor blades
breathe
in and out
in and out

focus
don´t call for help
they wouldn´t understand
You are the only one who can help yourself

breathe
in and out
IN AND OUT
faster
panic
panic
panic

cry
cry
survive

20 minutes pass.

the body can only panic for 20 minutes.
You survived

end.

Worthless
the way I feel
Worthless
the way others made me feel
Worthless
the way I try to improve
Worthless
the way others ruined my progress
Worthless
the way to continue fighting
Worthless
the way others told me to give up

Worthless
to keep living this way
Worthless
to keep bringing me down
Worthless
to keep listening to what they say
Worthless
to keep changing for others
Worthless
is NOT who I am