Nobody knows,
the way her heart beats to the rhythm of a rhyme,
moving to the sway of a song.
Or the way her words unravel on the unborn pages that hatch in her head.
Like the pockets of seeds that settle in the late spring.
They pop,
and grow.
yet she doesn't grow.
A seed unhappy, unkempt, unloved.
Like a thorn in her side, a rock on her feet.
It encases her,
drowns her, until she suffocates.
Unable to hide from her true being.
Deformed and broken with her scars that sear.
From stares, she stumbles.
Anxious, envious, and cowardly.
Courageous, only in appearance,
When all she can do is choke on her words.
Nobody knows.

My name was like warm chocolate,
with the way it easily slipped with a smile through people’s lips.
Short and cute,
a soft lithe, to the way they said it,
the way it meant.
A slight caress that envelops me in it’s sweetness.
To the days where my kindness turns bitter,
when the near thought of my name is dry.
Names mean a lot,
like how I say yours, is different.
The way I say it,
makes you mine.

I didn't want to,
disappoint you.

So I tried to,
reassure you.

But I can't make a reflection
feel emotions

She's not used to charcoaled hands,
a pushing path
of guiding graphite.
It moves her body in certain ways
breaking boundaries
forever stable.

Is there anything I could do,
to have another chance,
to try at us two,
and gain another glance.
To glance in my direction
And garner your affection
To wrap hands around steel arms,
and embrace your mind and all its flaws.
To finally have you.

I've realized that...
when being with someone...
There is still a you.
An I
A him
A her
A he
A she
But I think of we
I think of us.
When you love someone,
they should be your equal,
or at least someone you feel comfortable with,
who you can talk with late on the phone
not just
side by side
and in bed,
feeling the echo of clicks
still alone.
I've realized that...
With you, I get so wrapped up with
I can still taste your breath,
and feel your heartbeat because it has mine
miles away,
I can feel the way your hands' intertwine,
in my hair.
The way I bury myself deep in your edges to hide my scars
You carry me off into a fabricated existence,
of my hopeless demise, too far-
gone.
I've realized that...
Sometimes I forget what's outside these stolen moments,
of hurried kisses, passionate caresses and loving phrases.
I get so caught up
At the thought
and the feeling
but maybe that's just my imagination wandering
And I think my logic is finally questioning
Who am I?
Who was I?
Where were you before this?
Where were you, the time when I crumbled?
Who was there?
Me

Who picked up the pieces?

Me


So who takes the bullet
each
and
every
time?

Me.

So when your shot and looking for someone to patch you back up
just for a while
know that a while
is never enough

I relied so much on you
I almost forgot
how much easier it is
to just heal myself.

I find myself in tangles,
deep breathing,
seething spirals,
and crystal constellations.
Wondering how I ended up in this circle.
Questioning,
When did the world become so small?

I just want
Attention,
Satisfaction.
Warm embraces
And silent hugs.
I don't need your kisses,
I just want read messages,
Phone calls and dates,
Telling me your in love.

You kept me in your womb, cozy
I am still depleting you
I yell at you
I scream at you
I'm sorry

Is it possible
to love a little more
and care a little less?

She looked like cocoa,
I'm surprised she didn't taste like chocolate,
bittersweet.
Full of disappointment

Who are they to you?
Mere friends,
like me?
Objects of potential interest?
That you found so suddenly.
My fingers ache in the morning,
When we used to talk in soliloquies.

Now I'm not even beckoned in the room,
and you leave again, so suddenly.

To not be glanced at in curiosity,
only when boredom hits,
you, so amicably feel the need to-
ask "how are you,"
"Merry Christmas,"
but I was never even on your wishlist.

I took your hand and felt my heart,
rattle inside of its cage.  
So suddenly.
Ready,
To pour you a cup of wine.
Have a drink,
things will be fine.

If I can just....
Stop
Feeling.

So suddenly, came.
These emotions,
and expectations.
Of a cup that's supposed to be filled.

I wanted to satiate
but instead,
I'm just a cup that wants to be held.

To lap up the attention,
in such a gentle cascade,
despite, desire, spiraling into my veins.

I want you to hold me,
like I'm your answer.

despite, being a cup of wine
that's filled with water.

Right now it's deceiving,
but I can't stop believing,
that so suddenly
thing's will get better.

Because for my new year's end,
and my new year's wish
is for my heart to stop hurting,
to put that cup back inside my chest.

And maybe then, when  I can heal
and when given a sign
I can pour my heart freely and ask

"Hey, would you like a glass of wine?"

Have you ever spoke,
in partial responses?
Felt other hindered hands
across your chest,
in a staggering approach.

Did you feel the way the warmth,
came across your chest?
Did you feel the pressure,
climb up against your throat?

At first,
it filled me with warmth.
a nice,
gentle embrace.

Soothing, loving arms
that spoke face to face.

That spoke face to face(s),
That spoke face to face(s)(s)(s)...

"Soothing"

"Loving"

"Arms"

That
            "spoke."

I think it's easier to focus on things that don't necessarily matter as of right now.
Instead of being overwhelmed by the things that do.
People ask me,
question.
Why I feel the way that I feel.
Why I don't do any more then I could be doing.

Because it's so much easier to kick back and relax,
then open up and explore into the outside world.

It's so much easier to not care,
because caring too much just hurts.

So I guess that's why we always care about the little things,
it's better than focusing on the bigger things.

But then we end up getting more emotional over little things.
So I always find it disappointing.
The fact that,
I was made to be broken over the big
and I'm being ******* by the small.

She stood straight in starving silhouette
begging the boy to inch closer
but all he saw was a hopeless shadow
and pleas that faded into a whisper

Don't bother to waste your breath
I watch as it pours,
in endless torrent
caressing speech and favored tongues
how does it feel to finish the words
and still feel missing

I loved you,
no matter what you did,
or how much you hurt
me.

I loved you,
no matter how you felt,
or how much you hated
yourself.

I loved you
no matter what you said
or how you fell down for
him.

I love you,
even at your weakest,
as you try to climb up again.

I love you,
no matter what.

Fck You.

It's not easy,
Sometimes.
And you have to
realize.
That's
Okay.

There is something wrong with me,
I want to see the scale.
To gorge myself on ignorant
Imaginations.
Like a boy w blue eyes and blonde hair.

Yet,
For now I succumb to the troubles of sugar,
And the trials of sweets.
That blacken the whites of my
"Perfect teeth."

I'm ravenous and hungry
For something not good for me-
Like the lost daydreams of an altered reality.

I see the effects on my mind and my body,
I can pinch the moments where my thoughts have escaped.
Or my stomach,
which
I so lovingly hate.

Or my cheeks and my neck
Or with everything else.
What is my worth?
I always feel third, forth.
But I wanna be first

Better, beautiful, brainy
So I can smile
Successfully happy.

I eat up all my hatred and envy,
I feed this constant- lonely anxiety.

Save me, save me, save me
Save me please.

I've tried and I've failed
I know what i need.

You to get me through all of this.
Tell me I can do it.
Tell me it's going to be okay
Help me believe in myself

Set me free.
Help me become,
The real, true me.

No matter how hard I try
I just-
want
to be closer to you.

I want to know what it feels like to,
exchange breaths,
against your mouth.
And have your tongue dance around,
the contours of my body.
To feel that mixture,
of heat and ecstasy.
As our bodies collide,
in tandem.
We'll speak in soft whispers,
amid hard valleys.
A rolling thunder,
a deep rumble.
That beckons,
and echoes.
Inside me.

If I had to,
I'd rather be.
Discarded once
then reused,
over
       and
              over
again.

Sweet in the beginning
Salty turns
Sour moods
And bitter burns
Or
Candied covers meet
Pretzel knots,
Mother's apples
And coffee drops
So
Happy out
Mad within
Confused for now
Sad-?
Not forever.

Things will be okay again.

Did u love me more then?
Do u love me more now?
Or do you love,
The idea
Of who I could be.

I prepared myself for this,
I was made for this,
I say.
Taking a step forward,
With my ponytail all the way.
Maybe if I stood straight,
they won't notice,
my body shake
amidst the apposer,
who saw me and called me over.
Reviewing my file,
she smelled of pity
and smiled judgment.
a juxtaposed understanding,
of my mocking opposition.

she
held a flower,
crushed it
and offered it to me.

Each petal being a dying answer.

This understanding chaos
that threatened to devour.

Did she know.
How it felt,
to walk back, empty.

To walk through corridors,
feeling shut from opportunity.

To hear each step stutter in regret.

And walk past your hopes,
heart heavy.

I don't need your pity,
I don't need your understanding.

I just want to know,
that things will be okay.

Even if I can't feel at all.
I'll
      move
                  forward.

Still waiting for your answer.

But honestly,
Fck that hallway.

Before.

If I had a choice.
I'd pick a book without a voice.
A book of comfort,
who,
lay open bare.
Wet pages,
I'd skim,
decipher and fill in
Its own blank pages.
All the while,
ripping out my own spine,
to seal a crooked title
on an unpainted canvas.

And now.

If I had a choice
I'd pick a book that had a voice
that kept me reading,
even after the first chapter.
No more *******,
happily ever afters.
There would be sequels,
and short conclusions.
To a tale that is never-ending,
Because
they were brave enough,
to fill their pages.

And I'm wise enough,
to read,
and write,
my own.

I saw photos of you,
again.
How happy you were,
unaware.
I should've told you then
But I thought you knew.
The difference
between
lust and lonely.

But you were happy.
again.

Would you still have been,
even when
kisses trailed down your thighs
dangerous, enticing.
Whispered little lies,
that told you to keep going.

You thought you wanted something.
you didn't want to leave,
desire,
embarrassing, bare.
Your voice crooked,
back of your throat,
head shook,
"no"
but he kept going.

She wakes up,
puts on noise to try to,
brighten up the void,
in need to,
tell her what to do.

She listens,
tries to understand that,
maybe learn something that,
will help her live alright,
right?

And the words keep coming,
but the exhaustion weighs her down,

She eats hoping,
it will make a difference,
momentum vs. resilience

She lost one,
has trouble,
gains none,
from the other.

She's disappointed.
But so tired,
of being awake
and just wanting,
to dream.

I've seen you build bridges
between
discomfort and discipline.
I've watched you cross chasms
of
reality and resilience
I've heard the battle cries,
as
you lay there victorious.
You continue to crush your enemies.
But somehow,
leave your beliefs in the ring.
You're a winner in paper and appearance
but you've lost in spirit.
And that's the battle that counts.
Because I know you.

And you never lose.

I reach out in forbidden distress,
trying to catch the empty
and still, somehow
get shocked when my hands fall through
to thin expectations
and laughable promises
I made myself believe

Just tell me.
Tell me if I passed,
tell me what I gotta do,
As,
I wring myself wry
and fill myself, satiated.
body humming to the sound
of taste.
that climbs down,
acrid,
and climbs up acid.
Exhausted.
Rooted in embraces
and awakened lullabies
I watch as winter shivers.
An empty reflection.
Just tell me
So maybe,
I can feel warm inside.

Is it so hard
to seek,
forever embraces?

Is it so easy
to greet,
substantial hellos?

Is it so sudden
to meet
today's promises?

Is there too long
to speak,
one's silent woes?

Have you ever heard a "no"
reverberate in unison?
It echoes in your bones,
your blood,
your heart,
remains shaken.

When you start to count the digits,
allotted on your palms.
You want to be a destination,
Instead of "just along".

The first had buttered words,
candied actions and giving hands,
you wanted to fall on something sweet
but you had a bitter land.

The second blew you wishes,
you cupped and made them yours
but,
they scattered in the wind,
and never did return.

The third offered escape,
Until the sun went down,
You danced,
And rose, hips dipped and kissed,
But he left before,
The dawn could yawn.

The fourth was running water,
an expected steady stream.
but he'd gush all his emotions
but build a dam around feelings.

The fifth was hope embodied,
to not be all the same.
The fifth suggested promise
that maybe,
they wouldn't walk away.

But he did.
They all did.
Suddenly,
Unexpected
Triumphant "no"

That can't help but play,
Inside my brain.
Over and over.
Again and again

We rush,
towards our beliefs
like F
           À
               L
                   L
                       I
                          N
                              G    ­     snowflakes.
That S
          I
         N
         K    with our expectations,

We wish,
in hopeless desperation.

Surprised,
when it   m  e l t  s     in our palms.