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KSC Jan 2020
I wait for one thing,
That which wakes me at night,
Like an itch, it makes me go out,
I search in alley ways,
In bar bathrooms,
In the back of my car,
Sometimes I just sit in a cafe waiting,
I’m dumb enough to think that one day you will just walk in through the door,
Punch drunk love,
An infatuation so strong it knocks me off my feet,
I think I found it once,
On a mountain top counting shooting stars,
Maybe my chance came and went,
Knowing me I probably blew it because I made you feel unwanted,
I’m sorry, I was just a deer in headlights,
It must be a curse,
Some bruja must have done it as I slept,
It was illusions and deceptions,
Maybe it’s written in the stars,
All I know is,
I’ve been doing rituals,
Hoping to change something,
Wishing,
Blood magic on a full moon,
Tempted to make a pact with the devil,
I’ve even started running,
My quiet desperation builds inside me,
I want to write love letters to you,
I want to be confident enough to tell you just how I feel,
I tell everyone how I feel about you,
Instead of telling you, I run into the arms of other people,
Then expect you to come to me,
I’m sure that makes you want me even less,
Drowning myself in alcohol to forget,
I live this cycle of infatuation driven insanity,
Day after day,
Waiting for a text from you,
Waiting for a phone call,
Waiting for a carrier pigeon with a note,
Maybe in a different dimension we are together,
Maybe in another life we are happy,
All I know is your worth the wait,
For you,
I’d wait forever just for one night.
KSC Sep 2019
I reached out to you because you came up in conversation,
Someone asked me, "Is there anyone from your past that you wish you could talk to?"
Coincidentally, I had wrote you a long letter earlier that week since you had been on my mind,
I planned to put in a glass bottle to throw out to sea as a desperate attempt to speak my peace,
I wanted to tell you what a **** I was,
About how much I wanted to see you,
About how I feel like I never stopped loving you,
I smiled and said your name,
It rolled off my tongue,
Out of my mouth,
Effortlessly without thought,
I reached out to my friends,
Wrote a craigslist missed connection,
Made a wish on every 11:11,
Then one day I got a text,
“Hey, This is   _ ,”
I was in a meeting,
In complete disbelief, I excused myself to do a victory lap to a soundproof room where I screamed,
“**** yes!”
I wanted to tell you so many things but I only told you the good things,
I didn’t tell you about the bad things that shaped me,
Those things that broke me, made me a sad pathetic shell of a human,
The truth is that with every tragedy I lost a piece of myself,
Parts of me drifted off into what seemed to be an abyss,
Until none of my spirit could cling on,
My feelings for you were so pure and since you were my first love,
I thought that maybe if I could just talk to you,
I could start the journey to find,
Repair,
Love,
The damaged pieces of myself,
Put all those pieces back together to begin to make myself wholly again,
It worked,
You brought a lightning bolt of hope,
An excitement of something familiar but also new,
Without doing or saying anything,
It was like I knew I was on the right path,
I had to push you away though,
Not that you would ever want someone as broken as me,
But because I knew we were at different places in our lives,
I hope that you will always be an exciting mystery to me,
Like the Sierra Nevadas,
From its highest peaks,
To its base of igneous rocks,
In you, I see such depths,
I hope I always feel lost in your brown eyes,
You are my sip from the fountain of youth,
A drop of the purest feeling of bliss,
Pleasant nostalgia,
All embodied in a person,
Forever,
The most handsome man in the world,
To me.
KSC Sep 2019
My heart broke when you rode off on your motorcycle,
I think we both knew it was over when you left,
In retrospect our relationship was rather short,
Thinking it would last forever,
Ready to take vows and sign mortgage papers,
It was like wanting fireworks to last forever,
It's impossible to keep that spark going when you settle,
Which is what you did with me,
You could never admit it but you never loved me,
It's nothing to be ashamed of because in the many poems I have written for you,
And the many tears I have shed for you,
I have realized that maybe I didn't love you either,
The act of you riding away, spoke to me more than a thousand words,
That October you tried to end it,
I wish you had the courage to do so,
Because the truth is that I'm better off without you,
My heart broke slowly waiting for you,
I knew you were the type to never come back,
But I always hoped that you would,
The hardest thing to realize was that we would never be the same,
When the kids ask about you,
I want to jokingly say,
"He went out for cigarettes,"
I don't know if it was harder for them because they picked you,
But they still ask,
Maybe they will always ask,
To them I say,
"He's not coming back,
He never loved you,"
I like to think that I'm preparing them for the heart break they will feel when they grow up and lose a love that never was,
I hope they are not as stupid as me,
I hope they are not as ****** up as you,
This was for the best though,
I realized that my heart longed for another,
But he end up being a coward like you,
St. Thomas,
The Patron Saint of Indecisive Men,
May you be martyred by a too young pregnant woman,
Bound by your progeny,
To die with a wanderlust,
Unsatisfied,
With a love that does not suffice.
KSC Apr 2019
What is beauty?
To see the reflection of the ocean in her eyes?
Maybe to one.
To me,
It would be the look of the clouds as the sun rises in the east,
That peach pink brilliance that could shake the toughest curmudgeon to shed a tear,
The waves breaching on hard black volcanic stone,
The mist reaching out and kissing my bright pink cold nose,
Or maybe the most beautiful,
To reconcile on a cold beach after a rumble in mud,
Sun setting, lips touching, hands holding,
Inner peace achieved at the end of a dark path,
And the most beautiful sleep at the Bullman Beach Inn.
#love #beach #birthday
KSC Mar 2019
Sometimes I wish I knew what it felt like,
If your fingers would just dance down my chin,
Lightly caress my neck,
Move down across my chest to my heart,
           "I hope you imagine the musical vibrato of a trumpet singing
            an old-timey melody,
            Two one-time lovers laying,
            Nestled on the side of a mountain,
            Pitch black, stars but pinholes in a universe so vast.."
That's what I'll say as you lay your head on my chest,
I'll stroke your forehead lightly,
Slowly moving my fingers through your hairline,
Breathe deep with me and live in this moment,
Make the whole outside world disappear,
And our two bodies but dark masses,
Disappeared onto the earth's surface,
We are two cells only practicing our reproductive phase,
When our *** mixes and we are one,
Absolute nothingness, together,
That's what I wished for,
The last seven shooting stars.
KSC Nov 2018
Sometimes when I utter the words "single mom,"
I feel like I am screaming "*******" in an orthodox catholic church,
To most they are words of disgrace,
To some they are words of empowerment and strength,
I think they are scary words to most men,
Immediately after I utter the words they ask,
"How many?"
In their faces I can see them weighing out their options,
I respond, "two,"
The mechanical gears in their heads start to turn,
They are trying to calculate how much baggage they can really take,
To most men I am a disposable piece of **** meat,
Meant to be kept at a distance emotionally,
But brought close physically, only to be used,
To some, I am not an option,
The words and the responsibility are too much,
They keep me informed,
"I'm sorry but I just can't..."
A very few men,
The ones that might be brave or stupid,
Who see past those words,
To them I am more than that,
Brave enough, they hold my hand in public,
They kiss me on cold or warm beaches,
Sometimes they fall in love with my children,
We daydream of a life,
Just the four of us,
But I have yet to find one to stay,
No one brave enough to think in we,
Just those who look at me manically and whisper my curse,
"Single mom."
#singlemom #mom #brave #men #children #kids #love #curse #*** #life #enigma
KSC Nov 2018
Something was different about you,
I could tell the moment we started talking,
I remember being in my bed looking at my phone smiling,
Butterflies fluttering in my chest,
My heart being so fast,
We live during a time where people pick out their mates like fast food,
I'm jealous of those people who got to meet you organically,
They didn't meet you from behind a screen,
I wish you craved my touch,
Fantasized about my warmth,
I wished you would have spent months wondering what it was like to kiss me,
Or how I tasted,
Would you be jealous of my current lover?
However, if we met like that maybe we would have never met,
Then you wouldn't know what it's like to wake up next to me in the morning,
Or hold my hand on a foggy beach,
Or watch me fall apart,
Only to be the glue that puts all my pieces together,
Or experience our unique passion,
That physical connection,
A splendor so strong,
We dance momentarily between multiple dimensional planes.
I know with me,
You wonder what I will look like on our wedding day,
Maybe dream of our love 20 years from now,
I dream of spending a thousand sunsets with you,
A parade of pink, purple, and orange,
Reflecting in your eyes,
Please be patient.
This is the poem that ended my engagement on Valentine's Day.
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