Two weeks turning to three
Wondering when you'll be free
But as the same time it's crazy
How these doubts is killing me
Don't know if it's jealousy
But I'm afraid it's just simply
Us doesn't exist lately...
You are the most amazing person I ever met
Understanding me no matter how difficult I get
That I always think you're too good to be true
But the truth is, I'm just afraid I'm no match for you.
Years flew by so fast, as always
Like it's hurrying to meet whatever is on the other side
Is it an end or a beginning,
We'll never know 'til we get there ourselves.
It's been a while, poetry...
Feeling each others heart
Even though we are far apart.
Depressing days have come on my way again
Stabbing me on my unhealed wound
Tearing me inside for the same reasons
Making my heart heavy and these tears unstoppable.
I can feel the pain
But unlike the way it used to
I don't feel so blue this time
I wonder why is that so.
Then the thought of you struck me
Is that you causing this?
But I didn't even know you
Just your sweet voice and wise thoughts.
I should be breaking inside now
But knowing that I have someone
Who will willingly listen about my complicated life,
I feel so relieved...
You said that you are my number one fan
When it comes to writing
But just so you know, I'm a fan of yours
For your motivational words.
The way you make things lighter for me
With your crazy jokes
About 'Albert the monkey whom my Uncle adopted'
Who cares if we're the only ones who can relate.
But something's bothering me
As I've never been so vulnerable to anyone
And I don't want to get used to this feeling
'Cause I'm afraid you'll be like the one in what I read once.
It says that through our darkest hours
There comes an angel in disguise who will enlighten us
But as we learned to deal with our pains and get back on our feet again
They will be gone forever...
I know that if I ever take a chance on you and lose you
It will break me as I always did 'cause of loving
But if that means having you in my life even just for a little time
Will be more than enough for me to take the risk.
I am NOT afraid to love now
Instead I'm afraid that I won't get this chance again...
With you, I am Fine Now
I want to put a dream catcher on my headboard
Hoping that it will take away my bad dreams
Letting me sleep peacefully at night
Wishing that you'll kiss me goodnight.
I want to put a dream catcher on my headboard
So that I could get rid of waking up in the middle of the night
Sweating hard with untamed throbbing of the heart
And not being able to go back to sleep.
I want to put a dreamcatcher on my headboard
So that my sweet dreams won't turn into nightmares
'Cause you keep on appearing in my visions
Wondering if you have something to convey.
But if those nightmares
Were the only thing that keeps on reminding me of you
I wouldn't have a second thought
Of putting this dream catcher away...
*Originally written 06/05/16
"Who is she?", I asked myself
As the image came closer and clearer
This feeling that seems to be almost forgotten
Like I have known her for a lifetime.
When I realized who I'm looking at
The tears that I hardly held back fell down
'Cause I wanna show hate and strength
But my emotions cannot be deceived.
There's a lot of 'why's' that I wanna ask her
Starting with, " Why's my memory's telling me that you're long dead?",
"Why you're back so sudden after all those painful times caused by your loss?"
To asking her, "Mom, do you still love us?".
Yet nothing ever slipped out of my mouth
All the reasons I wanna hear doesn't really matter
'Cause all I care for now is her
She's back and that's all I'm wishing for since she'd been gone.
All my disbeliefs and doubts just fade away
As I reached for her and feeling her warm flesh once again
I wanna grab every minute to made her feel loved and special
So she won't ever leave again.
The joy was overwhelming at the moment
And it was drowning me, thinking of nothing
Hoping that it would never last
Before a dashing light filled my eyes...
I tried to reach for her inspite of the blinding light
But couldn't seem to find her
I'm screaming her name
Yet no one ever responded.
And as I opened my eyes once again
I'm back in the dark and was all alone...
*Originally written 06/05/16
'Cause all that happened
Was nothing but a dream.
I'm sick and tired of hearing you
In different occasions and venue
The way you're fixed in their minds like tattoo.
You're in a child and adult's mind
Uttering you like they do know a thing
About places, people, culture and beliefs
Which you're set in that we ought to believe.
They're stating you as if you're a fact
Never doubted your reliability
If you're being too good to be true
Or too exagerrated to agree with.
I always find myself contradicting their knowledge about you
And wish that I could change you
But you'll no longer be stereotype if you do
'Cause that's what makes you----You.
*But originally written 04/17/16
I'm pertaining to my fellowmen who always find other countries as much better or should I say greater than ours. Not realizing our capability of being great if we only strive to be better persons and contribute to our country's progress.
Words struggling to slip out of my mouth
Too painful yet so true
'Cause the truth always hurt,
A motivation for us to change.
I am a typical girl
An achiever in my own little ways
Not a famous yet not a loser
Not so cool but not a nerd either.
I do what others also do
Like it's some kind of rule to be followed
A girl trying to live a dream
Well---I used to be those things ...
Before a turning point came across my story
Turned my whole world upside down
I fell on darkness but I struggled to come out into the light
But I feel forever stuck in this kind of life.
It's like I'm in a dream
I am running yet I'm not moving
I am screaming
But no one hears me.
So many people trying to drag me down
But I know I'm strong to let myself down
Some people wanted to help me get on my feet
But their kindness seem so humiliating to me.
There's a lot of choices in front of me
And it's driving me crazy
Yet all I need is a headstart
A chapter where I can start a new life...
*But originally written 06/08/16
Billions of fireflies up above
Are what they seem to me
'Cause looking up to these stars
Is like seeing them always for the first time.
I don't know what's in them
That everytime I look at them
I'm always left so amazed
And I just can't help but stare.
It's such a shame that I can't stay
'Til the very last one of them disappear
How I wish I could detach one of our roof
So that I could fall asleep under their light.
There's comfort in their number
Knowing that you're guided by billions of them
And there's spark of hope
As they twinkle when you gaze up to them .
It's challenging to trace every constellation
Which I never really paid attention
But there's always one question
"If up among them is our final destination?".
*But originally written 05/11/16
Closure is not really a choice,
it's more of necessity*.
Such a big word for anyone
Always easier said than done
'Cause the hate will never be gone
If you keep on remembering what's been done.
*But originally written 04/17/16
Fond of scribbling words
Especially when I'm down
A way of letting it go
A way of easing me down.
Now scanning a notebook
Full of unreadable writings
Like it's some kind of stenograph
Which I only can understand.
Some say that I have the gift
And some say that I'm brave enough
To tackle about my life,
To write about my pains.
But I can't see it that way
'Cause all the words in my mind
All the ideas I'm writing down
Isn't enough to express what's inside.
I'm dying to write all of it
To lessen my burdens
But I hardly find the words
And not all of it could be shared.
As ideas struck my mind
And I'm starting to write it down
It's where the complication start
As the words wrestle to form a phrase.
I can't make it rhyme all the time
But it doesn't matter
As long as it's lyrical
A free verse poem will do.
I follow no rule in writing
'Cause the best way to write for me
And the only way I know,
Is to write from the heart...
*But originally written 04/16/16
I've written the first two stanza couple months ago, planning to make it as mi BIO but I don't know what else to write.But as I scan all of my unfinished works, the idea of making a poem of how I write struck me. 'Cause every poet do have different styles in writing and I just wanna share mine. And if you have the same style as mine, well, hello there! xD
With just one mistake
Your fate is at stake.
He is his mother's only son
He has his father's feature
But a little shorter than he was
Maybe because of working at early age.
His mother whom he adore
With all his heart
Left them to seek for the love
She never felt with his father.
Several months after
His father died
And inspite of being the only heir
He got nothing because of his greedy Aunts.
At the early pace of his life
And all the circumstances he's been through
Yet got no explanation for all that happened
He self-destruct himself and become a rebel.
He searched for love and understanding in other people
But always end up to another heartbreak
So he blame his mother for everything
And hated her for the rest of his life.
Then one day found himself
Standing in front of a coffin
And upon realizing it, it's too late
He ran out of time...
He grieved so much
But can't shed a tear
Maybe he had drained all of it
'Cause by all his pain.
With his unspoken words
And unexpressed feelings
He just strum his guitar
And sang a song from his heart.
Putting yourself together
Shutting yourself from others**.
He's just a blurred figure now in her memory
But his love will last till eternity.
Eventually, my hatred for you
Slowly transforming me to be just like you
You made me fear love
You made me forget the beauty of it
Instead you keep on reminding me
How painful it can be.
You forge my heart
But I hope it's stainless
So it won't rust.
'Cause some part of me wanted to hate you
Yet some part of me wanted to love you
And I just don't know what to do
I'm left confused and with no clue.
But at the end of the day
You are still my father
And nothing can ever change that
As you cannot choose who to be your child...
This is the last part of my "four-part" poem for my Dad. Just to burst this thoughts that right until now I never dare told him. I know that I'm not the only one who undergone this kind of situations so I hope you can relate to it. I hardly make it rhyme but I hope this gonna make sense...
It's funny how I forgot all of it in just a snap
That moments ago, I'm craving for it like it's some kind of drug
Then getting rid of it
The way I get rid of my thumb ******* habit.
I have learned the art of being numb
And taught myself to be contented of what I can only get
Right now I don't even know how to approach you
And I can't even look you in the eye.
I can't even remember the last time we talked
Without using that high pitch voices and grumpy faces
I can't even recall if you have ever
Told me that you love me.
And now's a very different situation
Guess who's reaching out to me---YOU
But don't you think it's a little too late
To make amends and do what you should have done years ago?
Nothing's ever too late really
It's just that I can't retrieve that part of me
Who have always wanted this time to come by
'Cause all that's left in me is hatred.
This is the third part of my "four-part" poem for my Dad. Just to burst this thoughts that right until now I never dare told him. I know that I'm not the only one who undergone this kind of situations so I hope you can relate to it. I hardly make it rhyme but I hope this gonna make sense...
Going back to the old days
I never dreamed of anything big
Not of wealth, not of fairy tales
But just a little space in your heart.
A chance to be acknowledged
A chance to be appreciated
And patiently anticipating for the day
That I would not be invisible in your sight anymore.
There's nothing ever mattered to me
Than to be called as a "daddy's girl"
Probably I idolized you so much
That I'm mimicking every little thing that you do.
From the way you sit on that little porch of ours
As you smoke there every morning
To the way you pull your shirt halfway to your chest
When it's getting terribly hot outside.
I even remembered that time when I went home sobbing
'Cause I heard a bunch of men,
Whom you consider your true friends,
Backstabbing you which made me mad and wanna hit them that time.
I have done everything---almost everything
But all efforts were all in vain
And that concept of reaching out to you
Just disintegrate in my system unknowingly.
This is the second part of my "four-part" poem for my Dad. Just to burst this thoughts that right until now I never dare told him. I know that I'm not the only one who undergone this kind of situations so I hope you can relate to it. I hardly make it rhyme but I hope this gonna make sense...
Not a premature baby
But as tiny as a kitten
Incubated for the first few hours of existence
And told that might be dying.
Those mentioned before just added
To the reasons you dislike me
Aside from the fact that I'm a girl
And you have always wanted a boy for your firstborn.
I remembered the line from the movie 'Noah'
When Ila asked him why he spared the twins
And he said,"I looked down at those two little girls
and all I had in my heart was love."
And wondered if you haven't seen that kind of love
When you looked down on me.
'Cause you held me in your arms
Like I'm not vulnerable
Like I'm not from your own flesh and blood.
As I'm growing into my skin
The more I crave for your attention
For your affection
But I got nothing.
And as the day passed by
The more you made me feel how unwanted I am.
This is the first part of my "four-part" poem for my Dad. Just to burst this thoughts that right until now I never dare told him. I know that I'm not the only one who undergone this kind of situations so I hope you can relate to it. I hardly make it rhyme but I hope this gonna make sense...
She can feel her body trembling
And there's a cold terrible feeling
That's crawling up into her head
Turning her as cold as dead
She tries to hide it
But her eyes can't deny it
The throbbing that can't be tamed
Could give her a cardiac arrest
Maybe she can be clever
To think of another
Solid alibi to utter
Yet there would be guilt
If she chose to beat
Her conscience with fear
'Cause she may be fooling everyone
But deep in her heart
She knew she can't fool herself
She can't lie.
Cradled by your love is my safest place
It is you I see within my farthest gaze*.
Telling them the truth
That I turned out to be a failure
Would make me feel small,
But telling them lies
Just to make it sound good
Would rip the very last
That's left in me
And whichever I chose
Would cause me the same effect
Not only for my ego
But for my whole being.
Trying to escape out of this delusion
Forever a prisoner in this pandemonium*.
Forging my heart into steel
Yet it's bleeding inside still*.
A place where
treasured memories lie
that's promised to cherish forever.
Where dreams were built
out of daydreams,
that will not remain as such.
With right amount of
hard work and perseverance,
I will make it come true
and it's all for you...
On this night
Under the full moon
Illuminating the dark phase of the Earth
Changing the concept of a typical night.
As I stare at the glow-in-the-dark
That I hanged on the empty wall
To make me remember my home
That I always longed.
The smell of coffee in the morning
As you slowly opening your eyes
To see the sunshine through the huge glass windows
And hear the vehicles passing by 'cause we live at the roadside.
With the sight of three gigantic mountains
That surrounds us and seem to protect us
And give us that humid weather
"There's no place like home", indeed.
But leaving home for the quest of finding me
Makes me miss it like it's killing me
But that's how things were supposed to be
In my journey of knowing who I want to be.
Plans were plotted
Actions were taken
Always comes along the way.
With every step that I take
Towards that long-awaited success
The more it gets tough
And far beyond my reach.
Like my life's a maze
That turning right could be wrong
And turning left could be right
But both could lead to dead end.
Or perhaps I was just led astray
And my senses just deceiving me
'Cause what I'm seeking for
Is right in front of me back to the start.
Inspired by "The Alchemist" by Paolo Coelho.
Leaving home for the quest of finding me
Missing home like it's killing me*.
Same exact date but of different pace
Now reminiscing what happened in that place
That chilly night as we race
Through the situation of life and death.
I still clearly remember
As I was murmuring prayers
Which I poorly and randomly constructed
Even God can't quite understand clearly.
In the midst of the night, we rushed to the hospital
Advised that she must be confined
So my father left me behind
To tend her and to keep an eye.
She told me to take some rest but I disagree
Under her sweet voice I fell asleep unnoticeably
Wishing I never did
'cause that cost me a lifetime of guilt.
Waken up to see her in hysterical
Of the squeezing in her heart that could be fatal
Enough to make me frantic
Trying to think of the essentials.
As I watched her struggling for her breath
I tried to held back the tears that can't help but stream
Not wanting her to see me losing
Hope for her so she'll keep on fighting.
Hoping for a miracle as they recucitate her
I knew it there but still in denial
And at the crack of the dawn
I lost her...without even saying "Goodbye."
That is one of those times
When you want to gather all those spared hours
And add every single second of it to that very moment
So you could change the course of fate but couldn't.
The feeling of helplessness
Like a bird without its wings
Can't think of anything
But weep about everything.
Thoughts running in my mind
As unstoppable as the river flow
Tears running down my face
Streaming like the waterfalls.
The pain was unbearable
Especially when you got no one to lean on
Because the one you can always count on
Is the one you're bleeding for.
It's been three years
But why do I feel devastated after all this time?
Then someone answered me,
" 'cause the memories of the past never go away.
They are with us till the end of our time."
This may be a memory of the past now
But unlike any other, it will never be forgotten
A past that's always a part of my present
And will always play a big role in my future...
I dedicate this poem to my one and only Mom.
I love you and I miss you so much!
An early morning in January
Heart as cold as the monsoon air
Sun rays beaming through the window
Not enough to make the place warm again.
Staring at the ceiling
Trying to reminisce the beginning.
An acquaintance so sudden
Trust that was easily obtained
A connection that can't be denied
The feeling that lifted me up to heaven.
For years enclosed in a shell
Shell of fear of being hurt
Not wanting this fragile heart
To shatter in pieces you can impossibly count.
As another break up story goes
The more I get afraid to take a chance
Told that I should not be
'cause "Love is beautiful."
Convinced to believe it
Trying to be optimistic about it
But happiness can't stand alone
Without going through pain.
It started with a doubt
A doubt that leads to insecurity
Which can mess up everything
That can ruin a relationship.
It took a while to gain the guts
To seek for the unwanted truth
To unravel answers
For the questions that's lingering in my mind.
It's overwhelming to know
That you have his attention
But the real question,
Are you the only one who has his affection?
And the next thing you'll know
You're burning of insecurity
Drowning in jealousy
It's because of your curiousity.
The pain is excruciating
Tearing everything that's left
Thrusting you deeper in that hole,
Hole of fear, regret and loneliness.
How can he be so dear to you
When he's so fond of anyone else?
Or is it you misconcluding his kindness
Into something more than friendship?
Now there's just two options left
Hold on or let go...
Convinced to believe it, trying to be optimistic about it.*
But happiness can't stand alone without going through pain.
Now the more I get afraid to take chances...
Oh Selfie Selfie Selfie!
You're taken here and taken there
Anywhere and everywhere
In random poses we prefer.
From wide smile and duck face
To looking cute and being fierce
Searching for the right angle
In order to catch the likers.
Some say you show too much vanity
But who are they to judge so harshly?
When all you want is for them to be happy
And express themselves perfectly.
As the rope of anger reached it's end
Rage of anger began to burst
Like a volcano erupting so suddenly
Feeling nothing but hate for the enemy.
Trying hard to control the wrath
Wanting no one to get hurt
But as the rage continue to burst
Found himself bleeding instead.
Then deeply he breathes
To gather his wits
To unveil the anger that blanketed his heart
To retrieve that part of him that once so calm.
And as the anger dispersed
A thought had been realized
Even a creature so angelic
Can't hide the beast inside...
Love of different aspects
Amusing yet intriguing
Like a man so mysterious
Who waken up my being curious.
Don't want to seem assuming
And never be intruding
But this is getting confusing
Don't know what I'm feeling.
You made my day so inspiring
Caught myself always smiling
The thought of you is drowning
That keeps my heart from falling.
Eager to get through the day
Wondering what tomorrow may bring
Hoping for something real
For the both of us to feel.
Oh, apple of my eye
Never want you to say goodbye
If that moment will come by
Surely my heart will die...
— The End —