Jewel Vanilli Nov 2018
Fighting my demons are always hard
For they have a poet's mind
That lured me in their metaphors
of the taste of the sun
or the comfort of solitude;
They pull me in between their lines
of desperation and depression
As if basking in the sunlight
will make it feel less empty;
They tangle me in the swirl of the words
Embracing me with each broken
thorn of a flower
or every drizzle of the rain
or the feel of the breeze
As if those imagery
will make it less painful;
They envelope me with every space
in between their words
as if letting me breathe
but then they enter
cutting the peace in between letters
but never putting a period
to end this miserable excuse for a poem
they made me

Then suddenly pressing save
for all the world to see
without even really
saving me
Jewel Vanilli Nov 2018
It is I to blame
For the broken friendships
Broken relationships
For the distant stares
And hesitant smiles
As we pass by
           each other
As if we are merely
--acquaintances, merely strangers
Who haven't
Shared secrets
           over a bottle of beer
Or cried in the corner
           sitting in the pavement
           over our insecurities
Or laughed on how silly we can be
           arguing over who will refill
           the tumbler of water
Or watched a horror movie
           but ended up laughing
           on how dumb the characters are
Or gushed over a book
           we both read
           as we dream of our own
           happily ever after
Or supported each other
           as we broke down
           over the families
           who never cared for us
           who we never really had
           until we meet each other
Or the guys who crushed our hearts
           as we made fun of their
           pictures with their new ones

The fault is solely mine.
It's never yours,

I'm the one one who severed the tie
'Cause I'm too ****** up that
I felt like
You don't need a broken soul;
You don't need
To burden yourselves
With someone
Who keep coming back
to the dark

Someone who lost the spark
in her eyes;
Who finds comfort
in emptiness;
Who clings to her demons
just to remember she's still alive;
Who prefers nothingness
to envelope her in eternal embrace;

Blame me
It's me, the fault is mine
Not knowing that we are broken souls in the first place
And we found each other for we complete each other

Blame me
It's solely me
Forgetting that we are all ****** up in the first place
But we are **** ups who understand and support each other

Blame me
It's not you
Not remembering that we all came from the dark
And we are there to pull each other back into the light

Blame me
It's not your fault
Not realizing that we all feel hollow and empty and nothing
But we are there to fill the gaps and spaces left in each other's

Now, I'm left
With the occasional '*** bless'
'Good lucks' and 'Wish you all the bests'
Every birthday;
With the fading photographs
as our very own frame collapse
Because of
With the jar where the remaining yesterdays of ours
Are stored and secured
And only ashes of once strong relationship laid still;
In that big card that no matter how hard
I tried to keep it safe with a cover
Placed it under my clothes inside my drawer
Still, it worn out
Like how you tried to keep me
But I'm just too attracted
to being broken
That we just 'worn out'

So blame it all on me

It'll be heart-wrenching
for you to forget me
But I'll understand
I'll be fine
At least, I know I'll try to be
After all,
it's my fault

I just wish
YOU all the best
And sometime in the future,
can we please
smile at each other
A genuine smile
will be more than enough
for me to remember
that I've once had
Sisters from another misters
It'll be more than enough
You all are more than enough.
To my friends, JKTS, I miss you all guys. I'm just sorry I'm like this but know that I'm really really really grateful that you've once been part of my life.
when a bunch of  old Senate men
and some intimidated women
voted to heave

     an accused ******
     and proven liar with an alcohol problem
     given to irascible outbursts, fits of self-pity
     and insulting comments on women

into a lifelong seat on the highest court in the nation
     against voluminous evidence of his lacking qualifications
the statue of the Goddess of Justice
     whom a former attorney general
      had all covered up in blue cloth
dropped her sword and scales
tore off her blindfold
and covered her ***** ******* in shame
Apropos the U.S. senate 's decision to nominate Brett Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court
  Oct 2018 Jewel Vanilli
astiani hayn
there's a monster in me.
it keeps whispering things. so loud. that my mind could burst anytime soon.
inhabit, control, taking over; messing me up inside.
oh mama, i must obey it,
the one i shouldn't commit.
oh mama, how could i live?
in a body i cannot forgive.
please mama, bring some water; pour me the rain, a very heavy rain.
embrace me, hug me, drown me—wiped it all the monster away,
i don't think i could find any other way.
it's a world mental health today, so here a piece of mine that talks about schizophrenia. I haven't meet one, but seeing all who's suffering ****** through online videos just really break my heart. Mental health issue is real and it's matters. And please everyone if you happened to read this, kindly donate what you can afford and above all, what your heart says. No matter how much it cost, it will matters, and they deserve all of our prays. Thank you
  Sep 2018 Jewel Vanilli
President Jo
She is water

She dance like the waves
Swaying as the wind blows
Soft enough when she's calm
And tough enough when she's mad

She is not a real water
But deep enough to make me drown
Well basically, 60 percent of the human's body is made up of water. Lol
Jewel Vanilli Sep 2018
And then he didn't come back

The summers passed, autumns faded, winters roared, and springs bloomed but he's nowhere to be seen.

As she made her way to the shore, she felt the gentle breeze and the embrace of the waves and as she looked up; she saw the moon alone in the vast nothingness of the sky with no star to keep her company.

She remembered him, thinking that maybe the stars are gone for the moon is too broken and is not as illuminated as it was the first time.

Then she remembered the first time he laid eyes on her. His eyes shone so bright, held much admiration in his gaze that she couldn't understand for she is nothing sort of a goddess the moon had blessed.

None of her poems caught the light and the life in his eyes when they first met: of how it looked silver and storm that reflects his turbulent emotions, of how his eyes reached the depths of her soul with his gaze, of how he saw her as his moon.

None of them could ever describe how his eyes demand to be stared at. None of them.

But then, he was a fleeting light like a poem you will only read once for it is blindingly painful that it hurts looking the second time.

And now, she feels a part of her is missing as she search for the stars up above.

And then she fixed her gaze, closing her eyes to the moon: wishing that when he said "It's because of you." He doesn't mean goodbye. Wishing he doesn't mean she's the reason why he's gone. Wishing that dreams aren't supposed to be just dreams for when they become reality, they take away the magical feeling.

A few tears escaped her closed lids and glistened as they bathe on the light of the moon as she thought of the last poem she'll ever write to him.

And then she finally whispered hoping the wind will bring it to him:

" And maybe,
   paintings and poetry
   couldn't hold a candle
   To every emotion
   we once had.

    hold a key
    when we
    first met.

    I should've known
    that that key
    is not for me

    For I
    was never
    your home. "
Entry # 2 To the Book I Will Never Write
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