but i'm trying so hard to fix things
and give you every drop of love which i have
how is that not enough?
how much more exhausting of myself must be done?
i love you more than anything -
can't you see?

do you feel
my
hollow loneliness
screaming at you
from across
the world?

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
but i can't tell you that
because i know that you do not feel the same  
you do not miss my skin as your blanket
as i do yours
nor my chest as your pillow
yet you are my favorite pillow
i miss when i can't see your face the moment that i awake
it always gives me the best start to my day
i know that you will awake and start your day just the same
with or without my bleary eyes and sleepy face

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
because of all these tiny things
but i can't tell you that, no ...
i can't

i like laying in your bed better than my own
even if i'm alone
because at least here, there are still traces of you everywhere
and maybe when you come back
you'll lie next to me in bed
and tell me that you love me
melting into thoughts of the other
as if this is our own quiet world
and we cannot be bothered by any hurt

i wish i hadn't talked
i wish i hadn't said anything
i should have bit my tongue
and kept my silence
i didn't want things to get this violent
nothing good comes when i let words escape my mouth
i wish i hadn't said a word
i wish i knew how to drown without spitting up water

everything is different and strange
but i can't force change on you
and i can't make you love me
just like you used to

i will find
peace and solitary
somewhere, sometime
inside of this mind
just right now
is not my time
nor any of the right
kinds of love
that have kept me awake these nights
i will find
and it will be here
and it will be tangible
and it is so very near
but i need to learn
to love, first
myself
and it will be
so beautifully heart wrenching