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i wouldn't say i'm
"catching feels"
because i caught them
captured them
pounced on them
a good while ago.

i wouldn't say i'm
"heartbroken"
because i have been
heartshattered
heartcrushed
for a good while.
I have figured out
that all I have to do
is put on my most
blissful
grand
lip-tearing
smile
for you to notice me.
So I will rip apart
every single muscle
in my face
for you to
smile back.
That’s not the point, though.
I might be too good for her.
I might deserve better.
I might finally get closure.
But you don’t understand.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
There is just so much hurt.
I can’t decide if
knowing the truth hurts more
than staying in the dark
because not knowing means
I will always
hope too much
and knowing means
I will never
hope again.
Who knew
a little social-distancing hangout
low-battery-mode FaceTiming
Snickers on a fishing rod
purple-like-my-hair haiku
and some birthday s'mores
could make me feel
so loved?
16 on the 16th.
and suddenly sobs
held my body
rocked me back and forth
in the way
you never will
again
and when you call me
Rama
you'd think i had
one million Delta miles
from the trips my heart goes on
- except it doesn’t
because
my flight was cancelled
I've had this ticket for
nine months and twenty three days
it was non-refundable
but I'm already on the plane
Dunkin' cup precariously perched
on the armrest
they almost spelled my name right
my phone only has 11%
I knew it could charge
right when I boarded
I thought you were waiting for me
you made paper “welcome” signs
and set up the pullout couch
I've been waiting
two hundred and ninety eight days
and now you're telling me
this plane isn’t going anywhere

- my hope for us have jammed the engines
Might submit this to my school's magazine to be published, so feedback would be greatly appreciate (please!). I'm not quite sure if the title suits the poem.
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