Ethereal, barefoot in the snow
Letting the stinging fade into the glistening solitude
And flow with the wind
Nothing is real in this crystalline realm
Here I am beautiful
Here I belong
Where I will surely fade away
Finally letting go, hand outstretched towards the moon
Letting the cold numb the pain that never heals
And floating away
Finally leaving this body, this torturous place
Breaths slowing until they no longer disturb the still air
Peace, at last
I stepped out into the white abyss and let it consume me
Letting the flurries carry me somewhere I cannot hurt anyone
And with my final breath, a sigh of relief
Finally
Nothingness

The light dapples through the leaves
As I walk through the woods
A spectacular display
Of orange, red, and yellow
The steady crunching
Of the leaves underfoot
The odor of decay
Never smells quite so sweet
As it does in the Fall
A gentle breeze blows
Sending leaves skittering across
The dirt path, well worn
The chill makes it's way through my jacket
But not my heart
In the solace of these trees
I am content
If not a little lonely
No one to share this with
But, part of me doesn't want to
This is my place
A sanctuary
Where I can speak my mind
Without fear of being judged
The trees are much too old and wizened for that

Sometimes, it feels like the path will never end
But it does
It always does
And suddenly
Civilization becomes reality once more
I stand at the edge
Not wanting to leave this domain of saturated light
And muffled noises
But I do
And I look back
To see one of my greatest friends
Slowly swaying
As if waving goodbye
The breeze picks up
Blowing to my back
Giving me that support
To make it to my house
But not my home

I'm tired
You know?
And just so very
Very
Alone

My head is splitting
Like atoms before fallout
Each footstep echoing
From the floor above me
Rings loudly as a gunshot
And the muffled conversation
Sounds like a crowd a million strong
I want to shut off
To restart my brain
But socializing
That great and terrible wyrm
Stands between me and my goal
The glittering treasure
Aspirin
A warm bed
And I'd much rather suffer here
Than slay the misunderstood beast

Hey
Are you ok?
Are you alright?
You, the girl in the corner
With cuts on her wrist
You, the boy who flinches every time a hand is raised
You alright?
...
Ok
If you say you're fine
It's nothing
For a second I
Thought that maybe my illusion
Of a utopian world
With no pain
Or suffering
Had shattered
I wouldn't have minded much
But you didn't tell the truth
So the lie I live and breathe continues
What's that?
Am I alright?
...

I've mastered the art of sad smiles
It seems natural to me now
The slight curve of the lip corners
That never reaches the eyes
Those misty windows hold the truth
It's an oxymoronic action
Of conflicting thoughts
Between how I feel
And the depressing little attempt
To convince others I'm alright
Hoping to be asked what's wrong
But knowing I couldn't explain it
Even if I were

When I die
I hope I'll begin to spread roots
As my soul
Is absorbed by the earth
And as I spread
Parts of me will
Begin to reach ever upward
As I begin to form
My canvas of emerald and gold
Everlasting
And forever growing
-
I will not be worried by strife, and
Fire will only serve for
New possibilities
As well as
The potential for growth.
I will become a sight
For others to behold
And feel at peace
Whenever they venture
Through my dappled sunlight
-
When I die
I hope to become more
Than just cold

I call you beautiful
Because I'm too scared to say
"I love you"

I am
                               an open book
           Written
                                            in a foreign language
My heart
                              on my sleeve
                                                            With a mask
covering
                                      my
                                                                          face

Help
Drowning, twisting, turning
Can’t think
Can only think
Too many thoughts, crowded
Frantic
Clawing, scratching
The back of my eyes
Must escape
Can’t escape
Help
I can’t
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
Help me
Please
Help
Make it stop
Too many thoughts
Chaos
Blinding
Excruciating
Pain
…

I confess
I'm not good enough
But for some reason, you don't see that
You don't mind that you deserve so much better
So I strive
Every day
To be better
Just to try and justify
You loving me

I write sad things
Not because I am sad
But because I want to be happy

Do you love me
The way I love you?

Do you love me
The way I love the air I breathe?
Always sweeter when you are near

Do you love me
Across the distance?
No matter how far

Do you love me
The way I love your laugh
your smile
your eyes
your voice
your touch

Could you?
Could you love me
As much as I love you?

The snow fell
Like in a dream
A snow globe
Slowly drifting to the ground
And blanketing the rolling hills
And grey buildings
All encompassed
In a muffled coat of ivory
Beautiful
Magical
And just for a second
Perfect

I've dreamed dreams
That have left me scarred
Dreams so hideously twisted
That they imprint on my mind
Influence my life
Leave me scared to sleep

I do things in these dreams
Things that frighten me
Horrify me
Things I would never do in real life
But when I wake up
They are real
Just for a moment
And the sensation
Of being a monster
Or losing a loved one

It hits me
In my tired daze
I dont remember it was a dream
I just feel the intensity of the nightmare
And honestly
No horror movie could ever come close
They could never be as vivid
Or as demented
I dream dreams
That leave me scarred

More often than not
I simply fall apart
Just take a look
At my poor fragile heart
The suffering I've endured
A form of high art
But with you?
I've got a fresh new start

I can feel it again
That false sense of hope

If I were to see you
For the first time again
Would I once again
Be struck with your beauty?
Dazed in a confusion
Of how something
So divine
Could exist on this earth
If we were to meet once more
Would I fall in love
All over again?

And so I sit here
Burning my plans
My hopes, dreams, and aspirations
All, just keep warm
So that this cog in the machine
Can keep on spinning
Just one more day
Just one more day

My head
                                                   is a graveyard
             full of echoes
                                         of dreams
                                                          ­            of memories
                       of days long gone

Man picks a flower
The flower hides its thorns well
Man curses beauty

They say that it's not the destination that matters
It's the journey you take to get there
And I tend to agree
As I sit in my car
Hand on the key
Hesitant to turn my haven off
Dreading completing my trip

So, I sit here
Listening to the songs
That bare my soul like a mirror
And I find myself wishing
That the rolling landscape would never end
That point B were farther away
The weight lessens when I leave
And comes crashing down as I arrive
Maybe I'm just in a state of perpetual flight
Always running
From who I was
And what I've done
But the destination is never far enough away
The man behind me always catches up
He always catches up
I always catch up

I could write about the ocean
About the crashing waves calling me
The lulling roar
Of dissonant ambiance
Holding secrets under the tumultuous surface

I could write about the mountaintops
The serene scene miles above
Where the air is too pure for this imperfect soul
Where I have never felt more alive

I could write about the city
Where life never really stops
Where the skyline itself is a monument to human ingenuity
And the people are moving, always moving
As life goes on and on

I could write about any of these wonder-filled places
But my heart lives in the rolling plains
The seemingly infinite horizon
The hot summer days radiating off the pavement
The snow blanketing the smoothness of the landscape
Where the sunsets illuminate even my darkest hours
And the normality of suburban life is comforting

You always take for granted what you are born into
But my world has always been good land
Inhabited by good people
Warm hearts, genuine souls
And an appreciation for the lives around them
Where I've never seen a deer and an antelope play
Where I don't live on a farm
Where my childhood flourished
And my adulthood is burgeoning

Kansas
Like my own personal Shire
Perhaps one day I'll leave for an adventure
But I'll always return
To where the horizon reminds me
Of infinite possibilities

How are you doing?
I wonder each day
And just how much better off without me
Would you be likely to say
I know that since we've parted
You don't see love the same way
My apologies for the person I was
How different he is from the man of today...
I wish I could change the past
Or make it up to you, somehow, some way
And I hope your world isn't just
Varying shades of grey
I hope that you've learned to see the good again
And have managed to find your way
And more than anything
I just hope you're okay

I am a memory
One to be misplaced
Somewhere among the rest

                                                           ­                                    I am a memory
                                                          ­                              One to be forgotten
                                                       ­                     That would be for the best

"I don't want
to die alone"
I can't help but think
As the world collapses around me

"I don't want
to leave this world
before I leave my mark"
As if the mark would be preserved
In the wake of the oncoming end

"I don't want
my first love
to be my last"
As my heart retreats inward
Further and further
From it all

"I don't want
to forget"
As my life blurs
Into monotony
And dread

"I don't want
to exist"
And yet
Here I remain

"I'm an artist"
         I say with reverence
"I'm a lover"
         I say with pride
                                                                                       Because art and love
                                                                 Are what make life worth living

The world is burning
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

My hands won't stop shaking
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I feel so isolated
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm full of regret
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I can't sleep
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I can't drag myself out of bed
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm having trouble breathing
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I feel so gross
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I don't take care of myself
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I don't see the point
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

-

Tomorrow will be better
And I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'll be okay

My life is an ocean
of deep twilight blue
Sometimes I rest like
the Titanic, broken
sunk
a vessel of hopes
now a ruin
at the bottom of the sea
devoid of light
or escape
only the crushing weight of life
covering me for miles

Sometimes I'm on the surface
skimming over the waves
soaking in the sun
breathing the pure air in deep
because I know that soon
soon
all too soon
I'll take the plunge again
down into that inky abyss

Take comfort in watching me crash and burn
And know you got out in time
Thank goodness you got out in time...

The late night tears
That build up in my chest
But never flow
They feel as if a sob
Died in my chest
Before all the raw emotion
Could escape
Its corpse just sits there
Dead weight on my chest
That suffocates me
And I can't lift for the life of me

That is the key to happiness
To living grand and great
Do not ever settle for less

Always love, and love in excess
Make no room in your heart for hate
That is the key to happiness

Stand your ground, don't digress
When shown injustice, do not tolerate
Do not ever settle for less

Know the power of forgiveness
And always try to relate
That is the key to happiness

Don't believe the world will regress
Think of all the good you can create
Do not ever settle for less

Aid the helpless
Don't put too much on your plate
That's the key to happiness
Do not ever settle for less

1) Nothing is assured, and it's better to be able to roll with the punches.

2) You can be alone and not be lonely. You can be lonely and not be alone.

3) Life without love is hardly living at all.

4) The person you would give everything for sometimes needs something you cannot give. That isn't your fault.

5) The person you thought was infallible can have abusive behaviors.

6) The thing that hurts the most is feeling inadequate for the person you love. Don't make anyone feel like they're not enough.

7) You can't fix a relationship by yourself, and problems are hardly ever just one person's fault.

8) Doing what makes you happy isn't always as easy as they make it seem, but it's important to try anyways.

9) Focusing on the past does you no good in the present. Focusing on the future can blind you to what is happening in the now.

10) Despite everything, in the end, all will be well. Learn it, live it, believe it.

In my first and final year
Of higher education
At a party of familiarity
I did not aspire to find my limits
And yet
I exceeded them
And lay in a whirlwind,
At the night's close,
Which ****** the air from my lungs
As I forgot how to breathe

Avaricious sirens bore down and
Led me to water
Hooked into my veins
So I couldn't refuse to drink
And a doctor told me
That there were always better options
Than drinking myself away
Naturally,
I grinned and laughed
As if the very idea were preposterous
And yet, couldn't look him in the eyes
"Trust me,"
I assured the man
"That isn't the plan"

No,
The truth is I never had a plan
No grand scheme
To end my suffering
I just slowly taught myself
Not to to take care
To cut myself off
From my lifelines
So that when I did finally find my limit
I wouldn't have far to jump

...but, truthfully
I never wanted to jump
I wanted some calamitous wind
In the form of a stranger
To come along and push

Yet, against all odds
For reasons I cannot discern
I've found
Those who wander into my life
Don't push, but pull
Pull me down from that precipice
Sometimes on accident, or
With intent
Of saving a life
But no matter how grateful I am
To be held and reassured
I always find myself back
Overlooking the sea of my past mistakes
Ready to drown myself
In the towering waves of regret

I wish I could find life worth living
On my own
For myself
But, I find myself living for them
Those who hang on to me
Keeping me balanced
Keeping me
From finding my limits
And for now that's enough
That's enough

The reason
I wake up
Every morning
With a smile on my face
My dear
You always make my day
Before it's even begun
When I awaken
I remember
That we are together
A beautiful thing
And that's all it takes
My smile never fades
And my heart stays warm

Love is
seeing something wonderful
and thinking of them
Love is
laughter without end
Love is
being yourself and loving them for it
Love is
being a dork just to see them roll their eyes
Love is
doing anything you can to see them smile
Love is
happiness when they are happy
sadness when they are sad
Love is
knowing that you’ll make it someday
Love is
never wanting to let go
Love is
a misty morning on a mountain
a fire crackling in the hearth
and snuggling in the glow
Love is
a serene scene of success
Love is
coming home
Love is
hearing beauty
and picturing only them
Love is
a meal made
a meal shared
Love is
looking forward to seeing them
after a long, stressful day
Love is
your favorite sweatshirt
cozy and warm
Love is
holding each other
bracing for the storm
Love is
content silence
for you have no need of words
Love is
a shared life
well lived
Love is
when right next to them
is your favorite place to be
Love is
holding hands and stealing kisses downtown
Love is
talking into early hours of the morning
Love is
showing more than telling
Love is
when every love song becomes about them
Love is
wanting to be the best you can be
for them
Love is love
no matter who it is
Love is
a bright tomorrow
Love is
a wonderful today
Love, is everything
Don’t forget to treasure it

I've fallen in love with life
Over and over
But I don't know how to make it last
I can't make it last
Loving life is hard
It takes everything I have
And I am just so tired of giving
And giving
And giving
And not knowing if tomorrow
It will have been worth the price

How do I reconcile
The joy of learning
To love myself
After all those years of hate
With the fear
That loving me is a lesson
Only I can learn