I sit and imagine all of the ways
That I could be loved
And then I give myself none
I give myself none
Even in my dreams
I just give it all away
Nothing gets returned
It's fuel
It gets burned
I never learn
I'll never learn

You'll never get burned
You'll never teach me
You are an engine
You only consume

I sit and imagine all of the ways
That I could be loved
And then I give myself none
I give myself none
You'll never get burned
You'll never teach me
You are an engine
I am fuel
You only consume
You consume me

I'm drowning in plain sight
This monotony is heavy
It's resting on my chest
It doesn't care I'm sinking
What a ****** parasite
It'll die as soon as I do
The bubbles will be fun
To watch while I descend
To wake incredibly far away
A brand new galaxy
New bones and skin
And that ****** parasite
It's light-years behind me
With souls that don't move on
Content with the monotony
Dollar bills and pointless wars
In rectangle boxes they'll rest
To tread upon their old flesh
What perfect hosts

I've killed my hyacinth
And then set it aflame
Wind discard these ashes
Take them to the south
To the fields of tobacco
And trees of ripe peaches
Take them to the sea
To the endless ebb and flow
And the passionate crashes
Take them to my dreams
To the pastel flower fields
Where I am whole again
And his blood to turn to flesh again
To look me deeply in the eyes
And show me he understands
That I was lost and carried away
By the hasty north wind
That will usher him sweetly home
And ever since I've been fighting
To be able to let love back in
My hyacinth is out there
He'll grow in my soft glow
And I will do the same

My grandpa dated a woman
Who put fruit in her garden salads
I'd never experienced this before
It was absolutely splendid
I now put fruits in my salads
They parted ways over a decade ago
We stopped putting fruit in our salads
I'm sure she's gone by now
But I'd like her to know
That I still do

I make my sobriety look effortless
Like I don't want to dive back in
To the cool refreshing relief of
An extra ***** ***** martini
With those bleu cheese olives
Garnishing the destructive nectar
I still sometimes dream about
Or the amber bourbon neat
A whole bottle to put me to sleep
The strobing lights whispering
A slew of lips I may have kissed
Or shared a cigarette with
Or a box of Chardonnay
I so badly miss those quick moments
Of bliss right before the blackout

I make my sobriety look effortless
Because I don't want to be seen as
Someone struggling in the open
Salivating to find that numbness
Waking up to aggressive regret
And another upset stomach

I often wonder
If I even have an other half
Maybe I came here whole
To stroll the evening streets
With no hand to hold
But the edge of my sleeve

I have tried
To be someone in love
Put the butterflies in a jar
To be admired and one day
Polished on a wedding alter
But after time it falters
And I stroll alone again

I often wonder
If I will feel free or lonely
When I climb in age
As my sleeves fray
As I meander down
Beneath the street lights
Watching lovers lull about

I do that too
In my dreams