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She said "I can practically taste the malice that fills your heart and the hatred in your soul. You would like nothing more than to see this world burn wouldn't you? I can see it in your eyes, that's the real you." She just might be right. The darkness within hums like a gentle rhythm I was but a victim of my humanity, those are memories I don't treasure but it's a measure of how far I've come. I'll take you by storm.... An uncontrollable maelstrom. No friend, no foes and anything goes in this game of mine, regardless of the time, my comeback remains certain.
In recent moments I long for a miracle, something so grand and awe inspiring.
Oft times I wonder how come the sky's so bright yet humans have lost themselves in an endless night? I have no fear, save for the fear of myself for I am the bone of my sword and the bane of my existence. I may not be a demon, but I gave myself a taste of hellfire. I long to feel that awe inspiring connection to another whom I have equal reasons to hate yet choose to love, she's close yet so far away. It's like a thermodynamic miracle... An event with odds so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I longed to observe such a thing, and now I have. I wonder, what drives me to you ? I gazed continually at the world and it dulled in my perspective. But you remained bright, how is it so ? That amongst the humans I so gleefully despise I found a life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg. I do not believe that existence is random, that it has no pattern save what we imagine. And after staring at it for so long. Perhaps life may have no meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world shaped by a vague metaphysical force and for a reason he lead me to you, against all odd Oxygen turned into gold.
I don't aim to please, I aim to release myself from the demons that haunt me cos every night as I lay awake on my bed they taunt me and I'm not willing to take the easy way out cos that's the fools way out and in reality it's a path of greed doesn't really leave you freed from this life of strife and if I might add it's a way to another hell, cos really tell me how would you look your maker who gave you life in the face and tell him you got tired of living lost all hope and stopped believing you realise that this path ain't so relieving. Take a step back and ponder on how greedy you would be when you realise you left a lot of hurt behind in the hearts of all those who cared for you when they realize that they can no longer stare at you nor talk to you cos you're gone....... Think about it and tell me, is this the path you want to choose..... Reality hurts and life's short but don't cut it short by your own accord. Not so sane mind.

17/08/2018
In the shadow of it all he said "The passage may be hard, but the arrival is worth the pain, so don't resist it", still I tremble. Time it ticking as moments are slipping, my heart beats faster as I long to accept this dream as reality, Death wishes to embrace me. In cold sweat I wake. Breath in, breath out, calm down, this is the end and the beginning.
He's too weak to cry, unable to try he found himself slowly becoming immune to his emotions. With his lungs incapable of letting the air out, and the pain buried within him unable to turn into tears, he bled in silence because he was too weak to cry. He wants to rip out his hair and scream the bottle of emotions filled to the brim... So much it pours like a stream. In those seizing moments his soul aches, his heart breaks raked with pain, despite writing poems of love, he became unable to feel. He looses the very emotions that made him who he was because he was too weak to feel.
The strong cry, but the weak are unable to feel. At least that's what I believe.
Little dark boy with hate filled eyes, anger filled heart, and a disease riddled body and a knowledge filled soul. Bottled up emotions put negative years in motion, This pain of remembrance would be lessened if it's shared, there's only so many years in your life yes they're filled with strife but is that the end, you started with a soft smile, and love filled heart. But you forgot to take it slow, you felt too much you related at every turn but unspoken feelings of others bruised your tender heart the life in you was quelled by the rage of illness, friends failed to understand you as you were locked at every turn, a disorder became two and you were just thirteen. Oh little dark boy with hate filled eyes it been 7 years now, The Struggle for Love, The Longing for Home but absence of health darkened your views, death looked at you and you smiled back hoping for her loving embrace to end the the pain but even she turned you away cursing you to live in pain. Your pride was wounded, and you realized that even in the midst of family and friends, you were alone, void of sorrow and pain your nerves felt annoyed and your heart felt vain..... you hid hatred behind a smile, you wore so many different masks hoping to loose yourself. Your anger concealed behind the mask within your heart, your eyes tell the story because this is who you are, the little dark boy with hate filled eyes.
My eyes are wide shut
This silence is deafening
I keep on stressing
Heart beat hastens
Silence so loud
Unspoken words
Like a hot rod
Burns in my chest
So much to tell you
So little said
We're not paid to hurt
It hurts to love.
But I love you.
I literally crave you
Just let me save you
Let's pace together
A path we'll walk
I did stalk you
In the wake of a shattered moonlight
The beams that held dreams are
broken because of words left unspoken.
These thoughts are just a token of my hurt.
My memories are fleeting
But one thing will never change
I AM JONATHAN
Or am I SCARLETT
Blurry line between right and wrong
Quite a sad song
I need an outlet for this pain.
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