The ball of yarn
that I've kept for many years,
has officially unravelled,
presenting all my greatest fears.

For years I had them bundled,
neatly in a ball,
and it wasn't until recently,
I couldn't continue to stall.

This wasn't caused my me,
as why would I begin,
to unravel a flawless system,
in that I see no win.

But it was the cat who caused the chaos.
The cat of death and sorrow,
bringing endless pain and hurt,
until I could no longer see a tomorrow.

He pulled my life all out of wack,
taking a once single untangled string,
and creating a mess of loose ends,
which he then began to fling.

Out with routine,
out with content,
innocence is destroyed,
and here is a perfectionist's descent.

"Happy New Year!" they say
as they sip their champagne.
Each bubble,
last year's sorrow,
to be lost in the new tomorrow

Let the new year ring out
as they kiss and laugh and shout.
Each balloon,
is a latex vessel for resilience,
feeding the emotion coloured chameleons.

As if the "new year, new me" attitude
should terminate the blues and
help us to forget the cold, harsh, truth.
No matter what the new year's resolution,
there will be no retribution.

There was a girl.
She didn't know who she was.
The world didn't pass her by though;
She seized every opportunity,
got the good grades,
met the good people,
volunteered where she could.

It wasn't enough.
She didn't know who she was.
What happens when she leaves highschool?
When 97% averages no longer define her.
All the **** expectations and pressure,
has crushed her dreams so she is left lost.

Everyone expects her to go far,
to do amazing things,
to be herself.
But who the hell is she?
The girl thinks.
Constantly seeking validation for her ideas,
pushing herself to such extremes,
where she could do permanent damage.
What the hell is she going to do without all the support of other people?

She'll crash and burn.
We know this.
She'll work her *** off but never get anywhere.
At least thats what the girl thinks.
She's scared.
She feels like a helpless baby deer.
Nowhere to turn no idea what the future holds.

Who the hell is she.

As you stood and yelled,
cold to all embrace,
you missed my cry for help,
it was buried in my face.
Little did you know,
I was prepared to meet my fate.

I was taking it all in,
and before I knew it I snapped,
but you didn't care what I did,
only what I lacked.
Little did you know,
you'd soon have to relax.

I imagine your face with regret,
thinking about this very moment,
kicking yourself for not picking up
that this was the very last component.
Because little did you know,
you'd clarified my time to go.

Out it comes -
the feelings, nerves, anxiety
You may catch but a glimpse of what I actually feel,
but I doubt it -
Even I only see the meal.

It's become second nature.
I don't even think anymore,
just to end up doing it more and more.
Someday I'll have to stop,
but for now, I'm kneeling on the bathroom floor.

Since I was littler,
it's always made me cry.
But it's not a luxury, rather a nessecity.
Thinking about it now,
I don't even want your pity.

I keep going and going,
not realizing the pressure manipulating me,
and that in reality - I'm suffering from a disease.
One day, I'll have to give it up,
but right now I'm too terrified to cease.

Me.
No more hesitation,
I do what's best for me.
That's the end of the equation.

No longer will I be a supporting lead.
I'll become the main character in my life,
and finally start to see.
And just stop giving you the knife.

My hands may be shaking,
but I'm in control.
Everything is flying by at rapid rates,
so I catch and cherish what I can.
And sometimes it's good what I hold.
Sometimes, it's my last desperate attempt.

It may be a poison berry,
rather than raspberry.
Control could be what's leading me a stray.
Taking me down a path towards a slippery *****.
But I insist I'm okay.
If I say it enough, I believe it.

Tears well up in my eyes,
my head tilted back to ensure a disguise.
Everything spinning in circles around me.
I try to catch up,
as my head stars pounding.
And I realize, control lies.

Head is pounding
Palms are sweating
My face burns hot
My alarm is sounding
You say, one thing at a time
I say, I'm fine.

All the planets surround the Sun
But what happens when that system starts to break
When the stable circling cannot withstand
Suddenly things aren't so fun
You say, it'll fall in line
I say, I'm fine

Sound structures start crumbling
The tiny splits in the ground,
Turn to unfixable gashes
All the insides come tumbling
You say, it'll improve over time
I say, I'm fine

When the storm has passed
Flimsy bandages cover the wounds
Circles go back to “normal”
You knew it wouldn't last
Yet you say it's a good sign
I say I'm still fine

But what you don't understand
About the inside remains on the ground
Is it's the start of me holding it all in again
That burst wasn't planned
You say it fell back in line
I say, I'm fine

A joke,
does not cause this much pain.
And what you broke,
will never be the same.

We are taught as girls,
don't be the temptation.
Keep your hair in pretty curls,
and don't be the abberation.

Don't ask for a man's respect,
he'll offer what you deserve.
And never should you forget
only he can tell your worth.

All around me faces start to fade
The simple motivation -
no longer a factor in the equation
The most simple problem,
sends them running for the hills.

The times when 75% was low,
when kids had energy, passion, and drive,
leaving no choice but to thrive.
Are nowhere in sight.
So what happens in those hills

I can't keep waiting.
Wondering if, and when it'll happen.
I just can't.
So it's over.

I'm prepared to let it all go,
The pent up feelings,
the hurt, the hope --
you.
Maybe one day it'll happen,
but in the meantime it's eating me up.

Yes, I have feelings for you.
I will always love you.
But I can't hope for something,
that could ruin everything.
So I'm done, locking my feelings away.

I'll still look at you,
I can't help it.
But it won't be the same.
Even though you didn't know,
I feel like I'm losing a part of me.
I love you, I'm sorry.
It's over.

Blink.
I close my eyes,
but the tears don't come out.
Because a girl who has it all,
shouldn't pout.

Blink.
Skip to the 1960's scene,
cheesy music playing.
Just a movie in my head,
a childhood memory decaying.

Blink.
It's worse than feeling numb,
it's a drought.
Because the ability to express oneself,
is not something one can go without.

Blink.
Pieces are missing,
messages not relaying.
The gaslighting so loug,
I can't hear what everyone is saying.

Blink.
How to separate the truth,
the act of torture lies in doubt.
But a girl who appears to have it all,
shouldn't pout.

When I was 6 years old,
I was told I was too much.
Keep it to yourself they'd scold,
you're unlikeable, not bold.
Unique is the opposite of gold,
so my personality took a toll.
And no matter how much strength I would hold
Nobody liked me,
so I had to fold.

I was left out when I was in grade eight.
Apparently I changed myself too late.
I did everything for everyone
hoping for a clean slate.
Yet I'd already met my fate.
There was no retake,
only resentment and hate.
I needed distraction,
so I started to fill my plate.

Highschool came and on a platter,
was a fresh start.
And for a second I'd thought old me and new me had grown apart.
I made friends like it was an art.
The warm feeling of care
began to fill my heart.
That's when the dead persona came back,
like a poison dart.
And everything I had built, fell apart.

Blanket off my cold body.
Tiptoe towards the warm coffee
Fill the purple mug to the top
Savour each and every drop.

The perfect beginning

I'm not that girl -
who everyone appreciates.
Nobody seems to care,
no matter how much grievance I do alleviate.
So even though
I give and give,
still I cannot find,
one clear and simple reason,
I should continue my own life.

Throughout my life so far,
I've focused on everyone else.
Giving everything I had,
while neglecting only myself.
But I'm running out of things to give.
Of time, and energy, and care.
So ever so slowly, I'm fading
and you're still there taking,
until you finally realize,
what pain I've been masquerading.

Broken pieces are scattered all around.
Shattered fragments of a joy-filled time.
If you move fast - you can avoid them,
hit the lone spot right where the floor is exposed.
But hopping around is another way of lying.

Do you keep you steady effort?
Or is it time to begin cleaning up the mess.
The more time builds up, the worse it gets.
The more subtle flaws stand out,
the more good times you start to forget.

It's the feeling you've reached the end.
Thinking back, maybe it  lasted too long,
but there's no going back now.
So what's the point of lingering in the past,
you've finished, take your final bow.

Do you realize who you are?
When I look at you,
I feel so far below par.
But you have faith in me,
which helps to keep my story true.
and pushes me to be the star.
All this while keeping me grounded,
and never being too far.

Talking last night it became clear;
you and I would not be simple.
There are not just bumps in the road,
but mountains that need to move,
for us to work.
It's more complicated than I thought.

I'd thought I was fighting for you,
but I might've been fighting against you instead.
I'm certain you didn't know what battle was happening,
that's for sure.
I'd thought I'd break it off with him,
and you'd be there waiting on the other side,
but it's more complicated than I thought.

There's something between you and her.
Something beyond me - which is hard to break.
You love her - more than I thought.
It was a fantasy I made up,
it could've become reality if I told you sooner.
I'm retiring my sword, and accepting my fate.
If we are friends, then I will be the greatest best friend,
and bury my feelings for good.
I've decided it's more complicated than I thought.

Sunny days bring joy and hope
The warmth of your rays touch my heart
The never-ending sky of feelings is clear
And the love I feel gives great light

The clouds roll over and it gets harder
Things aren't as clear through the mist of life
The clouds representing the many commitments
Turning the mood from bright blue to grey and bleak

Then comes the rain where uncertainty and sadness take over
The cool drops being the comments slip around
One drop doesn't hurt but before you know it you're drenched
And it seems like it won't clear up

And rain turns into thunder
Shaking the whole atmosphere of which the relationship is built on
The warm and cold opposites crashing together
Diminishing what little was left

Lighting strikes and suddenly there's a spark
A flicker lasting less than a second
Making you rethink what caused the storm
And showing you what the light source once was

As the sun peeks out thinks look up
The clouds of sadness clearing leaving that brilliant blue sky
In floods the rays of joy
But this light of love remains untouched by the storm