I dreamt of being back in New York
Getting out of the elementary school
But now as an adult from being part of a course
The playground I used to play in as a child
Now flooded from a passing storm
My car interior soaking due to a black out drive where I left the windows and doors open after I left the vehicle
My mother appearing, to ***** me with small blood capsules to “bleed” the toxins out of me
My grandmother, whose British royalty, appearing in the back seat of my car after parking her car next to mine
Walking up and down the block wanting to see my father for some reason
The first man I truly hated
And I wanted to go see him
To talk to him
Because I don’t know what to do
And I don’t want to talk to anyone but her
But she doesn’t want to talk
But that’s ok, I’m supposed to be there for her
All of a sudden I’m back in Japan serving my time in the military
Texting her asking about her day
And just
I get a picture of her bent over in a cage with someone behind her
No expression on her face
Just emptiness
And so I ask her
And she says nothing
And I’m scared
I’m so scared

Nothing has changed
I still feel numb
Some people can distract me for a time
But it never holds over
It always hurts
I see your face everywhere
I can see your cute little smile in the faces of others
Sometimes I hear your voice..
And it all hurts so much
I don’t think I can ever get over you
And it’s killing me
Your killing me..

Where did you go
I don’t even know
You just vanished from my life leaving a hole that nothing fills
Not work
Not friends
Not alcohol
You became my life
My routine
I looked forward to waking up because then I could text you right before you went to sleep
I looked forward to 1300 because you were just waking up to go to school or work
I looked forward to 2100 because you went to lunch and I could finally talk to you
I loved when you asked to video call because I loved just looking at you
Memorizing every feature of your face
The small beauty mark on your nose
The way your eyes looked so bright and full of love
Or even when you did your school work and I could just see so much determination in you
So much effort you put into everything you did
So I’d just stare at you
And enjoy that being the closest I could be to you for awhile
I miss holding your hand and squeezing it gently just to make sure you were still there
I miss randomly kissing your hand just because I loved to it
I miss kissing your nose because you’d have this cute little smile on your face while you turned red ever so slightly
I miss spoiling you in the stores because I knew you loved being able to have everything even if you didn’t want me to pay
But your gone now
Just left me
Because I didn’t look like I loved you
My eyes didn’t have the same light they used to
We didn’t really like the same things
While you enjoyed the little things and running around
I just enjoyed you
It wasn’t the places that we went that made me happy
It was being with you
Even if I didn’t smile as much
Even if I didn’t always laugh
I just liked looking at you
I gave you my whole heart
I poured everything into your cup
But then you just let the cup go
Why did you let go..

How I feel
I feel empty and numb and angry at the world for taking away the one person that makes me happy
I feel so empty I throw everything in to work or just trying to stay around people but people don’t like me so I end up alone in my room
Numb because I either feel pain or I feel nothing at all
Angry because you were my source of joy in this world
I have stress dreams of you leaving
Over
And over
And over
And I can’t sleep from it
My nights are wishing I could just hold you but realizing I can’t so I cry myself to sleep
Hell I already am
I don’t sleep
There was a night I couldn’t fall asleep until 02
Dreamt of you
Woke up at 04
No alarm or anything I just woke up
So I barely sleep now
I wake up before the alarm
All I want is to just hold you
To feel how warm you are in my arms
To be able to smell the shampoo in your hair
Or the perfume on your neck
To be able to look you in your bright full eyes that we’re so full of love
I just want to hold you
Please
Just let me hold you

It pains me
Because your so happy when it comes to me
But I just don’t want to hurt you
You can be happy and gleeful and ecstatic
But I can’t really feel that anymore
Now I only feel three things
Sober
Sober is work
And work is no fun
Drunk
Drunk is freedom
And freedom is fun
Even if it’s all just a lie
And Empty
The last thing I can feel
Because if I’m not working or I’m not drinking I just feel nothing
Just
An emptiness inside
A pain that doesn’t quite hurt
But I can’t ignore either
I haven’t felt much for the last three years
Because before I was happy
God I was happy...
But she took my very soul and burned it till there was nothing but ashes
I scrounged through the ashes looking for a shred of sanity
And all I found was a few embers of what once was
The last time I tried to ignite them
She ran away and told me we shouldn’t
That we were friends
And we shouldn’t change that
Because it can turn into something beautiful
But if
If it just disappeared then we wouldn’t be able to go back
So now I’m deserted
Left with one
Just one ember
Of what once was
I really hope it can burn forever
But you’ll probably douse the flame just as it lights
Please
Just don’t be cold
Don’t wash me away...

It’s actually kind of funny
I can predict everything your significant other will do
But you will never believe me
So you go through the motions
And push me away to sit back and watch
But the second I want to do something to be happy
I’m the idiot
I seriously saw you as my child
Like I have to protect you from the world
So you don’t come up broken
Like I did
I’ve tried being happy
It didn’t work out too well
So I give distance a chance
But the moment I tell you
You disown me
Saying that I’m immature and shouldn’t have to go through all that
That it’s just going to fall apart
It falls apart if I let it fall apart
But yours
sigh
Yours were always doomed
Right from the start
I could write an entire blueprint of what will happen
But you won’t believe me
You burn up the map to your destruction
And follow the trail of smoke until you reach the end
But it’s okay
I’m still here
But the question is
Will I always be?