Ive never asked for help
But I’ve begged people to love me
Promised them if they looked
They’d see something good
Deserving
Worthwhile
I never asked them to be gentle
Or kind

If you're gone
where the hell am I

Your laugh echoes
crashing off empty surfaces
ricocheting in my mind
through my ribs
I can't find the source
And the smile is gone
nothing to wrinkle your eyes
crescendo of happiness
splayed across your face
And I can't see your face
it's right there in my mind
nearly touching you
feeling the warmth
always warmer than me
And I ache
with this ricocheting laughter
with this missing smile
with this coldness invading my body

I'll keep reaching
my whole life I think
I will be reaching
popping bones from sockets
joints and tendons and ligaments
stretching skin until it's taut
and maybe even tearing
just to feel a graze
just a graze of warmth
see that crescendo of happiness
mirrored on my own face

But you're gone
And where the hell am I

I knew
That you’d miss me
that I stained you
like tea in water
I changed your color
I knew
You couldn’t forget
the little things
at my very best
love like gold
I knew
you’d go through me
Like a sieve
gradual disappearance
Eventual hello again
I knew
Everything
the very end
way back
in the beginning

We are utterly insignificant
And yet
In this moment
Embers of existence
Burning wax falsehoods
Away from this truth:
I think not of water
Air to breathe
Dirt to dig my heels into—
There is only you.

Sometimes I wonder
How hard it was to let me go
Or if it was easy
Was it like sand
You loosened your grip
I fell through the cracks
Of your overbearing fingers
Or was it like ice
The strongest grasp
Only made me slip away faster
Like you never really had me?

You told me you loved me
And it took me a moment
A millisecond thought
Heart in my stomach
A time I could only picture
If they heard my “I love you”
When they had their hands on
Another

And another millisecond
Merciless thoughts
How easy it was for them
To look in my eyes
And wish they were someone else’s
Hopes higher than my head
Heart dropping to my feet

A millisecond to remember
Wishing they’d have mercy on me

Only a moment
To know delicate
And kindness without expectation
You hold my chin
Stop me from looking at my feet
Have mercy on me.