a jealous heart
wants no more
than to forgive.
even when there
is nothing to be
                           forgiven.

this pulsing, throbbing energy,
takes refuge where you choke.
terribly sick from the throat.
my chest is a boat, and the
drowning doesn't cease with the life jacket.
vibrant and not easily forgotten
and yet still, you seem to have forgotten
what it is like to breathe with me, or rather
my feelings escape me as soon as I achieve the ability to explain them.

I reject the first thoughts that I recognize as uncomfortable
and give them to you for further translation, yet the energy within
those very words haven't diluted before they reach you and you spit
them back as "Ego".

I cannot help myself as much as I'd like to,
yet I try.
I cannot remove the parts of myself which I see in you,
yet I try,
because of the terrible, knee in my gut feeling,
and the rejection of willingness to expend your energy to help me find happiness,
because somehow if you can make me feel intensely about any emotion,
then to you that means I am only happy when you make it so.

**** that idea.

I make myself happy, I make myself sad, I make myself whatever the hell I want to,
although I sometimes fall into feelings, (a mistake which only proves more the imperfections
of being human), and the lack of control over everything.
Yet I try to take heed and pay attention to myself and how what I do effects others.

You bring immense energy, but you are not the source of my life, my light, or my darkness.

We simply share both,
from your prism to mine
and back again.
I shine through you and make color
and you shine through me to do the same.
We help cast shadows and peek through darkness,
******* hell, my heart feels so raw that I think it forgot how to break.

A jealous heart
wants nothing
more than to forgive,
and be forgiven.

I stopped looking for you in widows, on walls and pages.
My heart no longer feels the twinge of sickness it once made when I thought I saw you.
I don't obsessively think your name like when we were together, gasping whispers into the darkening night.
It isn't fair that an image of you is burned in my brain-  think of how
you ran your fingers down my spine, how you are holding hers, just
like you held mine.
I don't go to the spots we once went, I'm afraid of the thought "what if?"
I stopped hearing your voice, no longer saying pitcher for picture.... your laugh was once contagious.
But no one deserves this, I am too strong to let you cheat me of a love that I want to give.

I don't look for your face anymore- and to tell the truth, I'm not sure of how I would act if I saw you.

You know my faded legacies.
You know my long forgotten glories.
You know all my tall tales and never ending stories.
You know me and the air I breath
The I's from which eye see.
The warm heart from which I bleed.

But you see only the image I let you see.
You can't see that the air is choking me.
That my stories lack a silver lining.
You've forgotten that my eyes are no longer shining.

You don't know that this heart is the reason that I'm always denying.
You recognize my voice but you don't hear the words I'm saying.
You won't hear the words I'm praying, the words that keep me lying.

You see my smile but not how broken it's become.
You'll never see the seems threatening to come undone.

I'm bursting, bursting with secrets,
Secrets screaming my truths with all the proof of my weakness.
I'm pilled high with tears I refuse to cry,
All I've ever done is turn a blind eye.

Isn't it odd.
People keep secrets.
A thousand envelopes.
Shut tight by two thousand signets.
Don't let them get out.
What a shame if they do.
We're afraid of people
Judging
Laughing.
Looking like a fool.
The funny thing is.
No matter who,
There are things people hide
From those near to them too.
Acceptance.
That's the word.
By word I mean world.
No soprano singing of a little girl.
You think she would sing if she chose it?
The problem here lies is that I'm a poet,
And no one I care about seems know it.

Nice people
Make my heart
Hurt

It is childish
I know
But I cannot help but
Think this way

"I do love you, you know, love
It's just too late
to do anything about it now."

Heartfelt words spoken
at the end of a day
that'd seen six heart attacks
come and go

Across the hours
your silence spoke volumes
marching time as it did through your pain

Eyes closed to the world
until those last words
spoken with such passion
as I steeled myself to leave

You grasped my hand
held it tight to your chest
your gaze like a cloak encircling me

Gravity carried my tears
anguish spotting the floor
yours a lifetime of sorrows
staining the pillow

How I walked away
I will never know
my heart breaking with each step

Death was expected
the very next day
already it was knocking
but you didn't open the door

Not for another
forty-four days
finally leaving wrapped in my embrace

Ready you were
after our time together
your room in the hospice
our port in the storm

We laughed and we cried
we talked and forgave
we journeyed far and deep

You had said it was too late
to show me your love
but truly it wasn't
you know, Pa

You did an excellent job
at the end of the day
and in your own way
my  life through

I may have nothing material
to remind me of you
but my memories will never fade

Last day today
Saying goodbye won't be easy
how much time will I need to sacrifice
to be with you again

tomorrow will be a cold day
and December won't be lovely
without you here by my side
..until we meet again