Jaycee Dec 2018
I hear his laugh
and the world stops spinning.
No one ever told me how good it felt
to just be happy.

To take a look at your life
and know what's happening.
Even if it's still the beginning
things can change so fast.

I never thought I'd move out
I always believed I'd be sad forever,
that I'd end up settling for someone
who always hurt me and made me cry.

Today I'm happy.
I can see my future unraveling.
I am in love with my best friend,
and I don't know what will happen tomorrow...

But I know it will be okay.
I'm finally in a place where I feel kind of comfortable. I'm not thinking about death everyday or feeling unevitably sad when I wake up. I feel like I will be okay and am hopeful.
Jaycee Nov 2018
Thunder claps before the lightning strikes.
At least it did for me, and I learned
how a storm can be a beautiful thing.

The sprinkling rain
felt like kisses on my cheek.
Flutters came along after,
and swept me off my feet.

Everything felt better in the rain
that flooded past my ankles.
Even if it resulted in a sprain
it was still worthwhile.

The thunder was so vibrant,
I wanted it to last forever.
I thought it would have been nicer,
but the thunder was the tip of the iceberg.

After the thunder was over
I had no time to waste.
I tried dancing alone in the rain
and jumped from puddle to puddle.

It just wasn't the same.

When the lightning struck I was lost,
determined to make things work,
I stood tall on the perilous ground.
I would stay until things cleared out.

I refused to let this time be like all the rest!
I wanted to pass the test with flying colors
but I lost myself trying to impress others.
I was stuck in a downpour for what felt like forever.

I let the lightning strike me
but I made it out alive.
I'm smiling up at the sky, in the sunlight
that's peaking out at me.

A storm is a beautiful thing.
I'm so glad that I can call you my friend. We may not talk every day or every month, but, it makes me happy to see how you're doing. You created a great bundle of memories with me and I can't thank you enough for the lesson you helped me to learn. I'm so glad that you're happy and have made such a beautiful life for yourself. I'm proud that I can look back and know that you're a part of my story. Thank you.
Jaycee Feb 2018
I lost myself in you.

I tried my best to be the best, for you.

I felt a loneliness each day as I'd wait for you to say hi, until I met the ones that helped my eyes to not cry.

I slowly overcame that rope that so tightly kept me attached to my bed, to dwell in the sadness I felt. The sadness you helped to grow.

I realized that I didn't have to be the version of me that worked with you the most. I could be the best version of me for myself, and not anyone else.

That was the moment I knew we didn't fit. It was all an illusion I had created in my head. So I wished you the best, and we said goodbye, and now to you I'll be remembered as "girl number five."

If girl number five could give you any kind of advice, she would tell you to get over all five of the girls you've had in your life before looking for number six. Maybe if you do that, six will be the one that fits with you.
I'm happy without you.
Jaycee Jan 2018
You seem to be doing fine,
I'm glad to not be haunting your life.
Knowing you're okay makes me so glad,
we said goodbye.
a love, just like ours, wouldn't last.
Jaycee Jan 2018
Who am I?
Someone tell me because I don't know, all I know is that I'm scared of myself and hurting. I don't like the way I'm turning. I hate myself and can feel the burning. I'm not infuriated I'm just sad. I'm a sad shell of a person who lost themself in someone else; something else. What did I ever really want? When did I change and why? Who am I? Someone tell me because I don't recognize who's looking back at me in the mirror. What I see is a whirlpool full of my deepest fears.
Jaycee Jan 2018
I can feel the pressure building
But I don't want to burst, I'm not ready.
I don't want to cry anymore,
so don't let me.
Just hold me,
tell me something, anything to help me
I don't want to shatter.
I'm so afraid of the backlash and chatter.
Don't walk away yet,
please don't go.
I'm so ******* tired of being alone.
That's all last year was,
and it's eaten at me enough.
I can feel the monsters teeth still,
gnawing into my heart.
It burns like nothing else.
I want to erase it all from the start.
Jaycee Jan 2018
For so long I was blinded,
but now I see clearly.
You blamed me,
you can never be at fault.
Maybe twice you gave in
but the rest was barren.

In the beginning it was obvious,
I was struck with a new kind of substance.
but mixed in with the distance, lies and resistance.
It felt like for so long, I was inexistent.

I tried so hard,
but I was never your lifeguard.
I was just a distraction,
and I'm sure, soon enough you'll be on to the next one.
I hurt myself over and over in the process of trying to love you.
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