Over and over, again and again
Too much is in the way.
The sight of her sparks a freeing sensation, a blaze of infatuating curiosity.
And as I ponder, I wander, I begin to shift to the worlds that exist only when I'm dreaming, when im fully susceptible to my wonder.
I secretly want her, I secretly want to hold her, and feel like I'm not alone.
I want to be drowning in the waves of emotion that wake in her intoxicating aura.
Shes what I want, but can only have when I dream.
the world is ours when I dream. These spaces are a little less lonely when I dream, the air is easier to breathe when I dream.

But there are walls that by code I cannot breach.
The one high I cannot reach.
And by the mocking of the old crows screech, I feel I'm doomed to watch this flower bloom by the light of another man's heat.

The devil on my shoulder cries, to hell with your honor, ****** the man who wont honor her, while my angel implores that I mustn't haste that which I cannot change, how I wasted time sitting idly by, blind to the beauty in front of me. I hadn't shone the light she deserved, the light she needed to flourish. I watch her now, in bloom, in someone else's garden And inside i die a little more with each passing second of this paralyzing predicament. Each second I want to curl up fetal, wishing I had hastened that which I could've changed long before I allowed this much to get in the way.

Breathe in, breathe out
There must be a better way to calm me down
My warped and unstable senses cant tell the differences in imagination and reality.
I fret relentlessly in my moments of depersonalization coaxed by anxiety

I fail to follow on point to the mantras of carpe diem seeing only the obstacles along my path and not how to defeat them

Pacing a blazing trail that takes me nowhere, terrified by the idea of having to live with my failures
I know there's a better place to be for me, but making it there, making that change clutches my lungs, stalls my heart and suspends my breathing

Held down by demons as the room im in starts to feel smaller
Crushing my integrity with cynicism and no one to catch me as I falter

Its episodes like these, where I'm vulnerable and terrorized
That I see I'm the result of myself being at war with my own mind.

I cant harbor solace until I find some remedy that'll free me from this world of constant disturbance
For once to finally feel okay, is the only thing in this life that I lust.
They tell me to breathe in, breathe out
I have to try and calm down
Waking heated, drenched in cold sweat, hairs on end.
encompassed by paranoia, how can I tell myself to calm down when my mind is no longer my friend?

I never understood why theres a code in masculinity
A title shrouded by a defining stigma
That one mustn't break down to a weak mold of vulnerability
As if we aren't allowed to feel or express what hurts us

I try to hold back the tides
theres a finite point to how much I can take
The flood is building, higher it will rise
Until the waves crash over as my sea wall breaks

It will be rebuilt, taller and more fortified
But the waters will find a way inside
They flow harder and with rage intensified
All because of this world where my feeling are forced to hide

I'm wide awake
And I'm feeling sick
Drank too much
And I'm still not over it.
Still not over her

It's all my fault
And it's getting worse
****** up, threw it all away
no way out without someone getting hurt
Still I want her back

This tastes about as sweet as my cigarette
While I'm sitting here theres some man in my lovers bed
I tried my hand, just wasnt it
Now I tried it again but this time my hand got bit.
******, I need her back.

It stings worse the more I think about it.
And I wish I could stop thinking about it.
I'm afraid this is it.
God, why did I leave it

876 Miles, the finite distance to an infinite incapability of being where I want to be,
far beyond where the horizon obstructs my sight
loathing distance has never meant more to me.
This pain in my chest is driven by nail with each stage of anxiety
this pit in my stomach sinks further with every inch you seem leave.
Waking after the dawn of a night I cant forget is torture in it's own
when I feel this drifting piece of me fading so far from home.
This vessel I am, cage-conditioned, desolated, derelict,
tries to put back every puzzle piece but none of them seem seem to fit.
I'm cold without your heat
I'm dead without your heartbeat
I breathe with ease but I'm just a husk that's empty where you cant see.
Now you've gone, no anger just pain remains
awaiting eagerly in my eerie state, staging this happy face so that next we meet I wont feel the need to pretend I'm okay.