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Apr 2021 · 195
Pear Tree
Janal Rajput Apr 2021
I grew pears from my home,

Inside a ***, inside of my heart,

A Baby seedling;

adolescent stems,

To mature green jaded Jems,

Green and vibrant, plump-juicy

Lavishing my heart with beauty


So I gave them out, to you and to him,

My beige tote-bag filled to the rafter,

Thinking one or two is what you'd be after,

Shocked to find such a ravenous hunger,

I had no pears to no longer offer.


I tried to grow more, but come winter,

My pear tree withered and shivered,

I came to you with no pears, you were bitter,

So I grew opal plumbs in that same winter,

Thinking I'd be sure be onto a winner.


But you said you hated plump plumbs,

And that it's pears you're really after,

"If only pears could grow in winter,"

I would wonder,

"Then we could have our happily ever after "


So I waited till the dewy mossy spring,

To my pear tree did I most softly sing,

About a day, where I spent its jade gems,

Plucked right from their own stems

To someone who would appreciate them.
Apr 2021 · 125
Mine
Janal Rajput Apr 2021
I'll drink this wine
Like it's medicine
For a sick mind

And I'll do my time
Each year a scar
Remembering

You were mine
Feb 2021 · 178
Earth
Janal Rajput Feb 2021
All the tears I've cried,
Swam from thine eyes,
Testaments to the times,
Each drop an example,
Of all the hurt and lies,
Yet they flow no more,
Leaving fluid scarring,
Broken meadeners,
Across run down cheeks,
Each line, a visceral cut
Deep into my core,
Reminding me clearly,
The weak don't inherent,
The Earth.
Jan 2021 · 117
Shattered Shards
Janal Rajput Jan 2021
I am shattered shards,
Grains of sand and stone,
Of thin ice and poker cards,
Yet they slip from my hands,
A hound that's lost his bone,
An arena vacant of any fans,
A sinner reluctant to atone,
Forever lost in distant lands,
Trying to find my own home,
But I am stretched too thin,
Playing a game I won't win.
Apr 2020 · 128
Home
Janal Rajput Apr 2020
I miss looking out my sky-light star gazing,

Surrounded by the warm glow of candlelight,

Long shadows curling up my walls and over me,

Snuggling close, encasing and tucking me in,

While I fell asleep to the flickering light, blazing.


I miss the sound of comfortable silence,

And the familiarity it could bring me,

Without the chaos and turmoil of my family,

Unraveling in delicate daisies and ambiance.


I miss the feeling of burning wispy jasmine,

Watching the thin lines pierce the air clearly,

As white smoke surrounded and encased me,

I felt free as a bird with all it's grace and beauty.


I miss the edge of my bed; the corners of my bookcase,

Each book containing a different piece of my heart,

How I could re-read them, discover new loving parts,

Escaping reality, swept off the road, leaving no trace.


I miss being able to sit in the moment of my first kiss,

Confidence coming from God knows, I reached over,

Stumbling and fumbling in that cold evening in October,

How I was full of naivety, awkwardness and ignorant bliss.


I miss my old CD's and my prehistoric stereo,

The simplicity of changing albums physically,

Singing along to those old emo songs joyously,,

They were my lifeline, more than I'll ever know.


I miss the lock on my door and the clunky key,

The one time I lost it and had to pay for a locksmith,

The chipped corners from my teenage adolescence,

How it kept me locked away- secluded I was free.


I miss the makeshift and haphazardly made carpet,

The memory of my mother laying it over cold cement,

Making do with little money, but still making it *****,

It was my makeshift carpet and one I'd never forget.


I miss my childhood teddy, one that I didn't even name,

How he would fall down in the dead of night suddenly,

Startling! Yet comforting as I hugged him into me warmly,

Despite not knowing his name, I loved him all the same.


I miss my PlayStation Four and all the friends I made,

My best-friends despite only knowing their usernames,

The adventures we went onto together playing games,

"One more game, one more round-Is it 3am? Another raid!"


I miss those childhood sleepovers with my best mates,

Before the labels, the social cliques and exclusivity,

Where we ate pizza, played Pokemon, thought positively,

Before we all drifted apart, to different schools and classmates.
I miss my childhood home sometimes..
Apr 2020 · 247
Red Roses
Janal Rajput Apr 2020
We tried to grow red roses;

But they were rotten from root, out of place,

In a colorful meadow we once called our own,

When you left me, running away without a trace,


We tried to grow red roses;

Maybe they would have bloomed, had you stayed,

But I doubt it, your thumb is as green as your heart,

Instead you left me to rejuvenate your rot and decay,


We tried to grow red roses;

But the seeds hadn't a chance, you knew from the start,

Emotionally unavailable gardeners reap what they sew,

I found many fields, where you also crossed your heart,


We tried to grow red roses;

Talking other gardener's into broken and cracked promises,

Already planning on your next field to seed rot through,

Heinz-sight exposed your compromises to excuses,


We tried to grow red roses;

But they are nothing but ash and grey dust in the wind,

See my garden now comes with fences and lie detectors,

To detect liars like you, throwing them in my compost bin,


I will regrow those red roses;

So they bloom brilliantly, they will shake in effervescence,

With both of my gentle hands, without your green heart,

So they know a love that is constant and not just convenient,


I will regrow those red roses;

So that I can learn to love my garden again, in all its glory,

Not one just filled with roses but bluebells, daffodils, violets,

And when you come back, Gaze upon me with green envy.
Apr 2020 · 555
Finding You
Janal Rajput Apr 2020
When I think of pain, my mind wonders to you,
Because for you, pain is not something shiny brand new,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of strength, my mind wonders to you,
In your resolve to scrape pain away like old mildew,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of happiness, my mind wonders to you,
In your sunflower smile and floral rose gold tinted view
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of hope, my mind wonders to you,
Your flora brought sunlight when I thought it taboo,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of Holy God, my mind wonders to you,
Because you gave me the bridge to see Yahweh in me too,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of love, my mind always wonders to you,
In the way you have your heart is so open and see-through,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of caring hands, my mind wonders to you,
Because I see the way you love in radiant red with no ocean blue,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of resolve, my mind wonders to you,
How you connect the dots and attach people like glue,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of faith, my mind wonders to you,
I nearly lost mine but you held onto me with your glue,
My mind always wonders to you

When I think of you, my most beloved friend,
I bless God in your name, our journey is not the end,
Because my mind always wonders to you.
For Aleah, my rock, my truest friend in this harsh world we call a life. She is the most caring, loving, and genuine person I've had the pleasure of knowing. She changed me for the better.
Apr 2020 · 83
Silhouettes
Janal Rajput Apr 2020
We danced and smoked cheap cigarettes.,
In the dark of night between shadows,
Two dancing but fading silhouettes.
Apr 2020 · 144
Is It True?
Janal Rajput Apr 2020
Leave me, like they all eventually do,
Tell me, is what they say, is it true?
Am I the common denominator, the
Crying wolf in a victim-less crime?
Is that why they all left, left me alone,
Watching my life as it passes the time?

Tell me, is what they say, is it true?
That I'm the reason you've reached the
Tether; cut our relationship through,
Even if I cried, and tried, to do my best
For you
Is that why I'm alone, with no company
But mistakes I need to atone, haunting
Me until I decay to my perforated bone?

Tell me, is what they say, is it true?
That I can't let go of my own demons,
That they are stuck to me like super-glue,
And I never tried to stop them hurting you,
I let them dig their claws into your innocent
Flesh, drag you into the darkness by your legs
So that you could feel it- the pain I were in too.

Tell me, is what they say, is it true?
That I never cared, or even tried to see the real you?
Was my vision so clouded, my eyesight so distorted,
I could not see you, in my own world of cold blues?
Did the storm of my mind consume me so fiercely,
That I never realized, after the cyclone died, you
were always my one and only silver lining?

Tell me, is what they say, is it true?
That my intentions were never genuine,
I never cared, it was all some magical ruse,
I'm the parasite and you were my victim,
The vampire who injected you with poison,
Turning blood black as it reached your heart
Is that why, now I find that we are apart?

You left me, like they always do,
So what they say, well it must be,
It most certainly, has to be true.
Mar 2020 · 114
First Impressions
Janal Rajput Mar 2020
It started off as innocent flirting,
You were just so **** charming,
So charming it flat-lined my heart,
Need CPR to jump-start and restart,
You spoke in warm milk and honey,
I ate it all up with my silver spoon,
Until the bowl was all but empty,
And they way you looked at me,
As if you'd won the ****** lottery,
The apple of your eye, your only prize
I knew then, there'd be no other guys
I knew I loved you unconditionally,
My whole bleeding heart in its entirety.
Mar 2020 · 80
Lime
Janal Rajput Mar 2020
I think about you all the time;

Each thought as if a finger cut,

From knife as sharp as time,

One that was dipped in lime.
Feb 2020 · 59
Hands
Janal Rajput Feb 2020
The memory of you comes in waves,
Some nights they come crashing,
And some days I feel the gentle ripple
Against the edges of my memory,
As if you turned into sand and cascaded,
Slipping right through my naïve hands,
I tried to clutch onto each grain of sand,
You drifted away, what more could I say?
You wouldn’t hear me anyway,
You simply just drifted away, out of mind
And with each passing of the tide,
I let you and your haunted memories go,
You were the arrow and I was poised,
Shot my longbow, watching as you soared,
Fading into the red and yellow hues,
Soaring away from me and my ocean blues,
I walked the scars of my heart to the graveyard,
Where past friendships lay buried, their ghosts
Clawing at me, desperately trying to remind me,
Of all the times I let them down, as if they were
A lock and I just didn’t have the right kind of key,
But your grave rested in the deepest chambers,
Down in the depths of murky waters, through a
Pitch-black cave- where I had demons locked away,
The walls were shacking threatening to concave,
That’s where it was, chipped and rotted away,
Was your grave, which I used to visit everyday,
So I smashed you into tiny pieces, and carried
You to the edge of my subconscious, right by the
Shoreline, watching as you cascaded into sand,
Releasing you from once naïve and trusting hands.
Dec 2019 · 442
You're Not Him
Janal Rajput Dec 2019
On some cold nights, oh, I miss you,
So I cling for my teddy when I'm alone,
Wishing that I could still call your phone,
So I cling to my teddy when I'm alone,
But he doesn't have your heart-beat,
I can't hear its rhythmic thump in my ear,
Close to my heart where I held you dear,
And he doesn't smell like the way you do,
No trace of your intoxicating sweat or perfume,
Missing a scent that used to be all over my bedroom,
You see, my teddy is soft and furry,
And not firm and steady,
Like the way I remember you,
With my head on your chest,
Forgetting time and space,
You kissing me half-dressed ,
And he doesn't sound like you,
He can't mumble into my chest,
Telling he loves me too,
He can't bite and whisper into my ear,
Making my legs give way as he says,
All he wants to be is here, with me,
He can't breathe down and lick my neck,
Making me double-take in breath,
My body becoming a nervous wreck,
My teddy is warm and comforting,
But he can't pull me closer into him,
Wrapping my legs around his waist,
I can't kiss him to remember your taste,
And he can't kiss me before I go to bed,
Right where I need it, on my forehead,
His paws cant draw lines down my body,
Like the way you could with your hands,
Send electricity through every part of me,
And I can't wear my teddy's clothes,
Because well he doesn't really have those,
But you took all yours, but that's how it goes
My teddy is cute and adorable,
But to compare his face to yours is laughable,
Because you are so beautiful,
Especially when you were joyful,
Some nights alone I miss you,
And I cling to my teddy wishing it were you,
Hoping it to be good enough to replace you,
That it could never be anything close to you,
I'm just clinging to long-past memories of you,
But you're long gone so my teddy will just do,
Because you're not coming back to my room,
You're not going to replace my teddy with the real you,
You're not going to slide next to and cuddle me,
You're not going to come in and say that you love me,
You're no longer even a real person,
But a ghost of memories that continue to haunt me,
But I still want you, desperately, clinging to my teddy,
Trying to regrow the piece of my heart you took from me.
Miss my ex. Wrote this.
Dec 2019 · 161
Crack
Janal Rajput Dec 2019
If you're gonna break my heart,
Do it with force, crack it in two,
Make sure not to leave splinters,
So there are no shards of you,
So I know there's no pain,
So there are no more games,
Or regret we're finally through,
To accept it'll never be the same,
And that we were both to blame.
Nov 2019 · 180
Acoustic Guitar
Janal Rajput Nov 2019
You used my heart strings for your acoustic guitar,
Strung them along until they snapped,
So I drowned them in sorrows at the bar,
Mourning a love that had been kidnapped.
Nov 2019 · 157
Who I am
Janal Rajput Nov 2019
Who I am, is not what I want to be,
Who I am, is someone that I can't see,

Who I am, is not who I want to be,
I am caged in self-doubt and spite,
Who I am, is someone I can't see,

Rooted in bad-habits, a rotten tree,
The fruit of my efforts poisonous,
Who I am, is not who I want to be.

Rockbottom, I've gone far below sea,
Drowning in regret, thoughts I circumvent,
Who I am, is someone I can't see,

When will I feel something? I plea,
Tired of feeling tired when I'm tired,
Who I am, is not who I want to be,

Me and self-love can't seem to agree,
And it isn't self-hate, just negligence,
Who I am, is someone I can't see,

This year has been tough on me,
Broke down my armour and stability
I've survived somehow miraculously
Broken and hurt, faced my problems,
Even if I did it a little haphazardly,
But I will change, I will change cause:

Who I am, is not who I want to be,
Who I am, is someone I can't see.
Self reflection has shown me I don't like the person I am right now, and I am not depressed about it, just eager to start the process of change to who I imagine myself to be.
Janal Rajput Nov 2019
I hate you, my heart.
Why can't you learn that these feelings you cling to desperately;
Become my greatest enemy, leaving me in helpless ecstasy?
And we can we talk about your taste in men,
How it messes me over again and again-

Because I feel as if you thrive to see my discomposure,
Making my rationality as useless as cannon fodder,
With your fetish for unrequited affection,
It is as if you're blinded and deaf to a any real connection,
Yet you subvert my own rational objections to peruse a love
Rooted in self-doubt and rejection.

My brain caves to the weight of star-crossed lovers you obsess over,
And I know you just ache for him to be here-with us- and I do too,
He's the bridge to our unstable cliff-sides;
But you need to face reality,
Trust my instincts and those bad vibes,
He doesn't care.
God! Things are so tough,
Why can't being alone be enough!?

You know my insecurities caused by the cavalier passion
You place on our sleeve for all deceive,
You alone saw love that was destined to wilt,
How I find it hard to trust someone else,
Expose the shards of my true self.

You just watch as we go head first unconditionally,
Loving with a restless and reckless flippancy,
With the passion of a great symphony,
Me and you aligned perfectly in alluring clarity,
Bursting with delicious divinity,
Achieving beautiful brilliancy,
We see colours in rays of a passionate soliloquy,
Intoxication to your desolation,
All this absolute affection, met with rejection.
I don't want this!
We do not need this!
I can't bear to see you break again,
Because I'm the ones that picks up your messy pieces,
Nurses your bruises and heals your diseases,
Unleashes adhesive to stick you back in the hole in my chest-
Hoping the aching will stop if you get some rest.

The distance you feel towards him yeah it makes me depressed,
It messes with my mind, makes me so stressed,
Wondering why are you so sentimental
To boys that treat you as if you were a devil
Can't you see we have better things that we could be?
Maybe focusing on that degree,
You'd rather pull me into your warped reality:
Gentle kisses,
Notions of chivalry,
Walks across ******* beaches,
The smell of his skin,
Eyes tearing my soul to pieces,
Love with all its villainy.
You never told me, though, that this was all merely imagery,
Soon fades like a Polaroid with antiquity...

I hate you, my heart,
I can't control you,
I never could,
I'm petrified of the heartbreak you threaten to bring on us,
Your desire the epicenter to an earthquake that will shake these worn in bones...
Please don't lead us into cold decay,
For once let's keep your passions at bay and notions of love away,
For I fear this time,
We will both have a price to pay.
This is about the classic fight between one's heart and mind and how subsequently my heart's bad decisions with boys come with scathing comments from my mind.
Nov 2019 · 532
Sun & Moon
Janal Rajput Nov 2019
Where the sea kisses the land,
And Luna and Sole coincide,
Between them is a fine, fine, line,
They walk both sides of it,
Love and Hope,
In pure gold dance in diamonds and step in sunshine,
Love holds his hand showing a world to behold,
Their ambiance intoxic worth dying for it,
He could waste his youth forever,
Chasing kites, he finds no better time,
Lets them rub his back, grow in his spine,
Dancing to his own beat, two left feet,
Hope covers his eyes in the heat,

He looks back into the divide,
Where the sea kisses the land,
And Luna and Sole coincide,
There it is again, caressing his chest,
That feeling- it flows like the wind,
He sees Love elegantly dressed alone,
By the cliff-side, wanting to meet the high-tide,
Something broke, and he wanted home,
Chasing Love he screamed and wailed,
Begged her stop, she seemed so very far,
He couldn't stop her despite how he tried,
He couldn't believe it, is it true;
That some feelings can travel too?
So he watched Love meet the sea,
A silver bullet piercing the murky blue,
A shred of light glimmers in depravity,
Prayed for salvation or divine retribution,
For someone to find his center of gravity,
Maybe in the murky blue he'll find absolution,
Maybe in depravity there is the solution,
Maybe amongst the pollution and the convolution there is revolution.
Oct 2019 · 541
Romance
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
You killed Romance:
In the night shrouded in blue,
See Romance thought you cherished him,
So he looked after you,
Fantasized and idealized images of you-
Herbal baths, pink perfumed steam,
Caring hands that you loved too,
Gentle kisses down your neck,
Sweet like dripping whip cream,
Nose to nose, breath to breath, cheek to cheek
Romance's lucid teenage dream,
Eyes saying more than we could ever speak,
In car windows filled with steam,
But they were only cheap thrills,
Destined to wilt, destined to fall apart
left Romance so weak
To him it was you and I- but to you?
There was no team.

Yet you still threw love at him in synthetic roses
Told him you loved him,
Told him you missed him,
That you wanted to see him,
Be with him,
Care for him,
But did you?
Romance offered you a world to view
In pastel colours of orange and blue,
Hints of violet and a love ever so true,
Wanted to cherish your smile,
But you Made him feel like a criminal on trial,
While he kissed the glint in your eye,
You lied-made him believe you'd try,
So he listened to the sound of your laughter,
And you'd cancel, tell him you'd have to see him later,
Romance craved to speak to your soul, but you never exposed it- afraid to lose control.

Romance left you ironically you never missed him,
Because you never cared enough to understand him,
Or knew him in your apartment with the city lights over the balcony,
Romance could never have touched you, only dreamed of you,
Because you sought out Lust,
And he gave you flesh,
With little faith and a lot less trust,
Not someone to love and caress,
Only someone for your body to ******,
Romance wanted the passion of your heart,
the wonders of your mind,
That night you killed Romance he cried one last tear
Hoped you'd leave lust behind and find someone at night you can rely on-
Hold dear
He couldn't hate you because he knew not how to
Only love you
Drive the knife deeper
Your unwanted pig to slaughter
Chop him up
Throw away the parts you didn't like
Wrap him in cling film
Sell him to the highest bidder
And he still loved you
Hoping you'll find happiness too.
Oct 2019 · 462
Eternal Night
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
Looking out my window I saw a fright!
The coldest and most blackest night,
Not a soul alive and I could not hide,
For the wind it screamed full of spite,
Against my window with vicious might!

I prayed for solace and for good day-light,
Yet my prayers were in vain of such a sight,
Petrified, I watched as the tempest grew,
The Thunder laughed at my dearest plight,
For it crashed to ground and lit it alight!

Never had a storm caused such a blight,
Had I angered the Gods? Is this their smite?
For no storm of man could shatter the trees,
O what a tale my death shall write,
The storm rages with rampant delight!

What horror is this? O it cannot be!
Do my eyes deceive me, or is this what I see?
A man soaked to the bone in this cyclone!?
Desperately clinging to but a broken tree,
In the foulest of nights, I run to his plea!

I ran into the vicious gale suddenly,
To walk the line between bravery and foolery!
Whilst the downpour drowned the very ground,
I felt like a sailor who was lost at sea,
My only guide this man’s despairing plea!

He screamed and bellowed as if a banshee!
O what more horrors had this night for me?
His body was broken, his back cut open,
God what such a wound, perhaps a tree?
I could not tell for it was too dark to see!

I reached to lift his head, for he might be dead!
Stunned to find his skin burning hot instead,
He whispered to me in the howling night,
I could not hear, what must he have said?
I cared not for the storm filled me with dread!

He turned his beautiful face to me,
Never will I forget what I did see!
For it filled me with sorrow,
To see such beauty in melancholy,
Black tears ran from his eyes freely!

My heart cracked at his obvious pain,
He stood up, the lightning striking again!
He lifted a hand and the storm subsided,
Whispering to me in a voice of disdain,
“I am no mortal; do you know my name?”

I rejoiced as my dark night turned light!
For an Angel had come in my darkest plight!
I praised The Lord and fell to my knees
Bowing my head in respectful benight,
“What is the name of the Angel who saved me tonight!?”


“I am not what you claim
And I have many a name
Lord of the Flies, Father of Lies,
Morningstar, Moloch and Beelzebub
Mortals I do despise.”

My eyes widened in stricken fear,
As he smiled at me with cheer,
I tried to turn, I tried to run,
My attempts met with a sneer,
I was trapped like a hunted deer!

Drenched to the bone I could see my home
Is this my punishment, my sins to atone?
I wondered how such beauty sat on
The darkest of Thrones,
I watched as he snapped two Angelic wings,
The crack sounding right from the bone

Blood as black as oil seeped into the ground,
Where it festered and boiled, I stood still spellbound
The tar sizzled my skin and bone, I prayed for God
“Pray all you want but this is unhallowed ground,
Your prayers fall silent they make not a sound!”

I began sinking into the black boiling pit,
My skin blistering and becoming alight,
He hovered above me, looking with spite,
And I felt his true hate and menacing might,
I sank deeper and deeper, I realized with fright,
I was falling into the Eternal Night.
A poem I wrote for Halloween!
Oct 2019 · 279
The Wind
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
Be the gusty wind
Screaming against confinement
To roam the skies free
Oct 2019 · 294
Metamorphosis
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
You can change your life, if you want to;
Gather all those broken pieces,
Pick yourself up, no need to feel blue,

Glue them together, make something new,
Rise like a phoenix, shed like a snake,
You can change your life, if you want to,

Turn over a new leaf, buy a horseshoe,
Smile at the rain and reconcile your pain,
Pick yourself up, no need to feel blue,

Go learn a language or get a new hairdo,
Learn how to sew or start Kung Fu!
You can change your life, if you want to,

You deserve a second chance, we all do,
From mistakes we learn and grow,
Pick yourself up, no need to feel blue,

Take a new class, ride in a canoe,
Go wherever life takes, trust me,
You can change your life, if you want to,
Pick yourself up, no need to feel blue!
Sunshine and Rainbows x
Oct 2019 · 292
How Could I Ever Tell You?
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.

How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.

How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.

How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.

How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.

How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.

How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?

No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.

How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".

How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.

How could I tell you that your real son is gay?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?
This is my coming out poem to my Mum. If you're LGBT and have traditional/strict religious parents you'll know and unfortunately share the pain expressed in this poem. It was really important to me to show my feelings of not wanting to hurt my Mum with the truth, even if it needed to be said.

If Anyone is struggling with this please, please, please inbox me I'll always give you an online shoulder to cry on!
Oct 2019 · 142
Nearly 20
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
I'm nearly 20.
I thought by now I would be able to see clearly,
But it's cold outside and a little foggy,
Don't really feel in control of my life

I'm a little dizzy

I feel naive, trying to plan my life out,
Truth is those plans drive me crazy,
I'm lost in the moments of adolescence,
Makes me sick, makes me weary,
I thought my life would nourish me plenty,
Not to say I'm simply unhappy,
It's just that i can't help but think that...

Why have things turned out so differently?
What is life trying to tell me? To teach me?

I'm nearly 20.
I look like a delicate seed but feel like an old oak tree,
Worn in, old and bashed against the sea,
Feel like I'm drifting motionlessly,

Into that sea

The captain's dead and rafts are broken,
haven't got any sense of direction,
Wonder where i am going,
Floating in introspection,
And I just can't help but think that,

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Lost my childhood, sadly
I'd be lying if I said i haven't lost more, frankly,
But no regrets, they've shaped me into the man I am, even if it's been crazy
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Thought I loved him
Boy did he put me in a frenzy,
Shame you were a waste of time and money,
But I'll never forget your eyes- soft blue eyes staring at me kindly,

I found a home in them,unexpectedly,
Don't worry though, I will still be friendly,
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
I've not been a saint, incidentally
Realize I've made bad choices, with and without company,
Ready to put them a cemetery,
Bury them into soil and dirt,

Maybe then I can look back and feel less hurt so i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Still writing sad poetry
Listening to the same old bands,
Unfortunately,
Feel like I'm changing, not the same old me
So much more I could be,
What happens now, I don't really know,
But I'm nearly 20,
So I guess we'll see.
Wrote this one a while ago.
Oct 2019 · 135
Roots
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
You fell into my roots willingly;
In the summer haze my flora shone effervescently,
But winter came, my pink petals died
And without your rose tinted view,
You saw my roots for what they were,
Scars of what I was going through,
You fell too deep, and I couldn't save you.
Oct 2019 · 101
Trapped
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
T-R-A-P-P-E-D

T for the time I've spent thinking about you.

R for the recent memories pooling into my mind reminding me how there was nothing I could do.

A for the amount of moments we had that held us together like sticky glue.

P for the promise you made to me crystal clear all shiny brand new.

Another P for that same promise which you broke, shattered into shards, fell to the floor, when you said we were through.

E for the bittersweet end of you moving on and me crying to my mom under a heavy sky fading blue.

D for the destruction you caused me, trying to forget you but you're just like a faded tattoo.

T-R-A-P-P-E-D

I'm trapped in the memory of you,
But I've started to think a little less about you,
The moments we shared were great but none of it was ever true,
Because that promise you broke showed the real you,
So I've covered up your tattoo with something brand new-
I pray one day you take the time for some introspection,
Realise all your misplaced affection do some self reflection:
And maybe you'll see that all I had was time for you,
All I wanted was to cherish our memories and bask in our moments
Keep my promise to you
And if that ever happens,
Don't ever try to call me, cause you'll know what it feels like to be

T-R-A-P-P-E-D

Trapped in the memory of me
Wondering what should've been and what could've been
While I will be soaring free
Focuing on that degree and
Chasing silver linings exploring all there is to see

Because you're

T-R-A-P-P-E-D

In the one that got away
And you're gonna regret till you're old and grey.
My ex inspired this lol
Oct 2019 · 305
Brilliance.
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
I was fire;
Eyes burning with rage,
Gasoline in my viens,
You were cold like crystal ice,
Glistening in the heat,
Frozen enough to escape my eyre.

I was water;
Running free like a stream,
Let you see the depths of my sea,
You were the restless rock,
Letting me chip away at you,
A boat with a vicious marauder.

I was light:
Smiling like the sunshine,
A flickering candle,
You were the dark surrounding me,
Of all the things I couldn't see,
In the dark, I dreamed of things we could be.

I was soul;
Dancing in the moonlight,
To the beat of your heart,
You were soft music,
Connecting two lost parts,
In rhythmic tones and acoustics.
Idk
Oct 2019 · 508
Me and You
Janal Rajput Oct 2019
I miss the way me and you used to be,
How I hugged you-sang you my favourite song,
I gave my heart to you at the bottom of the sea,
You left it there, drowning with nowhere to belong,

You ran while it screamed and cried for you,
Ran until it's last beat was all but complete,
It's not your fault, you didn't have a clue,
You ran while your eyes were in concrete:

You couldn't see the Witch before your eyes;
Charm your mind, poison your body, spell your soul,
Don't listen to the Siren- swim to your demise,
Kitsune won't stop until you're under her control,

I'm sorry to brittle bone that I lied, lied, lied:
No matter what we go through I'll always love you,
My heart is dead at the bottom of the sea, but still cries,
Hoping you'll swim down to find me like a lost tattoo ,

And I'll wait for you to come hear my favourite song,
Cause me and you will never be apart for too long.
Sep 2019 · 250
Grow
Janal Rajput Sep 2019
Grow what you need in the cracks of my spine,
Care for and nurture your trust in my soul,
Take all you need, I'll give you all that's mine,

You will smile at the colours you'll see in time,
They'll run into my blood and dance on my eyes,
Grow what you need in the cracks of my spine,

Deconstruct me, tear me to pieces- I'm fine,
Take what you want and I'll still provide,
Take all you need, I'll give you all that's mine,

Drink me deep into you like fine red wine,
Let my trust of you age- mature into love,
Grow what you need in the cracks of my spine

Drain all you need and leave my eyes no shine,
Wash away my colours- give to someone new,
Take what you need, I'll give you all that's mine,

I grew you trust laced with love- was that a crime?
Your face becomes that of someone I don't know,
Grow what you need in the cracks of my spine,
Take all you need, I'll give you all that's mine.
My attempt at a Villanelle  poem:)

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