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May 2020 · 85
Untitled
Jayden McKinney May 2020
Why do we all have to live up to standards of society?
No ones the same,
We’re all different,
Hiding behind a mask to fit in,
Looking through a window to hope someone understands us
May 2020 · 84
Untitled
Jayden McKinney May 2020
It’s been a while since over written
The words are there
Circulating my brain
Pushing it down
Making it hard to think
But still I choose to keep it in
Why?
I don’t know I guess I’m stubborn that way
Mar 2020 · 69
Dream
Jayden McKinney Mar 2020
I had a dream last night,
Of us,
It seemed so endless,
Endless cuddles,
Naps,
Grey's Anatomy,
And then I woke up and it was all over
Mar 2020 · 49
“Father”
Jayden McKinney Mar 2020
Not just a word,
But a title,
One you were supposed to have in my life,
But instead you constantly choose everyone over me,
You’ve tried turning my brother,
The one person in this world I can share anything to,
Without judgement,
Against me,
You’ve endlessly tried turning everyone I love against me,
My mom,
My brothers,
My friends,
And only few have listened,
And left,
You wonder why I don’t speak to you,
Why when asked I say I don’t have a father,
When confronted by my youngest brother about not wanting you in my life,
As his father was never in his,
I simply say,
He has never been a father to me,
He hasn’t been the one picking me up after some bully has knocked me down,
Because you have been the one knocking me down,
He has never cheered me on,
Instead you use my victories and twist them inside me to make me feel defeated,
He never defended me against those who wish me harm,
Instead you welcome them back into your home.

A father?
Someone who loves you for who you are,
Someone who cheers you on,
Someone who only wants what’s best for you?

Yea I never had one of those
Just a little rant
Feb 2020 · 57
Words
Jayden McKinney Feb 2020
Sometimes words start to flood my head,
Words that constantly point me in the wrong direction,
Words that want me to feel pain,
Those are the words that kept me from blocking him for so long,
The ones that told me he was a good person,
The ones that stoped me from knowing the truth.
That be only wants pain,
He only wants drama,
He’ll hurt anyone I care for,
That he’s toxic

I wish I could just make those word disappear,
Make them go away forever,
But I can’t,
And there must be a reason why
Feb 2020 · 52
the recurring nightmare
Jayden McKinney Feb 2020
i've been having this same nightmare since I was 7, I know what caused it but I don't know how to stop it, its so horrifying, I have found ways to live with it but then my brain makes it worse, and I don't know what to do about it at this point, I had it the other night and it was so bad because now I have more people who I deeply care about in my life and brain used it against me, I'm unable to stop it so what do I do? do I just have them and somehow push it off as if it's nothing, because it's not nothing, it's definitely something but it's so unexplainable I don't even know what to do, how do I tell people about it without sounding insane?
Feb 2020 · 64
RANT
Jayden McKinney Feb 2020
the school system is so ******* irritating,
i've been doing all this work for years to be where Im at now,
and because of 0.1 credit i may not be able to graduate this year
0.1 credit,
that's ******* just let me write a ******* paper or something,
it not even half of a credit,
it may all get fixed tomarrow
but if not
im literally ******
AHHHHHHH
Feb 2020 · 56
Insomniac
Jayden McKinney Feb 2020
Here I lay,
Night after night,
unable to fall asleep,
The only thing on my mind is you,
Your smile,
Words said in the past,
Laughs had in the past,
Laughs we will have in the future,
Words that can now be shared in a future,
All of it consumes me at night,
Taking away the sleep I desperately need,
But it’s ok,
Because you are much much a better picture then the darkness that haunts my dreams,
There’s been less and less of it since you saved me that day,
When your words brought me back from the edge,
The day that snapped me out of years of depression,
The day that has then lead me to gain love for myself,
Are there days of doubt?
Yes, some days I see the little scared child I used to be,
Yes, some days I hate my body,
Yes, some days the horrible things haunt me,
Unable to find happiness,
The horrors that have constantly haunted me,
Are now a shallow thought of the day,
Because now you are my deep thought of night,
Thank you for that day,
Thank you for being there to save me when I couldn’t save myself
Jan 2020 · 52
Untitled
Jayden McKinney Jan 2020
all these months i have liked you
and now you like me too
I'm just so scared I'm gonna do something to mess this up
and not only lose my boyfriend but my friend,
who was there for me when i had no one
Jan 2020 · 65
FINALS WEEK
Jayden McKinney Jan 2020
More stressful then it sounds,
it haunts us all,
on week that could decide our fates,
its more intense then pass or fail,
its a reputation we try so hard to obtain,
a mask,
something that leaves our mark,
are we the funny one,
the boring one,
the nerdy one,
or are we the stressed one,
always worried,
but the thing is,
weather you see it or not,
we're all the worries one,
afraid of what will happen next,
if we'll succeed,
the teachers aren't the problem,
its the pressure,
to do good,
to always get an A
to be better then one another,
to fight against one another one way or another,
life is strange,
be better,
but no violence,
how do they expect us to be better,
without resorting to violence sooner or later?
can we?
is it even possible?
finals week has me thinking about the way society pins us against each other in many different ways.
Jan 2020 · 52
What now?
Jayden McKinney Jan 2020
I want to ask the question,
but the fear takes over and the words wont escape my mouth,
"are we?" that's all I can manage to type before erasing it all,
I wish you'd ask me first so I wouldn't have to..
I wish I knew that we were official,
Yes I know you'll see this but my words are better explained through writing then text.
Jan 2020 · 58
OK
Jayden McKinney Jan 2020
OK
OK,
"do you want to do this"?
the question scares me but the answer is simple,
hard to say but simple,
yes I want to do this,
no matter the fears that come with it
Jan 2020 · 51
Rethink
Jayden McKinney Jan 2020
you wrote something,
directed at me and Im just now seeing it,
and its making me rethink everything,
but I do know what I want,
Im  just too scared to admit it,
but if I do then the future could become so great,
with you.
Dec 2019 · 94
Numb
Jayden McKinney Dec 2019
I walk around a shell of who I once was,
Hoping I start to feel again,
No one notices anything,
Maybe I’m just meant to be numb,
Maybe it’s better this way
Dec 2019 · 116
Untitled
Jayden McKinney Dec 2019
Always caught in the middle,
With no escape,
Why can’t I just live my life without all the pain?
Dec 2019 · 87
About the other night..
Jayden McKinney Dec 2019
2 hours
2 whole hours

It’s the longest we’ve talked since we broke up,
And all it did was make me miss us,
Yes it was nice to talk through our problems,
But it was nicer to be able to laugh,
Cry,
Joke,
Just like we used to,
Before everything got ruined,
But what does it mean now?
You texted me “about last night”
Without a follow up,
You wanted to say something so say it,
So maybe we can have some clarity,
Some closure,
I don’t know,
Something
She called me and we just sat there talking. We broke up in March
Nov 2019 · 85
Untitled
Jayden McKinney Nov 2019
I want to be in your arms again,
Safe from everything,
But you left without a goodbye,
And now I’m just stranded wanting to die
Oct 2019 · 70
“Happy birthday”
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
Words only said because I’ve managed to survive another year,
All I do is wake up,
Do some ******* work,
Go home,
Sleep,
Everyday,
Every year
Oct 2019 · 204
Untitled
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
How do I let go of the anger that’s eating me alive?
Oct 2019 · 176
“Drowning”
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
“You know when you’re drowning you don’t actually inhale until right before you’re about to blackout”

But I’m always drowning,
Can I just blackout already?
Oct 2019 · 183
Empty
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
Feeling empty is my strong suit
Oct 2019 · 71
Privilege
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
‘You hear a siren,
Look outside,
You hear a bang,
Just drop and hide’

life isn’t as perfect as it seems,
Through your house on the hill,
You have no idea,
What it takes to live here,
Trapped,
Not knowing,
Is today the day I’ll leave,
If so through a body bag or a bag in my hand?
Oct 2019 · 286
Untitled
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
Life is hard,
Sometimes unliveable
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
Everyone says it’s gonna be a good day,
But what about those who aren’t here?
The ones I wanna be celebrating with,
Their gone,
And I’m here,
stuck,
Celebrating another year with people who don’t actually care,
All I hear is,
If only’s and maybe’s,
But really it if you were good enough and no,
So I’ll be another year older,
But who can I really celebrate it with?
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
If only you knew,
How much you hurt me,
Destroyed me,

You ripped my life apart,
I’m just one night,
But you don’t know,
So it doesn’t matter,
Right?
Cuz that’s how it works,
Right?
Oct 2019 · 87
How to fight back
Jayden McKinney Oct 2019
They tell us to keep our mouths shut,
We don’t know anything,
We’re too young to decide,
It’s nice to know that they know
Us better then we know ourselves,

They tell us to keep our heads up,
But yet once we really speak out what do they do?
They knock us down and tell us we’re wrong,
How can you ask me to speak out,
And once I do you say I’m wrong?

You ask us to fight,
But you’ll tie our hands behind our back,
So yeah we’ll fight,
Even with our hands behind our back WE WILL FIGHT,

So we will,
We will march,
And we will fight,
Until we can’t fight anymore,

No matter what you do we will continue to fight
Until you untie our hands
And admit that you are wrong,
We know ourselves better than you do

— The End —