My soul longs for all the lives I've lived
Lifetimes ago I was someone different

Maybe once long ago, riches draped from the curves of my being
Maybe whiskey graced my lips far to often
Maybe smoke stained my lungs
Maybe my feet touched mountains
Maybe in a life long ago, my figure was shrouded in darkness
Maybe it was helpless
            or not, maybe it was a warrior, hard and sharp and deadly
Maybe my back was once adorned with wings
Maybe satin dripped from my lips
Maybe symbols littered by skin
Maybe my name was death,
                                       chaos,
                                       mercy,
                                       life
Maybe I died for love
                        for war
                        for a cause

I have lived many lives
                      and I long for them all
My soul longs for its place, its home
            a home that I have no memory of

I am filled with an unyielding ache for things I know nothing of

My ears long for words from worlds long ago
My skin craves the ink that once ran from my fingers so freely
My hands ache to dig into the earth to which they have been a stranger to for so long
My skin aches for the long forgotten bite of steel that was once so familiar  

I am homesick for places that have never been my home,
My soul is cursed to spend its eternity searching for its place.

I wanted to write you something but I couldn't find the words.

Growing up
I was indirectly taught to hide my feelings
I was told she was doing it for attention
     "It's easier to ignore the situation than stop her"
I was told not to give her the satisfaction
I was told she would stop if I ignored her long enough
I believed my mother didn't care
       I was 8

I stopped showing my emotions
I stopped showing my annoyance
                                  my displeasure
I stopped caring
I became reclusive
I hid
I caged my words
      I was 12

Writing became my safe haven
Ink bleeding from my fingers
My words were all I had
My soul stayed hidden between the pages of my notebook along with my words
     I was 13

My sister died and it was in a counseling session that my mother realized her mistake
One I had forgiven her for years ago
     I was 15

If there was anything I learned it was that my words are mine and mine only

I don't think in linear paths
I think in images, not words.
I think through what I see
                       what I hear
                       what I feel

For instance, that night,
I found my sisters body
I saw her lifeless body hanging there
I saw my mother fall to the ground, a strangled mix between a scream and a gasp escaping her lips
I saw the red eyes of my father
I had never seen them before and I've seen them too many times since
I saw the strongest people I've ever known fall to their knees in the rubble of my family
I saw my family fragment, break and stumble under the weight of our grief
But I also saw my family stand up, rise, fight and pull the ripping seams together with our knuckles turning white

I heard my father's panic
I heard my mother's cries
I heard my own disconnected voice as my body and brain worked separately
I heard the voice of the 911 operator in my ear
I heard the sirens
      the ones that now echo in my ears
I hear an unknown voice say "I'm sorry, we couldn't revive her. She's gone," as my mother crumpled into my father.


I felt my blood racing through my veins
I felt my heart pounding in my chest
I felt my muscles moving and tearing and ripping as I ran, fueled by adrenaline
I felt the loss
I felt the icy numbness blanketing my family

I saw a life end that night and dozens of others permanently altered

Her life ended that night and ours changed and came crashing to a halt but we got back up
I got back up

I only hope that wherever she is, she's finally happy

Happier than she was here

It hits me in moments
   sometimes in the silence of the night
   sometimes in the bustle of the day
   others in the middle of a laugh

The truth?
          She's dead
                   gone
She won't hear about the long list of firsts that will eventually happen
                                   first kiss
                                   first date
                                   first love
My only sister is gone and I am alone

That word, suicide, has been forever changed
        Every time I hear it I flash to that cold December night
                                                to everything I saw
I have no questions
My day goes on
        but I know there's that little empty hole hidden behind a filing cabinet in my mind
Should it be bigger?
It will never be filled

If I could ask one thing,
     It wouldn't be why or even comeback

It would be...
                    
Are you happy where you are?

I want it to show
I want red eyes,
           tear stained cheeks,
           ******, bruised knuckles
I don't want these echos in my head at 2 a.m
I don't want these images burned to my eyelids anymore
I want to wear it, to show it
I want it to cover me, to surround me like it did my parents
I want it to show but I hide it
                  So they don't worry

Thantophobia
Noun.
The abnormal fear of death, whether it be your own or someone you love.

The thing is,

I do not fear my own death.
I fear the death of others...
         Of the ones I love.