Why is it that people tell me to speak my mind and that they can handle how weirdly negative I am, and then they get offended or scared or some **** when I actually do?
And THEN they decided to complain about how quiet I am all the time?
Sure, you see me as quiet
But in my head there’s a ******* riot
I’ve tried talking to get people to stay
But in the end they all walk away
I’ve tried to change myself to suit the liking of others before
Never again because the results were just as poor
I used to be so gullible
Thought the world was oh so functional
Saw it all so colorful
But now most of the world is plain and dull

Most people tend to look at me and see nothing but the mask I’ve created for myself
Not many can see what lies below
All they see is a shy, happy, respectful and innocent teenage girl
They think that I probably don’t have a care in the world except my grades in school
Its not true though
Shy and respectful? Ok, sure I’ll give you a bone and tell you that those things are true about me, depending on the people I’m around
But happy and innocent?
No way in hell am I innocent
I’ve hurt people, done awful things without even meaning to, said **** I’ll never forgive myself for
And happy?
I won’t say that I can never be happy
I was happy earlier today
But normally there are only a handful of people and situations that can make my broken heart swell with joy
Other than those moments with them.. I’m normally just numb
Not happy but not sad
Years ago I convinced myself never to allow myself to feel the one emotion that is needed in life
Love
And after I’d successfully kept that out of my life for a while, other emotions drained away with it, though they did pop up every now and then
I did this to myself
I numbed my own heart
I hand crafted a mask I only take off when I’m alone or around certain people
I let this happen to me

Why is it that every time something bad happens, but I refuse to let myself cry, people see me as heartless?
They don’t know my past
No one understands what crying had done to me at a young age
I doubt that many people realize how my past truly affected me, or how it still affects me
I don’t cry very often anymore because I felt weak every time a tear slid down my cheek
So no, I am not heartless
You wanna know how I know, besides the fact that I can drag myself out of bed every morning to go gulp down a handful of pills? My heart is merely broken, and I can FEEL that... every second of every day
But even though I know it’s on the brink of shattering... I still have my heart
It’s not as if it’s already gone
Though.. if I can’t find a way to heal... it might be soon

I used to hope that one day, someone would come rescue me from all the negativity in my own mind
I used to wish that I could finally meet someone who would actually stay.. to just be there to talk when I needed them
I used to search for a person that would accept the fact that I care about them even if only as a friend and wouldn’t tell me I was lying or play it off as a joke
I used to to want to have plenty of people around to talk to and have fun with
But then I realized some things
No one can save me from my mind
No one can save me from myself or my past
I doubt anyone would even be willing to try
I realized that no one would ever stay with a person like me
Not as a friend, lover or anything in between
Why would they? I’m nothing special
I realized that to most people, my feelings are just a joke
Outside my family there aren’t many people who actually care enough to listen
Only three girls actually
My best friends
I also realized that people are overrated
I don’t need or want to have a lot of friends anymore
The few people I have now are enough
I don’t need anyone else in my life
And no one needs me in theirs

Is it so bad that I don't like the same things that a lot of other people like?
Is it so bad that I've got the nerve to think for myself and be my own person?
Is it so bad that I actually have the gut to stand up for myself and the people that I care about when it's necessary?
Is it so bad that I don't want be like others?
I don't think so
I may be a fairly corrupted person, but I would never wish to be like most of the other people in this cruel world
Because then I'd never have true friends, and I could never BE a true friend
I could never tell a person that they could trust me without lying to them
And I'd never be able to find the trustworthy people that'll actually have my back
All I'd be able to find are the people who would use and betray me
So no
It isn't even close to a bad thing that I'm me
And I'll stay me

The sky is my witness
She sees all that I do
She hears all that I say
She watches as I stare into the endless blue of her eyes
The sky knows why I am sad
She clouds over and weeps with me today
She sets a grey outlook on the world around me
Perhaps trying to mirror my mood
She sighs, the wind brushing my tear stained cheeks
“You’ll be okay,” she whispers
“You’ll be alright, as will the person you are crying for”

They call me weird
Thinkin' that I'm some sensitive little girl that will break if I even think that I'm not excepted
Well guess what
I'm used to the names
I'm used to the accusations
I'm used to the insults
And I'm certainly used to grinning at these dull people, who can never think of anything new or original, and telling them that I don't care
I've heard it all
I've seen things that I almost wish I hadn't
But then again, in the world we live in now, at least I know what to expect from people
I'm used to the violence
I'm used to the depression
I'm used to feeling broken and dead inside
I'm used to betrayal
I'm used to plenty of things that a positive person probably wouldn't be
Can't change that now