Bella

Bella Apr 2019

Restless

Still yet still in motion.
I lay here ever questioning.
How we all came to be?
Why have we encountered certain tragedies?
Must I love all the things I see?
Are you and I supposed to be?
Is it all a dream?
I slowly forget that I’m spinning.
Laying here focused on my ceiling.
Dreaming about all the possibilities.
Every thought that seamlessly traces my mind is divine.
May we all be dreamers.
In the day.
In the night.
Wide awake.
Fast asleep.
There’s always a new dream.

Bella Apr 2019

Have you Ever Wished¿

A friend and I had a heart-to-heart over our connections with our parents. We both grew up in a broken home. With difficult experiences with our parents.

He at one point asked me, “Have you ever wished you could do it over and make it different”

When he raised that thought upon me, I hesitated. I had to think, would I even be able to change what happened? Did it really hurt me that much? Could my long lost father be here in my life? Do I like who I am? And then I answered them all one by one. No, I wouldn’t I couldn’t make mom and dad love each other. Yes it hurt me but, I am a strong because of it. Possibly, but quite frankly I wouldn’t want him here. And finally no, I love myself. I am who, I am for a reason. I am perfect in my own unique way.

I then responded, “ No, I’m grateful for the bad and the good I’ve been dealt in life. It’s made me a good person. A person who still smiles on my worst days because I find the good even if it’s the smallest bit. It makes the world a different place.”

“I have never thought about it that way. I think I should try that!?” He replied instantly.

”It’s not always easy” I advise, “but even when it’s hard you mustn’t quit trying! If you ever have a day that you feel like quitting, or when you're just too tired to try; maybe even a day you just need a friend. I am here.”

“Ok, thank you.” He responded dearly.

• • •
I never realized that something that I do to control my roller coaster of a mind could change a persons perspective. I also never thought I would come upon that conversation. That was positive in my treacherous day. His hurt that I then turned to hope made my heart scintillate. Always love the worst part of your days. You grasp something new each time you just have to look for what it’s teaching. May it be a new face, feeling or a new thought. Whatever it is. It is important.

Bella Mar 2019

Hush

You’re my ***** little secret. The one who always seems to grasp my heart. But everything is just a dream because no one else will ever see it.

Bella Mar 2019

Unexplainable love

The universe seems to enjoy when we’re together. We are drawn to each other in this unexplainable way. And the thoughts that run through my mind. The ones of “us”. They drive me absolutely crazy. It like a craving for you to love me. But in the end, you always seem to run. Those feeling have to mean nothing; you have to mean nothing, and that breaks my heart.

Bella Mar 2019

Life

Naked and vulnerable, I stand here with water cleansing my soul. I start to weep; slowly falling from my feet. Now I sit with trails down my cheeks and streams down my back begging myself to understand. Yet I don’t, I continue to ask myself what I’ve become. A lovesick fool, now getting ready for the masquerade ball. I slip on my casual dress. I mustn’t catch the eye of another whom I’ll oppress. Now my mask to hide the black beneath my eyes and the stains those trails have left behind.

Bella Mar 2019

Bodys in Orbit

I
Every beautiful beings mind is in orbit. Some stable and well managed, others are manic; and some are just broken standing still on its track. One may choose to fix themselves independently another may wait for rescue.
II
Carefully climb out on this thin line of sanity and begin to push that mind of yours. Break a sweat, lungs gasping, arms aching, heart racing; it’s really quite exhilarating. The moment of clarity and rejoice. Mind and body whole again. What a beauty to begin with.
III
Time passes by so slow but so fast. Days feel like years when really they are hours? Sitting in a content panic you search for another. One who will break a sweat for you, one who will allow their lungs to gasp for you, who will push with their already aching arms, blood pumping faster and faster through their fragile heart; all so you may be whole again. That is a journey you should experience yourself. Schemes have always been your way of life. Always leaving your ***** work to others. You are complete again. Right? So all is fine.
IV
Be wise with your decisions. Always have trust in yourself. Never should you rely on another exhaustively. It leads to a noxious cycle that is dreadful to escape. Be strong and bold on your lonesome so than when another comes along simply surround each other in strength.

Bella Mar 2019

Daydreamers <\3

We claim to have this everlasting bond, a friendship. But how can you expect so much of me? To play a silly girl in your unrealistic world. We have loved, made love even and you continue to hold up these boundaries. An I often catch myself daydreaming about how things could be different in a realistic world. You. Me. Deeply in love. But instead, we survive with the ****** frustration between us. Remember this was always your idea.