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Feb 16 · 664
Do i....
Desyrae Feb 16
And then all of the sudden
I catch myself smiling
And i think i know why
A short thing I wrote when i first met you
Feb 16 · 101
You
Desyrae Feb 16
You
I stopped writing
Because the only thing
I wrote about was you

You filled my mind.
You left blue paint
On my yellow walls
Left notes
All over my desk
Left tears
In my carpet
You left marks
On the Windows

In paintings were you
In mirrors too
In books
And words
And letters
Were you,
I saw you everywhere

I replayed your record
More times than i should've.
I replayed your record
But you seem to have played me
Instead

I stopped writing,
Because my reality became my words,
My words became my reality,
You molded my thoughts like playdoh
And shaped them into knives.
You split my heart in half

YOU! Split my heart in HALF!

You... Are no longer present
You... Is no longer present

She
Was the reason I stopped writing
She
Reeled me in and tossed me back
Like a fish
She

She

Is not the reason I've started to write again

He is
He brought me up when she kicked me down
Dec 2018 · 362
over
Desyrae Dec 2018
head over heels
for merely
a distraction
from my heart
Dec 2018 · 238
was
Desyrae Dec 2018
was
your honey brown eyes
something I was
in love with
Nov 2018 · 364
I
Desyrae Nov 2018
I
I love
His chocolate eyes
But it doesn't
Feel right
Nov 2018 · 139
why? 10w
Desyrae Nov 2018
why
can't i just love
the one
i'm supposed to?
Sep 2018 · 330
Finally Pt. 2 10W
Desyrae Sep 2018
Finally
I dont miss you anymore
Thank you so much
Sep 2018 · 375
Finally 10w
Desyrae Sep 2018
And I think finally
I might be getting over you
I'm finally getting over you...
Aug 2018 · 376
everyday 10w
Desyrae Aug 2018
everyday i will tell you
i never stopped loving you
Aug 2018 · 269
if i could travel back 10w
Desyrae Aug 2018
If I could travel back
I wouldn't break your heart
Desyrae Aug 2018
1
You poured your heart and soul out to her
She know secrets
Fears
Hopes
Dreams
Things you would never tell anyone
She knows you like the back of their hand
How to calm you down when you're upset at your parents
How to tell if you're sad
Or happy
Or hurting inside
So she must know how you're hurting inside
When you see her
When you hear her voice
When you feel her breathe
She must know how you're hurting

2
You realize
That nobody will ever look
As beautiful as she does
No one will rock mom jeans
Like her
Pull off button up prints
Like her
Tip her hat
Like her
Wear the same dusty shoes for years
Like her
Nobody
Will ever look as magical as she does
While *******
The beauty in her curves
The perfection in her uneven skin
The gorgeousness in her bruises
Scars
Stretch marks
Birthmarks
Pimples
A goddess
Of the imperfect beauty
That made her perfect

3
She doesn't look at anyone when she talks
She looks down
At her hands
Her feet
Whatever she's doing
She is the most interesting person
But so non engaging
But you love it
Because she didn't see you
She didn't see you look at her
How her lips changed shape to avoid her braces
How her eyes would light up when she was happy
How her eyes would darken when she was sad
Dimming the light
But not putting it out
How she didn't play with her hair
Or bat her eyelashes
Like other girls
How she instead turned away
To hide her obviously blushing face
How she didn't make eye contact
For fear of losing her self in your eyes
And not long after
You noticed yourself losing yourself
Entrapped in her web
Her web of love

4
You can't ever listen to the same songs
Must change your entire library
To not think of her
But still keep the music
In a separate playlist
Like and old closet
Filled with clothes you can't wear
But can't seem to throw away

5
11 am coffee on Saturdays
Soy mocha frapp with whip
Vanilla bean with caramel drizzle
Then watching netflix
Turns into
5 am coffee on Tuesdays
Black iced coffee
Then back to occupying your time
With more food
More black coffee
More pointless work
More loneliness

6
You can't go to sleep anymore
Insomnia
Itching
Hives
An empty spot next to you
You keep filling with stuff
An empty heart
You keep filling with sleeping pills
The smell her body wash
Is no longer stuck in the clothes you kept
Just the stench
Of your body
Gone days without showering
Because you can't stand the sight
Of her leave-in conditioner
Not being in your shower

7
You broke her
Told her she wasn't what you wanted
Because you believed it
Told her she wasn't your type
Because you believed it
Told her you couldn't be with her
Because you believed it
But now
Now
You see
That what you believed
Wasn't what you felt
See you can't look at your family
Without remembering
How much they hated her
You can't look at your friends
Without remembering
How they talked you away from her
You can't look at yourself
Without remembering
What you did to her
How could you do that
How could you do that?
How could you?
How!?

8
You will try to love another
Burry your memories in a closet
Lock it up
Throw away your feelings
Tie up the bag
Put your love in a box
Pack it up
You will try to love another
Give them the love that she deserved
The attention that she needed
The happiness that she craved
You will put your happiness aside
Trying to make everyone happy
Under the illusion
That you were making yourself happy
But then you'll see her one day
Sitting at a table
Eating lunch with her friends
And you'll go home
Unlock that closet
Untie that bag
Unpack that box
You will cry yourself to sleep that night
In the morning
Tell yourself it's okay
Then cry yourself to sleep the next night
The next few days
Then weeks
Then months
And suddenly
It will come to you
You will realize
That you can never truly stop loving her
You can never find true happiness
That she was your happiness
You will finally realize
That she is over you by now
That she is happy now
Without you

And you will never stop loving her
But she stopped loving you a lot time ago
She stopped loving you
Jul 2018 · 289
her name
Desyrae Jul 2018
I told her
That she wasn't enough
If you tell a pretty kitty
That she is ****
It will start to think
That that's her name
Her name
Was in fact
Beauty
Love
Grace
Loyalty
Thoughtfulness
PERFECT
Her name was
A mix of all of these words
Named after the water
That falls from the sky
When clouds roll in
Depressing
When thunder and lightning
Strike the ground beneath you
Scary
But spelled differently
So she wasn't
Depressing
Or scary
She was the beauty
In the rain
The drops on glass windows
The sparkles in curled hair
The puddles in the streets
The colorful umbrellas
Rainboots too big for your feet
She was kisses
In the middle of the street
She was sharing an umbrella
She was the start of new love
She was love
She is Love

But does she know that?
Jul 2018 · 204
acid
Desyrae Jul 2018
I am childish
And foolish
To think that if I
Kept bringing her darkness
She wouldn't shy away
And turn towards anything
Anything that was brighter
I was foolish
To believe
That I could ever be
The water she needed
To grow and live
When I
Was the acid
Burning through her roots
Jul 2018 · 233
i break my heart
Desyrae Jul 2018
I break my heart
So I don't break hers
A year of torture for her
And I was the cause

I break my heart into pieces
Trying to love another
The way I loved her
Attempting to give them
What she deserves more than anything
What she deserves more than I do
I don't deserve
A true love
If all I've done
Is hurt the woman
The woman I want to spend my life with

I break my heart
To keep hers beating

— The End —