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Jan 1 · 112
Untitled
Ijla Jan 1
I built my walls
Too high
Thought i was
Protecting myself
And now
I dont know how to
Let people in
So I end up pushing the very people
That actually give a ****
Jokes on me.....
Dec 2018 · 353
The art of pretending
Ijla Dec 2018
A smile sculpted on my face
A fake twinkle in my eyes
Strings of words
spilling endlessly
Followed by bursts of laughter
so sweet
A perfect facade
For my daily life
One, even the people I love
Fail to see beyond
There's no one to blame but me.
Nov 2018 · 122
A hope for you
Ijla Nov 2018
I hope someday
when you look back,
instead of regretting
the things you've left behind,
you'll be able to see
just how far you've come.
- Acknowledge your growth -
Oct 2018 · 208
Untitled
Ijla Oct 2018
When you said the word "Love",
What I saw was a loaded gun.
You holding the trigger
and I, looking down it's barrel.
Standing at this very spot again
my demons were screaming.
"Runaway" they said.
"Save yourself from yet another wound."
It was instilled in my mind
that love, brings pain and suffering.
That love.. was a matter of
Until when.
Until when would you love me?
How long till you would shoot me down,
and leave me bleeding,
Suffering from the after effects.
Just like every other person
who brought up the word "love".
So as the days passed
I waited,
I waited for the moment
that you'd pull the trigger.
But you never did.
Fearing the repetition of history,
I hadn't realised
that the gun I was petrified by
was no longer in your hands.
But forgotten
on the ground.
This was something
I never anticipated.
Something
I had only dreamt of.
It was hard to believe
'Cause dreams never came true
But unlike everyone
Before you
In your arms
Happiness finally chose me.
When you meet the one.. it wouldn't be like any other. You'd let your guards down no matter how much you've suffered in the past. 'Cause that's just what love is.
Ijla Oct 2018
Love is a bit like driving
You spend all your time
learning the theory
Practicing over and over again
But when you get behind the wheel
You can't help but freeze up
'Cause you already know
that you can't be ready
Not for every single scenario
that'll come your way
You might just find yourself
losing control
Hitting an obstacle
so suddenly
it sends you
crashing through the windshield
on to the open road
Pieces of glass
cutting into you
Blood seeping through your clothes
onto the heated ground
A ringing in your ears,
pain so intense
You'd wish for it to end
without a hope for survival.
But maybe you'll drive just fine.
Get to your destination with ease.
Drive past woods and waterfalls
and all places beautiful.
Listen to birds chirping,
the rustle of leaves.
And if you are lucky
Maybe you'd get a glimpse of
rare lenticular clouds
over coloured mountains.
Or fire rainbows
over dozens of frost flowers.
And that's why
we love anyway.
After all, love is just another leap of faith.
Aug 2018 · 152
Tell me
Ijla Aug 2018
Someone once told me
That sometimes
You just have to
Not give a **** about things
But what do you do
When that "sometimes" becomes "always"
How do you live with it?
How do you remain strong regardless
There's a limit to what I can endure. So I'm sorry but I think I'm done being the nice one. So don't come knocking on my door if you don't open your door when I knock on it.
Aug 2018 · 354
True loneliness
Ijla Aug 2018
That moment
When you stand alone
In a room full of people
You call "friends"
That's when you realize
What true loneliness is
Thank you for making me realize that I'll never belong anywhere. I owe you one.
Aug 2018 · 255
Understand
Ijla Aug 2018
The world's closing on me fast
Like a racing car hell bent on winning
The stress surrounds me completely
As if smoag over a developing city
Suffocating me
Pushing me closer to the edge
As I look down
I see nothing
Just an eternal fall
Ground out of sight
Tempting as it might sound
I knew better
So I approached
Another I thought could help
"Try not to overthink"
"Better even, try not to think at all"
Their words ring in my ears
As if like the sound of a billion dying cats
They keep telling me to be normal
Just to be myself
Just to calm down
Chill without worries
Be cool
Just like them
I guess they fail to realize
That being me meant being crazy
All the things they ask from me
Atr things beyond my control
I don't ask to overthink
I don't ask to feel depressed
Pressurized
Or even stressed
I wish they would just understand
If not give me space
To heal and grow as a person
On my own pace
Without their expectations
Listen to understand not to reply. Cause most of the time we just need a listening ear. Not a replying tongue.
Aug 2018 · 358
愛 Ai
Ijla Aug 2018
No words spoken
He sat beside her
Telling her that finally,
He was here
And that she'd never
Have to be alone
That he would be there
By her side
Through thick and thin
In the world so cruel
The words meant little
Cause that's all she'd heard
And every other time
The words remained words
Never shown in action
So she took no heed
And sat on her own
But he was patient
not like the otherd
His feelings sincere
His words backed by action
Eventually she realised that
And let him in
A ray of sunshine
That sent away the darkness
And in the most unexpected times, you'll find the best of people. Maybe even your soulmate. Don't lose hope.
Aug 2018 · 179
Realization
Ijla Aug 2018
That moment
When you realize
That they love you as deeply
As you love them
So you got to keep them
At a distance
So you wouldn't hurt them
Like you've hurt countless others before
Cause whether
you admit it or not
You're just a storm waiting
To be unleashed
A means of destruction
A doorway to chaos
I don't have anything to say.
Aug 2018 · 8.6k
Happiness
Ijla Aug 2018
Every night, when I go to bed
I used to hold my pillow so tightly
But no matter how much I hold it
It will never hold me back
I'm not insane to think like that
It's not the pillow that I'm holding
But you
Hoping that one night you'll be there
beside me
and I'll hold you like I never want to leave you
I do feel lonely
Most of the time
Even when I'm around people
I feel left out
Ignored
I feel like I'm a burden
But with you
How can I tell you
You always make me feel special
I feel valued
Most importantly
I feel Happy
That's why honey,
I call you my happiness
Hello. It's been Some time since I posted. Going through a major writers block.This poem is written by someone who means a lot to me.. He usually doesn't write English poems but he wrote this for me just recently. He taught me to expect the unexpected, him being the best example


Seems like a lot can change over the span of just a few months........
Jun 2018 · 121
Wandering thoughts
Ijla Jun 2018
I wonder if your mind still wanders
To the times spent together
During a winter long gone
And a spring that just passed.
Jun 2018 · 285
Standards
Ijla Jun 2018
wolf whistles, cat calls
She hears them everyday
On the roads she takes
And even at school
Everytime she walks by
You tell her she is beautiful
But me,
Im invisible
Cause by society's standard
Im not beautiful
By society
I mean people like you
You think you are degrading me
But to me its a relief
A sign which tells me
That im different
At least Ill know that people like me for me
Not just my looks
Cause god knows people dont befriend another
Unless they are either pretty famous or rich
Its sadly the condition of the world we live in
A world full of selfish people
Now, you might also think by doing that
You make me feel ****
Self concious
Foreign in my own body
You cant be anymore wrong
I know Im beautiful
Real beauty is a kind heart
Not just flawless skin
Real beauty is inside us
Its magical and special
Unique for each person
In their own way
So dont go around
Throwing aound such a
Wrong concept of what beauty is
Cause in the end
Its the inner beauty
That would matter to the person
With a mind open to the world
And a heart beating in rhythm
For a long awaited love
Jun 2018 · 368
Dreaming about him
Ijla Jun 2018
I saw him in my dreams last night
Just me and him
All alone on a cliff
Isolated from the world
I could hear the birds singing
Rustling of leaves in the wind
But all that mattered was him
Standing right infront of me
It was the peak of sunrise
Horizon lit up with warm colours
The golden rays of sunlight
Piercing through his charcoal black hair
Making it glow
Like repunzels when she sang the song
But he wasn't singing a song
Just standing there in full glory
I slowly reached my hand
To caress his cheek, to feel his touch
And it was like time slowed down
Regardless of me being desperate
I could only move in slow motion
As if I was under water
I just wanted to feel him one last time
I kept whispering to myself
But then he turned his back to me
And started to walk away
Not a word spoken
But I knew it was a good bye
Suddenly he stopped
Only to give a small gesture
As if telling me it's okay
To just let go
So I stood there
Watching him fade away
Cause I realized that
I didn't even deserve to have him in my dreams.
Let alone in reality
No matter how I craved for him
Why does destiny lead to two people meeting and falling in love when it surely knows that they can't be together!
May 2018 · 311
Untitled
Ijla May 2018
Sometimes
I question myself
Are the memories that haunt me real
Or just fabrications
Made by my mind
For the purpose of victimisation
Is my suffering
My own creation
Is this all real
Or am I just faking it.
Am I even real?
May 2018 · 144
Untitled
Ijla May 2018
What do you do?
When even poetry
Doesn't relieve
The pain you feel
What do you do?
When you lose
The smallest
Will you needed to live
Would you finally give up
Accepting death as an old friend
So that you'd be forsaken
From the pain consuming you
Or would you hold on to your life
Despite the suffering of your soul
Hoping to find solace
Within a life so pathetic
I just can't go on anymore. ........ but I have so manymore poems to share. So many experiences to have.. dreams to live... but I just can't. ... I'm so sorry
May 2018 · 331
My smile
Ijla May 2018
I remember
When you told me
That you loved
The way I smiled
That my smile lightened up your world
Even when it was shrouded in darkness
So I wonder if my smile
Still lingers in your mind
Even after we parted
Going our separate ways
Or is it fading away
As if on a worn out photograph
Lying in the dirt
Under the strong sun
So everytime I smile, I'm reminded of you. Maybe that's why I don't smile as much.
May 2018 · 289
Missing him
Ijla May 2018
It still feels like yesterday
When I was in your embrace
Warmth enveloping me
Like a blanket on an ice cold night
Your fingers under my chin
Tilting my face up
As you gazed in to my eyes
Never getting bored
Once in a while
You stole a kiss
As we stood under the sky
For god knows how long
But in reality
It was only a few minutes
Oh how I wish I had stayed longer
And made more memories with you
Cause now that I don't see you
Or even talk to you
The memories I have of you
Aren't enough at all
Cause even though my feelings grow stronger
The memories seem to be fading away
Your smile
Your musk
The way you talk
The way you walk
The way you made me feel about myself
The way you make me laugh
Its all gone
Blown away in the wind
Further than the furthest star
In to a place unknown
I wish I had known that I had to let you go. Cause now I miss you to the point where it's unbearable.
May 2018 · 110
Untitled
Ijla May 2018
Wonder which is worse
Loving someone deeply
But watching them fall out of love with you
Or watching someone love you deeply
But not be able to feel the same way
I ask myself eveyday. Why can't I fall for someone who's available and loves me back.....
Apr 2018 · 329
Friendship
Ijla Apr 2018
Another text
Out of the blue
Marking the end
Of a friendship cherished
Tears held back
To prove ones strength
Only to pour down like rain
Along with the shards of
a broken heart
And a shattered pride
Isn't it sad when someone just leaves you suddenly. no reason no explanation. People always talk about breaking ups and it's pain... they never really talk about losing a friendship.
Apr 2018 · 185
Hibernation
Ijla Apr 2018
How many times
I opened up your chat.
Only to close it again.
After a pause,
That felt like eternity
but lasted a few seconds.
Though no words came.
I tried to write.
I want to say but I couldnt.
Its felt like my brain's gone into hibernation
Just like all those animals
Gone into hiding
Before winter hits hard.
Right after the coldest
Autumns ever to have been seen.
I miss you but I know that you don't care.
Ps.. wanted to tell you that my updates might be slow. But I'll try my best to update as soon as possible. Hope you enjoy my poems
Apr 2018 · 283
Untitled
Ijla Apr 2018
5 30
I ****** awake
To the sound of my alarm
Only to shut it
And close my eyes again
8 00
Another alarm goes off
Letting me know that its time
But I dont want to get up
Or maybe I dont have the will to
So I lie with my eyes closed
Until I drift back into a restless sleep
.......
I wake up again
To the sound of her voice
Calling me to get up
Cux its getting too late
I throw a glance to the clock
Its already half past 11
But I dont understand
Cux It only felt like minutes
12 10
Still lying on me bed
Like a lifeless corpse
I know I should get up
And go through the day
Get my **** together
Cux I got so much to do
So I gather some courage
And try to get up
But then my mind whispers
Lie down
My mind whispers
There is no point in getting up
It tells me, that its still going to be
The dreary days I've come to dread
It tells me that no matter how hard I try
I'm always going to be a disappointment
A shame to the people I care about
And a shame to myself
So I give in
No point in trying huh
12 20
Only 10 minutes passed
But to me,
It felt like an eternity
Drowning in the same waters
Again and again
Until im too tired
To even fight it
12 30
My last alarm goes off
And I know that its now or ever
Either I force myself off the bed
Or lie on it the whole day
Its tempting to just hide away
Under the cozy covers of my bed
But I know otherwise
I know that doing that wouldnt get me anywhere
So those in mind
Giving me courage
I slowly get off my bed
And put on a fake smile
Ready to go through the day
With the alias I made
Over my broken self
Cause if life taught me anything
Its that the sun rises anyway
Dragging you along
Even if you are unwilling
And that time goes on
It doesnt wait for anyone
Not for me, you or anyone else
Not even the spirits that roam around
Cause at the end of the day.. it's just me for myself.
Ps .. couldn't choose a name Feel free to suggest names.
Apr 2018 · 258
I'm sorry
Ijla Apr 2018
So many things I want to say
But words cease to form
Its like my tongue gets tied
From what I did
I should've been there
When you needed me most
But I couldnt be
And there is no one to blame but me
I wish I had tried harder
And pushed myself further
To ease even a bit
Of the pain that hit
Action speaks louder
Than the words spoken
So I know words cannot justify
A good enough reason
But please forgive me
And dont push me away
Let me show that I care
With my actions in the future
Sorry that I've been MIA for a while now. Life just got in the way. Things haven't been exactly okay but I finally got myself to post again. Never stopped writing though. Hope you like this one.
Apr 2018 · 290
Whispers
Ijla Apr 2018
Why is it like that
Why do I hesitate
Why am I scared of letting anyone in
To see me at my weakest
And help me get through
My life that's messed up
Why do I build walls so high
Confining the darkness inside
Whilst blocking any Ray of light
Trying to pierce through
Why have I crafted
A mask for my face
To hide my emotions
From the outside world
Why, I whispered into an empty void
And it whispered back
"Maybe cause you don't know
Whether they are meant to
stay or leave
Whether they will
Make you or break you
People have a way of
Pursuing you like you are gold
And when you let them in
They throw you away
As if you were just gold plated"
In that moment
It made the most sense
Hence why, I decided
To keep my mask on
And build my walls to the sky
So to anyone trying to get through to me
I am sorry
If you are going to leave me hanging, just stay away.
Ps. I wrote this just now. This is basically the story of my life. People tend to pursue you until you agree. And when you agree they don't  put any effort at all... as if you were just a reward they got for completing a level in a video game. As if you were merely a possession they dreamt of acquiring.
Apr 2018 · 288
Insomnia
Ijla Apr 2018
00 00
The world is silent..
And though my eyes remain closed,
I lie awake.
Listening to the sound of each passing second.
Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Memories of a distant time
Replaying in my mind like a broken record.
Twisting and turning,
Hoping for something
Thats become too rare.
A peaceful sleep, a rest for my soul
But one can only hope
For something as out of reach as this
Sleep isn't just a rest for the body but for the soul as well.
Ps.. wrote this one at the end of last year. I've had sleeping problems since two years before . But it's never been this bad.
Apr 2018 · 303
Unforgettable memories
Ijla Apr 2018
Does his thoughts still plague your mind?
Her voice was a mere whisper.
Barely audible to human ears
but echoing in the dark confines of my room.
'Not really' I replied back .
Just softly enough for her to hear.
Surely a small white lie
Wouldn't create a problem, right?
Because how can I tell her,
He is all I think about subconciously.
She, who is always there for me
Helping me move on
How can I tell her that the hours of hard work
went down the drain, in the blink of an eye.
How could I tell her that
His memories are burned into my mind.
His brown eyes,
deep enough for me to drown in.
His lopsided smirk
And his huge ego.
His warm hugs,
That always made me feel protected.
His rough hands, cupping my face
Feeling my cold skin
As he leans into kiss me
His full lips, moving over mine.
So softly and so pleasurably
That it has me spiralling
Into an eternal bliss.
So in my mind,
I apologise to her.
For being this way.
for not being able to forget
The one love, that left me
Broken like a fallen angel without wings.
I still find myself thinking about him.Not just at midnight but also during noon, when I am busy with work or just enjoying with friends.
Apr 2018 · 573
A mask
Ijla Apr 2018
How do I tell you
That I feel like dying
How do I tell you
That I'm lost in a maze
A tunnel without a light
Closing on me fast
How do I tell you
That me, little miss perfect
Am drowning in sorrow
Getting consumed by the pain
Inflicted by those thoughts
Swirling in my mind
I know it'll be hard
To believe that me
Me, whose always there
For anyone in need
As if I didnt have
My own problems
Me, who you think
Had everything figured
Living a life filled
With luxury and ease
Me, the person you envied
Is on the point of giving up
But little did you know
That all I showed
Was a facade
An alias I made
How could I have known
That the very thing
I made to protect myself
Would end up being the one
I longed to be saved from
Sometimes hiding away on your own can be toxic to you. It could  very well be the reason you don't  get back home for dinner. so try to share as much as you can. with atleast  that one person. But then again I wish they would also remember  that we are all just humans. Strong people have there breaking  points too.
Apr 2018 · 175
Ask
Ijla Apr 2018
Ask
People wonder why
I'm so closed up
In my own world
Away from everyone else
Little do they know
I'm just an open book
If they would just
Bother to ask
I know a lot of people can relate to this in this world full of ignorant humans.
Mar 2018 · 318
Midnight thoughts
Ijla Mar 2018
I wanted to curse the sky
For what I was going through
I wanted to blame the world
For who I've become
I needed to shout and scream
Until I lost my voice
Cry a river in which I could drown
To escape this pain that I felt
But I held back thinking about
the people around me
How they would hurt
To see me in such a state
And thats how I held on
To a life I gave up on
poems are my way of dealing with my messed up emotions. i wrote this one when i was going through a really rough patch. At some point  everyone can relate to this. I still do from time to time.
Mar 2018 · 3.0k
Ray of light
Ijla Mar 2018
Surrounded by darkness
I was all alone
Feeding on my fears
The demons roamed free
Minutes felt like hours
Or time stopped altogether
Consumed by my mind
I gave up on my life
Said my Silent goodbyes
and stood right on the edge
Though I wished someone would notice
And help me get through
But none came forward
So I finally let go
That's when light pierced through
In the form of a new friend
Saving me from the endless torture
And the decision that I would regret
You walked me through the pain
And helped me dance through the rain
So in the dead of the night
I'm writing this for you
To remind you of
What you mean to me in life
Because bestie you are
A ray of light in the darkness I sit in
I wrote this for my bestfriend. she came into my life when i had given up on ever being okay. she showed me that I mattered and that I was more than the hurdles I was facing. she taught me that I'm stronger than both depression and anxiety. She continiously reminds me that there is so many awesome things awaiting me in the future.
ps.. she is the one who pushed me to write and share poetry. For that I'll forever be thankful to her.
Mar 2018 · 208
Horizon
Ijla Mar 2018
Travelling across
The vast blue ocean
Feeling the wind on you
Trying to blow you away
Nothing to be seen
Except the faint line
Where the sky dips into the sea
And the few islands
Scattered across it
i wrote this whilst i was travelling back home by boat.
Mar 2018 · 268
Us
Ijla Mar 2018
Us
You were a distant star
And me, the earth
Despite being light years apart
We fell into the abyss of love
Hindrance by thought
We lost ourselves in one another
We thought our love could save us all
We believed it was finally our time
But Little did we know that our love
Would only be disastrous
Bringing chaos and destruction
To the people we cherish
Because, how can the earth survive
When it meets a star
This  my very first poem. As you can understand  from the title and the poem, it's about two people who fell in love, but couldn't  be together due unavoidable to circumstances. Hope you like it. please comment and let me know how I can improve.

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