I've reached the end
my brain can't think of words again
I've lost my connection with my pen
But these demons are still inside my head
And won't disappear as I count down from ten
I'm lost, afraid.. And every now and then
I contemplate... to get relief
By cutting up my veins

Drinking won't take away my pain
And the sun won't dry away the rain
But the thunder keeps calling out my name
Its roaring, screaming in my brain
It's driving me insane
Repeating it over and again
I'm looking at this mirror
With no idea who I am

I'm trying to collect all the fragments that remain
Of who I used to be, before the demons made
my brain into their domain
And I might be crazier than them
Because every day I feign
A smile so that no one can complain
That I'm the kid that is broken and alone
With no one but myself to blame

Take this knife away from me
Because Cutting doesn't help me anymore
Take my pills and ***** as well
That I keep stored up in my drawer
I've tried living in a daze
But my wounds are feeling sore
My head is spinning round and round
I'm still as lost as I was before
My life is going nowhere fast
And I just can't take it anymore
I wish that I could rest in peace
But all I know is war

I am broken, I am scared
Surrounded by people and still alone
My heart is calloused, barely beating
Chills run deep within my bones
I'e been angry and gone screaming
But no one seems to hear me moan
I am crying, slowly dying
Everyone's been fooled by a smile
I have shown

Sometimes I miss our past... All the phone calls and Kisses...
I miss the late nights and secrets... All the hopes and good wishes...
But recently I stopped caring and I'm not sure what to do...
Because life goes on without those things... Without love ...Without You.

But it feels numb... it feels like living without meaning
Give me all those moments back when you turned my
heartbeat into screaming
Erupt all of my senses with just the slightest touch of skin
Give me what you give him, tell me it's alright for us to sin
Lie to me...tell me he's not the reason for your smile
That your being with him is just a test for me
That you've put me through a trial

Because...
Life goes on
But I can't go on...without you

There's a million different ways for me to tell you how I feel
But I always seem to choose the worst way
I've been trying to build up the courage to tell you I still I love you
But I can't seem to find the words to say...
And imagining his hand caressing up and down your skin
Is making all my sunny days turn gray
Your smile still gives me strength ..maybe enough to find the will
And tell you what I need for you to turn my way

Then again... This... Might just be a phase...
A fluke. A lemon. An emotional wave...
These bipolar feelings are driving me mad...
I love you... I miss you... I want you so bad...

Eventually, though, my thoughts of you... will wither away...
You'll find another person to brighten your days.
What's left to say? I've pushed you away...
And what's more my insensitivity, by you, has been repaid....
I know deep in my heart I'll always miss Us...hate that I withdrew...
But to free myself from this misery... I must remember... Life goes on without You.

Black smoke Rises
sticking to the walls
inside my lungs
Coughing back my tears
As the ash attacks my throat
and spreads across my tongue
The cinders crackle
flaring up to light the sky
devoid of sun
As I toss inside, one by one;
the letters that you wrote to me
when we were young

But we're growing old
and as these fires flare up
to fight the cold;
As they burn up
the words these letters hold,
I find nothing can erase
the lies you told.
Because every promise
that you sold
still hides in every line,
In every fold,
In every letter inked in gold

And ss the wind picks up
and brings the rain
And your letters burn
till ash remains
It hurts me just
To say your name
But I know my pain
can be contained
And that peace can
Be obtained...

From the ashes
I'll be born again

If I close my eyes all I ever see is you
Drown the world in black and deprive the sky of blue
Deep down I always sort of knew

My heart will dance despite its bruise
All I have to do is let you in
If I close my eyes all I ever see is you
And just take all of the abuse
Kiss me, hold me then throw me after I've been used
Deep down I always sort of knew

Close your eyes and tell me who you see
Say my name regardless if it's me
If I close my eyes all I ever see is you
A shame that you could never love me too
If love gives you wings then it's no surprise I never flew
Deep down I always sort of knew

The days of bliss have become few
How could I ever move on to someone new
If I closed my eyes all I ever saw was you
Deep down I always sort of knew

I don't think that I could taste another's lips
without comparing them to yours
Inhale their breath into my lungs
Breathe their scent in through my pores

I don't think that I could touch their skin
Or run my fingers through their hair
Can't get lost within their gaze
With your presence always there

And I can still hear your voice
Fingers still feel your skin within their tips
You dared say you loved me
with his spit smeared on your lips

How could you say I was the only one
After everything you've done
I'm surprised the words rolled out
while his taste held down your tongue

And so If I
Hold you up against the wall
And press my lips against your neck
To try and feel your heartbeat resonating
Through your arteries
To see if your pulse is constant or a wreck
Would you move to push me off you
Or would you move closer towards my lips
Would it be wrong if we indulged in this
Even though for now you're his

And if I
Bit down on your lips
Pressed my tongue inside your cheek
Would it make you hate me
Would it make you weak
Could I take your breath away
Make it hard for you to speak
Give you all of my attention
Pretend that you're unique

If I
Slide my hand above your knee
And pull you closer by your thigh
Will you drop the innocent look
Stop acting like you're shy
Or will you continue to pretend
Say that I'm nothing but a friend
Act like this will be the last time
When you don't intend to let this end

If only she knew
That I sit alone at night
Drinking by myself
Thinking about her
Wishing she was mine

If only she knew
That I'll never be alright
Going through this hell
Till my eyes begin to blur
And I only see her in my mind

If only she knew

That the hardest part of my day
Is when I think about her lips
Sliding through his skin
As he moves in for the kiss
Think about his hand
starting to caress her cheeks
They both gasp for air
though no one speaks
And her eyes can't seem to look away from his

If only she knew

That that's the hardest part
Knowing that she's his
Knowing that her gorgeous lips
are only his to kiss
And that her beautiful eyes
Are looking right through me
Knowing that I'm nothing to her
And that I'll never be

If only she knew

That she leaves me Paralyzed
When she looks me with her eyes
It feels so cold
Yet I feel so alive
If only she would realize
That without her my heart cries
It's hard to beat, though it still tries
If only she knew
The pain of getting lost within her eyes

I'm not ok
Is that the first step I should take
Should I admit to my mistakes
Should I reach for another bottle
Cry about how much this aches
I'm not ok
But it's never going to end
Maybe all I needed was a friend
But now I'm holding to this blade
Tempted to cut again
Because every time I look into the mirror
I just want to ******* scream
I swear to God that I still hear them
And they keeps whispering to me
How my death is drawing near
I'm not as happy as I seem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I only use you when I'm lonely
Wrap your arms around my neck
And start kissing me slowly
It's ******* crazy
I only think about it lately
My death
And I don't think someone exists
Out there that can still save me
I am sick
I admit that I'm not ok
An atheist that drops to his knees
Sometimes to pray
And I scream until there's nothing left
To say
Cry into my hands until my lips start turning grey
But every time I lay to go to sleep
I keep getting haunted in my dreams
Gasping and I'm sweating
Trapped inside the devil's schemes
"You're worthless, you should die"
Tearing down my self-esteem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I always act so coldly
I'll smile to your face
But know that I am phony
And yes I'm crazy
I think about it
Much more lately
My death
And I don't want someone to
Save me

You're so beautiful
When your cheeks are blushing red
When you look directly in my eyes
With an expression that can't be read
And look where all of this has led
You're lying in my bed, just like I always
pictured in my head.
Your body shivers with excitement
Though your tears are screaming "dread"
Maybe its the breeze you feel, the
windy chill, from hiding in this shed
Or is your body breaking down
It's been three whole days since you've been fed
I had to punish you somehow
The other day you almost fled
now I feel misled, you turn down my love
And run instead
You cry all night, you wont eat bread
You shout and fight and hit your head
against the frame of this old bed.
if only you listened to
Every word I said
There'd be less pain
It's better now if this goes my way
So just play dead

Why am I here again
Same situation that I've always been
There's no escape for me
Always tempted to fall back and sin

And it feels as if
The devil has a hold of me
Feels like his grip is at my throat
And nothing's going to set me free

And I find myself
Talking to this mirror again
Its reflection looks so brittle
Like it's going to break from all the pain

And I'll... Whisper its name
So only it can hear me
I'll lie to it again
because I know it'll believe me

I'll try to smile
And say everything's okay
Keep looking at that mirror
Pretend I'm better off than yesterday

And maybe I am
Soon I will believe it
One day I will leave it all behind
Rip this sorrow off and then just leave it


But for now, all I can do
Is keep talking to this mirror
Even though I hate myself
And just hope the current me
Would Disappear

I’ll still talk to it in whispers
So only I can hear me
Begging the devil to let go of me
And wondering
Why God just won't come near me

It should come to no surprise
That I'm feeling lost again
I stay awake all night
Trying to drink away my pain
I'm trying to drown all of the voices
From the demons in my brain
But nothing's quite as haunting
As you  whispering my name
I will fail...I know....that I'll feel pain again
If you came back into my life
It's only to make me suffer till the end

Why do I let you keep doing this to me
You're still a ghost haunting, never sets me free
Whenever you appear you only come to hurt
Drop me to one knee just to drag me through the dirt
Why do I let you make me hate myself
I'm begging you..don't let this heart become my hell
Why do I let you come just to do your harm
Might as well grab this knife and start slashing at my arm
Why the hell am I addicted to this pain
Why  do butterflies still fly with the sound of just your name
Tell me why I'll forever be in love
Tell me...god... why that'll never be Enough

It should come to no surprise
That I'm feeling lost again
I stay awake all night
Trying to drink away my pain
I'm trying to drown your voice
That dances circles in my brain
Keep trying to bite my tongue
To keep from shouting out your name
I will fail...I know that I'm all yours again
All my bones are aching
Wrapped around your finger till the end
And there's no point in hoping
I know you see this as a game
But even if you don't love me
Please continue to Pretend

I felt the rhythm of your heart
Calmly beating in your chest
As my lips slid across your ribs
Searching for a place to rest
I could feel it in the tips
Of my fingers
As they caressed below your lips
Every tremble slowly pulsing
resonating from in-between your hips

I felt the rhythm of your heart
quickly begin to raise its pace
As your legs pinned me to your body
and you held me in your embrace
I could taste it in your sweat
As it lightly glazed your skin
My breath landing on your neck
Bringing a tremble to your chin

I felt the rhythm of your heart
Start to resonate with mine
Felt it in your palms
as our fingers became entwined
They tangled up so perfectly
As if fit together by design
Shivers slowly crawling
Going up and down our spine

I felt the rhythm of my heart
And it finally felt whole
Your warmth mended all the fractures
And filled every single hole
I felt the rhythm of my heart
And I finally felt peace
Your love felt like the glue
Fixing every broken piece
I felt the rhythm of your heart
And knew  this was more than fun
I felt the rhythm of my heart
and I knew that I found one

Heart, please tell me why.
I'm still waiting..by my phone
Waiting for a message that'll never come
Sitting here alone
Just watching the time run

Do you remember how we used to be?
I wonder If like me, she's feeling lonely
This depression doesn't want to set me free
Heart, I'm begging you to cure me

Because time doesn't seem to numb the pain
The heartache when I hear her name
These tears don't seem to stop the flame
I'm begging you to set me free

Oh heart, you turned out to be a traitor
Let her go so we can save her
Knowing we'd regret it later
But her happiness was not with me

The past is where my mind now dwells
As I suffer here all by myself
Knowing her kiss now belongs to someone else
And now she'll never smile for me

Oh heart, please let her go
She won’t come back, we both know
And no matter how much we wish it wasn't so
Only she can set me free

I had a relapse
Last night I stayed awake
Staring at the ceiling
Seconds felt like hours
Half consciousness
was messing with my feelings
As hours did pass, all I saw
Were the shadows mimicking your features
A war broke out inside my heart
I was fighting my own creatures
I had a relapse
Just when I gathered enough strength
To stop thinking about you
Thinking of your eyes, so cold...so blue
Imagining your voice screeching out my name
Pulling at my hair knowing it's all inside my brain
I had a relapse
When I finally resolved myself to hate you so
To hate your eyes and hate your voice
The hours bled out and And all I felt
Was your absence made a hole inside my soul
And how I feared that I'd never once again
be fully whole.
I had a relapse.
I love you, and I always will
I love your eyes, your smile and voice
Your laugh still gives me chills
And I'm afraid that I cant run away
No matter where..I'll hear your name
And tomorrow I'll relapse again
And while I stay awake
Nothing will take away the ache
I'll spend every second wondering
if you knew
That I'd spend every night
For the Rest of my life
Still thinking about you

I need to scream
But can't seem to get these words out
It's hard to breathe
And I can't seem to shake this doubt
I'm feeling weak
My pain still lives within this pencil
Hard to speak
But I hope I can Repent still

It's hard to see
Heavy rain's falling from the clouds
It's hard to hear
With this thunder shouting loud
A scattered Breeze
Keeps hitting like a Knock
A steady Beat
Like ticking from the Clock

A torn up sheet
Still haunts me by the lamp
An Awful read
With its envelope and stamp
Hard to believe
The contents of your letter
Our mother's gone
When just last week you said that she felt better

How can it be
A complication with her heart
Wish it was me
This is tearing me apart
A horrid dream
I'm swallowed up by fear
Mamma don't go
Because I still need you here

I can feel the end
There's no more that I can take
Nothing left of me to break;
Nothing more that you can say
To make me feel like a mistake
No reason  to lay awake
Hoping none of this was fake
No more wondering
if there's more to love
Than just drowning in the ache

This is all that we have Left
Another topic to discuss
Another million different ways
For you to say
you don't believe in Us
So just walk away
I promise not to make a fuss
We've reached the point
Where love turns to disgust
From all of the distrust

But there's more to love
Than just to hurt
Much more to love
than just to flirt
Or let someone go up
your skirt
Let someone in
not being alert
To let your heart
drag through the dirt
There's more to love
than just to hurt
There's more to love
than just to hurt

There's more to love...

She looked into my eyes
Until I finally caved in
Her nose against my nose
her lips curled into a grin
Every breath that she exhaled
slowly crashed against my chin
my lips slowly inching forward
until they landed on her skin

Her face on to my face
and our lips so tightly pressed
One hand playing with her hair
the other firmly on her breast
her nails carved into my shoulder
other hand pulling from my chest
Caught up in the moment
we both started to undress

She knew just how to tease me
knew just how to flirt
She bit my bottom lip
just enough to make it hurt
Kissed me down my neck
and opened up my shirt
I was moving down her hips
slowly pulling down her skirt

But there was no emotion
We just gave into our flesh
We were both still newly wounded
and our pain was still too fresh
We were both just seeking solace
and a body to caress
Our bodies full of lust
and hearts full of distress

I've lost it; my crown
As it falls to the ground
It's just making the sound
Of "boo"s in the crowd
and in them I just drown
A self-proclaimed king
that's been unmasked as a clown

I grew overconfident
thinking I was the best
Rhyming just came easy
It was a gift, and I was blessed
But it kept growing harder and harder
to get the feelings right from off my chest
And I just grew obsessed
I could feel the building up of stress
I couldn't find the right words to express
lost my gift of rhyme, oh who would have guessed
I always taught myself on top
but I was losing to the rest

One of my poems got declined
without any explanations
I'll admit that none of these new pieces
have been meeting expectations
Maybe I've been running out of patience
with all my creations
I seem to have been lacking creativity
when I think and lay down all the foundations

My poems need raw emotion
To be able to reach farther
So I'll drain every thought
I'll even talk about my father
Describe how he'd get drunk
and abusive towards his daughters
While his son was just a coward
afraid to step in as he attacked his mother
I'll talk about every ******* thought that filled with horrors
and all the dread that lingers here and bothers

Maybe what I need is to drench all my rhymes in pain
That's what brought me fame
to slid open my wrist, squeeze the ink from inside my veins
That's what people like
poems they feel they can relate
they say they've felt the same
And again they'll cheer my name
say the king's back in the game
That I haven't lost my touch
that I'm still ******* insane
Then no one will ever doubt
Why this throne has engraved my name