Questions carry in the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
I don't have one.

How do I tell them
that I've lost all motivation,
that I don't feel anything anymore,
that I'm just numb,
that scars line my arms,
that I'm desperate to feel anything
even if it's pain?

How do I explain
that in a room full of people
I still feel alone,
that a friendly face
no longer feels friendly,
that I'm alone on a boat
drifting through an endless sea?

How do I say to them
that everything has lost meaning,
that there isn't a shred of joy in me,
that everything I do feels mundane,
that I'm on autopilot,
that I'm just going through the motions?

How do I face my little sister
and say to her
that I want to leave her behind,
that she'll be on her own,
that she won't be able to come to me,
that she'll no longer have me
to comfort her,
that I won't be there?

How do I look my mother in the eye
and tell her that the child she brought
into this world is desperate for a
way out of it?

Questions carry on the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
7/17/18
I live in my head
In another world
                               A world full of magic
                               Full of mystery
                               Full of adventure
                                                               A world with kings
                                                               Good and bad
                                                               Courageous and cowardly
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world with friends
                              A tight knit group
                              A family to lean on
                                                                 A world of happiness
                                                                 With laughter
                                                                 With inside jokes
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world of love
                              With comradery
                              With protection
                                                           A world I never want to leave
                                                           It's everything I ever wanted
                                                           It's everything I ever needed
I live in another world
That has become my home
I day dream too much
6/16/18
It's never dark enough.
Light slips through the window
From the street lights and the stars.

It's never quiet enough.
Sound pushes through the walls
From the roads and the houses.

It's never warm enough.
Cold seeps through the blankets
From the wind and the fear.

It's never lonely enough.
Voices whisper through the dark
From the shadows and the corners.

It's never enough.
I'm awake through the night
From sundown to sunrise.
I can't sleep
after every massacre
by some fanaticized pathological idiot
politicians call upon their citizens
to come together
and pray for the murdered and their families

this is absolutely appropriate
also absolutely inefficient

but it seems
that ever since 9/11
the nation only comes together
AFTER more of its members have been killed

I wish very much
that the nation
   AND politicians
would come together
BEFORE  the next massacre
and take appropriate action
to prevent such disasters
in the first place
https://edition.cnn.com/2018/03/02/us/school-shootings-2018-list-trnd/index.html
If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.
The state of Florida is now home to the two most deadly mass shootings in American history. Pulse Nightclub was attacked in my city, I have friends who attend Marjory Stoneman Douglas in Parkland. My little sister often fears going to school. I'm afraid to graduate and leave her. I want to be able to protect her if something happens. I hate that we have a reason to be afraid... That it's reasonable to have these fears. I hate it so f*cking much.
My birthday approaches like a train
I am stuck on the tracks of time

Nothing comes with being seventeen

College applications pile like snow
An avalanche waiting to bury me

Nothing comes with being seventeen

Adulthood looms like dark clouds
Ready to pick me up into the storm

Nothing comes with being seventeen
I'm not ready
When his eyes lit up
They glowed amber
Out shining the stars in the sky

When his lips laughed
They vocalized a melody
Harmonizing with the universe

When his smile beamed
It radiated happiness
Dazzling even the sun above

I should have noticed

When his eyes dimmed
They flickered chocolate
Barely a candle in the dark

When his lips quieted
They whispered noise
Barely murmurs in the silence

When his smile dulled
It reflected joy
Barley a stone among gems

I should have known
When his eyes went dark

I should have known
When his lips went silent

I should have known
When his smile went cold

I should have known

I should have known

I should have known...
4/29/18
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