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diagnosis is an ugly word.
it sounds cold and curvy, like a moldy metal straw.
my mom cried that day, when the doctors said "i'm sorry" and maybe they were sorry, but not as much as me.
can you picture it?
a cold hospital chair, the room smelling of hand sanitizer.
everything seemed so big, then.
gloved hands, the faces attached to them looking concerned, my mom looking more than concerned, and I felt like I was drowning in diagrams and technical-talk, and the hand sanitizer smell was washing over my nose in waves, and the doctors were telling me I would be deaf - can you imagine how I felt?
they say there are five stages of grief, but I think it's like a color spectrum, like red and orange and yellow blending and blending together.
they told me a big word, and they said here, this is what is wrong with you, and I was scared like I had never been before, a creeping stagnant fear, and maybe that is why hospitals make me a little anxious now, and maybe that is why my ears feel delicate and sensitive and I am a little bit scared if what secrets they are hiding.
it really is an ugly word.
autobiographical, i suppose - more to follow.
 Aug 25 Honeybee
No wound, no cut, no bruise
Can hurt me as much as you.
My heart melts, and shatters
Knowing you are far from me.

You give me all the signs to see.
That's the worst pain.
You without me.
fireflies dancing
swaying from each blade of grass
lighting up the dew
 Aug 25 Honeybee
Welcome to society,
We hope you enjoy your stay.
And please feel free to be yourself,
As long as it's in the right way.
Make sure you love your body,
Not too much or we'll tear you down.
We'll bully you for smiling.
And then wonder why you frown.
We'll tell you that you're worthless,
That you shouldn't make a sound.
And then cry with all the others,
As you're buried in the ground.
You can fall in love with anyone,
As long as it's who we choose.
And we'll let you have your opinions,
But please shape them to our views.
Welcome to society,
We promise that we wont deceive.
And one more rule now that you're here,
There's no way you can leave.
 Aug 16 Honeybee
You said take the violin that you hang on your wall
Stick it under your bed before it crumbles and falls
Just don't open your eyes before counting to ten
I can hardly remember, just the smell of your hands
As they danced on my body, running over my pores
With the force of steering wheel crushing my bones
I said you smell like the devil but you feel like the lord
And when i think of perfection you know i'm thinking of your
Voice when you tell me you don't call him your baby
Because that was the name that you rightfully gave me
And it's foolish to share with someone else
And my heart goes
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
But you admit that you're lonely, you're as cold as a statue
Pleading '**** me' on the marble that was used to create you
I can't stand that you're talking when you shouldn't be living
I didn't dodge all your bullets i just denied that they hit me
So when my body is bleeding i won't admit that this hurts
Because admitting isn't fixing so then what is it worth
So to say you're unhappy is like saying you're sorry
Its nothing that i care to hear
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
So, now the tears in your jeans are the holes in your armor
You're the thoughts that i feared, you're the mountain i've conquered
If i told you i loved you would you reach out and touch me
You taste like the ocean and your body's disgusting
The only reason you breathe is to sleep through the night
The only reason you speak is to tell me i'm fine
The only reason you breathe is to sleep through the night
The only reason you speak is to state that you're mine
And my heart goes *** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
Bumbum *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** ***
song by Flatsound
 Aug 16 Honeybee
from a failed attempt at finding myself
and a failed attempt at losing myself.
i'm here to say that it hasn't gotten better
even with all the pills
and all the support
i'm here to tell you, with sadness in every letter,
that there is no hope for me
so what i'll do instead, is tell myself
and tell the people that read
that you decide whether or not you come back
you have to choose for yourself
no one else will do it for you
i chose to figure myself out
and i chose to ignore the obvious
we are human with mistakes etched into every fraction of who we are
we are mistakes.
and we are meaningful ones at that
like when you write one thing
and it's blurred or smeared into art
we are the ink still fresh on paper
we are beautiful problems
and we choose our form
 Aug 16 Honeybee
 Aug 16 Honeybee
Nicky was my friend,
and yes, Nicky.
Because they were never a she
they were just lead into believing they were
because people here, at this ******* funeral,
would never open their ******* mind
and certainly not their ******* eyes.
Nicky was MY friend.
Nicky was my best friend.
and I remember never knowing if I would see them again.
They've been fighting this battle for years,
and no one stepped in to help
because you ******* people were so obsessed
with the thought
of them
being perfect.
More perfect than they already were.
Their name was Nick,
not anything else
Nickelodeon, maybe, if you wanted to be formal
but it was hard to be formal around Nicky,
because they weren't someone that took things harshly
they saw beauty in skulls and death
and they saw the horror in the world around them
I'm reading this now because they once told me
that they were feeling suicidal in an AEP room
and they wrote this letter to me
about writing them a poem
at first, I didn't want to do it
because they only said it because
they wanted it read aloud at their funeral
I wanted to say no
because the thought of their death was unbearable
but not impossible.
I should have done more
but instead, I told them that I would
and I started typing.
There was nothing wrong with Nicky.
Not to me. Not to their friends
Nicky was perfect.
Maybe not your version of perfect:
a girl who will sit and do her nails
cross her legs
do everything so easily
but Nicky was never a she
Nicky was and is always a them.
Nicky had no childhood, despite what most of you think
They grew up the moment they were born
into a much too cruel world
with a much too cruel man.
They saw the world as what it really was
and despite what you think, they're not going to heaven
there was never heaven, and they knew this
but no one knew this, did they?
Because did anyone listen?
No. Never. Why would they?
Because what?
Nick was just a person?
Nick was just another person?
Nick was never just a person.
Nick was an experience that all of you were too
naive to notice or think about, much less see.
Nicky suffered all of their life, and they saw something in this pain
they saw the beauty that most were too busy crying to realize
Nick saw the realism in hurting
Nick was a real person
who never was really alive
just someone who was surviving.
because there's a difference, in case you didn't know.
With Nicky, they took the color from the world
they became a black void, ******* all the happiness possible
maybe now people will see how realistic this is.
Like a willow tree, they fell silent as they crashed against
the ocean of green on the floor
they gave in to the rotting the world puts us through
you would call it growth
but Nicky knew it wasn't growth
it was a chainsaw.
and now, they're gone.
I miss the way they laughed at all of my jokes
I miss the way their hand felt in mine
I miss being with them, even if we were just sitting
in silence
with music, deafening.
Nicky was my friend, and yes, Nick
because they were never a she,
but you wouldn't know that would you?
Are you listening now?
 Aug 16 Honeybee
 Aug 16 Honeybee
I'm slipping back into nothing
so familiar
yet it never ceases to be as terrifying
i'm tired of pretending like i'm okay
but there's no possible way that i can tell you the truth
i'm back and forth like that one rollercoaster that
just keeps on going
it's not as fun as i like to make it out to be.
I hate this place
 Aug 15 Honeybee
 Aug 15 Honeybee
in the darkness of my doubts and troubles hums a songbird
For awhile now I've been free,
But I feel stuck, drowning in the sea.

I've been good at hiding my emotions and scars,
I've been searching for you among the stars.

Running into eachother broke my heart,
But you say it's better to just stay apart.

I still have my demons I need to fight,
And you took away my light.

You can leave my life that's fine,
But don't blame me when I shine.

I may not have you,
But I have someone new.
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