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6h · 18
Untitled
Hg 6h
I know you shouldn’t wait until you feel like doing something. You won’t survive that way they say. Does a bird really force themselves to fly south? What if they are happy to do it. What if they don’t feel any pressure to do anything, other than what they know is beneficial?

Still then why can’t I do what I know to be beneficial right now. It seems like my ideas of what to do are lost in the murky waters inside a cave off the shores of my mind’s ocean. I can see there’s treasure in those ideas but I feel so magnetized to just lay down and scroll on tik tok. My real problems feel unsolveable, even though after some thought I can realize they are indeed easier than I expect. So what is this weird force holding me back. Is it fear? Is it disgust? Why am I avoidant at the idea of making myself a meal 🥘 when I know I get sicker every time I don’t eat. Just saying this now increases me hunger and my motivation to go and get food at any cost. Perhaps I just need to learn to fricking express this in a way that makes me realize what has to be done has to be done. Why is there no video talking about this? Anybody know something that actually ******* helps? Is this really my problem? Not processing the current issue as smaller than me and completeable? Or is there a larger problem I’m not recognizing? Is it death? I thought of that last night. I thought about death. We just die and that’s it. I was so rude to S, saying smartly oh you haven’t processed death yet? It was supposed to be funny but it was ******* rude. She had. She looked at me with wide eyes and said, we just die and that’s it. Then I gave some quantum explanation for how we might just live again. Then I said YOLO and what happened happened because of that mentality. It seems that is the only mentality that works for me. Everything else feels like a distraction. Will I be able to tell my kids this? You’re born to live, because one day you die, and that is it, from what we can ever tell. It sounds less scary that way. Acceptance of it. She was so nice to say that. I was a mean guy. I was insecure and she was beautiful. I was nvm. I’m so hungry right now. I’m so hungry I could eat spaghetti, broccoli, bread, apples, grapes, avocado toast. Ever since I stopped eating regularly I broke out in blisters all over my lips and around my eyes. I apparently had ****** simplex and never known. It never happened the other times I starved myself. Did Al give me ******? If it spreads from around my eyelids on to my eyes I i’ll go blind. My hearing was ringing ok the break out, and I was left in a fever sweat day after day. I got enough medicine to subside it’s spread finally. But I just ran out. I need to call and ask for more medicine. I have acne medicine now, I’ll take that and maybe it’ll help a little bit. But eating the bsar medicine. If I eat I will gain muscle from that workout I did yesterday. If I carbs, protein, leafy greens, vegetables, vitamins, antioxidants, everyday four times a day I can get to the point where I can actually workout. I can build muscle. It will change my gene expression, which will change my kids gene expression. It will do incredible things that I can not fathom. It will make me become more like myself. The more you eat the more dopamine you release. I will be happier, healthier, stronger, more fit to survive and so will my children one day. But will I have kids? I feel so ugly sometimes. A face with acne scars, body of a twelve year old, 125 lbs at 5 foot 10 inches. I don’t look white enough to be white or asian enough to be asian. I’m an awkward breed of human that came from a line of bad relationships, and poor parenting. I didn’t do any sports in high schoolboy I just took PE seriously for fun. I liked to see my team of underdogs win that day. I was actually a pretty nice guy to people, I was good looking too back then. But I ******* ruined my face. I neglected any skin care because my mother neglected me. She’s never taught me to eat, to read, to write, to speak, to drive, to date, to exercise, to relate to anybody, to make friends, to study, to work, to interview, to open up, to express myself, to take care of a plant even, to ben a parent, to work hard, what happen so in life, to accept the unknown. She caged me in her overly spiritual outlook on things. She over shopped to satisfy herself and never gave me the money or even the advice to make money. She was raised by parents that taught her everything and yet I got no rearing. I suppose after 7 kids you just give up and life’s incredibly hopeless and only about fun and not about working to save the only planet we have. I would have loved to study science in college but I wasn’t smart enough in my eyes. I just wasn’t allowed to think at home ian the problem. I wasn’t allowed to question religion or talk about science. Mother held me when I was 7 and told me when we die we go to heaven. It stopped me from crying but left me blindsided to the reality everyone else was in tune with. CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. I ate two meals everyday in highschool. A slice of pizza, and del taco or panda express for dinner.HOW DO YOU NOT LEARN HOW TO COOK AFTER 8 KIDS!!!!!! ***. And she calls herself a teacher like I’m sorry mom I don’t mean to go off but I’m angry and hungry and confused as to why my first instinct isn’f oh just do what I did growing up. Do what mother showed me. BECAUSE WHEN I ACCESS THAT MT MOTHER SHOWED ME NOTHING. Nothing. She just let me eat goldfish and ramen noodles in high school everyday. I was so jealous of healthy looking people. I had to convince myself that it was just the way I looked. That I’d magically change into the strong high schooler. SHE LET ME give UP EVWEY SPORT. Does she’s not know exercise shapes your body and mind to be healthier ******* so mad. My mom must’ve been really messed up because I had to teach HER THIS ****. I had to put on health documentaries when she got full bladder problems. She let me SMOKE after her father died from it. Like this woman has no idea that we just die and that’s it from as far as we can actually tell. God I wish life was different but it CANT BE. THIS IS WHAT I GOT. I have to eat know or always look like a teenager body with a 23 year old head. It’s ******* disgusting to look at. I look creepy and gross. Like all the other people I thought looked weird when’s i was 16 and saw people that live at home. Like get a ******* life bro. But I succumbed to trying to stay behind and be there for my unhealthy mom. THIS PERSON LITERALLY IS SO MISINFORMED and here I am just a product of it all. I want to be my own man. To choose where I live and how it runs. That’s why I play minecraft and rebuild my entire room so I can control things for once. I just want what’s best for her but she would rather marry herself to crazy than look at life for what is obviously is. Now where doesn’t this leave me, still hungry but slightly less angry? Not really. I’m going to ben angry for a while probably. Anger is a sign that something needs to change, extreme anger means something needs to change now.
Hg 23h
stage 0 - interaction
inciting incident that upsets you
stage 1 - suppression
elimination and repression of attention to the incident
stage 2 - distraction
escapism, doing different activities instead of facing the problem
stage 3 - obsession
sudden fixation on something unrelated to fixing the situation
stage 4 - depression
sadness and lack of motivation to fix problem because of fear
stage 5 - exhaustion
apathy and numbness sets in
stage 6 - frustration
explosion of anger, use anger management techniques here
stage 7 - expression
honest feelings and thoughts reveal a clearer view of the situation
stage 8 - acquiescence
acceptance of one's own responsibility in the situation
stage 9 - devotion
motivation to fix the problem
stage 10 - action
takes a list of actions to solve the problem that came from the incident
stage 11 - realization
a solution appears after the actions are done
stage 12 - gratification
a moment to breath and enjoy confidence in the answer
stage 13 - reflection
insight an prediction on how to avoid the problem in the future
stage 14 - implementation
implementation of a contingency plan should another incident occur
perhaps this isn’t as linear as I made it out to be
2d · 12
Untitled
Hg 2d
Why did she say I was perfect if she didn’t mean it.
Why was it when I showed weakness in the slightest she up and left.
What’s wrong with me.
What’s wrong with me.
Why did I care so much about her.
Perhaps it wasn’t really her I cared but the idea of her.
Why are we born.
If life on earth serves an ecological purpose, what’s mine?
To imagine people are better than they are? If our DNA knows eyes are best for seeing. Why does our DNA not know that we’re killing planet earth. If she instantly knew something was terribly wrong with my life and it’s better to stay out of it, how do I stay out of it?
How do I escape me.
How do I ghost me.
How do I run away.
How do I escape.
How come life’s a game.
Survive and **** to play.
I don’t want to be a part of this.
Does anyone want to be a part of this.
I just thought love could exist.
Maybe not happiness, but love.
I was wrong.
Chemicals.
Animals.
I don’t want to exist here.
Give me the chance to live in peace somewhere.
Where my problems are only ever my own.
Where nobody knows me.
Where nobody goes. I would rather be all alone.
Than be constantly unwanted. Constantly.
2d · 19
S (cont.)
Hg 2d
S

It felt meant to be. To see a dream walk up to me and say she was sorry for being tall.

Never be sorry for that. I refuse to simp over you anymore as well. You left me and for good reason. I acted weird. I sent you ten texts in a row. Who does that?

A kid with nobody to teach him how to drive. A kid with nobody who cared enough to try to plan out his life even a little bit. Tumblr and pinterest were my first times realizing I could organize my goals in a way I could see them.

And when I first talked to you S, it was better than any pinterest board or tumblr post. You were really there.

You too had been a kid with Vsco. Finding some sort of expression in visual art as I did.

I wanted to say EVERYTHING to you.
Tell you how I saw you follow me once and masturbated to the idea of you. It’s so gross and weird but I was a teenager with absolutely no discipline what can you expect?

I wanted to tell you that I prayed to get a chance to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you I didn’t bring condoms because at the most all I wanted was to hold someone as beautiful as you. And I don’f mean just on the outside. Your eye for the moments in life were so honest. Your smile was so honest. Your unimpressiment with me, though I was blinded by “love” at the time to see, was honest.

It’s my fault for not telling you those things and instead going on and on about dreams.

I could have been real with you and then I would know then if you were actually capable of tolerating me and calling it love.

When we made “love” you were just looking for a fix huh. You said this thing that used to make me cry just thinking about it.

“Why are you perfect?”

Me, a **** watcher since 13, college dropout with no skin care routine, weighing in at 56.699 and standing at 177.8 cm

Me a man who let my mother marry a *** offender when she asked if it was ok. It's an act of love to compromise, but at the expense of my own integrity. He touches people on their feet without asking. He pulled Tc's hair as she was just sitting their. I could have ended him right then and there.

This is a crazy house I was born into. I want to fricking run away. I can't take this annoyingness any longer. I have to study. I have to become a doctor. I have to make it out of here. I'm sorry mother I don't know how to help you. Pray to your jesus, I trust in God too just not the way you do. Please understand. Please know I love you and even him, but I can't forgive crazy acts like this any longer.
2d · 24
Tmi
Hg 2d
Tmi
I’ve said some things that I felt had to be said
but my perception of other successful people tells me otherwise
they don’t unload their issues online
perhaps they don’t have as many
or as much
given their wealth

Perhaps I can’t concentrate because I’m aching in hunger and all I need to do is get up and eat better

Still expressing my own feelings helps me see that other people go through the same things and then I can actually relate to them

It sounds like I’m an ExxP/ExxJ afterall.
If you don’t know what that means, well humans are observed to have 4 personalities. ExxJ, or ExxP, or IxxJ, IxxP.

Those were the mbti terms for brain types.
The best names for the types are from the Amen Clinic.
ExxP= The Spontaneous Brain
ExxJ = The Sensitive Brain
IxxP = The Cautious Brain
ExxJ = The Persistent Brain
and the fifth is the Balanced Brain.
Balanced brains have balanced activity in all areas of the brain rather than lacking activity certain areas.

To balance a brain one must take a wholistic approach and change their behavior, eat certain activity boosting foods, exercise, and take supplements that ensure optimal body functions.

I deduce myself to have mainly The Spontaneous Brain. This type of brain could be compared to ADD like brains. I don’t have all the info and I’m not gonna look it up but you can find it using Amen Brain Types.

The Spontaneous Brain has a hard time staying on task/ on topic. See the Spontaneous brain needs to learn to do what The Persistent Brain does too much of.

And one of the best ways to change your brain is to start being completely honest.

Honest about what’s working and what’s not. Honest about what’s healthy what’s not. Honesty is key because other studies show honesty with yourself, others, your environment, your work, leads to higher intelligence and better brain functioning.

So writing what I’m writing is messy, I expected this with my spontaneity, but it’s also helping me boil down what my secondary personality type is.

Because we the fact is the four brain types are actually overseen by two greater categories, The Occassion Mind and The Decision Mind.

The Occassion Mind is the axis of the Spontaneity and Persistence. Which in Carl Jung terminology we could say the Extroverted and Introverted functions, however he did not to my knowledge realize it could be categorized between occasion and decision. So in the typology math we write that as Oe or Ocassion extroversion, and Oi as Occassion introversion.

Perhaps I need to stay more on topic.

I am dying. You are dying. We are all someday going to reach a bitter end.

Today I want to be a good day. Today I want to become who I really want to be.

I think I have an overly Spontaneous Brain, and need to stay on course. I’m starting to believe that I am also an overly Sensitive brain. I seem to do what overly sensitive brains are described doing by my sources (LiJo, Amen, Objective Personality, Typematch). It appears I am overthinking who is better at who or who is more skillful than who or who provides more for their community or who is loved more in their family. I do this a lot I think, but it’s tricky typing yourself without a brain scanner, or two typologists.
2d · 19
Imperfect
Hg 2d
When she laid there next to me
I felt a sense of disbelief
The way that she held on to me
has slowly left my memories
What’s the use in reflecting
she locked her heart and ate the key
I want to stop having this dream
and see it scientifically
Her eyes, her hair, her nose, her lips
are normal and nothing to miss
She asked me why I was perfect
and left as soon as I wasn’t
It’s justified I freaked her out
making a tik tok using a sound
That used a name similar to hers
she didn’t find that funny sure
I cried for days at what I’d done
I had become the needy one
Anxiety builds up in me and soon
I’m drowning in a sea
If only I had let her be she might
have been here next to me
This failure was my greatest yet
a chance I missed and can’t get back
I’ve tried to date and just forget
but that’s just not enough I guess
Perhaps if I saw Africa
I’d see the world a lot better
It’s wide and someone else could see
I’m tolerable in the least
I wish that science could simply
explain my mistakes clear to me
I wish somehow that she could see
It’s hard to turn a ship at sea
It’s no excuse I had no map
a sailor should never do that
I hit the iceberg and sank down
playing music before I drown
I really hope this writing now
will give me insight
2d · 76
new goal
Hg 2d
make as many people’s day as possible
3d · 26
Culture
Hg 3d
Realizing life’s not just short
but diverse
there’s so much out there
so much
i could’ve just searched on google
and boom I could see a little bit of what is really going on
3d · 25
Untitled
Hg 3d
Why don't I save myself the embarassment and delete all this?
I'm afraid to fall back into it. To never progress without it all being compiled into one space.

God I just want to be free.

I feel no freedom looking at my family.

I see chains linked by saying it's ok when it's not.

It's really not.

I really want to belong somewhere else.

It hurts writing this. I feel so stressed out. I feel weak. I want to play minecraft or travel on a plane.
lol i deleted it all but Ayesha called me out on it so it’s up again
Hg 3d
Perhaps writing about people you don’f want to think about anymore because they don’t think of you ever is...counterproductive to say the least
however the pace at which I’m saying no to thoughts of you seems to be quickening now knowing the history of my girl crazy tendencies will only lead me down a path of self loathing

as if i can ever truly escape from hating myself. no i won’t let that be the final thought on this page

see this is my therapy until tomorrow comes and i can call the doctors for an appointment to have them help me take away this pain

a man once said people need so little encouragement to get their life together
and he’s right

but the people around me i can’t get that from

all i get are sighs and we’ve tried to help you already

but you don’t listen

they don’t understand what it’s like being me

being nearly nothing

meaningless being

nobody
she
she didn’t
she didn’t
see me
and think oh my
she didn’t
loook at me and see
a person she could love
she didn’t see me as anything
other than trouble
she rejected me because she
could probably figure out
that rejection is sweeter than
lies

a woman should never have to ignore your faults to love you. my faults being my lack of motivation or even WILL. my poor resolve. my fear of vulnerability. my lack of parenting. my lack of healthy eating.

Also love doesn’t exist stop writing that

there’s people we’d take bullets for theoretically but we can’t say

actually this one time a boy saved his sister from a fire

he was 7
he burned
he
he
he
was 7

the boy tried to save his sis
they didn’t

oh man
oh man oh man

how do i let myself sit in silence and forget the things i’ve heard on the news

the stories of people that risked it all out of sheer love

do yourself a favor and don’t look it up

that boy
he could be you one day

the hero
3d · 33
Tc
Hg 3d
Tc
I can see why you called me girl crazy. When I met you, you walked into my room, 15 years old but way smarter than me at 18 on my computer editing a video.

I’m not sure which one, perhaps the one about my dead father.

Let’s try to process some of this I guess.

I liked you because you were fun. I liked the way your hair fell. I didn’t like the way you looked in pictures. It never did you justice in my mind. I held onto every moment I spent with you.

I decorated my dreams with you. I fantasized about the moment I’d kiss you.

I didn’t think ahead about how long we could actually date. I couldn’t.

I was raised by a deranged and traumatized woman. Her own husband turned against her. She was trusting God. She began trusting herself. She went from rags to this house I’ve always lived in. Mother of 8 kids but never a parent to any of them. Well she was just not to me. I got everything they didn’t. McDonald’s. Chipotle. Driven to school. Toys. Video Games.

I was spoiled to them. But I couldn’t make friends. I made play mates that didn’t understand why I was so afraid of everyone. I would sit in class silently. Only ever feeling alive when I would get the chance to speak during a presentation. I did studied, I got by off pure memory. Then highschool came around and I was already unconscious.

When I failed math in 8th grade mom didn’t help me with homework. I just listened as best as I could in class, then played videogames and did my homework the morning before.

I was always barely making it. Deep down I wanted to have all A’s. I wanted to smile at people. I wanted to not be seen as weird. I wanted to be friends with the fun popular people.

I knew nothing but silence at home. My mom would come home late from work. My siblings would visit once a year and give me gifts then go dark again. My older sister had friends and they would hang out with me. One of them told me they’d date me when I was 18. I look back on that and think that she was probably trying to pass down some reason for me to live. Because before that all I did was exist.

In 8th grade I took my first big risks. I asked out a girl, despite my inability to talk to her. My family never gave me words to say. All I knew were the words from Adventure Time. That was my language.

Mathematical. Slamacow. Fantastic. ****** dude. Rad. Awesome! I love you.
What time is it?? Adventure Time!

That’s basically all I could say. But I liked it. I said it often. Nobody ever told me how crazy I was. Maybe I wasn’t as crazy as I think. I was nice to everybody I met. At least I thought I was. I was probably seen as rude for never starting or being able to carry a conversation past how are you today?

I was just a kid with cartoons and video games for brains. Shocking to see how little difference there is between the ages of 13 and 23.

I’m in the same room now that I was in at 18, when a girl who liked to be called “T.C” walked into my life. She wondered around my room like a museum. She found a treasure chest and opened it to find my heart written in journal upon journal upon journal.

With what little words I knew I wrote about all the girls I loved. Everything else was just doodles. Do you go girl crazy she asked?
Girl crazy? I asked.

And here I was going crazy for her as she said that.
Perhaps any gurl that gave me the slightest attention was an excuse to attach my happiness to their perception of me.

I can track back my romantic history but what’s the use of reflecting on the unnecssary.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished to be something else other than human.

Sure love does not exist in the wild, but neither does the pain of being misunderstood. Neither does the pain of mothers and parents being abused and repeating their abuse onto others. Once the offspring grows up they simply do as nature tells them.

But then I remember the rush it is. To look at someone and make believe that you both might exist for each other.

Yes I used to be girl crazy. I used to put my reason for existence on a single person. If was that or sing along to the jewish songs my mom played in the car about a god I’d never seen.

Perhaps I should stay on topic.

Tc.

I don’t know what to say.

You pitied me enough to let me ask you out on a date. You laughed enough in my presence to accept my invitation to be my girlfriend despite the things are friends said about us being three years apart in age. You tried to calm me down when I would panic over math tests. I told you a little bit about my father. I never told you how painful it was living with my mom and her husband.

But you never asked either. Maybe you didn’t want to focus on the bad. Who does.

I was a convenient person who adored every facet of your life. I would tell you you’re gorgeous and you’d always deny. Tell me things like you one potato in a hiant sack of potatoes.

I would think thoughts of you and treat you as a soon to be woman. You were just a child. But I was even less than that. I could drive but I always got into accidents.

When you brought up the future I had a panic attack. She wants me to leave her, so I prayed to that god Mom told me to believe in, when I was 7 and I came to my mother crying, saying I don’t want you to die mom.

I had just figured it out at that age. One day. She’ll be gone.

I still remember the way she held me on the old leather couch. When I die, you’ll still see me in heaven.

Tc. I was holding your hand on your couch when I looked at you and said the idiotic saying of I love you.

You said not a word, you processed this moment. I was a complete fool, saying he loved you without knowing the meaning of the word.

I never questioned what words mean. I used them freely and stupidly.

But here I was looking at you. Realizing. I’m alone in my feelings. Just as I was before with all the other girls I crushed on.

You were the only one who gave me time of day. I could thank you for that. Perhaps I wouldn’t know how to say anything to a girl without you.

But I don’t want to give you credit. The real problem is me. I was lazy, distracted, afraid to say anything to my mom.

I was alone, always have been but I shouldn’t be with 7 siblings. I should be speaking freely. I saw a study that says freedom in what you say wheneve you say it raises your intelligence. But I can’f get through to my mom. She’s too traumatized to care about life. Let alone mine.

It’s up to me she says. But does she not know. All I have in my head are moments spent alone, photographic memories of girls I adored, and fears of when I will be called to war for the sake of a country that killed it’s own kind.

I’m detaching myself from any further consideration of you Tc. I messaged you a couple months ago because my even crazier friend told me I should talk to you. He said I used to love you. He said he thinks we were meant to be. So I texted you out of the blue, for the first time in a years, and asked you to get coffee. It was innocent until I spilled and said something stupid. I said you probably won’t want to hear what I have to say. Ominous words that I didn’t intend to be ominous. It’s because I was afraid of being honest in saying I thought of you often still. Hoped you were ok. Wished you well.

But after reviewing my notes I don’t care about you.

For my own sake.

I tortured myself never honestly saying how much I was hurting over you. Over the nasty detail you would give to me about the boys you had been with.

I was sick to my stomach, sitting next to the soundcloud rapper you chose over me.

But honestly if I saw me then. I wouldn’t care about me either.

I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t protect my family from my mother’s poor decisions. I told myself I’m too young to know any better than her, and when the first signs of disgusting acts by him were shown. I didn’t know what to do.

When he pulled your hair as a “JOKE” i grabbed a knife and wiped it on his shirt. But would I ever hurt him. Could I hurt anyone? Me the kid who saved ants from pools???? What kind of human being am I.

A weakling, sorry excuse of a man. I dreamed of being a spartan but when it came to real life I never defended anyone. I would freeze. Fatherless, guideless. Descendant of cowards and abused women.

I didn't love you Tc. I don't know why I said that. I loved the idea of the pretty girls that get high only a couple times in their life. The vsco girls before they were vsco girls. The girls that could let me live in a dreamworld. You would always tell me you weren't special. Perhaps you knew my desires more than I did. You knew I yearned for a girl with style, flair like a model. To me that's fun. To wear what you want.

Why is what I want so unconscious to me.
Why is this never going to stop.

Tc. You'll never read this. But I'm not coning to your funeral. I'm not playing thag song you made me promise to play. I won't cry over you. I won't care or even think abiut you anymore from here on out.

Because I never knew you. I never saw you for who you were. I never loved you. I loved myself, for once, around you. And was desperate to keep that feeling. You constantly pushed me away. For you knew this. You never even prayed about me. Why should I care about the idea of you anyway.
Elemental Rant
A new series by Hg
4d · 51
1/17/2021
Hg 4d
Here’s what happens to me
I talk to one person about some stupid little story I came up with as a kid  
Then I realize one time I housesat for my ex and I tried writing a ghost story based off that experience
Then I’m going about my day and I think it’d be fun to go on tik tok to see this random funny girl with a giant birthmark on her face and what do you know she’s live
AND talking about ghost stories
I get a little mad bc I simped out while I live at home instead of doing something with my life and meeting girls like her
Then I watch some videos of people who have moved out and underneath one of them is a cool advertisement, it’s coloring is cool, and the orange background with white waves are cool, until suddenly I realize wait, it’s name is Hostguide, which if rearranged spells ghostuide which don’t mean anything but it sure is funny how I kind find a way to make things rearrange into something semi connected to what i was passionately talking about earlier today
Then I hmm oh right I
look through more job boards
And then I go back on tik tok
See another cute girl and say huh maybe I should follow her too to make the other girl possibly jealous if she ever looks at my page bc I’ll probably follow her in the future and comment on her live or her posts so if she does click me it looks like I just know my type and I don’t only follow her like a creep even though I want to only follow her I like her
So I’m looking through this girls page to see if I’d follow her and yeah she seem’s pretty cool, kind of full of herself but in a good way, perhaps she’s conquered tough times so she just has that alpha mentality in a way, she looks like she models by the way she moves, she looks pretty similar to birthmark girl, then I say let’s see her first post and it’s her saying she’s a ghost girl


Now I highly don’t want to believe in silly things like ghosts or spirit worlds because people tell them as stories but freaky **** like this happens to me I guess what I have to do is understand that patterns happen as well as random stuff
The world, atoms, snowflakes, it’s all connected and all that but it’s nothing to get weird about. Things just kind of come to you sometimes, even when your not asking for it.
Yup 👍
Definitely need a therapist
and to start airing out my problems with
people more adjusted to society than me
quarantine was actually super helpful to me. I had been this crazy person in a crazy home, but quarantined gave me time to lock my door and see the world from a survival perspective. Now I’m realizing atheism is super productive mindset. Science too. How cool. Still I’m scared of letting go of these internalized sensations of god. Like holy hell maybe i’ll get used to it once I figure out how to talk about literally all the trauma in my life freely but idk. idk. i’m getting really tired and need to eat food. my cold sores are going down wonderfully but i fear i have not been eating enough and thus they will return. f this dude. i’m not going to get a bad immunity system. i’m going to eat all the healthiest foods i can find and craft recipes to make each week. i’ll even make it fun too because i can make things fun. i am not a slave to this stupid ugly house i’m gowing out of it. i’m going to have to work so hard to barely make it out alive but that’s ok people have been through worse bro. you got this Hg. My real name’s david. anyhow. this is the most inelegant signings off of this site as i could havenpossibly done but if you want to be REAL and NOT CRAZY with me i got an instagram. ask me for it if your normal or want to become more normal. i’ll share my story as honestly as i can for the good of myself and possibly other people. aight peace out. f u.
4d · 41
3/7/2020
Hg 4d
when I matched with a girl i had a crush on, went over to her place, talked about my day, and said it was a good day. I sat in barnes and noble and read laws on quantum physics. she said something along the lines of that’s interesting.

i also asked her what scares her
she said death
I said you haven’t processed that yet?
she said it’s just scary, like we die and that’s it, nothing else
i said there’s all these laws of science right. Physics and stuff. There’s intelligence all around us and within us. Things that work on their own.  When we die we might lose this perception of the world, but then we join in on the intelligence of atoms, and nature. is that really death? or just existing as part of the earth again?
She said she never thought of it that way

Then her cat scratched me
Them we made out
Then I went down
Then I said I don’t have condoms
Them she said it’s up to me
Them she said I do what I want
I FOUND MORE PIECES TO MY PAST

this note provides further clarity as to how i acted quite ignorantly towards the girl i went girl crazy over after losing my virginity to her. she was right. we just die. i keep running from it and calling out to a god and tricking myself into seeing signs when the reality is messy. it’s extremely messy. we’re all humans running around trying to survive and feel good chemicals in our brains. i’ve studied psychology and personality as a hobby for years and that **** is not helpful. what’s helpful is experience. true knowledge comes from it. deeper knowledge in reflection of that experience. i just need to go live more man. f poetry. f god. f all this stuff. i’m going to be normal 🤦🏻‍♂️
4d · 43
1/12/20
Hg 4d
my whole social life feels like trying to sing a song without knowing the lyrics
meh
4d · 44
7/11/19
Hg 4d
in case i get alzheimer’s
here’s how yesterday happened
so i grew up a boy
being told about god
and jesus
but i was always confused
how a man could be known to be god
like cant anyone just say that

still yet
it instilled philosophies
of love
and i was really big on love
i had lots of crushes growing up
liked rom com’s a lot
but when my friends showed me
****
i eventually jumped
on the band wagon
it felt good
but there was this instant disgust
everytime
realizing im alone
trying to fill a void

eventually i got to a girl
who i thought would be the one
when she didn’t
i tried using **** to get over her
instead i ended up looking for her
in these people
i realized that guilt everytime
but continued to do so

i thought it doesnt matter
until this year
when i started psychedelics
as a means to gain
artistic inspo
instead it opened up
a demon portal
emotions inside me
were now
all around me
the only thing that kept me safe
was remembering my love
for people, the world, my mom
and a nameless being
that made it all possible
by imagining
concepts
like collective consciousness
yin yang
greek gods
past lives
astrology
i freaked myself out
of smoking everyday
jerking off everyday
being lazy
being reserved

i wont go into detail
maybe later
but what changed it all
was asking not just for god
but for jesus
and trusting my own will
and imagination
to make the right choices
not out of fear
but fear of losing love
of losing the ability
to care for someone else

after a near death experience
it took 3 weeks to ask for a recovery
and when i did
god showed me paths
and let me choose
and i could now
choose based on beliefs in the power of love
not just ideas of my wants, my needs

i downloaded bumble
got quite a few matches
but none of the convos
were interesting
then i saw her profile
she was the most special person
i’ve seen
and i swiped
and later that day
we matched
i waited 24 hours
not talking to anyone
cause i told god it would
be nice to talk to her
i even wrote to god
as if writing to her
cause im honestly
unsure where she ends
and god begins
i imagined in my head
how i would treat her long term
how i would treat her short term
i imagined different scenarios
all of them
still felt worth
just talking to her
but hours went by
and hours
10 hours were left, 8 were given to sleeping
i despaired in my head a couple times
but i couldn’t let myself give up
not after what god’s been through
so the next day i just held onto my prayer
but she never said anything
those 2 hours
so then i found this option
in the last 34 minutes
where you could extend it for another day
and i clicked it
hoping she’d reconsider or hadn’t seen the match
or what

then we got talking
and i asked her out
over bumble
while at the in n out
drive through
*** 😱

Ok I never knew I wrote all this down
I’ve literally gone through the same cycle sort of
**** I did get alzheimer’s
i’m not sure about all the god ****
but i didn’t know i prayed and imagined the future with that girl

the rest of the story goes that while texting and flirting with this bumble girl i asked to come over and she said ok let me get ready

so now it was a hook up or at least about to be so i went to the store and looked at condoms. however i didn’t end up buying any condoms since i really didn’t want to get my hopes up like that. i respected this girl. i freaking imagined like future with her (which i still do sometimes, i’m working on getting over this gurl crazy illness ok 😭) and so i met her and we hooked up and it was great but then my girl crazy started to show when i made a tik tok about her and sent it to her. she ghosted me. i was trying to be funny but man i was dumb. it’s weird how i have to process all of this pain and past in writing for me to understand life’s not that serious bro. like i come from a lot of trauma it’s aight everyone does too. don’t put all your logs on one tiny match you’ll suffocate it. that’s my analogy for going girl crazy on people you hardly know. anyhow this notes project is helping me recenter. if you’re reading this *** that’s weird. who are you. dm me so i can rant more to you. but like also thanks for listening so far.
4d · 35
1/25/19
Hg 4d
i was caught inbewtween the confusion
was she thinking about me
was it another coincidence
i knew that god i thought gave me a sign
was all a lie now
but was this an actual sign
a sign from her?
how weird was it to post a picture
on the fourth of april
with a yellow heart in the caption
when went on a date with a guy
on the fourth of april
and celebrated the fourth of the month
every month you spent with him
and you also used to text this guy
i 🧡 u
all the time
and when you guys broke up
you told him youll never forget him
and always will think about him
even if you have a boyfriend
i keep accidentally talking to her
my bad
i guess i really just want to tell her this
elaborate on what actually happened these past few years
explain myself
explain what i felt
explain how i’m not girl crazy
and that its just affection
hidden out of fear of being misunderstood
i dont want her to say anything really
i dont want her to even look at me
i just want her to understand
because i can handle them thinking im crazy
but not the one person who was there for my top three most embarassing moment of my life.
you ready for the second one?

here we go:
i got back from college
and we started hanging out
we started smoking together with friends
watching movies with friends
having good times to try to make our depressed friends feel better
she kept complaining about how this 20 yr old started talking to her. but she wasnt interested. then she looked me dead in the eye and said
but i never did anything with him. she kept reminding me of things. and asking me weird things. like bringing up that she’d be 18 soon. and that the countdown was already in her mind when its half a year away. she came over one time and brushed my hair with a comb, to check if she gave me lice when she had a sleepover with my brothers ex’s little sister who at the time was living with me in my moms house. after a couple brush strokes she ditched the comb and just used her fingers, saying it was easier. then she complimented my hair. saying it was so soft. she sued to always say how soft it was when we dated. then she just left after that. without even a bye. i was confused. did she like me. secretly? are we really only hanging out to help our depressed friend? then one night we saw the sequel to a movie we both loved, dead pool. the second one wasnt as good, but he got his girl back that he lost. and i was starting to think the world does have signs. thats actual crazy right there. we saw the movie with a bunch of other people but she sat next to me. then that night she laid down next to me as all our friends took my bed. and as we laid there i looked her in the eyes, and she froze a look into mine. she had said she was hungry so i gave her a burrito. she said she cant take it, its my burrito. so i took it from her hands, then paused and looked in her eyes. thats when i slowly grabbed her hand and her gaze froze for a second. expressionless it was practically anything i wanted her face to say. so i took it as “*** its finally happening”

i held her hand. then she did something weird. she put her face straight down into the pillow ok the floor. she wasnt squeezing back on my hand at all. and for half a minute we just sat there.
until suddenly she sat up.
“something just crawled on my neck.”
she said.
“what?” i was confused
then i looked down
and saw a yellow spider
tiny little thing
crawling away from the pillow her face was on
“oh it was a spider!”
i said
“NOPE!”
she said as she stood up.
i quickly picked up a sandal that had the logo of the college i dropped out of imprinted on it and i killed that yellow spider. i looked to her with a smile, expecting something similar. i had killed the moment killer. but then all she said was
“i’m going to bed” and she left the room.
the next morning i was so embarrassed. she texted me telling me she’s so sorry if i thought she was dropping hints or anything. when she walked around my room when i got back and sat down with me for a few hours going through my journals
again, “just like the good old times” she was doing that out of friendship. when she was fiddling with my hair it was because it was soft, it wasnt because it was my hair. it was just soft. when she went to my closet and asked if she could wear something instead of asking her best friend, it was because she likes baggy clothes to hide her bad posture, it wasnt because she missed your smell. when she woke up with you after you got home, in the early morning, just to watch the sunrise, it was for ***** and giggles. nothing romantic. at that point, i was used to embarassment. so i told her it was just another of my many mistakes. i told her you know what, maybe i am girl crazy. because i couldve sworn for a second you and the universe were trying to tell me you care about me still. we laughed it off and became friends friends this time. not just fake friends. we started hanging out even more. we started going to parties. i started getting high and drunk. it helped when i had to watch her give her snapchat to a random guy that hit on her. and there was always a guy hitting on her. she’d grown up to be a model. and i’d grown up to be a college dropout crossfaded at a highschool party.
this is as embarassing as it gets i thought.
but no oh no.

i had had enough of partying. i realized that matisse never cared like i did. she was the one who wanted to experiment. saying that she didn’t want tk hold me back was actually her saying she didn’t want me holding her back. she also liked hurting me. playing me. flirting with me. it was her passtime. she’d sit close to me always close to me. never across the bed, but right next to me. she’d laugh with me, knowing that i loved that laugh. because it was the only thing that never laughed with me, not at me. make it seem like there’s some feelings she has for me, that can only come out in little things like seating arrangements and laughter. then she’d throw me off. she’d get high with me, and ask if i’m gay. um...i literally held your hand a couple weeks ago but ok. “No! do you even know me?” i said.
then she asked me if i’m still a ******.
the ******* nerve she had to ask me that.
she knew the answer. like i’d really let
go of my virginity to someone i didn’t love.
“yes” i said. “are you?”
“no. i just lost it with my ex. he really liked ***.
the first night we did it five times. then we did that all the time. and i started to feel like maybe, maybe he was using me for ***. cause whenever we hung out. it’s like he expected it to end in ***.”
awesome. lovely. just the perfect way to hurt me. give me details.
i had been wondering what she’d been doing this whole ******* time. she met me when i was a senior, now i’m meeting her as a senior. she was different. she loved ****. made me always invite my friend because he always had it. she’s had ***. lots of it. and likes talking about it.
i told her about the ******* i got in college, and she was excited. i told her it was only one *******, and i didn’t like the feeling if it, but i actually liked eating the girl out. i did that a couple times. she was glad i got some kind of *****. made her feel like i was less girl crazy. like i was capable of a hit and quit. she seemed to really like the high me. the high me was like the old me. the me she dated. the one that laughed uncontrollably. the one that didn’t care what people think. she liked the high me. high me was uncaring. which is exactly the kind of guy she’s into. in fact i got high with her ex. the guy that dicked her down all the time. the guy she’d gone down on everytime they hung out. the guy who she actually wondered about texting. and that’s who got in with me, in the back seat of her white mustang.

so there was another party, and she came over to get ready with jill.
“are you not coming!”
“no”
“come on! you gotta come! i need you there”
“ok...fine.”
“yas! partay!”
she liked to hurt me like that to
to make me think the night would be different
if i didnt exist there with her

then on the way there, she turns to jill and says. “he’s gonna come. i have to pick him up though.”
“ok,” jill said the. she turns to me, “david, she’s gonna pick up Antonio, is that cool?”
jill was in in the hurting thing too. not only did matisse tell me about her *** escapades. jill wanted to tell me about them too. she told me about matisse losing her virginity to Antonio, about how they couldn’t stop once they started. so jill decided she’d join forces with matisse that night, and get double points from hurting me. not only was jill acting like i have any kind of say on who matisse picks up, she asked me with a voice that said i was a child. she actually talked down to me like a baby. its like when you ask a baby if they want the airplane, when your gonna shove that 747 down your throat anyway.

we picked up antonio. he said hello to me. then we sat quietly as we drove to the guy who sells him ****. he was pretty rude to matisse. didnt ask her how she was doing. he was annoyed about her being annoyed at him having her drive to this dealer’s house. when he stepped out of the car, Jill was angry at him for her. You coukd tell in her eyes no matter how bad he treated her she lpved him, like i loved her, for no real apparent reason. we just love wrong people.

then finally after he got **** in his pocket. he warmed up to me and started asking me questions. we had a conversation, i dont know about what, i think **** prices. and also about his rap music. he was a soundcloud rapper you see. a true artist so to speak. at the party i was already bored. wish i never came. antonio and matisse had disappeared into a room in the house for a while, and jill was group hopping at the party. i knew not a soul. so i sat in a chair. then antonio sat next to me, and lit up a post makeout blunt. you want some? he asked. and i looked at him for a second. he wants me to take this. as a sort of gift? he wants me to say thank you, for him sleeping with the first person i thought really knew me. and you know what. i did. i thanked him immensely. and i took a fat hit. he was impressed. i was too. i was low key hyperventilating in the car but suddenly my longs were steel. and i was ****** up. the rest of the party i was just dozing out to the music in a corner sitting all alone. jill tried to get me to play beer pong but i missed the cups and table completely. i just sat there jamming out to my own broken record of a heartbreak. then Antonio came back and said
to everyone. let’s leave. this party’s wack. we’d been there for a solid few hours. i’m not sure why he didnt call it wack hours ago if thats really what he thought. but we got in matisses white mustang and drove off. since antonio was high, he got talking a lot more than before. he kept spewing ****, as if he had some grand wisdom. when really all he was saying is that life’s a game. and you gotta play it. and at the end of the day **** don’t matter. then he brought up something. something that embarassed me so much it won the lead. somehow we got on to his favorite subject, ***. i think matisse and jill were talking about jill having her virginity. and this ****** said, “what about that one guy”

“what one guy” matisse said
“that guy you mentioned. you said he’s still a ******, right”
“who are you talking about?”
“come one YOU KNOW!”
it’s me.
“i don’t know.”
jill said, “who are you talking about?”
“i don’t know NAMES. only stories.”
stories. about me. stories matisse told him about me. and my virginity.
“well we don’t know who you’re talking about if you won’t say who you’re talking about, like, ahha”
“you know you know. you may not know but matisse definitely knows.”
to this matisse said nothing. she knew. she knew she told him about me being a ******. about me grabbing her hand. about me telling her i love her on the couch. about my journals when i said i love you on my first kiss, and when i would crush on girls but have no ***** to say anything because at a young age i was taught that i’m an embarrassment when i express my feelings. but more importantly to him. i’m twenty, he’s 17. i’m a ******. and he’s ****** the girl i saved my virginity for. matisse dropped jill and i off, then drove off with antonio. she was with him all might, but came back for her stuff in the morning. then a couple weeks later. it was my birthday. 21. i did it. i made it to 21 with my v card in pristine condition. and matisse thought she’d be nice and write me a letter. it said this:



i really like the part where she says she thinks of me as a best friend. i’ve got friends but they don’t mock me for being a ******. they don’t even care. they want to know me, not my *** life. they write me letters because they actually care, not because they realized they embarassed you about being a ****** and this is their weak half assed attempt at an apology. she wrote the birthday card about 5 minutes before giving it to me. i remember looking at the creases in the paper, not even bothered to be perfectly straight like the letter i had given her when i graduated. i threw her letter away. no need for her happy wishes. she blew out all my candles. i kind of hate her. and myself for liking her. she’s not anything special. just a potato in a giant sack of potatoes. she likes dirt. she gave antonio dirt on me. which he used to make a fool of me. put me in my place. away from his girl. and honestly. i needed that. matisse was always too nice to me. she acted like a was a fragile thing, that if you didn’t pretend to care about would go “girl crazy”. quite the opposite im as crazy as anyone that believed in love. im crazy because i listened to signs of god instead of my own guts that said she just wants to **** someone other than me while im in college. well now that i met him, i cant help but love him for officially embarrassing me so much to the point where i really don’t care. not about him and his dumb rap, or you and your bad singing. none of this ******* matters. life’s too ******* short to care, to get embarrassed. literally nobody actually cares about me. so i need to not care about anybody else.
i cried reading this because it all seems so crystal clear looking back. don’t erase you past because it’s embarrassing. express it somehow. even this vigorously if you must. rant as best as you can because it will lead you back to reality.
4d · 62
1/18/19
Hg 4d
you shattered my heart
into a million art pieces

at first had the thought
that’s why my readers liked it

that they must like you
seeing you the same way that i did

or maybe they too
have had a love that’s one sided
Notes from my phone ☎️
this is less wordy and easier to read
i actually vibe with this one
4d · 22
9/17/18
Hg 4d
ever kept a coat
that didn’t fit
still hung up
in the cabinet

ever rolled your own
cigarette
from a cancerous
relationship

spliffing sadness
in your cigs
taking melodramatic
hits

until you get
the guts to quit
and leave the coat
just like they did

ever had
a year go fast
the chemo worked
and killed the past

you even think
life’s going right
until a stranger
passes by

and for a split
millisecond
the empty hanger
in your ribs

rattles as you’re
breathing in
a familiar
carcinogen

have you ever
caught a whiff
like a grenade
of fragrances

exploding moments
that you’ve missed
and pheromones
you used to kiss
*** *** poo poo check 💩
remember people said that
it was a meme ok!!
4d · 40
9/16/18
Hg 4d
i messed up
putting all the wood
in the campfire
thinking we were staying
awake all night
but you packed and left me here

now i walk back and forth from the river
filling cartons and cartons of water

i’ve doused the wood eight times already
but the embers still burn inside their bodies
wow sometimes just the way you solve problems can be poetic and descriptive of your state at that time
4d · 48
9/14/18
Hg 4d
i asked the witch
for a cold brew
she asked my name
i asked her too

and after work
we cooked a stew
boiled tongues
and toes and chewed

on our ears
until the moon
rose and glowed
an opal blue

she cast a spell
i cast one too
we cursed ourselves
as lovers do
Notes

I was really into witches ok
m sister talked about harry potter all the time
4d · 29
9/13/18
Hg 4d
it’s finally a time
when i don’t have to lie
when we’re actually friends
having a good time
together we smoke
we look at the stars
play with traffic cones
climb the monkey bars

it’s so complicated
to describe
must seem weird
to the naked eye
that she’s in the stories
i’m trying to write

i write poetry from
my memories
and she’s in most the interesting ones
the ones full of intense emotions
those ones get more praise i have noticed
however the feelings are trapped within the page
they did not exist beyond it
Notes

lol this was on my birthday 🥳
sun Virgo, moon Aquarius, rising Pisces
4d · 28
Notes 9/1/18
Hg 4d
she was cold yet sweet
like a soft-served dream
she was tall petite
scooped her off her feet

laughter echoing
in the empty streets
made them less empty
having her with me

she was there for me
i was her phone screen
she was everything
then i had to leave

we were only teens
innocent naïve
faces with acne
eating ice cream

see she wanted me
to live freely
to experiment
in university

it wasn’t easy
she screamed i screamed
but eventually
i dropped my ice cream

used to hold her close
in my arms melting
now my arms feel weak
with cavities

used to write journals
that i let her read
now i write these things
that she’ll never see

now i overthink
drinking whiskey
it’s cold yet sweet
but not the same
Notes from iPhone 5
Hg 4d
I stumbled upon your insta
You were absolutely beautiful
So dreamy and yet not superficial
and I touched myself to your vsco

A couple years later and I was
Done with the drugs and the highs
Worked hard but still was a lost boy
so I Prayed to God for a humble surprise

Then I saw you on tinder
and when we matched I felt alive
I told my dreams and how you could fit in
Because you were a dream in real life

I know that I go girl crazy
I don’t know why I feel so alone
I tried to let go of the idea of the one
But when I saw you I was home

I wish I didn’t think like this
Wish my family was more normal
My siblings and friends don’t want to hear this
So I stay silent about it all

I wish I told you about me
there’s so much I want you to hear
I try to say it now but it doesn’t come out
believing that you’ll never care

I want to be with you
I feel so guilty for wishing this
Your boyfriend seems nice I hope you loves you a lot
In the end I respect your choices

It’s so stupid to even think
That I knew you in the slightest
We spent only a few hours together
Perhaps my mother was right

She says my type is the waif girl
The neglected abandoned person
When I look at you without lust or love
I see you just like to have fun

If that was all that I was to you
Something to do while you can
I guess I have to be content with the fact
But a part of me wants to fight again

If I could pull a gatsby
Which I believe that I could
It would take years to be confident
and know I could give you what’s good

Is my love even real
could it all just be a trick
If I studied science I’d know more
and maybe somehow I could get over this

As much as I do not want to
admit emotionally defeat
I’m tired of stalking your insta and vsco
but where’s another reason to eat
4d · 49
Girl Crazy 🙄
Hg 4d
I stumbled upon your insta
You were absolutely beautiful
So dreamy and yet not superficial
and I touched myself to your vsco

A couple years later and I was
Done with the drugs and the highs
Worked hard but still was a lost boy
so I Prayed to God for a humble surprise

Then I saw you on tinder
and when we matched I felt alive
I told my dreams and how you could fit in
Because you were a dream in real life

I know that I go girl crazy
I don’t know why I feel so alone
I tried to let go of the idea of the one
But when I saw you I was home

I wish I didn’t think like this
Wish my family was more normal
My siblings and friends don’t want to hear this
So I stay silent about it all

I wish I told you about me
there’s so much I want you to hear
I try to say it now but it doesn’t come out
believing that you’ll never care

I want to be with you
I feel so guilty for wishing this
Your boyfriend seems nice
I hope he loves you a lot
In the end I respect your choices

It’s so stupid to even think
That I knew you in the slightest
We spent only a few hours together
Perhaps my mother was right

She says my type is the waif girl
The neglected abandoned person
When I look at you without lust or love
I see you just like to have fun

If that was all that I was to you
Something to do while you can
I guess I have to be content with the fact
But a part of me wants to fight again

If I could pull a gatsby
Which I believe that I could
It would take years to be confident
and know I could give you what’s good

Is my love even real
could it all just be a trick
If I studied science I’d know more
and maybe somehow I could get over this

As much as I do not want to
admit emotionally defeat
I’m tired of stalking your insta and vsco
but where’s another reason to eat
Hg
Hg 4d
Was I too rough
or just not enough
That was my chance
and I messed it up

Wish I did more
wish I said less
Is this your voice
still in my head

When I woke up
to stars on your back
All I thought was
why are you perfect?
About S
Nov 2020
W
Hg Nov 2020
W
I once befriended an INFJ, W. I asked her type while we walked up a flight of stairs we would walk up and down everyday for the next school year. It was all thanks to michaela duncason. I somehow became acquainted with her, perhaps because i thought she was beautiful. She was an INFP, however and I was fixed in only saying my opposite type. She invited me to hang out with some people that lived near her dorm. It turned out to be a bit of a **** show. We took the bus to the beach, some guys used my backpack to hide the alcohol. None of us even drank it. I brought my ukulele and played some songs I wrote. They were really cringe. Extremely childish. But so was I. I couldn’t see past my own weirdness then. I was in the ignorant stage of grief. Back home was a bigger **** show you see. Looking back I’m at fault for bringing that same energy to Michaela and friends. Gosh if only I had been as honest as she was. She was so brave for collecting her whole dorm floor to hang. I stopped talking to Michaela, because the other girls didn’t like her as much, the main other girl being Willa. She went to private school in Maine, and knew things I never even heard about. She could probably see right through my fake asexuality that I told Michaela I had. In reality I just felt too numb to love people. To numb to care about ***. I was severely underweight but was carrying a past of trauma and jerking off to cope emotionally. I didn’t ******* at first in college, it was my second in school, I had just transferred to the University of San Francisco and was 20 years old. People didn’t like it when I said that. They called me old. That really hurt. Part of the reason I didn’t like going back to school after I dropped out that same year. Even though there were 30 year olds in my classes, I still felt too old and uncool to approach the people I admired and respected.

So there I was with W. We quickly got along, perhaps by her own doing. I was extremely awkward. So silent that everybody wondered what I was thinking. Around her my shell shattered. She was so honest about everything. I realized I wasn’t asexual, when I started to get a feeling in my chest. Could she be the one I thought, assessing her from day one. I chose instead to continue my asexual charade and become nothing to her but a good friend. It would still return in moments. We would be eating food together and I’d be really happy. She’d try to get me to open up but I refused every time. I’d carry her groceries, and hold all her things in my backpack. One time on a hike she liked a large rock, and she asked me to carry it. She watched a movie in my bed. It was a gay film but I didn’t hate it. Looking back people probably that it was weird that two of my favorite films were call my by your name and moonlight. I’d just never seen movies that related to the way I loved someone, quietly and from afar, almost like a secret. The only thing about secrets is that they multiply. Being traumatized was my first secret. Being heterosexual was my second. Being girl crazy was my third. Liking Willa was my fourth. But then a fifth came along in shape of a sweet and funny girl from Los Angeles. She loved on the opposite hall of Willa. She became my friend, and was an art major. I kind of thought her bestie was attractive, but then again everyone was attractive at that school. 70 percent of the school was women. And though I flirted with a few/awkwardly got to know them and didn’t ask them out because I was too nervous to. I didn’t even try to get with this LA girl. W disliked this girl. She would joke and saying she’s taking me away from W’s friendgroup. Truthfully I had way more openness and synergy with The LA girls. I was really getting close enough to open up to them, potentially, if this hadn’t happened. One day she told me she broke up with her boyfriend.  I comforted her as a friend and meant in all honesty she should distract herself and watch Stranger Things Season 2. I can’t remember why i liked the show. I think I had typed the characters personalities or something. But then she asked to watch it with me the next day. I said of course, only expecting to comfort a friend. She showed up at my dorm room in nothing but underwear. W was right, she was a little off. But even still I let her in. Half way through the episode we started to make out. I had never shared a kiss before, it was rather shocking how much I enjoyed it. Once I started kissing her I almost couldn’t stop. We kissed for probably five hours, and after that I was hooked. So this is what it’s like. Well I’m definitely not asexual. In the back of my mind I knew I didn’t want to be with this girl, but I didn’f know how to come out as straight to W. So I settled for this situation. Of going up to her dorm for a week straight and kissing her all over. She wanted to go further but I said I didn’t want that. I found out then that I would rather save it for someone special. It felt so rude to say no, like telling her she wasn’t attractive enough or something. It’s just that I didn’f like her like that. I was suddenly so toxic. An absolute disgrace to my gentleman demeanor I worked so hard to pretend to have. In reality I was a bit of a freak myself. I couldn’t approach my teacher with a question most of the time.

So after I abruptly tore any relations to both LA girls, and losing their friendship with me, I had another secret to carry. I hung alone more with W, even slept in bed next to her one time during a trip to Yosemite. I really thought she was precious. But a pieces of me were all over. A part of me hated being related to my family. A part of me hated still caring about Tc. A part of me was ashamed for being a toxic guy to LA girl. I had to make sure to be sweet to W and protect her from my mistakes. So I played aloof, acted dumb around her. I wasn’t dumb actually, just uninformed and preoccupied with depression and secrets. When I went home for spring break, she gave me her beanie to hold on to. It smelled like her hair. I might have masturbated to the smell dude. Really weird **** I did man. I was down bad back then. So I flew home with it own, but took it off when I got to the desert. Tc was at my house, hanging out with my “sister”. She’s the one who just lives with me because her older sister had a baby with my brother. Her family was so neglectful poor they let her live in my house with my crazy mom and her ****** offender husband. Tc played with my hair, asked to borrow my clothes, took me out to parties. She told me about her first time having *** and how she couldn’t stop once she started. I think I fully snapped at that point. I had never had this much angst before. I still was obsessed with Tc. I still was angry at the way my mother raised me to know none unsuccessful and tolerated my lack of effort and happiness. I was confused about W. Did she like me secretly too? Why did I still want Tc. Why did I like the way she moved. I put on that beanie again as aI flew home. It hit me then that I really do like W, but perhaps it was just another way to cope. I asked W to hang out when I got back in town. She and I went back to the beach where we had first met.

This time we had fun, we played and dodged the waves. We climbed a whole cliff, and it reminded her when her brother and her would adventure and climb crazy dangerous things. She asks about my family. I told her a part of my story. I told her how angry I was at my mom for marrying a *** offender. I told her my father was one too. I told her I was glad to not have known him and that he was gone now. That was all I could share.

After that, I avoided her. Tc was in my brain now. Even though she had told me all about the other guys, I couldn’t help but hope that she was really still attracted to me. I let myself go girl crazy for a month. I stopped doing work. I just cried in my dorm. My roommate tried to help. I didn’t eat and I lost weight. I only went out late for chipotle. I ran out of money in my bank, and didn’t have anymore credits for school food. So I didn’t eat for a couple days. I was obsessed with thinking of Tc. I wrote songs in the stairways. As I failed my classes I considered finding a way on top of the building, and leaping off of it. I was sure it was tall enough. But I instantly regretted that thought. I loved my siblings too much. I texted my sister Julie. I told her about my problems. All my sisters have venmoed me money and with that I started to eat again. I stopped being a vegetarian. I had become one thanks to W’a veganism. I failed a couple classes. But I did the work to pass the others. My GPA dropped to 2.0. I was talking to the counselor’s for free but I didn’t open up to them. I only talked about Tc. I went home with a letter saying you loser you failed never come back. My every hope had left me then. But I was back ready to party. So I partied with Tc. Convinced it was meant to be. That dropping out of college would lead to her loving me. I was wrong oh so wrong. I watched as she fell for more ****** guys. I eventually stopped going out with her. I was ******* than those jocks I suppose. I stayed cooped up and got two jobs. I made money and went back to school. I read poetry often, then my coworker showed me some drugs. I started to smoke and drink. I would hang out with a dealer and ******* addict. I wanted to help them. But instead I persisted their bad behavior.

I visited San Francisco one a random weekend. I saw my roommate and slept at W’s. I accidentally dropped a ****** out of my pocket. I don’t know if she believed me when I told her my friend just gave it to me before I left. I never bought condoms or even had ***. Perhaps she could tell that. We smoked a cigarette one night and took instax photos of each other under a pink blossoming tree. She was beautiful but I didn’t tell her. Instead I went back to the drugs and the desert.

I kept trying to go connect with girls at parties, but I was too messed up I threw up in bushes. Eventually did too much ******* one night I had a full blown panic attack. I was imagining the dogs on me were eating me alive, and I was really a mummy in a unearthed tomb. I had visions of my heart stopping and a single cell that somehow used string theory to create another universe where I didn’t die that night. He did this by sacrificing himself, and in doing so saved his girlfriend heart cell. It was really weird. I opened my eyes and felt alive again. I picked up my phone out of fear of dying and texted W, I love you. It was insane and she told me I needed to calm down. She said maybe one day if we ever live close to each other.

I gave up drugs, as well as talking. I still didn’t know what my problem was. So I was set on being quiet until I figured it out. The last party I went to I just sat there silently. Good thing I did too because one girl got hammered and her friends needed me drove them home since I was sober.

I still had THC blocking my receptors. So that night I thought about how personality types could be compared to greek gods. And your type could be like your ruling God or Goddess. It was so dumb. But it came up because the party started talking about star signs. I was virgo with aquarius moon and rising pisces. Mercury was in retrograde, and my Hg poetry side was convinced that I was the cool mysterious guy. One girl was hitting on me and I avoided her as much as I could. I hated being hit on back then. It was always about them not me. And usually when I didn’t give any attention to them either so it was most likely toxic.

I finally stopped feeling high after a month. I had to quit one of my jobs because I was depressed and stopped showing up. I left the coffee shop too, suddenly inspired to become Hg again on this website, and tell all about my journies. I never got started on that though. I joined school again to study some poetry, and english, but dropped and failed those classes too. Instead of looking for a job I tried to solve my depression by going to barnes and noble daily and reading science magazines. I read about chemicals that control love and affection. I didn’t absorb any information though. Then I picked up a book on quantum physics. If interested me, since I had a fear of string theory and alternate realities. This stemmed from that night I had a panic attack after snorting ******* and getting high while watching the movie Mr. Nobody. The addict kept offering and I kept inhaling. I was so messed up I was imagining a ******* with the addict and their girlfriend. I said I’m going to bed and when I did I remembered. Tc lives not but two houses down from here. After that the panic attack got progressively worse. And before that incident I had tried DMT, Shrooms, and Salvia. All were terrible experiences that messed with my mental chemistry at the time enough to make me dream with my eyes open. On my DMT trip I saw dogs for what they were, pests that evolved to look cute. I really felt weird around dogs because that trip. I was so high for 30 seconds, which is how long a DMT trip lasts really, time literally chops into bits of information, and you go unconscious. Then I looked at my friend and hey threw up. Their dog instantly started eating it. How disgusting.

I couldn’f write poetry about this I concluded in my head. I thought nobody would want to read this. It would glorify the experience to use pretty rhymes and ****.

So back to quantum physics. I read that book, 101 things to know about quantum physics and I was really falling back into those experiences for a moment. It revived a sense that the world might have magic in it. Then I saw S on Bumble. I prayed to math with her and when I did I considered it a miracle. She didn’t make the first move in 24 hours, as a girl has to do on bumble, so once 21 hours past I found an option to restore the match for another day. Then she made a move. We got talking and I got crazy fast. Talking about moving to france with her, thinking this was like flirty talking. I didn’t take it seriously, I was just saying anything. I guess I’ve already talked about what happened next with S. After her I didn’t think of Tc, or W for a long while. Now I can at least tell that part of my story a little. I’m getting more comfortable. I hope this leases to more wisdom and self awareness. I need confidence that the past wasn’t completely awful.
Wolfram / Tungsten
The strongest naturally occurring metal on Earth.
Oct 2018 · 6.9k
a natural
Hg Oct 2018
she was quite the actor
always on a role

lights camera affection
putting on a show

she was quite the model
never had to pose

every lie a candid
such a natural
©Hg
Sep 2018 · 3.8k
flavor
Hg Sep 2018
i like
the dark girls
that look cold
and read

ones with
their feelings
at zero
degrees

ones
that act ******
but not really
mean

pretty
with acne
like sprinkles
of pink

then
i met her
and she chattered
my teeth

i scooped her up
off of her
melting
knees

took her
for ice cream
to show her
she’s sweet

held her
too close
i got chest
cavities

she was
my flavor
from what
i could see

hair
yellow gold
and body
petite

and when
she laughed
her gums
showed their pinks

she
hated that
and she hated
to read

it’s kind of
weird
but it’s also
funny

her
mom
was my teacher
in elementary

she taught me
science
to write
and to read

then
i grew up
and her daughter
taught me

taught me
to live
and enjoy
frozen treats

taught me
to love
and what love
means to me

part of me
loves her
but she’ll
never see

cause she
was my flavor
but she
never reads
©Hg

(a better version of an old idea)
Aug 2018 · 6.4k
flask
Hg Aug 2018
i’m friends with a chemist
she always got a flask

now she got a heartache
and a faded henna tat

lately i’ve been lonely
and she’s been really sad

so we took to the roof
we took the ***** threw it back

her finger has a tan line
but we don’t mention it

i can’t hold down my liquor
or my laughter so i spit

she chugs it like it’s water
she’s got those russian genes

the only thing i got in blood
are zits and heart disease

the sips leaks out her lips
like cracks within a dam

some drip onto her wrists
rubbing the henna off her hand

i make a drunk comment
on her spiral designs

she says they’re meant to bring
good luck and blessings to the bride

and then she paused the night
by tightening her lips

our hearts beat in silence
our hair swayed in the wind

till suddenly she cracked
her bottled up emotions

poured out what she felt
for years though never yet had spoken

**** love dude, she whispered
**** weddings and white dresses

let him go and **** all of
those delta gamma *******

i looked down at the ground
as a crack of thunder rolled

she looked up to the sky and said
love’s just a chemical

she handed me the flask
while clouds went pink to grey

the truth fell on my head
or was it just drop of rain

just a chemical
is that all that it is

our bodies be like flasks
our love just reaction
©Hg
Aug 2018 · 205
flask
Hg Aug 2018
i’m friends with a chemist
she always got a flask

now she got a heartache
and a faded henna tat

lately she's been lonely
and feeling pretty sad

so we climbed to the roof
we took the ***** threw it back

her finger has a tan line
but we don’t mention it

i can’t hold down my liquor
or my laughter so i spit

she takes it like it’s water
she’s got those russian genes

the only thing i got in blood
are zits and heart disease

her sips leak out her lips
like cracks within a dam

some dripped onto her wrists
rubbing the henna off her hands

i made a drunk comment
on her spiral designs

she says they’re meant to bring
good luck and blessings to the bride

and then she paused the night
by tightening her lips

our feet just dangled there
hanging from the house’s edge

when suddenly she cracked
her bottles of emotions

poured out what she feels
in tears and words she hasn't spoken

**** love dude she whispered
**** weddings and white dresses

**** me for ever thinking
he was ever something different

she looked down at the ground
as a crack of thunder rolled

she looked up at the clouds and said
love’s just a chemical

she handed me the flask
then i took the final swig

as it began to rain a thought
was flooding in my head

love’s just a chemical
and that’s all it’s ever been

our bodies are just flasks
and love’s just a reaction
©Hg
Aug 2018 · 97.5k
needle
Hg Aug 2018
wri
ting is
threading
your           life
thro             ugh
a ne           edle
and         if
you sew
secrets
you'll
get
po
ke
d
a
l
i
t
t
l
e
.
©Hg
Aug 2018 · 30.2k
sculpture
Hg Aug 2018
i can
sculpt
her lips
and the way
they close

i can
carve
her voice
and the way
it moans

i can
play
her pulse
on a
piano

but i can’t
change
a heart
that’s made
of stone
©Hg
Aug 2018 · 36.6k
jokes
Hg Aug 2018
from the rose under her nose
a cloud of smoke made its escape

**** girl where you from, i asked
planet of the vapes?

a slow and hateful eye roll
traveled across the room

your jokes are the worst you know
you’re lucky that you’re cute
©Hg
Jul 2018 · 10.3k
first high
Hg Jul 2018
take me back
to the first high

to the first time
that she and i

sparked a bit
of indica

euphoria
dilated eyes

take more hits
to revisit

before we split
to separate lives

take me backwards
reverse time

to my first love
to my first high
©Hg
Jun 2018 · 5.2k
to start a fire
Hg Jun 2018
we’re rubbing our twigs together
trying to make flames
but instead of that
we’re scraping back
our bark revealing rings

and things that we’re not proud of
times we thought we passed
struggling to hug
with ****** knives
stuck in our backs

we’re just two wounded people
trying to start a fire
using wood
already burned
from the last scorching desire
©Hg
Jun 2018 · 7.4k
2:22
Hg Jun 2018
there were 2 at 2:22
1 was me and 1 was you

we took the night to pick our brains
open our thoughts and share our pains

you said you'd wear 2 pairs of jeans
cause kids thought you were too skinny

i said i think that love's a trick
cause everybody falls for it

you said you don’t know til you try
i said that is exactly why
 
then you read words within a prose
to my surprise they’re ones you wrote
 
i said i write poetry too
when i don’t know what else to do
 
cause paper is weightless, harmless, dead
and pain weighs less outside your head
 
there were 2 at 2:22
the exact time of when i knew
 
1 and 1 could make us 2
but fall again i cannot do

i’m sorry if at all it hurt
when i left without a word
©Hg
Jun 2018 · 709
amphibian
Hg Jun 2018
little frog
from a little town
dreamed one day
to hop around

he played in sand
in rain, in mud
but he's older now
he's all grown up

momma frog
had a gentle soul
she took care
of eight tadpoles

dadda frog
was the rotten one
i'd squash him now
if he weren't gone

step father frog
was quite the suitor
till i learned he’s
a *** offender

us little frogs
from the lily pad
never had
any normal dad

we all hide
what we feel inside
cause amphibian
means double life

momma frog
had a gentle soul
she did her best
but i gotta go

this little frog
won't be around
this lily pad
this little town
©Hg
Jun 2018 · 7.3k
placebo
Hg Jun 2018
she reminds me
of the pills i take

her tongue leaves my tongue
with an aftertaste

i might just overdose
on that pretty face

after all love’s a drug
even if it’s fake
©Hg
Jun 2018 · 15.2k
*✧ seeing stars ✧*
Hg Jun 2018
i keep on seeing stars
as freckles
on people's faces

i ask them ain't it cool
that you were born
with constellations?

but some have just as
many spots as
insecurities

they think they need
make up to cover up
their galaxies

like one person I know
looks like ice cream
that's been peppered

the dots on her arm
come from her grandma
who's a leopard

but she tells me that
she hates them
she calls them imperfections

cause back in school
kids mocked her for
her speckled complexion

a bully
named georgina
used to call her a giraffe

the boys joined in
and even then
her friends began to laugh

internalizing this
as a black hole
inside her mind

the planets
of her confidence
had never been aligned

then a tear fell down her cheek
she sniffled
and shivered

i’d never seen her sad
didn't what to do
so I poked her

poked her face to show
my favorite star
below her eye

told her when we speak
it's like i'm talking
to the sky

and every time she blinks
that freckle vanishes
from sight

so every time she cries
a star goes missing
from the night

shame is taught
to many of us
at such an early age

comparing our looks
to everyone
as if we're made the same

girl you are spectacular
no matter of
heredity

your tears are shooting stars
made of cosmic ice
and chemistry

now i thought that that was clever
but saying that
was DUMB

cause as I'm seeing stars
she says she’s been
seeing someone

yeah Ice Cream's
got a boyfriend
right now he's just away

i should have seen
that coming from
a mile milky way

you wish upon a star
to find someone
that’s wishing too

maybe one day
i’ll meet that one
but i wished it was you

i gotta say goodbye
i guess it ain’t
the time or space

it just ain't right
that every night
i still will see your face
©Hg

— The End —