I once befriended an INFJ, W. I asked her type while we walked up a flight of stairs we would walk up and down everyday for the next school year. It was all thanks to michaela duncason. I somehow became acquainted with her, perhaps because i thought she was beautiful. She was an INFP, however and I was fixed in only saying my opposite type. She invited me to hang out with some people that lived near her dorm. It turned out to be a bit of a **** show. We took the bus to the beach, some guys used my backpack to hide the alcohol. None of us even drank it. I brought my ukulele and played some songs I wrote. They were really cringe. Extremely childish. But so was I. I couldn’t see past my own weirdness then. I was in the ignorant stage of grief. Back home was a bigger **** show you see. Looking back I’m at fault for bringing that same energy to Michaela and friends. Gosh if only I had been as honest as she was. She was so brave for collecting her whole dorm floor to hang. I stopped talking to Michaela, because the other girls didn’t like her as much, the main other girl being Willa. She went to private school in Maine, and knew things I never even heard about. She could probably see right through my fake asexuality that I told Michaela I had. In reality I just felt too numb to love people. To numb to care about ***. I was severely underweight but was carrying a past of trauma and jerking off to cope emotionally. I didn’t ******* at first in college, it was my second in school, I had just transferred to the University of San Francisco and was 20 years old. People didn’t like it when I said that. They called me old. That really hurt. Part of the reason I didn’t like going back to school after I dropped out that same year. Even though there were 30 year olds in my classes, I still felt too old and uncool to approach the people I admired and respected.
So there I was with W. We quickly got along, perhaps by her own doing. I was extremely awkward. So silent that everybody wondered what I was thinking. Around her my shell shattered. She was so honest about everything. I realized I wasn’t asexual, when I started to get a feeling in my chest. Could she be the one I thought, assessing her from day one. I chose instead to continue my asexual charade and become nothing to her but a good friend. It would still return in moments. We would be eating food together and I’d be really happy. She’d try to get me to open up but I refused every time. I’d carry her groceries, and hold all her things in my backpack. One time on a hike she liked a large rock, and she asked me to carry it. She watched a movie in my bed. It was a gay film but I didn’t hate it. Looking back people probably that it was weird that two of my favorite films were call my by your name and moonlight. I’d just never seen movies that related to the way I loved someone, quietly and from afar, almost like a secret. The only thing about secrets is that they multiply. Being traumatized was my first secret. Being heterosexual was my second. Being girl crazy was my third. Liking Willa was my fourth. But then a fifth came along in shape of a sweet and funny girl from Los Angeles. She loved on the opposite hall of Willa. She became my friend, and was an art major. I kind of thought her bestie was attractive, but then again everyone was attractive at that school. 70 percent of the school was women. And though I flirted with a few/awkwardly got to know them and didn’t ask them out because I was too nervous to. I didn’t even try to get with this LA girl. W disliked this girl. She would joke and saying she’s taking me away from W’s friendgroup. Truthfully I had way more openness and synergy with The LA girls. I was really getting close enough to open up to them, potentially, if this hadn’t happened. One day she told me she broke up with her boyfriend. I comforted her as a friend and meant in all honesty she should distract herself and watch Stranger Things Season 2. I can’t remember why i liked the show. I think I had typed the characters personalities or something. But then she asked to watch it with me the next day. I said of course, only expecting to comfort a friend. She showed up at my dorm room in nothing but underwear. W was right, she was a little off. But even still I let her in. Half way through the episode we started to make out. I had never shared a kiss before, it was rather shocking how much I enjoyed it. Once I started kissing her I almost couldn’t stop. We kissed for probably five hours, and after that I was hooked. So this is what it’s like. Well I’m definitely not asexual. In the back of my mind I knew I didn’t want to be with this girl, but I didn’f know how to come out as straight to W. So I settled for this situation. Of going up to her dorm for a week straight and kissing her all over. She wanted to go further but I said I didn’t want that. I found out then that I would rather save it for someone special. It felt so rude to say no, like telling her she wasn’t attractive enough or something. It’s just that I didn’f like her like that. I was suddenly so toxic. An absolute disgrace to my gentleman demeanor I worked so hard to pretend to have. In reality I was a bit of a freak myself. I couldn’t approach my teacher with a question most of the time.
So after I abruptly tore any relations to both LA girls, and losing their friendship with me, I had another secret to carry. I hung alone more with W, even slept in bed next to her one time during a trip to Yosemite. I really thought she was precious. But a pieces of me were all over. A part of me hated being related to my family. A part of me hated still caring about Tc. A part of me was ashamed for being a toxic guy to LA girl. I had to make sure to be sweet to W and protect her from my mistakes. So I played aloof, acted dumb around her. I wasn’t dumb actually, just uninformed and preoccupied with depression and secrets. When I went home for spring break, she gave me her beanie to hold on to. It smelled like her hair. I might have masturbated to the smell dude. Really weird **** I did man. I was down bad back then. So I flew home with it own, but took it off when I got to the desert. Tc was at my house, hanging out with my “sister”. She’s the one who just lives with me because her older sister had a baby with my brother. Her family was so neglectful poor they let her live in my house with my crazy mom and her ****** offender husband. Tc played with my hair, asked to borrow my clothes, took me out to parties. She told me about her first time having *** and how she couldn’t stop once she started. I think I fully snapped at that point. I had never had this much angst before. I still was obsessed with Tc. I still was angry at the way my mother raised me to know none unsuccessful and tolerated my lack of effort and happiness. I was confused about W. Did she like me secretly too? Why did I still want Tc. Why did I like the way she moved. I put on that beanie again as aI flew home. It hit me then that I really do like W, but perhaps it was just another way to cope. I asked W to hang out when I got back in town. She and I went back to the beach where we had first met.
This time we had fun, we played and dodged the waves. We climbed a whole cliff, and it reminded her when her brother and her would adventure and climb crazy dangerous things. She asks about my family. I told her a part of my story. I told her how angry I was at my mom for marrying a *** offender. I told her my father was one too. I told her I was glad to not have known him and that he was gone now. That was all I could share.
After that, I avoided her. Tc was in my brain now. Even though she had told me all about the other guys, I couldn’t help but hope that she was really still attracted to me. I let myself go girl crazy for a month. I stopped doing work. I just cried in my dorm. My roommate tried to help. I didn’t eat and I lost weight. I only went out late for chipotle. I ran out of money in my bank, and didn’t have anymore credits for school food. So I didn’t eat for a couple days. I was obsessed with thinking of Tc. I wrote songs in the stairways. As I failed my classes I considered finding a way on top of the building, and leaping off of it. I was sure it was tall enough. But I instantly regretted that thought. I loved my siblings too much. I texted my sister Julie. I told her about my problems. All my sisters have venmoed me money and with that I started to eat again. I stopped being a vegetarian. I had become one thanks to W’a veganism. I failed a couple classes. But I did the work to pass the others. My GPA dropped to 2.0. I was talking to the counselor’s for free but I didn’t open up to them. I only talked about Tc. I went home with a letter saying you loser you failed never come back. My every hope had left me then. But I was back ready to party. So I partied with Tc. Convinced it was meant to be. That dropping out of college would lead to her loving me. I was wrong oh so wrong. I watched as she fell for more ****** guys. I eventually stopped going out with her. I was ******* than those jocks I suppose. I stayed cooped up and got two jobs. I made money and went back to school. I read poetry often, then my coworker showed me some drugs. I started to smoke and drink. I would hang out with a dealer and ******* addict. I wanted to help them. But instead I persisted their bad behavior.
I visited San Francisco one a random weekend. I saw my roommate and slept at W’s. I accidentally dropped a ****** out of my pocket. I don’t know if she believed me when I told her my friend just gave it to me before I left. I never bought condoms or even had ***. Perhaps she could tell that. We smoked a cigarette one night and took instax photos of each other under a pink blossoming tree. She was beautiful but I didn’t tell her. Instead I went back to the drugs and the desert.
I kept trying to go connect with girls at parties, but I was too messed up I threw up in bushes. Eventually did too much ******* one night I had a full blown panic attack. I was imagining the dogs on me were eating me alive, and I was really a mummy in a unearthed tomb. I had visions of my heart stopping and a single cell that somehow used string theory to create another universe where I didn’t die that night. He did this by sacrificing himself, and in doing so saved his girlfriend heart cell. It was really weird. I opened my eyes and felt alive again. I picked up my phone out of fear of dying and texted W, I love you. It was insane and she told me I needed to calm down. She said maybe one day if we ever live close to each other.
I gave up drugs, as well as talking. I still didn’t know what my problem was. So I was set on being quiet until I figured it out. The last party I went to I just sat there silently. Good thing I did too because one girl got hammered and her friends needed me drove them home since I was sober.
I still had THC blocking my receptors. So that night I thought about how personality types could be compared to greek gods. And your type could be like your ruling God or Goddess. It was so dumb. But it came up because the party started talking about star signs. I was virgo with aquarius moon and rising pisces. Mercury was in retrograde, and my Hg poetry side was convinced that I was the cool mysterious guy. One girl was hitting on me and I avoided her as much as I could. I hated being hit on back then. It was always about them not me. And usually when I didn’t give any attention to them either so it was most likely toxic.
I finally stopped feeling high after a month. I had to quit one of my jobs because I was depressed and stopped showing up. I left the coffee shop too, suddenly inspired to become Hg again on this website, and tell all about my journies. I never got started on that though. I joined school again to study some poetry, and english, but dropped and failed those classes too. Instead of looking for a job I tried to solve my depression by going to barnes and noble daily and reading science magazines. I read about chemicals that control love and affection. I didn’t absorb any information though. Then I picked up a book on quantum physics. If interested me, since I had a fear of string theory and alternate realities. This stemmed from that night I had a panic attack after snorting ******* and getting high while watching the movie Mr. Nobody. The addict kept offering and I kept inhaling. I was so messed up I was imagining a ******* with the addict and their girlfriend. I said I’m going to bed and when I did I remembered. Tc lives not but two houses down from here. After that the panic attack got progressively worse. And before that incident I had tried DMT, Shrooms, and Salvia. All were terrible experiences that messed with my mental chemistry at the time enough to make me dream with my eyes open. On my DMT trip I saw dogs for what they were, pests that evolved to look cute. I really felt weird around dogs because that trip. I was so high for 30 seconds, which is how long a DMT trip lasts really, time literally chops into bits of information, and you go unconscious. Then I looked at my friend and hey threw up. Their dog instantly started eating it. How disgusting.
I couldn’f write poetry about this I concluded in my head. I thought nobody would want to read this. It would glorify the experience to use pretty rhymes and ****.
So back to quantum physics. I read that book, 101 things to know about quantum physics and I was really falling back into those experiences for a moment. It revived a sense that the world might have magic in it. Then I saw S on Bumble. I prayed to math with her and when I did I considered it a miracle. She didn’t make the first move in 24 hours, as a girl has to do on bumble, so once 21 hours past I found an option to restore the match for another day. Then she made a move. We got talking and I got crazy fast. Talking about moving to france with her, thinking this was like flirty talking. I didn’t take it seriously, I was just saying anything. I guess I’ve already talked about what happened next with S. After her I didn’t think of Tc, or W for a long while. Now I can at least tell that part of my story a little. I’m getting more comfortable. I hope this leases to more wisdom and self awareness. I need confidence that the past wasn’t completely awful.
Wolfram / Tungsten
The strongest naturally occurring metal on Earth.