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I am her.
Yet, I am not.
I am the sun.
She was numb.
I am courageous.
She was nameless.
I am her.
Yet, I am not.
To my past me.
They say
'Follow your heart'
But if your heart is
In a million pieces,
Which piece do you follow?
She used to love
But now it's hate she loves
Hiding behind a mask of smiles
Her heart cold as ice
Though she breathes fire.

Her heart frowned with scars
She has her own fears
That rekindle memories
Buried for years
Like bizarre monster's
No one can help her face.
 Mar 11 Hello Daisies
Perry
Even with unkempt hair and runny mascara, you are nothing less than a work of art. You have just been in the wrong gallery.
Numb, numb to dumb.
Alls been said and done
And here we are
Standing in the rain
Sweet tears, wet pain
Fear not loved one
We'll ride this ocean
Of emotion and
Come out smiling
Fingers on the dials
Of happiness  
And warm under
The blankets of love
I can feel the way you hurt
I can see it too.
I feel the clench of your heart
Its right on cue
It happens in the dark
I can feel you

I can feel the way your skin burns
Mine does the same
Under the sun, God's laugh
A feeling that can't be tamed
I can feel you

I can feel the way your mouth stretches when you smile
My eyes crinkle at the sides
No traces of senile
The tears are gone, my breath longer divides.
I can feel you
i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"

   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"

so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"

i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"

before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"

   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."

and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
"Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
"Okay"
Is off-brand raisin bran
"Okay"
Is how you say school is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die

"Okay"
Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong

"Okay"
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
"Okay"
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
"Okay"
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
"Okay"
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
"Okay"
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
"Okay"
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
"Okay"
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
"Okay"
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"

They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
"Okay"
Okay?
 Feb 12 Hello Daisies
Ariel
She's crying one the inside
Afraid to reach out for help
Every word, she says is a silent yelp
She can't find her way
She's run out of words to say
She's hurting inside
But too afraid to let anyone in
The girl you saw today
Is honestly... Not okay
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