Numb, numb to dumb. Alls been said and done And here we are Standing in the rain Sweet tears, wet pain Fear not loved one We'll ride this ocean Of emotion and Come out smiling Fingers on the dials Of happiness And warm under The blankets of love
i don't watch home movies hate them reason being because when i was young i was looking for a movie my mother had recorded for me and accidentally put one in the vcr that i'm not sure i was supposed to see i know the obvious response "uh oh, ****" sorry to disappoint they were only marked with dates 1991 on live television montel williams asks my father "how can you just throw your child away like a piece of trash?" 1994 i spend so much time in the emergency room that my parents stop penciling in growth marks on the frame of my bedroom door i always thought it was because they believed i would never grow out of this sickness sometimes i believe the reason that they never bought me a dream catcher was because they never thought i'd live long enough to see them come true 1996 i am eliminated from a spelling bee because i didn't know the 'dad' is silent in 'family' 2013 before i got into poetry i used to do standup none of my jokes were funny one of the other comics tells me my skits are dry sometimes sad he says "why don't you joke about something like your family?" so i say "i never wore any sunblock because i didn't want anything to keep me from my father" i say "what do you call christmas without lights or heat?" before he has a chance to answer i say "1997. better yet why don't you make like a dad and leave" 2014 every time we drive past the hospital my mother reminds me how much it cost to save my life like she'd rather have her money back she doesn't have to say that sometimes she wishes it was me who had died instead of my brother i can hear it in the way she says "love you" sometimes i imagine that if i were to die that she would pick out a casket for a child because she never loved the person i became yesterday i told my father how close i'd been to suicide lately and he said "that's my boy, livin on the edge.." and i can't remember if i laughed or cried
If there was one word One word, isolated by itself That I cannot stand above all others It would have to be "Okay" I despise "Okay" "Okay" Is how your millionth day at work went "Okay" Is off-brand raisin bran "Okay" Is how you say school is going When you don't want to admit you spend Every second of it Wanting to die
"Okay" Is packed to the brim with Hidden implications Like a treasure chest Filled with bottles With little subliminal hatreds Written on tiny slips of paper Passively aggressively pushed inside To discover later As I pull out a treasure map And try to decipher Where I went wrong
"Okay" Is a one word dismissal That feels like an essay a thousand pages long "Okay" Is a poison dripping with disinterest When I dared to share with you Something I thought might make you smile "Okay" Is like trying to talk to a wall While watching the paint on it dry "Okay" Takes two seconds to write Yet I waited days For that dreaded word To grace my notifications "Okay" Should be used sparingly As if each time you send it You **** the receiver just a little bit "Okay" Should not be said so often that I know what you're about to say Like I saw it in a crystal ball "Okay" Is not looking up from your phone When I tell you about my day "Okay" Is not the proper response To "I love you"
They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred It's indifference And I can't think of a response More indifferent to pouring out My heart into your hands Than "Okay" At least the last thing you said to me Before we parted ways Showed that you cared At least a little bit "I hate you" Stung less Than the thousands of times Over our countless conversations You responded "Okay" Okay?
She's crying one the inside Afraid to reach out for help Every word, she says is a silent yelp She can't find her way She's run out of words to say She's hurting inside But too afraid to let anyone in The girl you saw today Is honestly... Not okay