My heart can not lie and say your are the one.
But I can not seem to remember how I got to loving you.

So can we please start over ?

Can you romance me all over again so I can feel the moment I fell in love with you ?
Can you write me poems again so I remember the feeling of losing my breath at the emotions they brought ?
Will you whisper those sweet words that held together the shattering glass I had become and through their utterance I could feel your heart ?
Can those long late night conversations and phone calls come to life again ? Cause I miss the smile I held while falling asleep and the sense of hope and love you brought to my world of loneliness.

Don't misintepret me when I say it all seems to be a distant memory.
What I feel is real but
A point came in my life where detachment became a way to cope.
Even in loving you I was not really there.

Perhaps I was running away from the constant pang of unworthiness that my heart beat had become ? The skeletons which kept me up at night ?
Or just the mere fear of finding something so real because I tends to "exude the illusions of perfect, yet I fail to commit. I seem to ruin anything good going for me".

But give me a chance.
Can we start over cause my heart says you're the one.

I wrote my feelings for you in neated verse,
Carefully rolled it into a blunt hoping I could get high off my feelings for you
hoping maybe the high I'd reach would reciprocate itself into you and I
but the words from that neated verse was like inhaling razors that gnawed at my passage way and once again I forgot what it is like to breathe- like when you would say
I  love you
and those words would crash into me like a relentless wave and I would drown in pleasure-
Now I was crashing, turning black-blue and battered;
slitting myself with the pieces of me I found scattered behind your shadow.  
I did not realise it but I was broken and now I am hoping someone can teach me how to puzzle.

Oh so many words with no way of forming logic
so many words trapped in confusion
So many words dying to be heard to be admired to be out gagging me but I just can't find my voice.
I just can't make it come out.

I'm alive, I'm breathing.
I walk around but I'm not really living.
Its the Pain.
I can feel it cursing through my veins with tears streaming down and staining my face.
Eroding all the life left on my face.
I've lived so long in this low I don't really know what a high feels like no more. Even in love I'm down low and mournful. Insecure and pitiful. Crazy if you ask me.

I know I have to get out this cycle but this low has stolen all my dreams like a quiet thief in the night,. Stolen my voice and I'm left with this burning desire for greatness with an empty vision. Because my dreams were too fragile , like a fetus in the womb killed by negligence and under nourishment. Or better yet ripped out by metal rods poking prodding in a ***** hidden backyard ally.

I prayed. I cry.
I believed. I cry.
I had faith. I cry.
I even used to look up to the stars and the moon.
Mostly past tense now. Because nothing ever really came out of it. My hopes became the barren womb of a woman failing to produce.
All past tense.
But I still cry as if pouring my soul into this water that leaves my body will appaul the gods enough to have pity on me. Restore my faith and recharge my halo cause its been running on reserves for so long.  As though I'll finally see the God everyone raves about. As though I'll find my destiny. But I just end up dusting my rags and bearing this load that's nearly taken my life by my own hand so many times I could feature on a comedy.

A cliche but I have a void in my heart. I tried ignoring it. Filing it with nonsensical things that always dry out. At a point I thought I'd found a solution but my heart now in pieces I learnt never to trust in a human what you can't do yourself.
I let somebody take me through the fiery lanes of hell to leave me there

Oh so many words with no way of forming logic so many words trapped in confusion so many words gagging me but I just can't find my voice.
I just can't make it come out.
So many words dying to be heard to be admired to be out.
But I'm at a loss.

A smile spreads along my face at my audacity to think I could put together a string of words and say I wrote a poem for you
To say I'm sorry and please forgive me.
I knew what I was doing but to lose your love is not what I foresaw
But sorry had become so ordinary in our love it will not soothe your soul but smash your heart again.
Your heart with the Midas touch returned all the innocence I once possessed before life stripped it away and left me naked.
I could sit here and recite a bible of soliloquies about a doubled edged sword of I love you I hate you.
But I won't.
I mutter your name in my sleep and morrow they will ask what I said and I'll look up with an iron curtain around my emotions and say a nightmare I will myself to forget.
Because you are  a constant reminder of how I infamously ruin any good that comes to me.
I am fathers daughter after all , I conceived  in a woman the joys that lit her face in the darkness and kept her fears at bay.
I took the promise of forever and obliterated the light in her eyes and walked away leaving her alone with a broken life.
And now I am barren like women who can't give birth and empty like a woman who said yes to abortion.
And I'll never know what love means

She is at a point in her life where the innocence of childhood is stripped away.

Thrown into a crazy world , where so much evil lurks , holding onto faith becomes her battle

Until all that is left is an eternity of mixed emotions

She exudes the illusions of perfect
But fails to commit

And seems to ruin anything good going for her

And screws over the one that made sense

But in her world , she dreams of a world just for two

Eloped from this hell she lives daily
Because its love, Because of the one

And she's dying for forgiveness

Because your smile is the paradise that elates her heart.

i tried
to write this poem
to tell you
and explain whats inside
but words refused to materialised
so now i'm sitting here
telling you
i tried but
i failed