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Watching as the snow covers the ground.
Turning into a beautiful white blanket
A true winter wonderland

But that's how it begins right?
When the white sets the demons come out to perform, with their instruments in tow playing the blues to bring about the darkest depression.

Heart turns cold, arteries frozen becoming ice.
This is my winter blues, so please sit down and hear my voice convey numb feelings and enjoy.

Fear motivates me, more then half the time anyway.

I fear losing love
I fear being too much
Being clingy
Being annoying
I fear being alone.

Time has always been wasted on me but to those I care about I try to give you my time as much as possible.

I don't expect anything in return or that you owe me time I just want you to know I'm there.

I get it I'm selfish, I want the girl I love all to myself, I want my family and friends to know I'm here, and I honestly just want to be loved....

This is my winter blues
The fear of losing everything
Because I don't want to be alone

Thank you for reading
I hope your day is going better then mine.

Tony Alberto Cortez
1:36 AM
I can't sleep my hearts keeping me up, an aching pain that persists.

Love can be difficult sometimes, you can get mad or irritated by the smallest things either out of jealousy or frustration.

It's not easy... no one ever said it was. I accept that and thinking about it now I'm angry at myself. I wish I was less selfish, less jealous, and less of an overthinker.

Something happened today, I'm sure she noticed.... I really love this girl, I would never betray her and I try to share with her everything that I'm feeling about her.

I try but its hard sharing feelings, to understand that I don't trust many because of demons lurking in the past.
Its difficult but love is never really easy.

So I'm sorry for yesterday I wanted to talk to you more, I don't get to see you like everyone else does.

All I've ever wanted to do was love you because behind all that love is a monster with a hollow shell of a heart.

I'm sorry

Tony Alberto Cortez
You shouldn't have to worry or doubt my love for you. I'm sorry.
In the face of pain people react in different ways.

Some of us are able to withstand, to breech the sky, to grow stronger with more pain. Almost inhuman to go beyond the limits.

Then well you have the people who go through it all, unable to cope and pain suddenly takes on a different form.

From the feeling of dozens of needles inflicted into every artery leading to the heart.
To the pain of unheard voices torn apart by invisible lies with no viable answers.

To feel helpless and watch as a family tears itself apart, a friend suddenly becomes a stranger, or a loved one betray your kindness turning into an unimaginable fear.

To be helpless, to feel pain and fear, and ultimately turning into severe paranoia and anxiety.

Then you look at yourself and you say

Nothing is wrong

I'm ok

Nothing is wrong

I'm not ok

Everything is wrong

And once you admit then you see the monster in the mirror.

Funny thing is it looks exactly like me
Exactly like you.
Lost at heart.
Sensitive mind.
Daddy issues.
A man that doesn't know me.
!7 years on this planet and now my blood has changed.
You do all you can...
To garner as much attention as you can receive.
That attention starts to become like a drug, addicting and ultimately intoxicating.

Not just any attention but the one of love where one persons focus and attention towards you stop time completely.

After some time you feel lost and uneased because without that key ingredient you lose yourself start going crazy to the point where you desperately crave it.

You think to yourself that you're unworthy, not good enough for the pain and joy of love. You start to fade into the sands of madness and decay.

Without love we all become desperate addicts looking for our next fix, else we become cold and distant while dying on the inside.
Its nights like these where the sadness sets in, amplifying the lonliness and desire for something greater.

Honestly I'm hurting on the inside, I want something to alleviate the pain yet I can't ask for it in fear of consequence.

The only thing I can hold onto is love, it keeps me warm, keeps my hope alive, and it keeps me human.
I don't know how to start this poem other then I don't feel ok

I was fine an hour ago, I'm depressed and empty. In a state of numb emotionless pain.

I hate when I'm like this, it isn't me its not Tony but it happens.

I'm calling this state "Gerhmaine"
Like X when he created Gekyume.

A state of depression yet easily hidden
A sense of numb pain followed by lack of emotion
(Gerhmaine)
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