It comes and goes in waves
The thoughts of my past
Some nights it quietly passes
While other nights my trauma will drag me down
And drown me
Telling me my identity
And screaming what I’m worth

I think my obsession with time first started when my cousin died.
I was not even 8
She wasn’t even a preteen
Yet, I was being told it was her time
From that point on I became so aware of the time passing
And every night I would go to bed
Thinking
About how much time I’m wasting
Thinking
About my future
And how time is just going so fast, and I can’t stop it.
Feeling like I have no control of my life
And I’ll just be dead soon
But to the world I won’t be a person
I’ll just be another number

They say “use your voice”
What they don’t realize is that my voice is deep within my stomach
And I cannot find it
How can I find the words to explain what I’ve been through
And how I’m feeling when I’m in fear
Fearing I’d only be laughed at
Being afraid that nobody would believe me
And only believe my abuser
How can I compete with someone who is far much older than me
Because I’m just a “child who doesn’t know what she’s talking about”
So the only friend I have is my silence
Because she understands everything I’m going through
And I don’t have to say a word to her

When I was a little girl I was told this world was filled with so much love. That with every scrape and every bruise their was a bandaid and a kiss to make it feel better.

When I was 10 years old I learned that you were sick. While it was a sickness in your body the doctors were able to treat it. From then on I learned that everything happens for a reason and that reason is to make us stronger. And everything that happens has a cure.

When I was 13 I realized that sickness was so much more. I never realized that sickness could've taken over your mind. It still doesnt seem real how at one moment a person you know so well can become an absolute stranger. You made me feel as if I was so useless. But I still stayed around. I tried everything

When I was 14 I realized that you weren't getting better. I thought there was a cure. I thought I could be the cure. Like the kiss to a scrape. All you needed was love. But I realized you didn't want my love. You were looking for something else. With your manipulative words you broke every single part of me. It's funny how kisses can only fix the outside damages but what can fix the damage on the inside? Words seem to only hurt more. You come to realize every good thing someone says to you is a complete lie. I didnt need a guy to break my heart when my own father did. The only love I ever needed from a man was from my father. It was at that moment I realized I was not lovable. If not even my caregiver for so long could love me than who possibly could?

When I was 15 I decided enough was enough. I somehow got the courage to finally cut off all ties with you. While this made me a better person I never got a closure. They say time heals all wounds which in some ways it does. I think rather in time you forget about things and push all the hurt down. Which can be a deadly game. I learned to bury my emotions for so long that I don't know what to do with them.

When I was 16 I realize that as that door is shut there is still so much hurt. Although I dont have to deal with your ******* and how worthless you made me feel I still deal with myself. The thing with mental and emotional abuse is even though the abuser may be gone... those thoughts are still always there. I still feel worthless and I dont feel as if anyone could ever love me. Some days are better than others. I believe every "I love you" means a I feel bad for you. And whenever everyone promises to always be there for me it's just a way to try and get me to trust them. What I've learned from you is every person who comes into my life I never think "I wonder IF theyll leave me" it's always "I wonder WHEN theyll leave me." I can never see myself as this great person who can accomplish anything. Even writing this poem I can only criticize it. Although this storm had passed.. the damage always remains.

When I look back on life I see how far I've come. I dont want to view myself as a broken person and I dont want anyone else to view me as a broken person either. I'm not "strong" I've just had to deal with a lot of *******. Everyone has their own problems and demons. That's just life. It's not fair, and it's not always beautiful.

Feeling this way is a feeling I cannot explain
I'm not happy
I'm not sad
I'm just living
Time is something I cannot grasp
This whole universe is way above my head
So I just sit alone with my thoughts
Just letting my feelings ******* be

I am not a person
I am whatever you classify me as
A liar
A **** up
A rule breaker
A daughter
A friend
A sister
A family member

In a world where nobody cares about WHO we are. Only WHAT we are to them

They say monsters dont exist
They are an imaginary creature
That live under your bed
But you see
Monsters are real
They live inside our heads and feed on our emotions
These monsters are our only company
So we learn to enjoy their presence
Until they take over us