Thank you.

Thank you for only talking to me when its convenient for you.
Thank you for all the nights I stayed up worrying about you.
Thank you for all of the unresponded messages and calls.
Thank you for all of the promises of non-abandonment, even though they were unfulfilled.
Thank you for the gaslighting and unsourced anger.
Thank you for the pit in my stomach saying no one can ever love me, not even as a friend.
Thank you for making me feel completely and utterly alone when I could never do the same to you.
Last but not least, Thank you, for teaching me that no one will ever be more reliant than me, no one will ever love harder or care more, no one will ever come close.
Thank you for proving to me that I AM DIFFERENT, because I allways think I'm a horrible person, but could never be the monster that you are to me.

Goodmorning death, I know you watch me as I sleep creeping ever closer from faults of my own. For most people you're scary but you just dont scare me anymore, maybe that's because you've never allowed me to be hurt, you've just taken away the ones who couldnt bear the pain anymore...

I woke up this morning and daydreamed about you, but in my dreams you're nothing like everyone pictures you, beautiful and glowing with calming yellow light surrounding, something told me I would never see your face until the day I do not wake but something else keeps telling me that day is not too far now...

You see: yesterday night I downed some pills and went for a run just to see what would happen, nothing, while my love was high as a kite I felt nothing and was craving the cold metal against my skin again, I talked with my best friend who I love like a sister and in the beginning I'd planned that to be the last time and it didnt hurt anymore, I told her more of my story and more of my dreams, and had to walk back to my steps to see my him fast asleep and had to put my love in the house because even as a grown man hes not strong enough to control himself half as well as me, so I told my sister (best friend) I'd be back, at this point I couldnt lie to her, shed allready woken up her parent and told me to come over when I hadn't been over in months because of this **** virus, I muted her and in the silence of the dark early morning I carved my thighs, wrist, and stomach and watched as the blood trickled down until the voice that echoes in my head told me that it was enough and I felt a wave of calm... after I got back yesterday, away from my sister and her family I just slept, I'd wake up and movement was too painful so I slept... I wake up this morning next to the man I call love and saw his sleeping face and he'll never know how I stroked his beard as I cried, because now, I'm sitting on the edge of a tub, with tears streaming my face because I dont wanna die but death seems so inviting, and i dont wanna live because life seems so terrifying.

I'm wrighting this because I'm not sure if it'll be the last thing I Wright, I doubt it,  I mean, even when people notice when I'm messed up all I can say is "dont worry, I'll get through it, I allways do right?" But after watching people you love die, losing countless homes, being ***** by an unbelievable number of men, going through years of physical and then mental abuse,and knowing I drive everyone I love away because of my illnesses...  I'm scared that I'll have to leave everyone I love behind, because that's the only reason I try anymore, I keep hearing people telling me to live for me but no one seems to understand how hard that can be when the only person/thing you dont care about is yourself...




I doubt anyone will read all of this, but just know that if you do, and this is my last wrighting, I want you to do this for me: LIVE.
To those being touched against your will, even if you aren't PHSYCALLY fighting back: That man/woman who touches you that terrifys you, **** telling family, **** telling friend, call 911 and tell them you're scared, I guarantee they'll protect you.
To those stuck in abusive family's: I know you love them sweetie but sometimes loving someone isnt allways enough to make them change, talk to another relative youd be comfortable staying with or take it directly to the police, it's not worth it to stay until you're 18 just to make them happy .

To those going through dealing with a friend/family member dying: I know it hurts baby but you're strong and you can do this, live for them and strive to keep their memory alive, and for those of you who feel as if they should feel something but dont (in relation to close people to you dying) dont feel guilty, everyone copes with things differently, but when you eventually have that moment of grief, dont hold onto it, breathe through it, scream, cry, just let it out, let it move through you and move on with your life.

To those of you with mental illness effecting your life in drastic ways or that just need someone to talk to: you can do it. I usually dont do this but theres going to be a user name for an Instagram account in the notes of this poem, that will be set up today, you're never alone, I promise. This will be a safe place for everyone who needs it, and it wont just be me replying, all the time, if youd rather talk to a female say so, if youd rather talk to a Male, say so, no matter what we will be here to help in any way we can, even if that is just being a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

No matter what happens to me, this page will remain up. There will allways be SOMEONE here for you, were not therapists, were not doctors, were just people like you who at some point wished we had someone who would listen and lift our spirits.


I know I dont know you, but I'm here for you. Now and forever, all you have to do is reach out.

Love you guys! Till we meet in this world or the next, or connect through wrighting.

Forget everything else love, tonight's  just us, let me lay in your arms and let you feel my fingers running through your hair again. Let us laugh and joke until that serious conversation sparks, a conversation that makes me regret everything I am because it keeps me from you... A thousand times I wished I was normal, I want to be everything you could ever want and I cant... you'll never look at me and see me, it'll always be what I am and what's wrong with me... so for tonight, just hold me close and let me feel your breath against my neck, let me make you smile and shiver from trailing my fingers over your skin, let's stay here just long enough for me to pull myself back togeather because you're all I've ever needed and I'm nothing more than a reminder of her.

To the girls like me...

When he runs his fingers up your legs and feels the indentions of your scars and admits they turn him on, hold your head high and know he isnt right for you.

When he pushes you after you say no, and your depression has taken your will to fight beyond words, know it isn't your fault and he was never good enough to lay a finger on you.

When someone sees your scars for the first time and flinches, don't ignore that ake in your soul, embrace it, because as much as it hurts it means they care, don't shut them out.

Hold onto the man who tells you that every imperfection you have is beautiful but not to create more because they love you the way you are.

Ignore the man who tries to change you.

Remember that the man who tells you that you're too much for him, was never enough for you in the first place.

Every day I'm weighed down with regrets but day by day I'm doing my best to wipe the board clean, so to the girls (and even guys) like me, trying their best to be better people, and to make someone love them, stop. You are perfect the way you are and dont let anyone ever tell you any different. You will have good and bad days but never let someone make you feel as if you aren't enough. I care for every single one of you and I feel your pain and I am here! At 2 AM when you think no one would miss you if you finally ended it, I will feel your pain and I am HERE! Stand tall and we can stand united as one, stronger than ever.


To the girls like me, you are not alone.

Laying in bed
At 7am
Another restless night

Thoughts start to creep in
Of love and of sin
O-how and o-where to start

You out of breath
Your hands on my *******
Breath hitching with every touch

Now I lay here
You, nowhere near
Nursing a broken heart.

Why am I sitting here thinking, when the worlds crashing down and the only soft sounds from the day is of heavy breathing and skin on skin... Knowing youd be the one I'd call to wish goodbye last if I left this world because it'd be the hardest... and I wouldent let you hear a single quiver in my voice, standing there with the pills in my hand, I'd let you know that seeing your face lights up my days and tell you I have to go... And when you say something along the lines of "bye darlin, im here for you okay?" I'll tell you that I know, and I love you for the first and last time and I'll hang up because I know you won't say it back.... Knowing that if I was dying my last thought would probably be of you... And I'd be okay with that... Knowing that I laugh and smile to your face when you don't want me to go, crying later because I didn't want to go for different reasons... Knowing that if the world was ending I'd want to be in your arms and you'd probably want to be... Anywhere else....because ****, you make life so amazing and so unbearable at the same time and you don't Even realize it... But I made myself a promise, I'll never tell you the way I feel about you again, it hurt you too much not to be able to say the same things and I saw it in your eyes and I can't bear to hurt you ever again... And I know you say that we can stop and we can be just normal friends but... Maybe I'm selfish..  Because I won't be your first, or last, or the one you love... But I want to be the one you never forget, the one that you can say your life will never be the same because of and that I made your days brighter.... Because while some part of me has accepted that you'll never love me, nights like this make me wish with all my heart that you could... And I know how selfish that is... But you make me selfish... I already know the day I see you with another woman will be the day that breaks me... But I want to break... I want you to find someone who makes you happy in ways that i can't, someone who you wake up and look at and smile and think to yourself "how'd i get so **** lucky"  I want you to love someone and them love you back just as hard... But it hurts knowing I won't be that one... I said I wouldn't catch feelings when you told me that girls your friends with always did, but you said it was because of your angel wings and good looks.... I didn't expect your laugh and that look you get in your eye when I innocently touch you (or try to stop) or the way you talk alittle slurred when you're tired walking around with your arms crossed and head down, and the slight smile when I wrap my arms around you from behind... I didn't expect to fall for you in between all of the simple things you do... But till the day I die I believe every man I meet will be subconsciously compared to you... But since I can't be your lover... I'll strive to be your best friend... Even if it completely and utterly breaks my soul...

Breathe! Just breathe in!
1it hurts
1i can't
1cant....
1cant think
2why...
1why cant
2i be
1why can't
2i be
3normal
1i think...
2
3im getting bett-
1ouch!
2it hurts
1bre-
1breathe!!!
1breathe,
2 don't panic
3its okay
4 I've got th-
1theyll get me
1who?
1i don't know
1help
1 no
2its okay
3breathe
4dont panic
5colors
6 blue and red make purple
1theyll get me!
1im scared
1i hate myself
1die!
1no, it's.okay
2 blue and yellow
3 green
4every color makes brown
5blue, white and green
6 they make that color you like remember?
7 breathe
8 its okay
9relax your muscles, you cut your arms with your nails again
10 I'm okay... Let's stay this way...

During the day I think I'm okay, when I can keep my mind busy or focus on someone else in need of my help, when the light is blinding and pure.... But during the night, when the light dims and the people start to sleep I'm left wide awake with my demons at my side whispering the sins of the world in my ears as I try to sleep, seeing the demons in my eyes as I stare into my reflection wondering who am I, changing and morphing into what I recognize as myself.... Sometimes the days are just as bad as the nights and it feels as though it can never end, the days where medication nor meditation seem to help clear the fog that rests in my mind, thicker than the snow after a blizzard or the water after a flood.... Days like today where I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out because in my mind I know that every cloudy day will be blown away but also knowing that its been storming so long that when I have a moment of sun it just seems to hurt because its gone far too fast.... But sometimes I think I'm okay...

I doubt that you love me, though I don't know for sure, I'm hoping that one day there'll be an open door, one that opens with a squeak and a squeal or maybe a sharp crack, one that when opened you can't quite close back, one that makes you miss me when I stray to far away, one that makes you want to draw me nearer every day, one that maybe even makes you want to make me stay. I want a door to open that hurts you when my heart breaks, a certain type of door that cures all my akes, a door I can close behind me when I step in, a door that closes and still let's light in, a door where on the other side my lover is my best friend.....

why is it that I love you so much and so hard not expecting anything in return, that I only want the best for you, that I fell so **** hard only to be left to rot, if I wasn't meant to love you then why did I fall for you and if I was the why does it hurt so much... I'll never admit that I love you, I'll likely carry it to my grave because at the end of the day you'll never feel the same... Me expressing my feelings aren't worth seeing your smile fade so I'll save my breath and bottle it up and do my best to shove it down, I'll force a smile and even lie through my teeth to make you happy because I cant bear to cause you pain.... After all, you care about me... I shouldn't care beyond that. But for some reason, my heart wants to see those 3 words leave your lips, knowing itd be a lie and it'd shatter me but I don't care.... Knowing I'll never hear those words leave your lips is what kills me inside and keeps me from sleeping at night.... And since I'll never be able to say it to you.... I love you... Through all the trials of that days and your best and worst moments i will love you endlessly and that's my curse because it means that for every day for the rest of my life I will think of you or see you in my dreams.... I just hope it gets easier for me.... For now my only ease is doing my best to make your days better because your smile gives my heart relief.....

Use your hands and choke me, till I turn blue in the face, till I can't speak, till I'm a gasping mess on my knees at your feet, at your mercy, choke me till I faint and watch the life drain out of my eyes before you let go, I'll sign over my life in wrighting if you'd like to take it, I want you to break me down till the barest most raw parts of my soul are visible at first glance, I want you to shake me and tell me I can't hide within myself anymore, tear me apart and ruin me and rebuild me to everything you want me to be, let me be perfect In your eyes, its all I want in life..... I don't want to be perfect but I want to be perfect to you.... So choke me so my words aren't the only thing keeping me from breathing, choke me so that knot in my throat melts little.... Choke me till I pass out so I can finally stop thinking about how no one could ever love me.....

You were wrong about the angel wings and the looks... Or maybe not... Maybe that's what's got them... But what got me was that smile, the way it sometimes takes you a second to get a joke and your face slowly lights up with the realization before you laugh, it probably only takes a second but I swear its like an eternity that lasts forever and is over way too soon, What got me was the way your fingers brushed across my skin and the teasing smile when you know you had me reeling, the way you'd subconsciously shift closer at my touch and relax as my fingers caress your skin, when you layed your head on my chest and innocently commented on how hard my heart was beating and I called you an idiot because you just didnt understand, it wasn't your looks that did me in it was how safe I felt in your arms when I can't even feel safe in my own head .... It wasn't anything you said or did, it wasnt a touch or a look, it was you... It was everything you are.... And it was everything I was when I was with you.

Some days I need a shoulder to lean on, something to blow off some steam on, something to rely on when I have nothing to keep my eye on, when the future seems bleak and the light can't leak in and my chest feels tight and life is but a fright, some days I just need to be held tight and be told that it'll be alright.

You broke me and I admit it...day in day out chasing after you gets exhausting, trust me I get it. This relationship we have may very well be toxic, but I knew in the beginning when we first started this... this TORTUROUS game that you handed me, wothout a book of rules, because I learned the cost of it...But at the end of the day that game is the only thing that makes it worth being alive.... I'm trying to find a way out, a way to dance my way through without as much pain, a way to live without so much sorrow, a way to be ALIVE, because I don't want to JUST survive...anymore... but your voice so sweet and tempting, wrapping me up, pulling me in, leaving me with goosebumps and butterflies..... Its bliss... But love your games can be so cruel...you seemingly throw yourself at some and abandon others to rot, cold and alone, with nothing more than empty promises to keep them warm... Love you are bittersweet... But somehow I can't seem to get enough.

How am I supposed to act, my heart up in my throat, knowing when I see your face my feelings will not show, for I do not love you, well that I do not know, for once the thought of love was clear but now it is a ghost, ever changing ever shifting, perspective forever changes, for you are not my lover and this is feeling aimless, for I do not love you but I can't get you out of my head, I have to admit its awfully nice to have you as a friend, I long to be close to you whenever I'm away, and when I am so close to you I never want to stray, you lift my thoughts and spirits like no one ever before, but you don't want a relationship so I never opened that door, no I do not love you, that is not a lie, but the weird part is when I see you, it sends me soaring high, with him I thought of you in a longing sense , but again I do not love you so to me this makes no sense, when he kissed me I felt ***** like a betrayal in a way, but I've betrayed no one so why feel this way? Maybe I just think too much, maybe I should enjoy the moment, maybe the new year has something in store and I can try to own it...

The weight of the world on her shoulders versus the pressure from her own mind is enough to make her shout out and scream, enough to break her beyond repair, its enough to destroy her from the inside out, people try to crumble her, tear her down under false pretense of "helping", they don't understand how easily help can turn into hurt,they always say "no one can love you until you learn to love yourself" I guess i'll never be loved then because i have been trying to love myself every day of my life with no success, "just do it" isn't easy with depression "get your attitude straight" isn't easy when you cant understand how you feel "it'll be okay" I know that! but anxiety is good at painting ugly pictures leaving you petrified. The feeling of impending doom that comes looming over you at the most random or the worst possible moments, the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed or even live some days, the feeling of driving everyone away because you distance yourself in order not to be a burden, no,no, not a burden, they say you arent a burden, your mind says differently though... heres the truth, youre never told about how badly it hurts when you pull yourself out of bed feeling so empty like you have this huge hole in your gut, it... its indescribable, this weight on your chest when you want to cry but you cant breathe, when it gets to much and you have no outlet and you want so badly to reach for that knife to take the pain away but you force yourself away, or the feeling that something will go wrong and you just want to hide, you cant trust anyone, you cant even trust yourself because WHAT IF! the feeling that you're slipping away again and you're trying so hard to hold it together, when your emotions drain and you feel like a shell of who you were, you want to scream out but you cant, you cant tell anyone how badly it hurts because you cant accurately describe whats going on in your mind, so you study until your mind spins, just trying to find the right **** words to say but nothing ever comes close to the pain you have inside, the frusteration of the random anger and sadness, the worry and hatred, the pure feeling of unadulterated insanity! You finally say something and break down in tears because its all too much but venting dosent make you feel any better so you lock yourself away, you cut yourself off from everyone because you dont want to be seen so broken down,  but that somehow makes it worse because you worry about everyone else, so you end up in an endless cycle, You tell yourself youre stronger, you can beat this, then the attacks come on and the flashbacks and you break again, youre exausted and feel like your at the end of your rope but yet you still hold on for everyone else, the doctors dont help and neither do the meds but you say they do, you say youre getting better but you arent, your dying and screaming inside but you dont let anything out, you hold your breath count to ten and try again, maybe one day this feeling will go away, youre fragile but resilient, you feel nothing and everything, you cant do this anymore but you have to... for everyone else, because you dont know how your story will end but it cant end now, not when it hasnt even gotten good yet, you cant let the deamons in your head win, not yet... not now... not this time...

I truly love you,
I'm trying my best,
I'm giving you my trust
So you can take the rest.

I'm giving you my heart,
I beg you not to break it,
Because if you do
I'm not sure I can take it.

But what I don't say
Is how hard it is,
When all my head will think
Is of all the sins,
How many times ive been hurt,
How many promises where broken,
How many times I've been abused and heart broken.

I try not to show it,
But I'm oh so broken,
I'll leave all of these words unspoken,
I'll tell you I love you,
That I need your attention,
Everything else I'll leave unmentioned.

I hope my love and trust isn't misplaced,
That our love won't carry the same unholy fate,
The fate that rips apart the heart creating open wounds,
All because of the person who made you swoon,
I just pray you don't take my love for granted,
Because trust me when I said I loved you I meant it....

His look is healing
Eyes gazing
never hazing
never letting go

I love him so
But he must know
I long for him to let go

I'm not good enough
Not strong enough
To lie to those eyes

If he takes one look
He'd know the truth
But he can't see what I hide

Ill tell him forever
With hopes of never
For he should not carry that burden

For every moment we share together
I hope he thinks is worth it

For night after night I lye awake
Pray the universe my soul to take
And fix me once for everyone's sake

I'm broken beyond repair
I feel it in every stare
Its only a matter of time
Before I say goodbye

I hold his heart
I hold his eyes
They're so beautiful yet blind

For no one see's
The troubles in me
Yet I'd have it no other way
Because once someone see's that side of me
They find it hard to stay

I'm not strong enough
To feel myself break
Time and time again
So if I break again
That may be the end of my story
I'm sorry love
From your best friend...

Breathe...
Just breathe
Forget the pain
Forget the memories
Just breathe.

Open your eyes
Close your heart
Maybe that'd be the best start
For you get hurt to easily
Come on little one cant you see?

Your heart is open too wide!
Your too open
Too vulnerable to hide
That heart is nothing but trouble.
That hearts as useless as rubble.

"Love will get you nowhere
You aren't strong
Look me in the eye
Tell me I'm wrong!"

You're wrong dear sir
For without love, you see
You can experience nothing
but pain and misery
You shut yourself up,
and shut everyone out
Now your heart has seen a drought
You aren't strong
because you have a heart of stone
You're strong when you learn to grow!

My power will rage on within
my heart is damaged and broken
But my words can not be held in

You cannot learn to live and love
If you live with a heart of stone
But with love you can feel as a king apon a throne
Breaths will seem precious as gold and moments like diamonds
My point is,
a heart dear sir is not the problem,
It is the lack of one that causes the problem.

Dark skies
Bright lights
Here's my
Endless fight

I'm not asleep
Nor am I awake
It seems to be my only fate

I'm tired of running
I'm tired of fear
Whats the point
It's already here

The days seem longer
The nights seem shorter
Everything has lost its order

I don't want to be awake
But I cannot sleep
For the life of me this feels like defeat

I don't think i can overcome it
I don't know how
All i know is here and now

But for you I can hold each breath
For you i'll draw it out
For you i'll try to forget every doubt
I'll breathe in fire
I'll breathe out ice
only for you will this be nice

For my pain continues
And my plans have ceased
But i wont burden you with pain for me
I'll keep on breathing
I'll appear strong
I will continue to take the world head on.

Beauty isnt skin deep
Its not some amazing feat
Its not a stroke of luck
or a born trait

Beauty isnt skin deep
Its in everything you do
Everything you say
Everything you write, sing, see

Beauty is within you, not your appearance.
Beauty is seeing the sun come up on the horizon
but its also seeing a little girl help an old man with his bags
Beauty is in everything
You just need to know where to look.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm losing my mind
No clue what to do
I don't want to eat
Nor can I sleep
This is the difference between an A and defeat

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My hairs falling out
No clue what to do
My physical health is suffering
My mental is to
I'm so tired
Don't know what to do

My head is killing me
I'm down on my knees
But yet there is still stacks of work in front of me

"this seems impossible" she does it with ease!
"nothing is more important than this grade,you'll see"
But i cant sleep!
i don't want to eat!
Even when i come out on top
This is still defeat.
For i am not happy
Why cant you see?
It seems all this stress will be the death of me.

I am so tired
But i can not give up
When i ask for help
All i hear is "good luck"

I am so tired
But i can not give up
If i want a job ill need more than luck

I am so tired
But i can not give up
If i want quality of life
Ill need more than a few bucks

I'm so tired
But i cant give up
But i'm so close
I need some luck

I'm so tired
I want to give up
"but you're so close
all you need is luck"

I'm so exhausted
please let me be
all this work
will be the death of me

I'm so tired
i just want to rest
after all I've given it my best
"But in the end what if my best is not enough?"
"Then my friend i bid you good luck"

My love,
For every diminishing comment you've received
For every time you have been hurt
For every time I've watched you try and drown your sorrows
For every pause in a sentence showing the resistance for your mind to let you take control
For every silent tear you've cried
My love you are not weak
You are stronger than they have ever been
For everyone who hurt you
You are better
You light the way for me in this dark world
You are love
You are not sin.

You always ask me why it's so hard for me to get close, but when I actually try I lose my fingers and my toes, I hate giving my all and getting nothing in return. And that's why I build my wall,before I crash and burn.

I may not be bold
I may not be brave
But at least i have courage to stay

At least i have the courage to stay
To pull myself out of bed everyday
Knowing the world is full of hate
That i’ll suffer an unruly fate

My younger days that used to consume
Far gone now older ones bloom
I may not have the perfect life
But a promise i make to win this fight

I won’t give in to soon
I won’t let this consume
For I can conquer this evil
I will survive the ruin

A heart in my chest that still beats
I will not suffer defeat!
For i am stronger than the sum of my parts
I am their ruler
NOT their counterpart.

I am resilient,  I am imaginative
I wonder about the world and what it has to offer

I hear the winds of change
I see so much hatred in the world
I want others to listen and breathe in the winds
I am reserved and I am imaginitive

I pretend I am somewhere else
I feel warmth in my soul when people rejoice with one another
I love people and animals with a passion greater than any other
I worry about the days to come and what they will hold
I cry , I feel the weight of the world and its sorrows
I am resilient, I am imaginitive

I understand change takes time
I say we can be the change
I dream of helping change the world
I try to change myself every day, I know the change starts with me
I hope we can be the change
I am resilient, I am imaginative

The world
This word is sinful
This world is something

This world we have the power to change and shape
This world can be beautiful
This world can be wonderful
For it is not the world that makes sorrow or sin
It is us
So don't give in.

concrete covers this place
leaving a dark and hallow space
once lively and full of glee
now they just call her she
no one bothers to learn her name
maybe she likes it better that way
no one has ever cared enough before
to help her open up that door
so for now she sits and prays
that there will come better days
so she may fill that hallow space
among the concrete that covers this place