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Jan 19 · 821
your daughter
GrumpyTurtle Jan 19
your daughter.
sitting across from you like im talking to a stranger.
unknown.
the man who gave me life,
now treats me like i ruined his.
he left me for a chick?
a party?
a bottle of cheap liquor?
maybe a glass of reality may help you see your faults..
or are you gonna say their mine like you have time and time again?
you know...
i used to call your name in the night..
because of all my scary dreams..?
little did i know those dreams WERENT dreams,
but rather replays of the horror flick i call a life.
you crawled in like an uninvited guest to a party of all my insecurities.
you climbed up into my mind and controlled my words and actions so i don't "look suspicious" you while you stole from the store again.
you stole my trust too.
you lied.
you cheated me out.
you opened me up to things i didnt want to see.
i shouldn't have been ABLE to see.
is that what a father is?
what is a father?
does he make up for his threats with hollow sunken words?
make up his absence with yet another gift?
does he explain himself with excuses so you don't REALLY know?
i know the truth now.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
remember our family?
the broken one?
the one that I HAD TO hold together for you?
i think the snap of our family cracking was louder than a firecracker.
it popped so loud that i couldn't do anything but listen to the ringing in my ear.
it echoed like bittersweet memories i think about when i lay down to sleep.
wait.
what sleep?
i don't sleep.
i cant sleep.
you've hooked your faith into my back like a grappling hook to a mountain.
the rocks eroded by my tears.
and its crumbling apart like my heart.
im cleaning up the pieces and glass shards of love that you insisted i squeeze in my palms.
but my palms can only hold so much.
im holding all your baggage full of greed, lust, and pure carelessness.
why didn't you care?
why don't you care?
when you left,
i wondered what i did that drove you away.
what did i have that made you SO eager to escape.
was i not what you wanted?
was it ME just in general.??
you didn't leave when Karlie was born.
but when i came in the picture..
you disappeared into thin air.
but the air you left wasnt clean
you put toxins in my lungs.
you promised to stop smoking years ago.
the years that went so slow yet so fast.
you 𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓻.
you 𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻.
you 𝓬𝓸𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓭 of a father.
.
and here i am.
your daughter.
sitting across from you like im talking to a stranger.
Dec 2020 · 1000
late night "talk"
GrumpyTurtle Dec 2020
you sat me at the table and screamed up in my face...
and you made me feel guilty for all of your mistakes.
it was 11:39, and i just wanted to be alone...
but you insisted i sit down and i wish that i had known,
it'd end up like last time, my eyes puffy and light red...
i should have just ignored you and just had gone to bed.
you were losing to me at first but you knew a working trick...
so you asked about my dad, and you threw that in the mix.
the tears were flowing heavy now and you kept pushing in...
what a stepdad you are doing this, is this just discipline?
i tried to speak my side but you just never let me talk...
so i yell at you to say my part but you just brushed me off.
i thought you'd try to listen, but you chose to be abusive...
because you told me im a kid and that my problems are always stupid.
talking to you is hard enough cause you don't know your place...
and you think cause im a teenager, you'll always win debates.
the thing you don't understand is that i have feelings too...
you treat me like an animal that lives inside a zoo.
and sometimes i have to get away, so i just go on walks...
and wait for the apology from that hurtful late night "talk"
is it really a talk if i cant say my part?
Nov 2020 · 747
difference
GrumpyTurtle Nov 2020
mom loved me
dad didnt care
mom stayed close
dad wasn't there
there is a difference
Nov 2020 · 1.2k
𝒹𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽
GrumpyTurtle Nov 2020
the world could be better
if i disappeared
no more pain in my head
and no more judgement that sneered

death seems scary
unless you understand
if you think about the benefits
you'll instantly take his hand

Your tears create canyons
down your cheeks to your chin
id totally leave this earth,
a dark world of sin.

i like the color yellow
it makes my eyes shine
but not even the colors
can change my harsh mind

i think im still here
because im scared of the truth
what happens to my family
if they ever knew?

they walk to my room
a note on the door
they see my limp body
laying on the floor

your sweet little girl
not so sweet anymore
she died a long time ago..
she's rot to the core
just some thoughts i get from time to time

thanks for reading!!
GrumpyTurtle Nov 2020
hey dad
i knew talking to you was pointless
cause you still think you were right.

you don't wanna know my hurt.
you don't want to understand the pain and agony in my head, in my heart because you never cared enough to ask.
you never even tried to be there.
none of you did.

where were you when the leaves fell off the trees like the tears from my eyes in the cold winter air as you smoked away your problems.
as you smoked away me.
one puff more as i begged you to stop, but of course you didn't.
you never listened to me anyways.

threaten to put your hands on me.
you always seemed to fix your problems with drugs and violence.
every excuse is a new step towards the breaking point.
the breaking point is what i'm scared of.

its like every hurtful word is another blade on my skin.
crimson blood puddles flowing out of every crack you left in me.
if my own father left me.. how am i supposed to trust that no one else will?

it seems i cant be happy.
whenever it gets better, i fall back down into the dark.
broken even more as i smack down at the bottom of the pit.
in my
𝓬𝓸𝓵𝓭.
𝓮𝓶𝓹𝓽𝔂.
𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓭.
left alone
again

you scorched the burning hate in my soul for anyone like you.
you showed me that no one can change.
not even after my 14 years of life, have you changed.

i hope you feel your empty soul ache as you see me finally happy that i let you go.

i hope you break as you hold the little necklace i held so dear to me.

i hope you feel your heart rot as your kids go on to live their lives without you.

i hope you are happy.



:)
i have been disowned from my dad's side of the "family"
guess they can stand on the sidelines and watch my success from there
but they wont be part of it

— The End —