I have since learned how to temper the storm that is me.
On the outside at least.
Inside however the wind still rages.
The waves still beat with an unforgiving furry.
I have not known stillness in quite some time.
With stillness, peace has also been a stranger.
Every day I fear that the storm I have caged will break free and show the world it’s wrath.

I hate looking at myself with no clothes on
I want to have *** but most of the time I tear apart my body and talk myself out of it
I even hate letting my spouse see me naked
I wish I could remember my childhood
I hate the things I do remember
I don’t know why I always cry
I want to save every one because no one saved me
I’m a people pleaser because I don’t think I’m enough
Sometimes I cry because I don’t want to go to sleep
The nightmares never stay away for long
I need everyone to love me and have a good opinion of me
I don’t want to die
Some days I just don’t want to exist
Sometimes it’s hard to remember who I really am
I’m so used being who I think everyone wants me to be
Most days I hate myself
I wonder how anyone else could not hate me to
I resent the kids at school that bullied me
I resent the family that were just as bad as the kids at school
I resent not having a safe space to grow up
I gave parts of myself away that I shouldn’t have because I felt wanted

I haven’t been truly “fine” in a long time
I’ve mastered the art of smiling
And crying when no ones around
But the mask I so carefully crafted is slowly chipping away
I’m starting to stumble over the steps in this play I put on everyday
Maybe it’s time to let the world see what happens when the curtains close and the performance ends

Talking the people I love off of the ledge is what keeps me from jumping over
I know that if I leave I might be the reason someone finally decides to take that final step
Thinking about the pain I would cause by not being here makes my pain just a little more bearable

What do I do if my pain causes them pain?
Do I spare them?
Or does misery demand company?

Letting myself hurt so that I don’t hurt you

I won’t keep apologizing for the way I feel just to make you feel better
I hate that I’m hurting you but I’m hurting too
Are you going to acknowledge that?
Are you going to apologize to me?
Are you going to tend my wounds even though you yourself may be bleeding out?
Am I to just always be the caretaker giving every piece of me until there’s nothing left?
I can’t speak my mind because it hurts you and makes me feel like the bad guy
I have to tiptoe over your emotions
Scared that if I make one misstep It’ll shatter you
I know you’ve got your demons but I’ve got mine to
I’m exhausted from trying to fend off yours while mine are slowly winning
What can I do when
Loving you is killing me
But a life without you is worse than death

Shoulders sagging
Heart heavy
Your mind is miles away
Surrounded by bodies voices and smells
But youve never felt more alone
You’re tucked in a cage inside your mind
Looking for the key you’ll never find
Overthinking overwhelmed
Depressions taken hold
Body shaking teething clacking as if you’re in the cold
Eyes wide open ready to sell the secrets that you hold
But you sit and listen only speaking when you’re told
Hardly living
Just existing
Barely getting by
Cross your heart and hope to die they’ll never see you cry

I’m not ok but maybe tomorrow I will be
Maybe tomorrow all will be forgotten
Or maybe it’ll all be stuffed back inside
Back inside the jar that just about too full to hold anymore
Maybe tomorrow I’ll put my own feelings first
Maybe tomorrow you’ll notice when I leave the room to cry so I don’t burden you
Or maybe you already know and tomorrow you’ll care
Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and not hate myself for once
Maybe if I loved myself you would to
Maybe tomorrow I won’t be sitting here writing this with a tear stained face while you sleep peacefully in the next room
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to lay in bed with you without crying and just wishing you knew I wasn’t ok
Maybe tomorrow I’ll want to see another tomorrow for myself

Mirror mirror on the wall
Whose the saddest of them all
Take my fist
Punch through the wall
Take some pills to end it all
Crawl crawl back to me
Second chance at agony
Happiness yes that’s the key
No more crying please help me
A little closer then you’ll see
The pain that’s truly eating me
Take me out of my head
Teach me to smile instead
Sometimes I’d rather be dead
And some days I can’t leave the bed
I just wanna smile like I mean it
Love like I never did
Run with the wind instead
Hold me like you mean it
Let this feeling never end

Last night I had a dream
You were there of course
Waking or sleeping it’s always the same
I can’t seem to erase you from my mind
Memories of our love bind my heart
Our love was like a flame
It burned bright and passionate
It was blinding and all consuming
Just like a flame our love burned out
Sometimes I wake and reach for your warmth
Remnants of the dreams we had still cling to me
But then reality hits me
Instead of you it’s loneliness that embraces me

Take my heart and crack it open
Come in closer
Sneak a peak
A peak at the truth
The truth of who I am
The things I’ve done
The things I’ve seen
The things I’ve loved
Take a look at what I crave the most
Wade waist deep in the sorrows drowning me
Shine your light on my darkness
Feed the tiny flame of hope still alight in my heart
This isn’t a goodbye letter
I’m sending out an SOS
Someone help me
I’m going under
Please someone save me

Maybe it would be easier
Easier to let go
If only you had said goodbye
You broke the rules of “see you later”
Saying goodbye means I’ll never see you again
But see you later is a promise
A promise that you’ll return
If not now then definitely later
It’s in the rules
It’s like a pinky promise
Unbreakable
What good are rules and promises
If they can’t be followed or kept
What good is a heart if it’s so **** breakable
What good is trust if it’s so easily betrayed
What good am I if I’m so easy to discard
What good will it do to still ache for you
What good was your love if it brought so much pain
Why couldn’t you just follow the **** rules

You know how when you’re trying to sleep
But your mind is racing
How you’re trying to be still
But your thoughts are on the move
Ideas, Regrets, What ifs, Fear
All demanding to be heard
To be felt
To be validated
You know how when you’re not ok
But you’re trying to be ok
And then someone ask you if you are ok
So you break down all over again
Sometimes you want them to read your mind
To know the answer before the question
You know that pain that’s so great it feels
Like a physical weight holding you down?
All you want is a hand to carry the load
A shoulder to leave tear stained
An embrace to feel safe and loved in
You know that feeling when you’re screaming inside
But still wanting desperately to be heard
The struggle of trying to save yourself
But still hoping for a hero

Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

Yesterday was a bad day
And today might be even worse
But you got out of bed this morning
That itself is a feat not achieved by many
Today you are alive
That itself is a gift
Though you may not want to be
You are meant to be
The battle is not lost
As long as you are still fighting
~Carpe Diem~

I’m drowning
All this time
I’ve been treading water
Barely staying afloat
I’ve been waiting for a lifeline
Now I realize it’s never coming
The more time goes by
The further I slip under
The further I slip
The less I fight
Fighting it is pointless
Pain demands to be felt
The more I fight
The faster I sink
No one can see through the murky waters
No one can see me
No one actually wants to
Brief, unconvincing smiles
One broken “I’m fine”
That’s all it takes
For them to ignore the pain in your eyes
To ignore the catch in your voice
For them to write you off
No one “cares” until you’re gone
Even then their tears are forced
And condolences empty
No one will admit it
But everyone is thinking it
They’ll “mourn” you for a day
Then continue on like you never existed
Irrelevant while living
Forgotten after death
No footprint to be left in the sand
The fight is over

Panic
Mind scattering panic
The confusion
The fear
Throat clenching fear
The glazed eyes
The tears
The drenched sheets
The constant shivers
The dark
The shadows come to life
The hand clenching your chest
The heart trying to escape its cage
The clawing at invisible bindings
The suffocating
The weight on your chest
The gasping for air
The amnesia
What has you so scared

They tell me to smile

I try for a while

They tell me to speak

That last for a week

They say just be happy

Your lifes not that ******

But what they don't see

Is the pain eating me

What they don't see

Are the scars left on me

What they don't see

Is the dread drowning me

What they do see

Is no longer me

Roses are red violets are blue
I'm in love
But in love with who?
It could be him
The guy the screams of danger
Or it could be her
A girl that's just a stranger
I love all
But none loves me
My heart wails a plea
Don't let me break be bruised beat and filled with hate
I turn to ash
As my life starts to crash and burn
My turn to be heard is here
So listen my dear
I'm just a loveless sap
Whose ready for her eternal nap

Everyone has there doubts right?
Of course I know it's not just me
Who the **** am I to think i'm special
Clearly you didn't
You said you loved me!
Hell I should have known
Anyone can say I love you
But only few really mean it
Doubt
Now that's something I didn't want to feel
I ignored all of the warning signs
I was blinded by love that you never really felt
I started thinking
Does he really love me?
Am I really beautiful?
Are we really in this together?
Doubt sunk in so deep and dragged me under
But who was there to pull me back up?
Not you!
Not anyone!
I was alone
Am alone
Drowning
Trying desperately to break surface
A part of me still hopes that you'll be the one to rescue me
Help me out of this dark place
But you're not here
All I have now is doubt

I can’t feel it

                                         No pain

                                No happiness

                                             Nothing

                                       Just numb

                                I’ve wished for the pain

                                          to end for so long

                                   But i never wanted this

                                           I’m drowning

                                                     In nothing

                              How is that even possible

                                                       ­ I’m not even

                                     Sure if this is reality

                                                        ­     This feeling of floating

                                      Above everything

                                                     ­           I want to feel

                                     Anything

                                                       ­            Everything

                                    Even the pain

                                                        Jus­t not this suffocating numbness