I just...stopped
caring
living
trying
feeling
eating
wearing short sleeves
smiling
giving

I started
smoking
masking
counting calories
running
cutting
crying
staying up late
making showers hurt again

I just ....stopped

Yeah I'm better now

Im better in the snese that hot showers no longer hurt
I'm better now in the sense that when I see a razor it isn't mt first thought
I'm better now in the sense that no longer do I have to wear long sleeves
I'm better in the sense that my only thought isn't what if it all just stopped

Yeah I'm ok now

I'm ok in the way that I exersise to the point I pass out
I'm ok in the way that I eat one meal a day
I'm ok in the way that 1:00am is an early night
I'm ok in the way that I eat "healthy" now

Im Better now
I promise

There is no gn to my head
There are no plls in my hand
But a slow sucicide is my poisin
Small smiles
Tight laughs
Small cuts
"Partying"
Slow sucicide is how I die
Playing in snow
Eating air
Sleeping days
Caffine nights
Slow suicide is my choice
Silver pens
Red paint
Smoky lungs
Whisky breath
Slow suicide is a petty death
Braclet wrists
Long sleeves
Empty ribs
Cold hands
Slow Suicide

Unlike you I can't sit still
Unlike you I cant focus
Unlike you every sound pounds my brain
like a hammering fist till my vision is blurry
like a dog whistle screaching at pitches you could never hear
rattling my brain
Unlike you I can't understand jokes
Unlike you I can't do things that are of no intrest
Unlike you I cant stand the feeling of the shirt on my back
like snadpaper scrating my skin wraw
like a snake squeezing the air out of my lungs untill I can no longer breath
Breaking my ribs

Hi
Hello
Im back again
You said I was fine
These breathes aren't working
Nic is the boyfriend I rely to much on
SH is the girlfriend who never ceases to let me down

Running laps in my mind
I must admit that in hind sight this was miastake
The clock striking the twelfth hour for the third day
No way that this is happending
Thought I was asleep but to no luck I have found
My mind stuck on your face
I must say this race I see ahead to who will last be standing
Intrugied by your endless stare
It is rare I can hold the contact
You scare me
Oh how how you frighten me with how captivating you are
As trails of crimson leach from my skin
You and I have found a kin
In minds ever so broken to be
We

No one understands me
Just get to tell me what I feel
Tell me they're here to help
I'm like a cup of tea
Every bump in the road more Tea escapes
Living on a tilted *****
Running from the water rushing twords me
Falling down the rabbit hole of thoughs
Mad as a hatter is me
Carzy as the chesier cat
Calm as the rabbit
Insane as the red queen
Blood falling from my smiling mouth
Think im crazy
Staying stuck in the moment
Spilling tea on me
Teacup spilling my my brains like boiling liquid
Boiling my skin
Cant let in the light
Blacked out
Never getting out
Teacup spilling

Food settles in my stoach like a weight has been dropped on my head
The fat settles around my bones weighing me down
10 cal
20 cal
240cal
270 cal total
only have room for 30 more
Dinner
Too much food
I can't do it
Huddled on the cold bathroom floor
I don't know what else to do
I can feel my fat settle around me when I sit
When I run
When I look in the mirror
My shirt diesn't fit correctly
I can't pull my pants over my hips
Though I know it's becuse my mum dired them
My brain won't belive its true
Ive been told I'm skin and bones
But all i feel is fat
I pass out every class but no one sees that
I'm so tiered.

A tourture that breaks and distorts my mind
Every calorie cafrefully chosen
Written in a journal
Every thing ive eaten since 8th grade
No breakfast
Running out the door a weitght in my stomach
No lunch
Drinking a monster
10 more calories than I need
Vaping in the bathroom
Dinner
Dreaded dinner
I have to sit and eat with my family
No excuses
Work it off after dinner
Do I go there
Do I sit on the floor racking my lungs
I can feel the fat settle on my bones
Crying myself to sleep
Repeat

Ciggerets gather on the dashbored
Shot glasses piled high
Windy night
Shivering in your arms
As you hold me tight
No light on your lips
The ciggrett dangles from my mouth
And you hold me
Not judging
Just there
In a moment
That I will Never Forget
You don't care about my vaices
My habits
My pains
You don't give me these things
But you accept
That this is me
And i'm doing all I can to hold on
Thank you dearly
For I love you
For not being the reson I let go

Hair ties
And ice cubes
And red lipstick
And tape
And gum
And rubber bands
And holding hands
And long sleeves
And bracelets
And makeup
And lip picking
And piecings
And tattoos
And spending money
And hot showers
But Im totally better now

Wrists cuffed by the hands that hurt me
Throat bound by the man who broke me
Legs bruised by the weight of his hate
Arms brusied by his grasp
But he won't have me
But he'll forever be there
In a mind broken by HIM

Order       Chaos
Light        Dark
  White        Balck
    Happy       Sad
      HELP ME FIND MYSELF

Anger clutching at my mind
Nails scraping through layers of flesh
Fingers balled into fists
Nose ******
Lip split
Bruised knucles
Black eye

Anger gasps for release
Coiled fist
Shot out like a piston
Knucles in searing pain
****** faces
Broken bones

ANGER

A soft breeze
A dying wheeze

A kitten call
A williow tree tall

The sadness in goodbye
An old mans sigh

A face of sorrow
Then burried tommorw

Memmories like waves
Finally a brain that caves

Holding a pencil
"Stab her"

Holding a bottle
"Hit your head"

Using headphones
"Choke youreself"

These intrusive thoughts run around my head
These intrusive thoughts make me crazy
These. INTRUSIVRE THOUGHTS

You hit me
you hung me
you cut me
you broke me
but i'd never leave you

These words I write are the tomb for the name I was once called
These words I write are the grave in which I bury her
These words I write are where ma'am, and her will lay to rest
These words I write are where I **** her once and for all
THIS IS WHERE MAGGIE LAYS TO NEVER BE WOKEN

Long hair
Long brown hair
Long soft brow hair

Blue eyes
Blue soft eyes
Blue sad eyes

Pretty dress
Pink pretty dress
Flowery pink pretty dress

A chest
A chest so full
A chest so beautifl

Scissors
Scissors on pretty long har
chop, Chop, CHOP

Blue eyes
Teary blue eyes
Relived blue eyes

A hoodie
A hoodie and black jeans
Black ripped jeans and a band T

A chest
A chest in pain
Chest wrapped flat to body

she, She, SHE
Thats what they see
They will never see their son

I am..
Ripped jeans and hoodies
Beinies and army boots
I am...
Ciggaret smoke and burned holes
Midnight kisses and bloodshot eyes
Dark circles and a bruised jaw
I am...
Flinching at movements and jumping at your name
Black outs in school and broken ribs
I am...
Empty bottles and bleeding wrists
I am...
Kisses under the hidden tress
Love in the shadows and fleeting eyes
I am...
Sneaking out at midnight and falling through my mind.

Underneath we are all the same
We all consist of red blood and bones
Strip away our skin and we are all the same
My little brother
He's only 11 but he's seen more violence that he needs
He's seen his older brother pushed aginst the wall and punched to ****** pulp becuse he wasn't a real man
Hes been pushed to the ground by a teacher becuse he had the guts to kiss his boyfriend
My best friend has had to sneak past her parents at night to see her love only to be beaten becuse of the color of her skin.
My brother has covered for me saying the much to large ripped jeans and band t-s were his to hide me from my father
We are all the same but if you are not a part of sociotys standards then you see more violince then ever needed to expiriance.
I want to hold hands with my girlfrind as we walk down the street without the fear
It doesn't matter who you are. we all have the same blood weather youre black, white, asian, gay, straight, trans, funny, depressed, happy, sad, in love single. IT DOESNT MATTER because we all bleed the same blood.

The monsters under our beds turn to monsters in our heads

The ghosts in the attic become the ghosts of past loves

Pain was a broken leg that soon became a fight to the death with your mind

Shots were something we got so we didnt get sick but they turned to needles littering the ground

Medicine was tylonal we took when we had a cough now its pills we pop to forget life

we went from cutting paper into works of art to ripping our own skin apart into a crimson mess

yelling was what you did at the playground now it's what happens when when you can't stand living

Bruises would come from falling off the monkeybars now they come from those you think love you

shots were from soda caps and giggles that turned to sneaking out and getting wasted to forget

What happend to those kids whoes eyes were full of hope

What happened to those kids who wanted to grow up

The silver glinting edge shines inches away
It's like un itchable scratch
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfyable hunger
It's so close
It beggs to consumed
It beggs be drowned in crimson pain
It beggs to eat away the perfect canvas
It's so close
Just one more
Just one more
Just one more
It's so close
A sighlent voice only I can hear
"You could do it you know"
"It wouldn't be that hard"
It's so close
It's begging makes me cave.

I grabbed the lighter off the counter
I walked outside
It was late
I was home alone that night
I sat on the side of the sand box in front of my house
My hand was shaking
I was exausted
I was stressed
I just needed something
Anything

I pull the Cigarette from the altoids tin I hid it in
I pull it up to my lips
I flick the ligter and a flame shoots up
I light the end and take a deep breath it
The end glows with red embers
Suddenly everything is quiet
I exhale blowing out the smoke
It's the last gohst of my inncoence that floats away
I take another breath in and am filled with a silent minds

My mind is finally quiter
After years of no stop chatter
All is quiet

I was told to say away from you
I was told that you would **** me
I was told that you were a cancer
I was told and didn't listen
You burned me more than that first Cigarette had
You made it harder to breath than the smoke I inhale
You we more cancerious than the nicotine in my blood
You were worse than the Cigarettes I smoke

No one cares
and no one sees
No one cares
and now I'm gone

Youre tears fall down
and you say I'm missed
You say you love me
Hoverd over my body

If you cared
You would have seen
That when you touched me
I dissapered

You would have seen
my soul turnd to dust
You woukd have seen
My eyes grow dark

You say you care?
Then where were you
when I was alive...

I have a ****** line across my face
It curves up at the corners and looks so pretty
It portrays that im ok
It shows that i'm not dying inside

The blody smile curves at the corners
It gives the illusion that all is ok
It distracts from the dark circles under my eyes
It shows that im ok

The ****** line curves more with every time i'm asked if i'm ok
It grows larger and cuts deeper in with every "I'm ok"or "I'm fine"
It hids the pain that resides so close to the surface

That is my carved smaile
One for socioty that I can't take off
forced by my life to stay perfectly poised
To show no emeotion othere than happiness
It has been forced apoun me by a socioty,
that only cares about apperance
If you stray from the path you must know
the same pain i feel of having craved that
smile into youre own face.

Socal Suicide
Walking to lunch alone
Talking alone
Picking up the bottle
Picking up the pill
If you don't
It's social suicide

Smiling along
Laughing alone
Makeup your face
Selfie suicide
Is socal Suicide

Fake followers
Unknown callers
No meals
Don't be different
Dont commit

SOCAL SUICIDE!!!

My World Geo class is so loud
Its like ive started floating in a cloud

My mind has gone blank
I feel like I need a crank to work

I can't feel my hands
My life is numb

It's too loud
Its time for a panic attack

I cant wait to have my 4th one today

A strawberry tastes like sitting in a field and the light is just going down so everything is golden and you're with you're GF/ girl best friend and she's wearing a sunflower dress with tewl and I'm wearing a white flowy puffy sleeves shirt with brown pants and we're just sitting there talking and existing for one perfect second

Looking into your eyes I see the pain as I stand at the edge my hair whipping in my face. I see you chained to the rocks. Inches from me, reaching out. Your screams silent and straining against the chains and wind.
I stare my enemy in the eyes as he reaches out to save my life. He had become my best friend and saved me from the girl who had tried to **** me. He still needed an enemy after all.
I look at you with your tear stained face
"I guess you were right from the beginning I AM a monster. I could never be saved."
I smile as you strain against the chains and I fall back off the cliff into the sea.

And Im falling
Falling through my thoughts
Falling down
Falling in
Falling alone
A void of stares
Silent stares
Im falling through
through my thoughts
Falling through my thoughts again
Goodbye ill try again
maybe we'll meet in another life
but goodbye
I say falling of the cliff

I was seven
I had run away
I climbed a tree high up in it's branches
Tall and reaching to the sky
I looked up and saw piece of heaven waiting for me
I reached for it. I leaped flying for one a blissful second
Then I was falling
Quiet as the wind on a summers night
I didn't wish to wake the world
I was falling blissfully in peace
I was seven but didn't wish to break the peaceful silence that I never got
It was just me
Flying in my mind
Reaching towards the safest place I had ever seen
But I hit earth and woke up in a place I didn't want to be again
I was back in my room
My parents had found me still reaching towards the sky
I haven't seen that place since then
I'm still waiting
Iv'e tried

Peace, falling, flying

Family dinner
Get to see family
Get to talk to people
Don't F it up
Talk normal
No the think you a disappointment already
Wear the worst make up ever
They already hate you
Don't talk what if you out youreslf
If you come out they will hate you more
Youre gonna be abused
Then your gonna run away and be homeless
Then youre not gonna get a job to pay for food
Then you DIE
Don't talk.

Fists balled in the lunch room
Music in my ear telling me to F it all
Friends yelling their disappointment
Rising rage and hate
Don't tell me to eat
Dont tell me what you think about my mental illnesses
They are mine and you can't dictate them
They control me
Zoned out
Punch her in the face
Laugh at her on the floor
5'9 best friend on the floor by her 5'2 short *** friend
Snapps in the face
Wakes up
Shes still yelling at me
Just wishful thinking
I didn't snap
I wanna snap
Im going to snap

Heavy is the crown upon the head of the queens of broken hearts and burning love
Heavy is the heart of the kings who lost the war

I don't know who i am
no i don't know who i am

I sit upon a throne of lies wearing a crown i didn't earn I stole this throne
And I will rule
I will be a God among humans
I will be the king among peasants
I will be the ruler they never saw coming

I don't know who I am
No I don't know who I am

I am the boy who will never love I am the boy who was never seen
I was the boy who killed himself to be the ruler he knew he was

Im a tall candle
I have a wick
I have a life

I light that candle to see
but as I do so my life melts away
it burns and melts

I was tall once
I was beuifule
I was warm

My skin has melted away
you can see the little marks left
you can see my wick in the middle

Im so broken inside
im so cut
im so burned
im so alone

i dont even know who I am anymore.
My personalaty has melted away into a pool of many others.
My name no longer belongs to just me.

I am a candle that once burned bright
but now is dead and cold
Im gone
melted away

sweet silent nothing
blank mind
no feeling
sweet dark bliss
no love no hate no pain no happienss
Dull
Grey
cold

Sharp
Deep breath
Color
Red
Pain
full of light
hate, happienss, pain
it all comes back for one sweet warm second

the its gone again in an instatnt

do it again
feel the light
feel the warm
see the color

Im not who i used to be

i want to stop
i have to stop
but i can't
this addiction brings back all the things that make me me

i dont want to be this

i want
i want to feel

Just a few more on they already rough skin
a few more cant hurt

Just a little deeper
feel a little longer

till it stops working
so you have to go deeper
It will help

no one has to know
no one has to see
its my own broken, ******, angry, hurt little secret

the way you look at me
while on the floor
with the bottle in hand

they way you look at me
while lying in the ****** tub
with the blade in my hand

they way you look at me
while tying the rope
around my neck

the way you look at me
while standing on the edge
so high i think i can fly

the way you looked at me
when I said goodbye
when you caught me
from the edge of that building
when i fell entangled in your arms

the way you looked at me
broke my heart

Another shot
Another cut
Another person
Another drug
Another day of numb
Another girlfriend
Another attempt

Just one more

You should "smile" more
Why do you always look so depressed
So I do
I smile
I laugh
I watch the world pass by me pretending
I smile
I laugh
I carve it into my face
I wish my poems came out the way my thoughts are in my head
It's all a mess
All jumbled up
Loud and harsh
Headache inducing voices that never shut up
The smile is disillusioned happiness
Smile
I keep smiling
I will smile myself to an early grave
With my actions
I no longer have any idea who I am
I list off my fake dreams and my fake goals
But I never believe I will live to make them a reality
I act fine and no one questions it
Im bitter and broken
Im angry and lost
I got sober for a while but thats when all the pain came back
I was clean for a while but thats when I could no longer take the internal pain
Pills
Potions
Blood
No longer happy
Overdose
But Im saved for one more excruciating day
Why can't you just let me die
Smile
Nothing happend
I'm fine
See im smiling
Smile
All your problems will be solved
I don't remeber what my real smile looks like
I'm so numb and empty
I just wish smiling wasn't a chore
I wish I could write my esseys the way I write my poems or books
I don't know whats so ****** up with my brain but thats ok
I'll just smile for one last day on earth
Im scared for any change though
The pain has become a fimillar feeling
I feel lost without it
I feel like of im not in pain I don't have a personalty
My mental illnesses have become my personality
I'm no longer a person just a problem
One last

My addiction is not to drugs or alcohol
Not to nicotine
No
My addiction is people
My addiction is wanting to fall in love
My addictions is no longer being able to fall in love now because i'm addicted
I'm addicted to you

Tiny little things
Pretty little things
Broken little things

Little me
1st grade me
Sitting on the swing
My best friend beside me
A pinky promise on a playground
A promise now long forgotten
A promise of friendship forevermore
A promise too soon broken

Little me
2nd grade me
Sitting on the slide
No one beside me
No more promises left to be broken

Little Me
4th grade me
Sitting on the swings yet again
This time it was me next to me
But it wasn't me
He leaned over and stuck out his pinky
He said he'd always be here
He'd never leave me

Little Me
5th grade me
Sitting on the swings
His hand in mine
An invisible person
An invisible friend
He has yet to leave
His promise left yet unbroken

Innocent Me
6th grade me
Sitting on the playground wall
Sitting there with him
Hes grey eyes
His short spiky white hair
His soft smile
His sad eyes
They were always sad
My only friend
His promise sits unbroken

Cut me
7th grade me
Sitting alone
A girl moos in my face
I laugh at her
My long hair falling in my face
Hi my name is Dory
She looked at me
I said go away
She sat down anyway
Where he usually sat
But I couldn't find him
His promise now broken in my eyes
I slowly forgot my invisible best friend

New Me
Broken me
8th grade me
Hi I'm the invisible friend
I now realize that he was me
He was who i'm supposed to be
I now know he never left
I now know his promise will be forevermore
He will never break it
I just found out who I was
I found out I was He

Little Me
Innocent Me
Happy me
Not Me
His promise never broken

Untitled
That Is what MY story is
My story has not a title
MY story
It has no title because it will end soon
I will wait until the last period is placed
I will wait till the cover is closed
I'm not ready to be labeled yet

I am an artist
I draw only with silver markers
I use only the color red
On paper thin skin
With wrists so sore and scared
From words left so unspoken
and Lies that saw the light

I am an artist
Crafting my own destruction
Using tools so beautiful
Like paint on a canvas
And silver brushes marking the smooth soft surface
I use the blooms of white flows now dyed red

I am an artist
Fulfilling my own dream
With swift marks
And Angry motions
With dark colors
And red paint
With colorful bottles of unknown origin
With liquid like gold
And dead mans poison

I am an Artist
Of pain and death

I am an Artist
Of which I am no more

Pin wheel
The colorful play toy at carnivals  
The things that move in wind
But what about life
In a way life is like a pinwheel
It is colorful and delicate
It has many sides
A colorful side and a dull side
A happy and a sad side
Life is delicate
if you let go it'll blow away in the wind
If you hang on you may loose some but not all
Life is like a Pinwheel