Do you mind if I use you for inspiration? Could I look at your lips and borrow the words that drip, slowly and coldly?
Could I use the feel of your arms to really let them know what it’s like to feel lonely?
Could you graze my cheek with the stubble on your jaw so I can be reminded how quick my blood use to rush before?
Before you left.
Before I failed your only test.
A test that told me slowly and coldly, I would never be enough for you. A test that told me how it feels to be lonely.
The test that made my blood rush, my lips hush and my heart lust.
Could I use you for inspiration in hope that one day, to someone-
I might just be enough?

I know sometimes you don’t feel it.
Sometimes you aren’t okay.
Sometimes it’s hard for you to tell me you love me.
Sometimes it’s such a shame.
Because you have the greatest smile, touch and laugh.
I drink your words like bleach.
I soak in them like a bubble bath.
The way you kiss my hair.
The way you stroke my spine.
The way you take my breath away.
The way you know I’m never really fine.
We share a love so unusual.
Others would surely laugh.
I understand your embarrassment.
I just hope it doesn’t last.
Because I love the way you reach for my hand in public.
I love it when you stare.
I love how you can’t concentrate on the road up ahead.
I love how your reading this.
You never knew it was here.
I hate how you don’t understand.
How you don’t see what I see.
I hate that you let go of my hand.
I hate that sometimes you cant tell me you love me.
I hate that I embarrass you.
I hate that you notice when they stare.
But more than anything, I hate it when you’re not here.
I love you more than words can say.
More than my heart can truly show.
I hate that you can only truly love me, when nobody’s around to know.
I couldn’t find these words at that time.
But I’ve written them out now.
So maybe one day when we’re laying in your bed, you’ll find them and read them out.
I’m not writing this to dig.
I don’t want to scream or shout.
I want you to know I love you.
This is the only way I know how.

My survival has left,
His words and all.
The embrace he once offered,
Became harsh words that he ushered.
He loved me for a while,
Until he could love me no more.
He sat into his car,
He closed his door.
I treasure his last hug,
That last nervous peck.
I must've known somewhere inside,
His love for me was dying.
Not only was his love,
So was his unborn child.
When his friends heard of this,
The abuse was petty yet vile.
To joke about the miscarriage,
Of my true loves child.
And true love it were,
I made him feel all his worth.
I was the first brush against his skin,
I was the first naked body under his sheets.
I drank the guilt from his sin,
I kissed the spot where his heart beats.
Only to awake to a message from my love,
Our relationship was negative,
He wanted to leave and be done.
I let him go,
It killed me so painfully.
So slowly.
It was like a torturous death,
And he was the beautiful reaper.
He plucked me apart piece by piece,
He plucked until I could barely hold myself together.
He let me bleed and cry.
I'm sure my screams would've been heard for miles.
If it wasn't for the silence from my love...
And my unborn child.

Are you happy?
Are you smiling?
Did I cross your mind?
Did you remember my kiss on your cheek?
Was that the feel of my hand?
Did I drink from that glass?
Do you remember that photo?
I’m no longer yours.
Are you happy?
Are you?

You never got to read it.
That message I wrote for you.
We both hurt eachother.
We forced love on one and other.
I hated your message goodbye.
Take care.
Sleep tight. X

I put ice on the wounds you marked me with.
I ignored those words on your lips.
I strayed from your friends and family.
I didn't need them to live.
I kissed my mum goodnight,
That night I didn't cry.
Instead I turned out the light and tucked myself in.
I met a familiar face that day.
I hadn't seen them in a while.
I dreamt of his smile and his shy spoken voice,
you didn't cross my mind in any sort of way.
It was like he had drenched me in peace.
He had no idea he was capable.
He had no idea he had saved me that day.
Now he kisses the places you once marked.
He's taken away all off the pain.
He makes me feel strong and he makes me feel pure.
He tells me he loves me and I know he's not lying.
You hurt me once.
He's the reason I'm surviving.

He was a simple stroke of serendipity with eyes that showed more colour than her emotions. Slowly he took down each of her walls, he looked past her insecurities. He reached for her heart before her hand and promised her a world full of hope. Something about his smile and the warmth of his arms told her, there was no need to hope. She already had it all.

Because I have you.