We move slowly
Our own cold breaths adding
To the dense mist already surrounding us.
You rest your small head atop mine
And cling dearly to my skull.
It's hard to think that
This will be our first Christmas alone
In seven whole years.
I let out a deep sigh, and continue walking
The sound of the snow crunching with each step
As we make our valiant march towards the station
Eventually, we arrive
You had fallen asleep some time ago
Yet you still cling for dear life
Scared of being alone
Scared of being cold
Scared of growing old
And seeing this all play out again
Just with different actors.
The train pulls up to the station
And offers us a temporary shelter from the cold
I lift you off of my shoulders
And hold you in my arms.
And we both drift off to sleep
During my dream.
I dream of a never-ending summer
That summer, just the three of us.
The picnics, the beaches, the smiles
But the sun will come back soon enough
Albeit half as bright.
I go back further
To before you were born
To the first day I met her
Still so young
I wish you could have seen her like this.
We arrive home
You are now alert and awake
But still silent as ever.
You walk into the living room
And curl up in her chair
Next to the tear stains of last night
I head to the kitchen
Knowing the remedy for your sadness
She taught me this the day before she left
I make you a cup of cocoa
Just as she would
I wait for it to cool down, before pouring it into your cup
I place the lid on to ensure you don't burn yourself
And even give you a handful of marshmallows
You and your mother's favorite snack.
I place the cup and sweets on the table next to you
Before shaking you lightly
To remind you that I'm here
You give no response to me
And continue to sob
As you have for the last two weeks.
I place the cup in your hands
"Here, you always drank this in the winter"
You notice the cup immediately
And eagerly drink from it.
The nostalgia from its taste
Now causing bittersweet tears
To line your tiny cheeks.
Once you finish your drink and snack
I carry you to your bed
Both of us exhausted
By the cold outside
As I slowly leave your room
I hear a faint voice behind me
"I think mommy is very proud of you"
These words hit my heart like a speeding train
Tears well up in my eyes
And I turn to you with a smile
"I think she's very proud of the both of us."
As these words escape my trembling lips
I close your door
And head back downstairs.
What she thinks of me
I'll never really know
But I think she sees you
As being purer than the snow.
A poem about continuing, but not forgetting.