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Gavin Barnard May 2016
I love you
But I don't know
What's left to love.

I hate you
But I don't know
What's there to hate.
I'm feeling something never felt before and it doesnt feel good.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2016
By the time I'm 80,
Those 29200 days
Will seem like seconds.

Thats how my highschool days
Have felt, and I've finished
Only a few months ago.

29200 days to build,
To write, to tell
What exactly goes on
In my circus of a brain.
29200 days isnt very long, and not a single one is promised.
Gavin Barnard Sep 2017
Memories, regrets, failures,
I have to let them go,
Toss them to the wind,
Learn from them and move on.

Forgive the past,
Live in the present,
Believe in the future,
Or this night,
Like many others,
Will never seem to end.

Or this night,
Like many others,
Will be extended
Several long hours,
With a tormented brain
And hyperactive imagination.
Sometimes, having an imagination like mine *****. I have stuff to do tomorrow and my head hurts more than usual. I just wanna sleep.
Gavin Barnard May 2016
I hate humanity.
I hate always competiting
Just for something vague,
Something temporary, or worthless.

The world runs on money, hate and greed,
We destroy everybody that opposes us.
We follow every worthless rule,
Are spoonfed what they want us to believe
And we open our mouths and accept it
Because its so easy to not have to move.

The world is ****** up, its far from okay.
Some people struggle to drop a little pain.
Its absent of love, absent of compassion,
Fake friendships are all I find for miles.
What I want is out of reach,
Theres no more "how to" guides
On something real, something true.

I want a real friendship.
A colorful one, not just red or blue,
One where we care about each other
And what we worry over.
One who will truly watch my six,
One who will fight demons from hell
That threaten our bond,
Somebody I will do the same for.
I can't find it because it doesn't exist, not where I'm at at least.

Don't Bring Me Down by The Animals is my jam XD
Gavin Barnard Jan 2015
Youve been gone for
Just a few miuntes
And I already ache
With your absence.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2015
I think depression and face masks
Are my two best friends.
Depression because no matter
How hard I try to push it away,
It's always there for me.
Face masks because no matter
How down I'm feeling,
They always make me smile anyway.

I'd rather be alone
With my depression and masks
Than with somebody
Where I hurt myself.

I sometimes wish my hands were guns
Because depression and my face masks
Like to taunt and torture me.
Together, they make me feel like ****
And hide myself from the others.

And my headaches,
They don't go away,
I kind of want them to stay.
And I'll keep them to the point
Where the only cure
Is a bullet to the brain.
Gavin Barnard Jun 2015
Insane, never was inane,
Always living with pain.
Its another great day
To release all of your hate.
Gavin Barnard Sep 2017
Its another lazy Sunday afternoon.
Its wet but it isn't raining,
The sun is hiding behind clouds,
My feet are freezing through my socks.

Time ticks away at a slow pace,
A car passes every few minutes.
Despite the damp air, my hands are dry,
And music does nothing to fill the holes.

The televisions runs without stop,
A ****** mystery re-run
Fills the background with voices,
A futile attempt to cover the silence.
Sundays like this ****.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2015
Today, I decided to write a depressing poem.
A poem about cutting and crying,
Wishing and wanting,
Gelotophobia and BPD.

I also decided to write something different,
Something new, something cool.
Something that looks straight at you
And says "look how depressed I am"
But it's not like I don't do that already.

I'm full of apathy, an expressionless face.
All my emotion was beat, came in last place.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will utterly destroy me.

I'm a nihilistic anarchist,
A megalomaniac atheist,
A suicidal terrorist,
An anti-social apathist.
I know apathist isn't a word, but whatever. Lewis Caroll made up words.
Gavin Barnard Feb 2017
The funny thing about me
And the infamous writer's block
Is that although I rarely have it,
Its worse than everybody dying
Except for me.
If you really look at it, everybody dying except one person would ****. Would they not only be unable to reproduce, but theyd have to find their own food and survive in sheer isolation and pure lonliness. Even if that one person was already pregnant, theres the chance the child would be female if its born at all, because the woman would have to survive alone while pregnant.

I've been here for two years and I still dont know how a poem trends.
Gavin Barnard Apr 2015
I'm afraid of just two things.
The first is losing you,
The second is being manipulative.

I'm afraid of abusing you,
I'm afraid of misusing you.
I'm afraid of hurting you,
Showing you someone I'm not.

If you want to make a change
In anything, I'll help you.
If you're hurt, in pain,
I won't leave you.
It's my decision to stand by your side
Until I know everything is okay.

I'm going to support you
In everything you do,
No matter how tempting it is
To either of us,
No matter how bizzare the situation.

I know that I don't want to
Marry anybody yet,
You're no exception,
But I have morals, codes,
Rules I live by
And how I treat people.

I live by an eye for an eye,
And you deserve more than I can give.
You deserve my protection,
My belongings, my money,
Everything I have.
But I wouldn't say that you deserve my life,
Although I would take a bullet for you
Any day that I walk this earth.

I've seen plenty of "men" treat women like
Its World War One all over again.
Neither side gains ground
And prefers to hide in their trenches,
Protected by machine guns and barbed wire.

And some of the ways I've seen on TV,
Some of the stories I heard from family,
Read in books, seem in video games,
They just make me sick.
I never want to become what I hate.

I'll get angry and frustrated at times.
I'll get ******* to the point where
I'll just walk away.
But I swear,
If I ever hit you, or any girl for that matter,
I'll be killing myself in the process.
Gavin Barnard Feb 2015
I thought I had a friend in you,
The kind I could laugh with
And not feel terrible.
Not the kind that I trust
And hand to you all of my fears.

You made fun of my love life and
The very thing that ruined my soul
And didn't bother hiding it.
It was right there, direct.
You laughed about it
Even as I tried to hide myself.

I thought I could trust you
But it seems like I was wrong.

I can't trust the teachers either,
They **** me with every word they preach.
"You need to eat more, you're too skinny,"
Well I'm not sorry that
I'm not an elephant
That wants to be heavy.

I don't have a problem with my life
That doesn't come from them.
Things would be perfect if
People just shut the **** up.

I know I need to work
But I don't want any friends.
There's only one person I trust
Because she accepts me for who I am,
She tries to make me feel better
And all I can do is the same in return.

Even if she wasn't possessive over me
I wouldn't want you near me anyway.
She's a much better friend
Than you ever cared to be.
Gavin Barnard Nov 2017
Its all I think about,
Something I long for
But I'm afraid to do.
It'd be so easy,
But what if somebody catches me,
Or what if I fail?

Its been years since I last cut myself,
And I want to take it up again.
Nothing is stopping me.
This time I'll go deeper,
And keep it to my thighs.
I want my scars easy to hide.

I keep thinking about killing myself,
A thought I'm unable to hide,
But its welcoming, soothing.
Just knowing theres a way out
Keeps me calm, keeps me wondering.

What happens to me after I die?
A thought I think about a lot,
Rebirth being the worst of the theories.
And what would happen to you?
Would you be too busy to mourn,
Would you talk to my corpse?
Gavin Barnard Jul 2015
I can't believe that after today,
My heart still beats.
Gavin Barnard May 2016
I'm tired of your *******
Mass brainwashing schemes.
Do you really expect me
To believe that money is everything
When theres a whole world to see?

I don't care about nice cars,
Big houses or hot wives.
I want what others seem to lack
And thats basic satisfaction
With a touch of happiness.

Maybe one day I'll sit in the sun
And do nothing but listen to trees.
Maybe I'll write love poems to a girl
That I one day might want to marry
Or tell my children a wartime story.

I'll come home after a work day
To a loving family and be happy
For all the things I have made
Because there are some who don't have
A beautiful country with nice people.

I'll be thankful for what I have
And take nothing for granted.
Just thinking. I prefer mountains to trees and have no children nor a girl I love.
Gavin Barnard Dec 2014
I thought you were just another girl.
Just another person to pass the time
And yet another broken memory.
But now I see that you're much more than that.

You're the person that fills my head
With good, happy thoughts.
Things that I miss
And regret tossing.

You're the person I crave at night,
To hold each other tight
When I can't fall asleep
Without shedding a few tears.

You're the person That keeps me alive.
Holds my sanity together,
Makes me think twice about suicide.

You're the whole reason for my existence.
Gavin Barnard May 2016
I may be an agnostic
But that won't stop me
From falling in love
With a religious girl,
It'll only slow the descent.
Gavin Barnard Nov 2015
Does it look like I care
About what you look like?
I mean, I do care,
But it doesn't ******* matter.*
You're always beautiful to me,
Even if your skin were green.
So long as your heart is made of roses,
You're the most beautiful girl
In my mind, not my eyes.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2015
A hero to me is not
Somebody who sets trends
For fashion or clothing.
It is not some guy that goes to the gym often
Or some girl with a bad twerking habit.

A hero is not
Or a girl or guy that decides to get
Plastic gender reconstructional surgery
To be a completely new person,
Nor is it a guy or group of them
That can sing pre-written songs
Through auto-tune and be millionaires.

A hero is not
A boy that says I love you and means it
Or a girl that never lets your hand go.
Sure, those are amazing,
But not hero qualities.

A hero is somebody, anybody
Who puts their lives
Between you and an invader.
Whether that invader
Is domestic or foriegn
A human or pathogen,
They're risking their lives
Just to save yours.

A hero is not somebody
Who will **** to keep their family fed,
A hero is somebody that will stand up and ****
When theres a gun pointed at their heads.
Gavin Barnard Nov 2015
Catch the coals, burst into flames,
Become the earth's human slave.
A man of ash, nothing but sand,
Reshape this ever changing land.

Hands of stone, arms of strength,
Bear the earth's hefty weight.
For a hundred million years
Say no words, hide out of fear.

No love, no life, no existance,
The embodiment of lonliness.
Be the wind, be the dirt,
Be nothing but the worst.
Heavily inspired by Mastodon.
Gavin Barnard May 2015
If I gave you a list of my hobbies and dreams,
My fears, my interests and my tastes in music,
Would any make me less valuable, less important,
Or any less human than before?

I feel, I love, I hate, I scream.
I tap my feet to my music,
Move my lips to the words
And sing and fly to my perfect world.

I think, I dream, I smile, I weep,
Just maybe a little differently every week.
Was there ever a rule against that?
I have the right to change my mind,
I have the right to have an opinion.

I know I have no place in this world
And I didn't need school to learn that.
I know I'm the key to a chest that doesn't exist
But that doesn't mean I'm not here.

I'm breathing, I'm alive, I'm still a human,
Just maybe a little lost with no guidance,
But it'll be a cold day in hell before I get help
Because I feel like everything's okay.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2014
I feel like an alien in this mess.
Like everybody stares at me
As if I don't belong here.
Yet I'm forced to go there.

I don't want to be here,
I feel like **** when I am.
Getting away from this chaos
Takes a lot more than guts.

I have to go though,
Even if they didn't force me.
I need education to become a nurse,
Even though my goals require none.

I'll stay until its over,
Enduring the hardships
Your "scholars" give me and
The "help" your councilors hand me.
Gavin Barnard May 2015
I write my poems how
I want to write them.
You can't put a limit
On my creativity,
But I can put one on
Your slavery (over me).
Limits don't exist with unnumerable words to use.

**** my teacher. Complaining about being way behind when he shares stories completely unrelated to history.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2015
I know we wont
Get out of this house.
I've read too many books
To know the truth behind your lies.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2014
I never called myself a liar,
Always honest and pure.
But the day came when they saw
The pain they have caused.

They asked me why
And I answered I don't know.
That's a lie. Right to every bodies face.
I feel like I'm such a disgrace.

I'm not important or special.
If I was gone I could be replaced.
I'm just another poet
Sitting on a bench
In the most relaxing place I know
In a warm autumn day,
Crying my eyes out inside.
The only I place I can hide.

I have goals that don't require school.
Honestly, I can't be a tool.
People make mistakes without thought,
And proceed without cause.
I'm at the point where being right feels like being a fool.

Just because I'm different
Doesn't make me special.
But I'm telling you,
I don't want any help.
I want to fight my battles alone.
Stay away from me and leave me be.
Its all I ask. Its all I've ever asked for.
Yeah, a teacher saw my scars while practicing pulse with another student, and now they're going to get me "help" even though I don't want it. If there's one thing I learned in this class, its that I have the right to refuse treatment.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2014
Suffer in silence, all alone.
Worn down to the bone.
Everything is as hard as stone.

There are secrets I will not tell;
I'm living in a personal Hell.
How much further have I fell?

It burns in my chest
And nothing less.

My eyes make a flood
That turns dirt into mud.

My despair creates a swamp
Out of my life that I wish to stomp.

My hourglass is on its last grains of sand
As is the blood dripping from my hand.

Maybe its time to stop swimming,
Reach the bottom that'll soon be coming.
Gavin Barnard May 2015
I'm alone at a party,
Trying to make things not so awkward.
Just then, you complimented my phone case,
The only time somebodies ever came to me,
And thats all it took
To sky rocket what I think of you.
Gavin Barnard Feb 2015
All systems go.
Where am I headed?
Who ******* knows.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2016
Sometimes I forget to look in the mirror
To find the gross parts of my face.
Sometimes I forget to look in the mirror
To find some weaknesses I need to erase.

Whether its chin fuzz or excess grease
That I'll shave off and wash away
Or procrastination and laziness
That I'll eliminate for the day,
They are imperfections.

Every marine is perfect.
This I know to be true.
Every poolee is not perfect,
But we **** near well
Should be almost perfect.
I know perfection doesnt exist.
Gavin Barnard Sep 2017
There are few things better
Than getting cozy and lost
Within a **** good book;
And, due to my overindulgence,
Those few things
Are absent from my mind.
James Joyce = My Favorite Author? Maybe, I wanna read his book "Ulysses" first.
Gavin Barnard Jul 2015
I'm in love with
The words that burn my skin.
Gavin Barnard May 2016
This melody
Appeals to me,
My enemies,
My memories...

A meloncholy tune
Humming for me and for you.
Trust is long overdue,
Love has been lost among us two.

Earth's shade is in the sky,
The sun is on the other side.
I listen, teary eyed,
Yet not enough to make me cry.

Memories in my head,
Pondering what we could have been.
No will to go again,
No victor present in the end.

Suffocating regret,
I have three reasons to forget
Your malicious intent
For some temporary repent.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2017
I keep seeing you in my dreams,
Walking to school like friends.
Exploring secret paths together,
Trading games and stories.

Your hair was short and brown,
With small curls, as was how it grew.
Your eyes were as dark blue
And as deep as the ocean itself.

I always thought you were cute,
With a laugh that warmed my heart,
But after a decade of age, I can no longer say.
I don't even remember your name.

I remember what your house looked like,
I remember the layout, and the furniture.
But I've never met your father,
And you never spoke of your mother.

I want to talk to you again,
Way back when we were free
From the realities of the world,
But I don't know where to begin looking.
I think her name was Amelia, and she used to live on the same street as I; in a gray, concrete looking house. I wish to find her and talk to her again, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I think she moved out of state, and we had no way of contacting each other, but I'm unsure.

There are a few things I wish we could have done together, but the only one I'll say is that I wish we could have spent more time together and be better friends.
Gavin Barnard Nov 2014
The country made of mass media and fat, obedient dogs.
It *****.
Gavin Barnard Jan 2015
It's your friend.
You should care.
She's crying.
You're laughing.
Gavin Barnard Jul 2015
Love is like an angel's game
But cuts my heart
Like a devil's blade.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2016
I believe in anarchy.
If our leaders keep
******* everything up,
Why have them, right?

Of course, I believe
In our constitution too,
I swore to defend it and I will.
And I understand the
Reason behind laws
And police officers.
We'll keep those,
But America is meant
To be a country for the people.

No government officials,
No government agencies,
No government experiments
Of bombs or biological weapons
On its own populations.

School should be optional,
Living in the city
Shouldn't change too much.
Knives should be allowed
For open carry.
All guns should be legal,
****** should not.
If somebody shoots at me
I should be able to shoot back
But with more firepower.

There should be, however,
Jobs that tie the people together.
A community vote on everything.
But we should make sure
That no one person
Has more power nor freedom
Than the next.
I don't give a **** about the president, but if he tries to burn the American Constitution or turns weapons on the US civilians, I'll put a bullet in his head.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2015
Its only been a few minutes,
I forgot how much exactly,
But I'm already crying
And I don't know when I'll stop.

You gave back my heart,
The thing I trusted you with,
And it came back in pieces.
Now its guarded heavier than ever.

I thought we would last forever,
But it seems like I cared too much.
I faced my worst nightmares,
Something bigger than laughter.

I fought for you, me, us.
I fought for something
That I stood up for,
And I lost.
I lost everything I cared about.
Gavin Barnard Mar 2016
Imagine being born
In this strange, beautiful world.
Fresh air and green grass,
Hills and trees stretching for miles.

You get fed twice a day,
Plenty of freedom within your fence,
Nothing to do
Except what your owner wants you to.

One day he has you
Working in the fields,
Endless hours of tilling
Fields for food you won't eat.
What you get is their waste
Filled with steroids
And artificial growth hormones.

Years after you've began,
They decided that they
Don't need you anymore,
So they cage you up
And send you to your death.

An inhumane slaughterhouse
Where they only rarely
Put down, ****, the animal
Before they are skinned,
Boiled, eviscerated, inspected,
Boxed, frozen and forgotten.
Gavin Barnard Feb 2016
There's gotta be a better way
To release all this anger
Than screaming in silence.
Guess who gets ******* luck every day of the year.

I honestly like being angry but sometimes there's too much.

Music, card games and watching usmc videos helps, but reflecting on myself works.
Gavin Barnard May 2015
Just because you know
How high the plane is
Or where its going to land,
Doesn't mean know how many passengers
It carries or how much it weighs,

Or how much will survive a crash.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2014
This new emotion has overcome me
Like "The Masque of the Red Death".
It tears me up inside
As though I have nothing to hide.

There are days which I wish
I couldn't feel at all.
Not love nor hate
Or any miserable state.

I can't express enough
How much is too much.
This emotion is a sort of
Heart attack, only in my mind.

This feeling bears undesirable weight
Upon these miserly shoulders I hold.
A weight on my chest
Never before foretold.

I promised I wouldn't do it
But there I go again.
You tossed yours away,
Mine are here to stay.

This addiction I have relieves my stress.
My shoulders are sore and my chest
Is in unrest. I tried not to, I swear,
But I was overcome by fear.

To make it worse its mixed up
With anxiety and excitement.
Fighting over control, my body
Can't take it. My emotions are free.

It'll **** me by the time
I meet my unknown love.
But I will always endure
For a love so pure.
I ******* hate emotions right now.
Gavin Barnard Jan 2015
Whenever I hear the words
****, drugs and Kansas,
My heart explodes inside.

More than any other word.
Not apathy, angst, or suicide.
They don't hurt as much.

They say that love is defined
By the feeling of loneliness
In the absence of the other.
By caring more about them
Than caring for yourself.

I know that you're busy,
But sometimes I think
You're playing games with me.

Just to laugh and make me feel like ****.
To make me feel worthless
And hopeless inside.

You've hurt me and I don't want you.
But I still love you
And want you to be okay.

It's not as easy as 1 2 3
To forget about you.
I still want you safe.

But you've fallen like a meteor
Out of space above our heads,
And I'm still getting the blast effects.

If I could completely
Forget about you, I would.
But I can't.

I love you too much
Just to give up like that.
To cower away and waste our days.

There's others I can go with.
Other people that make me smile,
But I just want you.

I want you to be okay,
I want you to be safe.
Just to say **** everything,
You're the only thing I need.
But you have somebody
Who isn't me and you love him
A lot more than me.

I never wanted you to talk to me,
I never wanted you to come back.
Three times I let you in,
And three times you've destroyed me.
Gavin Barnard Jul 2015
My head ******* hurts
Because I'm always the bad guy,
When really its your shortcomings
That ruin everything.

I may have my violent fantasies
But none of my dreams will come true.
I revel in chaos so I ought to start
Letting everything fall apart.

I shouldn't care about you
Because its more than obvious that you hate me.
When I'm gone I'll never come back
And I promise that all you'll become
Is but a traumatizing memory to me.

I never could call you a part of my family,
What makes you think you mean something to me?
You're disgusting, volatile, and apathetic.
All you can do is **** people over
In two ways I can think of off the top of my head.

I'm not-so-human but you're a pure animal.
You eat everything you see
And destroy anything in your way,
Taking whatever you want
And not a second thought
To others who need.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2014
I feel like an animal
In this system called "school".
Teachers want to control these walls.
Students want to **** these halls.

I can't choose where I go.
I'll be kicked around by the
"friendly" authority.

In between classes
I'm among masses.
I'm being fed lies
In their red eyes.

I just want to leave
To where my poetry runs free.
Why can't this be?

My friends want my secrets
By pounding his **** into me.
I believe I lost them already
To the school who had made me.

They keep me "healthy" for free.
A pound of grease and cheese
On a cardboard sheet
Called "pizza", or Thursday's specialty.

In here, I'll die from conformity.
If this goes on I'll lose my insanity.
Sadly, no more poetry for me
Or that dream I have in thee.

"Be yourself and on your knees,
At my mercy with the sheep"
They did not have to say.

"Stay away, I'll run and flee.
I'll break your knees
If you're after me" I wish
I had the power to say.

"Get the ******* of me
And let me reign free
With my girl and
Love for poetry!"
I want to say to my peers,
My fellow, misled sheep.
Gavin Barnard May 2017
Buffs twice, waves, I bow,
Apparently gonna be a duel.

He spams light attack,
I punish with backstab,
He heals, not really a duel,
He starts spamming spells,
Make my character bleed,
Almost dead, he kills himself.

Kinda wish I got hatemail.
Didn't even heal.
Gavin Barnard Jun 2015
Another day of arriving late
Despite what my mother says.
I don't think they even mark me late anymore,
They've just given up on me as everyone does.

But that's okay, its alright.
There comes a time when it'll get to me.
I'm always in the back of every line
And never have I ever had a problem with that,
So long as there's some left over for me.

Video games is all I'll ever be, right?
A little bit of anime and little more poetry.
Maybe a few crushes and a few failed projects.

The inability to grow some *****
And ask the guy sitting right next to me
To be my boyfriend for as long as he can.

I think its more of the fear of embarrassment
And gelotophobia than it is of getting rejected.

I want to tell him
In that one critical moment,
Where we can only think of each other
After one massive **** storm
"I don't care what you do
So long as there's me and you."

And next thing I realize
I have nothing to say to him without making things look weird.
I have no not-awkward way of telling him,
And thats not okay with me, but it is with everybody else.

Its just another normal day for me.
Starting to make up words even though my dictionary says they're wrong lol
Gavin Barnard Aug 2015
I sleep when others rise,
And while they rest, I thrive.
Energy drinks and starlit skies
Makes my body feel so alive.
And when the sun closes its eye
And everybody lays down to die,
I get up to find a new way to fly.
I can't find home if I don't survive.
I wanted to use this in a larger poem, but everything I wrote to go with it ****** compared to this.
Gavin Barnard Oct 2016
Dadaism does not run in my blood,
Not in my ink, not on my tongue.
It only runs as electrical pulses
Across the neurons in my brain
That make me curious and interested.
Dadaism is anti art, and dadaist poetry kinda *****, but the art is weird and I don't know if I like it.
Gavin Barnard Jul 2016
I have a love for knives
And the hate to ******,
But I also have morals
Without a god or religion.

I have the strength to ****,
The emotions to accept it,
USMC infantry for a thrill,
An iron fist of destructive will.

No mercy for the guilty,
No remorse for the dead.
No sanctuary for criminals,
No threat to the innocent.

I **** those who deserve it,
Punishment as he sees fit.
Guilty gets a demon, a hunter.
Innocent gets an angel, a savior.

Angels don't ****, but whatever.

Religion is for the weak, those too blind to accept the truth. Those without guidance who need a prefix to help them become who they are. It hinders an individuals uniqueness and their ability to reach their full potential. It helps some people, I know that much, but far too many people completely rely on it. Religion is not for me.
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