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1d · 102
I'm the only thing that matters now,
And I'm a disappointment to myself.
I've spent five years looking for excuses
Rather than opportunity or solutions.
Now I'm paying the price and falling behind.
I'm a special person in a normal world and all I want is someone to help. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses and I have no idea where to take them.
5d · 205
Just a Moment
If only we were judged by spirit
Rather than appearance;
If only we listened and saw
And stopped for a moment of thought.
If only I could get a job without the burnout. I could take a day and think about my future and still have no direction at the end of it.
Jun 13 · 375
Someone, Somewhere
Gavin Barnard Jun 13
Something is trying to take me out of reality,
Or rather, wake me from a dream.
Everything feels like a smear.

red pill pls
Apr 22 · 126
Gavin Barnard Apr 22
Another gravestone at my cemetery of dreams.
Lives on in my memories.
Intrusive thoughts won't leave me be.
Just realized I have a job and my fifth day is tomorrow. Why's everything so surreal?
Mar 27 · 44
Gavin Barnard Mar 27
It's like I'm completely immersed in a dream.

Half asleep and incredibly dizzy.

Toy tanks from a game years old

Moving fast at a snail's pace.

I hear unfamiliar voices

That I don't understand.

Maybe a morning talk show.

I feel sunlight from the window.

My skull is filled with led.

I smell breakfast.

Maybe scrambled bacon and eggs.

Where is my heartbeat?

I don't want to open my eyes.

I don't remember where I am.

Jolt up like Frankenstein.

These body parts aren't mine.

I see my room tilting.

My head is throbbing.

I want to go back to dreaming.
No, I'm not on anything. You tell me what's wrong with me. Maybe the therapist in my head knows.
Feb 27 · 33
Pocket Psychiatrist
Gavin Barnard Feb 27
Pocket psychiatrist,
Unlicensed professional.
All illnesses, short tests.
Nonsense questions,
Gullible answers.
High score, be proud,
Share it on Facebook.
maybe those psychotic episodes a year back were a sign lol
Nov 2020 · 59
Gavin Barnard Nov 2020
Wandering without purpose,
Crumbling from within,
Recurring nightmare,
Ancients rise again.
Never been one for rhymes, my poems last as long as my attention span and are as stale as reddit.
Aug 2020 · 186
Gavin Barnard Aug 2020
Why bother asking about my weaknesses?
They’re heard in every sentence I speak
And in every sentence I don’t say.
Probably weren’t listening,
Probably couldn’t hear me anyways.

Its not like I try to hide it.
I’m stronger than they believe. They’ll just call it laziness, but oh how little they know.
They don’t care. They just want something to fill their meaningless lives and the quickest way to do that is to push off others to swim ahead. They’ll never catch up to the CEO life they so yearn for.
Mar 2020 · 230
Gavin Barnard Mar 2020
Our flaws make us human.
Perfection is an illusion,
We are perfect by default.
To live without accidents,
Strife or mistakes would be
Not saying you should be a narcissist, but you need to focus on what you like about yourself, focus on what makes you happy. Happiness doesn't come from impression, but from expression.
Sep 2019 · 168
Gavin Barnard Sep 2019
Its like watching the world burn,
Watching people tear each other apart
While I’m floating in the sky,
Choking on the smoke and ash,
Desperately searching for an extinguisher
Only to find that we’ve burnt those too.

There’s no saving us, yet we press on
For that tiny glimmer of hope within us all,
Or is it denial or greed?

We live for superficial success
As the fire consumes us all.
Being infp is like...
Aug 2019 · 232
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019
I’m told I should chase my dreams,
That I’d be happier that way.
They’ve never left my head,
I cling to them like caffeine,
And yet they lead me astray.
Which ones do I chase? Each one is a book in a library that hasn’t been sorted and never go further than 100 pages.
Aug 2019 · 84
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019



They mock me with or without blood.
Aug 2019 · 325
Fog of Life
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019
I’ve made so many mistakes.
Half of my memories are regret,
The other half is what could have been.

This rope I’ve been traversing
Was once a wide plank.
The safety net is shrouded in fog,
As well as my destination.

For once, I am powerless,
I have no control over my fate,
And I don’t know how to fix this mess I’ve made.
Jul 2019 · 232
As Though It Matters
Gavin Barnard Jul 2019
The only thing I never understood about humanity
Is our cruelty and brutality towards each other.

We create problems where there shouldn't be any
Because that actor is black, gay, trans, etc.
Playing a role that was originally white.

They made a problem as though
Skin color actually matters in a children's story,
As though its okay to dehumanize
Based on such petty things alone.

We don't get to choose skin color.
We don't get to choose orientation.
We don't choose the conditions of our existence,
And they don't determine our worth.
I don't understand why we can't just love and help each other. Perhaps its for greed, fear, or attention?
Jun 2019 · 117
Gavin Barnard Jun 2019
Going home seems like a mere dream.

This headache hasn’t let up in ages.

The radio is half static and half old music.

Only three hours left to go until vacation.
At least we get air conditioning.
Jun 2019 · 90
Space Cadet
Gavin Barnard Jun 2019

True Freedom.

There's no such thing.

Even if we had no laws,
We'd still be under the dogma of society,
And without society
We'd still be limited by our core needs.

Being human,
Being physical,
Is limiting.

Such limits don't exist in our imaginations,
Yet people wonder why I often drift off into space.

Time doesn't exist there,
There's no rules to break,
No condescending eyes to judge,
Or narcissistic mouths to boast.

What's not to love?
May 2019 · 129
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Lazy, huh?
Is that what you call everyone
Who doesn’t care for motorsports
Smalltalk, alcohol or bonfires?

When was the last time
You’ve read a book?
Is it right for me to call you stupid
Based on the disrespect you’ve shown me?

Honestly, all you do after work
Is watch tv and get high,
Yet I’m the lazy one?
May 2019 · 142
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Be sure to bury your dead.
Wouldn't want any more mistakes,
Regrets, or bad memories,
Now would you?
Throw those toxic people out of your lives like the trash they are. Maybe I was toxic in the past, I don't know, its not for me to decide, but I'm trying my best to be a better person. Not for me, but for everybody else I'll meet.
May 2019 · 173
Gavin Barnard May 2019
They say the calm of the morning is healthy
As though the dead of the night doesnt exist.

The thing about the dead is that they’re asleep,
And they won’t wake up, either.

It makes me wonder if the dead have dreams,
Or if being dead would be better for me.
My life had only just begun
And I’m not excited for any of it.
So what do I do with my imagination? Nobody pays for nonsense, so how am I supposed to live the life I dream of?

4:45 AM is going to **** me, and if it doesnt then hunger will.
May 2019 · 84
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Learn to breath at the bottom of the ocean
And nobody will ever find the true you.
They like when their feet touch the sea floor,
They like when they feel safe.

Most people who try end up drowning,
The wise ones turn around.
Maybe I should try reading Moby **** again. Last time I got bored and lost interest : /

Maybe I should have sat on this a little longer than five minutes at three AM.
Apr 2019 · 170
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
I will never pry but I will always listen.
My interest is not in change or drama,
But in comfort.
Your secrets are safe with me.
Perhaps a career in therapy would be best suited to me.
Apr 2019 · 103
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
Whats the point of going to bed
If I’m just gonna lay here for four hours,
Thinking of things I wish I never thought?

My alarm goes off in three hours.

Do I keep trying, or do something else
And power nap before my first day?
Maybe there’s something at the dollar store that’ll help me sleep.
Apr 2019 · 116
Something Deeper
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
I don’t like money,
I don’t want any of it.
Does that mean I’m bound to fail?
No, it doesn’t.
Something deeper drives me.

The last thing I want
Is to disappoint my family.
Thats failure to me.
I don’t want to be a leech anymore,
I want to stand on my own two feet
Without somebody holding my hand.
Now I need to find a career that suits my strengths and avoids my weaknesses. Where to look, though?
Mar 2019 · 111
Gavin Barnard Mar 2019
One of the more hidden,
Gross effects of the cold war
Is how comfortable we are
Knowing that at any moment,
One man may erase mankind
With the push of a button.

Our grandparents were frightened.
Its not like theres anything we can do about it, or is there?
Mar 2019 · 1.1k
Gavin Barnard Mar 2019
Maybe a soft heart
Is a disabilty
In this cold world.
Feb 2019 · 100
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
You dont care about the facts,
You just want easy answers.
I’m the only one not talking,
So it must be me right?
Nobody here could possibly be a liar.

Quick to point the finger,
Quick to pull the trigger;
As though placing the blame
Will make the problem go away.
League of Legends is full of kids and its toxic as **** and I love it.
Feb 2019 · 100
Blank Books
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
My heart yearns for nothing,
So what is it that I should seek?

Life will always keep pushing us down,
But what if I’ve never stood alone?
Maybe thats what I desire most,
Solitude and independence,
But how should I proceed?

Life is writting a novel with a pen,
You can’t undo your mistakes,
Even if you cross them out
And rewrite history.
But what words do I choose?
Maybe my dad will let me be a shut in for the rest of my life. He’s the best but I dont think he’ll like that, he wants me to do better than him in life.
Feb 2019 · 1.2k
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
It never was about the killing,
Crushing monsters for the experience or LOVE.
My actions are not without reason, though.
Every monster, every human,
Every living being,
I feel their hatred searing my soul,
I feel their fear crushing my heart,
I feel their determination cutting my throat.

I feel your endless passion and rage to stop me.

Feeling your emotions is what I love most,
Because no matter how hard you try,
No matter how many times you **** me,
I will **** everyone,
And over,
And over,
Until the end of time.
Chara is my favorite charavter from Undertale,
and I’ll sometimes make characters in other games based around him/her. However, I prefer the true pascifist ending.
Feb 2019 · 95
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
Maybe if I weren’t so ****** up
I’d go and help the people I care about
Instead of feeding my addiction,
Instead of faking impassable obstacles.

Its not my problem
And I don’t owe anything to them,
But I can’t help myself to hate myself
For saying no.
I feel like the betrayer.
Jan 2019 · 97
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
I understand your excitement
For snowmobiles and hunting,
The need for speed, as you call it,
Or supporting your family.
Its thrilling, exciting,
The adrenaline rush is addicting.

I prefer putting my mind to the test.
The satisfaction of completing
A difficult puzzle or book,
Or outwitting my enemies
In a friendly game of chess.
I love writing about the worlds inside my head,
Bringing my imagination to light.

All I ask of you is to try to understand,
Or at least love me for who I am.
There's two sides to every quarter and neither side is the wrong side.
Jan 2019 · 201
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
The path of the fool
Is the only path I’m fit to take.

The rest just push me away.
I want to do so much but have so little motivation. Seems like I’ve been left behind while everybody else got a little help to jump start their lives. I’m so lost and I don’t know which way my road is.
Jan 2019 · 104
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
I’ve always wondered
Why people did so much for money.
Its weightless and plentiful, easy to find.
I might need a lot for a giant stuffed animal
Or a bean bag chair,
But why would I go through all trouble
Of collages and careers and mortgages
When I could make my own special nick nacks?

Oh, right, I need to pay bills
So I don’t freeze this winter,
Or so I don’t have to eat dirt for dinner.
The alternative is begging,
And anything is better than that.

With the way humanity is going,
We’ll all be eating ashes and glass,
So I ought to buy my freedom early,
But nobody is impressed by arts and crafts.
Who’d stop by and purchase a dream catcher
When they could spend their money on bullets?
Jan 2019 · 240
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
Easy to look at
When they’re not on TV.
A thought worth sharing.
Dec 2018 · 165
Gavin Barnard Dec 2018
A touch of social anxiety
Makes cold drinks a treat,
Or, perhaps it’s video game addiction.
Making an attempt at reading these books I buy. I have a small library, more books than discs.
Nov 2018 · 1.7k
Gavin Barnard Nov 2018
I think I know what I want now,
The purpose I've been seeking,
But what do I know until I try,
And who's willing to offer their time?
Well I mean, there is one guy but we've been talking for months and its going incredibly slow. I'm not sure if he's into me.
Nov 2018 · 87
Gavin Barnard Nov 2018
Do you need somebody to offer you multiple choices
Like the common question type on tests,
Or are you strong enough to make you own
And follow through with reason and integrity?
Some people only get one choice.
Oct 2018 · 101
Gavin Barnard Oct 2018
Heroic Headhunters was hardly a guild,
More of a band of friends held together
With popsicle sticks and scotch tape
And tied down with promises he couldn't keep.

I don't know who he has left,
And thats why it crushes me to leave,
But hey, its just a video game right?
Maybe, but he's still my friend.

His history proves he's a control freak,
A self absorbed liar and weak player.
He pretends to be somebody great
But he'll never make it to our level.

He has one thing, and thats dedication.
Maybe thats why I stayed for so long,
But time is a luxury I hold close to my heart,
And I don't want to waste it waiting
To play this game how I want to play.
He's my friend and I still want to play with him but he's holding me back. I don't know if I can do this without crushing him or without lying, but I'm leaving his guild. The last one remaining, other than my cousin, and he's leaving too.
Oct 2018 · 184
Gavin Barnard Oct 2018
Its been a measly 21 years
Since the world burnt in nuclear fire,
And those red idiots are already having a war
Over ideals and power.

There will be no peace
As long as there is famine,
As long as there is struggle,
As long as there is life.
If your garden has failed due to weather or some other ****, and your neighbor has more than enough for winter, would you rather offer something for part of his crop or **** him for it? Maybe there's another solution.

Metro 2033 and Last Light are good games, just wish the entire city was open to explore rather than just the certain parts of the levels.
Sep 2018 · 787
Gavin Barnard Sep 2018
Just because we're unique
Doesn't mean we're broken.
Occasionally people will mock me for thinking I'm special. Like, "God ******, of course I'm special, just not to you ya **** ****. You don't even know me and there's 7 billion other people you don't know."
Aug 2018 · 2.0k
Memories Worth Saving
Gavin Barnard Aug 2018
Darkness is the night sky after a storm,
The power is out and the clouds are thick,
The only sounds are the creaking of the house,
The crickets outside, and the ringing in my ears,
And the only lights are the cars passing by
And the lightning strikes in the sky.

"Whats there to do other than get high,"
Some might say, while I
Use my time writing this moment down.
A poem captures so much more in darkness
Than a camera without a flash ever could.

A poem captures minds and hearts,
While a picture grabs glances and memories.
People only want to memorize happy moments,
Not heavy rain and power outages,
But this is my happy moment.
When every thing is dark and silent,
When people frown out of boredom,
When I finally feel like I'm truly alone.

Theres no internet connection,
No bars, no service,
Everybody else already left
To go get high somewhere else,
So that only leaves me
Alone with my thoughts and dreams
With no interuptions or distractions.

These are the moments I seek,
The conditions I thrive in,
And the memories I cherish.
I do enjoy spending time with my family (actually I don't I just say that to sound nice but I do love them), but I prefer being alone without internet than at a loud party. I also wanna go take a walk but my flashlight doesnt work and its dark and I don't wanna get lost (or maybe I do).

I also wish the power would turn back on because I just bought Diablo 3.
Aug 2018 · 178
Life Debt
Gavin Barnard Aug 2018
How am I supposed to be myself
When I don't know who I am
Or where I belong?

The world has no need for poets,
Only a small percentage of people care;
Nor does it need gamers
Or impractical ideas.

So I'm just supposed to work for minimum wage
At the cost of my dignity and freedom,
Or conform and accept the debt
And go to university?

I'll be a slave either way,
But my life is not for somebody else to control.
So where do I go from here?
My head hurts and my muscles ache, I hate my job, it makes me want to hurt myself, but I have debts I owe and won't let go unpaid.
Jul 2018 · 140
Daily Thoughts
Gavin Barnard Jul 2018
But that's the thing about humanity.
We're obsessed with progress.
Everything always has to get
Better and better and better,
But when is anything ever good enough?
Jul 2018 · 236
Gavin Barnard Jul 2018
Their mom is on hard drugs,
Has no place to call home,
Incapable of reading or writing.
They shouldn't be living with her,
They deserve something better.

I'd take care of them if I had my own place to stay,
If I could keep three mouths fed,
And even if I had that capability,
I'd still have to go through
Hours and hours of legal trouble
Just to even get a chance to take them in.
They'd probably end up with another
Jacked up family member anyways.
I've never worried or cared so much about two people I've only just met.
Gavin Barnard Jul 2018
I'm not saying I'm mature,
I still have a lot to learn.
What I'm saying is,
Rather what I'm asking,
Is when is the last time
You've made a ***** joke?
Can't remember?
It was about ten minutes ago.

What I want in a partner
Is somebody I can look up to,
Somebody I can learn from,
Not someone I look down upon
To try and change them.

I've learned more in the past few days
Than I have in my fourteen years of school
Trying to take care of you,
Making sure you and your brother have a place to sleep,
And you repay me by talking to other people,
Getting high with people I don't know,
Running off with friends I've never met,
Leaving me alone and stranded,
Surrounded by people I've never seen
In a place I've never been.
You call me strange like it makes me ****, smart like it makes me special, quiet like it makes me strong.

I admit, I was quick to love, but whats to be expected from a lonely human who craves and was given affection?

I don't know where I belong, but it sure as hell isn't here.
Gavin Barnard Jun 2018
Small talk is boring, useless,
Its nice to see them all again
But I'd rather be home
Putting my imagination
Into creative energy
Than talking to familiar strangers
And old friends.

I sit on the sidelines,
The outside looking in,
Playing my games,
Reading my books,
Jotting down notes,
Pretending to sleep,
Distracted by the noise.

I listen to them,
Talking about their accomplishments,
Talking about their failures,
Talking about others,
Pretending to be interested
Only to forget tomorrow.

Rarely will one talk to me,
Or yell across the room,
Interupt what I was trying to focus on
About petty things that dont matter
And laugh at my response,
And the rest talk about me
Like a zoo animal on display.
150% introverted.
Jun 2018 · 484
Gavin Barnard Jun 2018
Give us passions,
Not addictions.
Are five word poems still a thing?
May 2018 · 339
Gavin Barnard May 2018
A nation, an entire species,
So addicted to little slips of paper
That we know no other way of life.
It leaves us yearning for what we've lost,
For what gives life a meaning,
But will never find.
Before work thoughts.
May 2018 · 252
Gavin Barnard May 2018
What I learned today was how the IRA has America by the *****, and how they ruined our currency and crushed the American Dream for millions so that only a few may benefit. I learned not to apply for a loan or a credit card, and that its better to just wait.

I learned the fourty eight rules of power, and how to play both sides of a conflict in my favor, so that if the conflict ever ends, I win no matter the resolution, at little cost to myself, and without ever having to leave the shadows.

I learned how millenials were dealt a losing hand, being taught that they were special, that they could have anything they asked for, faces glued to their phones, and when they were ****** into the real world their sense of self worth shattered.

And I learned how my generation, iGen or Gen Z, are notable for our higher tolerance of different ideas and opinions, and our higher suicide rate than the previous generations, yet most of us are still in school or fighting wars for everybody else.

And I learned about ideas larger than myself, that I never would have thought of. Always being told I'm smart, by teachers, co-workers, family, enemies. Always taking advice and adding it to my arsenal. I learned how to set goals effectively, and what it takes to shatter those goals, taking two days to do what used to take me a month, shortcuts permitting. And I learned true patience, as compared to my old, juvenile understanding of it. Most importantly, I learned what I want in life, and what I have to overcome to get it, and where to begin, and how to avoid whats unrelated, and how to focus on it.

I'm still missing one thing, and thats what it means to go through difficult times and still keep my head up high. You can't see incoming threats staring at your shoes. You can always buy better shoes later, but only if you keep moving forward. Thats where the nice pairs always are.

Not a poem? I find rules and perameters limit my creativity, so **** em. On the contrary, they can help create interesting works.

Think what you want to think, think independently, its the one place you have true privacy. People can probe it and try to morph it, but ultimately, your mind is yours, and its your greatest gift, illnesses or no.
Apr 2018 · 142
Gavin Barnard Apr 2018
Its unfortunate how much we rely on money,
Little slips of paper or metal coins
That do nothing for survival,
It only complicates things.

In the animal kingdom they mean nothing,
But they're a symbol to us.
It'll follow us until our end,
Whether it means wealth and greed,
Hatred or war, famine and poverty,
Or it'll just be a relic of the old world
From a time before the bombs fall.
Creative enough to write a poem, but not enough to give it a title.
Apr 2018 · 127
Gavin Barnard Apr 2018
You can say what ever you want
Through Twitter or the news,
Call for change, hate the government,
But people won't listen to words.
They won't do what they're told
Unless they have a gun to their heads,
Or unless somebody else points a bigger gun back.
Who knows, maybe the people who speak up are just cowards who won't act without buddies to back them up, but either way, I'm the same as them.
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