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Jan 5 · 72
Untitled
It's the best job I've ever had,
But it isn't always so great.
Some days just ******* ****,
Some days I don't want to get up.
Some days I want to call in, stay home
And deal with my depressive episode.
My time is precious, and every minute I spend I'll never get back.
Aug 2021 · 109
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Aug 2021
I never learned how to climb a mountain,
But I am great at hiding in the mud.
I wish I could hurry and decompose,
Maybe then I'd give something worth giving.
I appreciate the offer to get me a counselor, but I'm not catholic and I don't think it would be enough.
Aug 2021 · 88
No, Really
Gavin Barnard Aug 2021
All I wish for is a permanent disability
Like sawing off my feet
Or faking a schizophrenia diagnosis
So I never have to step foot into a factory again.

All I wish for is to do something meaningful
And not have to suffer because of it.
All I wish for is to not be overcome by anxiety
And quit my jobs in a lucid stupor.

All I wish for is control over my life
Without a square abusing my time.
All I wish for is to be happy
Without being a dissapointment.

All I wish for is to make a living
Doing something that matters.
All I wish for is to make a living
Without drowning in misery.
Aug 2021 · 64
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Aug 2021
I don't want to waste my time
Flipping burgers for the ungrateful
Or watching a clock in a cubicle.
My gift is precious,
And its not yours to command.
ihateworkihateworkihatework
Jul 2021 · 363
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jul 2021
When I close my eyes I see...

I see orbs that are unlike
Yet reminds me off spider eggs.
I see impending, unavoidable doom.
I see nothing worth mentioning.
Jul 2021 · 224
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jul 2021
I'm locked away in my dreams.
I seem to have lost the key.
What you see is nothing more
Than a simple facade.
Don't worry I hired a locksmith
Jul 2021 · 83
Lethargy
Gavin Barnard Jul 2021
Sometimes I wish this place was toxic
So I could leave without feeling guilty.
I burn out faster than fireworks
But I guess I'll work until I'm dead.
I'll never be able to afford retirement
Until I learn to meet people
Without wanting to blow my brains out.
I don't understand.
Jul 2021 · 52
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jul 2021
Maybe I should cut myself again
Since I don't have the courage to say it.
Maybe this time I'll get help
Instead of an interrogation.
It's not like the signs are quiet.
I understand quantum physics but not this ****.
Jun 2021 · 218
Cycles
Gavin Barnard Jun 2021
I'm the only thing that matters now,
And I'm a disappointment to myself.
I've spent five years looking for excuses
Rather than opportunity or solutions.
Now I'm paying the price and falling behind.
I'm a special person in a normal world and all I want is someone to help. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses and I have no idea where to take them.
Jun 2021 · 248
Just a Moment
Gavin Barnard Jun 2021
If only we were judged by spirit
Rather than appearance;
If only we listened and saw
And stopped for a moment of thought.
If only I could get a job without the burnout. I could take a day and think about my future and still have no direction at the end of it.
Jun 2021 · 471
Someone, Somewhere
Gavin Barnard Jun 2021
Something is trying to take me out of reality,
Or rather, wake me from a dream.
Everything feels like a smear.

red pill pls
Apr 2021 · 176
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Apr 2021
Suicide.
Another gravestone at my cemetery of dreams.
Lives on in my memories.
Intrusive thoughts won't leave me be.
Just realized I have a job and my fifth day is tomorrow. Why's everything so surreal?
Mar 2021 · 72
Trance
Gavin Barnard Mar 2021
It's like I'm completely immersed in a dream.

Half asleep and incredibly dizzy.

Toy tanks from a game years old

Moving fast at a snail's pace.

I hear unfamiliar voices

That I don't understand.

Maybe a morning talk show.

I feel sunlight from the window.

My skull is filled with led.

I smell breakfast.

Maybe scrambled bacon and eggs.

Where is my heartbeat?

I don't want to open my eyes.

I don't remember where I am.

Jolt up like Frankenstein.

These body parts aren't mine.

I see my room tilting.

My head is throbbing.

I want to go back to dreaming.
No, I'm not on anything. You tell me what's wrong with me. Maybe the therapist in my head knows.
Feb 2021 · 65
Pocket Psychiatrist
Gavin Barnard Feb 2021
Pocket psychiatrist,
Unlicensed professional.
All illnesses, short tests.
Nonsense questions,
Gullible answers.
High score, be proud,
Share it on Facebook.
maybe those psychotic episodes a year back were a sign lol
Nov 2020 · 98
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Nov 2020
Wandering without purpose,
Crumbling from within,
Recurring nightmare,
Ancients rise again.
Never been one for rhymes, my poems last as long as my attention span and are as stale as reddit.
Aug 2020 · 218
Listen
Gavin Barnard Aug 2020
Why bother asking about my weaknesses?
They’re heard in every sentence I speak
And in every sentence I don’t say.
Probably weren’t listening,
Probably couldn’t hear me anyways.

Its not like I try to hide it.
I’m stronger than they believe. They’ll just call it laziness, but oh how little they know.
They don’t care. They just want something to fill their meaningless lives and the quickest way to do that is to push off others to swim ahead. They’ll never catch up to the CEO life they so yearn for.
Mar 2020 · 264
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Mar 2020
Our flaws make us human.
Perfection is an illusion,
We are perfect by default.
To live without accidents,
Strife or mistakes would be
Inhumane.
Not saying you should be a narcissist, but you need to focus on what you like about yourself, focus on what makes you happy. Happiness doesn't come from impression, but from expression.
Sep 2019 · 210
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Sep 2019
Its like watching the world burn,
Watching people tear each other apart
While I’m floating in the sky,
Choking on the smoke and ash,
Desperately searching for an extinguisher
Only to find that we’ve burnt those too.

There’s no saving us, yet we press on
For that tiny glimmer of hope within us all,
Or is it denial or greed?

We live for superficial success
As the fire consumes us all.
Being infp is like...
Aug 2019 · 354
Maladaptive
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019
I’m told I should chase my dreams,
That I’d be happier that way.
They’ve never left my head,
I cling to them like caffeine,
And yet they lead me astray.
Which ones do I chase? Each one is a book in a library that hasn’t been sorted and never go further than 100 pages.
Aug 2019 · 112
Bleed
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019
I
Just
Want
To
Bleed
But
I
Find
Myself
Great
At
Not
Repeating
Mis­takes.

Sometimes
It
Hurts
To
Leave
The
Blade
Alone,
But
I’m
Bett­er
Off
Without
It.

Wouldn’t
Want
Anybody
To
Be
Suspicious
Of
Me,­
And
Try
To
Pry
Their
Way
In
Like
Last
Time.

I’m
Better
Off
Leav­ing
My
Turmoil
Isolated
From
People
Who
Would
Mock
Me
And
Claim
T­o
Help.
They mock me with or without blood.
Aug 2019 · 365
Fog of Life
Gavin Barnard Aug 2019
I’ve made so many mistakes.
Half of my memories are regret,
The other half is what could have been.

This rope I’ve been traversing
Was once a wide plank.
The safety net is shrouded in fog,
As well as my destination.

For once, I am powerless,
I have no control over my fate,
And I don’t know how to fix this mess I’ve made.
Jul 2019 · 259
As Though It Matters
Gavin Barnard Jul 2019
The only thing I never understood about humanity
Is our cruelty and brutality towards each other.

We create problems where there shouldn't be any
Because that actor is black, gay, trans, etc.
Playing a role that was originally white.

They made a problem as though
Skin color actually matters in a children's story,
As though its okay to dehumanize
Based on such petty things alone.

We don't get to choose skin color.
We don't get to choose orientation.
We don't choose the conditions of our existence,
And they don't determine our worth.
I don't understand why we can't just love and help each other. Perhaps its for greed, fear, or attention?
Jun 2019 · 153
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jun 2019
Going home seems like a mere dream.

This headache hasn’t let up in ages.

The radio is half static and half old music.

Only three hours left to go until vacation.
At least we get air conditioning.
Jun 2019 · 134
Space Cadet
Gavin Barnard Jun 2019
Freedom.

True Freedom.

There's no such thing.

Even if we had no laws,
We'd still be under the dogma of society,
And without society
We'd still be limited by our core needs.

Being human,
Being physical,
Is limiting.

Such limits don't exist in our imaginations,
Yet people wonder why I often drift off into space.

Time doesn't exist there,
There's no rules to break,
No condescending eyes to judge,
Or narcissistic mouths to boast.

What's not to love?
May 2019 · 177
Untitled
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Lazy, huh?
Is that what you call everyone
Who doesn’t care for motorsports
Smalltalk, alcohol or bonfires?

When was the last time
You’ve read a book?
Is it right for me to call you stupid
Based on the disrespect you’ve shown me?

Honestly, all you do after work
Is watch tv and get high,
Yet I’m the lazy one?
May 2019 · 183
Untitled
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Be sure to bury your dead.
Wouldn't want any more mistakes,
Regrets, or bad memories,
Now would you?
Throw those toxic people out of your lives like the trash they are. Maybe I was toxic in the past, I don't know, its not for me to decide, but I'm trying my best to be a better person. Not for me, but for everybody else I'll meet.
May 2019 · 205
Necromaniac
Gavin Barnard May 2019
They say the calm of the morning is healthy
As though the dead of the night doesnt exist.

The thing about the dead is that they’re asleep,
And they won’t wake up, either.

It makes me wonder if the dead have dreams,
Or if being dead would be better for me.
My life had only just begun
And I’m not excited for any of it.
So what do I do with my imagination? Nobody pays for nonsense, so how am I supposed to live the life I dream of?

4:45 AM is going to **** me, and if it doesnt then hunger will.
May 2019 · 108
Untitled
Gavin Barnard May 2019
Learn to breath at the bottom of the ocean
And nobody will ever find the true you.
They like when their feet touch the sea floor,
They like when they feel safe.

Most people who try end up drowning,
The wise ones turn around.
Maybe I should try reading Moby **** again. Last time I got bored and lost interest : /

Maybe I should have sat on this a little longer than five minutes at three AM.
Apr 2019 · 194
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
I will never pry but I will always listen.
My interest is not in change or drama,
But in comfort.
Your secrets are safe with me.
Perhaps a career in therapy would be best suited to me.
Apr 2019 · 128
Restless
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
Whats the point of going to bed
If I’m just gonna lay here for four hours,
Thinking of things I wish I never thought?

My alarm goes off in three hours.

Do I keep trying, or do something else
And power nap before my first day?
Maybe there’s something at the dollar store that’ll help me sleep.
Apr 2019 · 162
Something Deeper
Gavin Barnard Apr 2019
I don’t like money,
I don’t want any of it.
Does that mean I’m bound to fail?
No, it doesn’t.
Something deeper drives me.

The last thing I want
Is to disappoint my family.
Thats failure to me.
I don’t want to be a leech anymore,
I want to stand on my own two feet
Without somebody holding my hand.
Now I need to find a career that suits my strengths and avoids my weaknesses. Where to look, though?
Mar 2019 · 136
Cold
Gavin Barnard Mar 2019
One of the more hidden,
Gross effects of the cold war
Is how comfortable we are
Knowing that at any moment,
One man may erase mankind
With the push of a button.

Our grandparents were frightened.
Its not like theres anything we can do about it, or is there?
Mar 2019 · 1.1k
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Mar 2019
Maybe a soft heart
Is a disabilty
In this cold world.
Feb 2019 · 127
Pointers
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
You dont care about the facts,
You just want easy answers.
I’m the only one not talking,
So it must be me right?
Nobody here could possibly be a liar.

Quick to point the finger,
Quick to pull the trigger;
As though placing the blame
Will make the problem go away.
League of Legends is full of kids and its toxic as **** and I love it.
Feb 2019 · 134
Blank Books
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
My heart yearns for nothing,
So what is it that I should seek?

Life will always keep pushing us down,
But what if I’ve never stood alone?
Maybe thats what I desire most,
Solitude and independence,
But how should I proceed?

Life is writting a novel with a pen,
You can’t undo your mistakes,
Even if you cross them out
And rewrite history.
But what words do I choose?
Maybe my dad will let me be a shut in for the rest of my life. He’s the best but I dont think he’ll like that, he wants me to do better than him in life.
Feb 2019 · 1.7k
Chara
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
It never was about the killing,
Crushing monsters for the experience or LOVE.
My actions are not without reason, though.
Every monster, every human,
Every living being,
I feel their hatred searing my soul,
I feel their fear crushing my heart,
I feel their determination cutting my throat.

I feel your endless passion and rage to stop me.

Feeling your emotions is what I love most,
Because no matter how hard you try,
No matter how many times you **** me,
I will **** everyone,
Over,
And over,
And over,
Until the end of time.
Chara is my favorite charavter from Undertale,
and I’ll sometimes make characters in other games based around him/her. However, I prefer the true pascifist ending.
Feb 2019 · 127
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Feb 2019
Maybe if I weren’t so ****** up
I’d go and help the people I care about
Instead of feeding my addiction,
Instead of faking impassable obstacles.

Its not my problem
And I don’t owe anything to them,
But I can’t help myself to hate myself
For saying no.
I feel like the betrayer.
Jan 2019 · 118
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
I understand your excitement
For snowmobiles and hunting,
The need for speed, as you call it,
Or supporting your family.
Its thrilling, exciting,
The adrenaline rush is addicting.

I prefer putting my mind to the test.
The satisfaction of completing
A difficult puzzle or book,
Or outwitting my enemies
In a friendly game of chess.
I love writing about the worlds inside my head,
Bringing my imagination to light.

All I ask of you is to try to understand,
Or at least love me for who I am.
There's two sides to every quarter and neither side is the wrong side.
Jan 2019 · 223
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
The path of the fool
Is the only path I’m fit to take.

The rest just push me away.
I want to do so much but have so little motivation. Seems like I’ve been left behind while everybody else got a little help to jump start their lives. I’m so lost and I don’t know which way my road is.
Jan 2019 · 147
Dogma
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
I’ve always wondered
Why people did so much for money.
Its weightless and plentiful, easy to find.
I might need a lot for a giant stuffed animal
Or a bean bag chair,
But why would I go through all trouble
Of collages and careers and mortgages
When I could make my own special nick nacks?

Oh, right, I need to pay bills
So I don’t freeze this winter,
Or so I don’t have to eat dirt for dinner.
The alternative is begging,
And anything is better than that.

With the way humanity is going,
We’ll all be eating ashes and glass,
So I ought to buy my freedom early,
But nobody is impressed by arts and crafts.
Who’d stop by and purchase a dream catcher
When they could spend their money on bullets?
Jan 2019 · 268
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Jan 2019
Slaughterhouses:
Easy to look at
When they’re not on TV.
A thought worth sharing.
Dec 2018 · 192
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Dec 2018
A touch of social anxiety
Makes cold drinks a treat,
Or, perhaps it’s video game addiction.
Making an attempt at reading these books I buy. I have a small library, more books than discs.
Nov 2018 · 1.9k
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Nov 2018
I think I know what I want now,
The purpose I've been seeking,
But what do I know until I try,
And who's willing to offer their time?
Well I mean, there is one guy but we've been talking for months and its going incredibly slow. I'm not sure if he's into me.
Nov 2018 · 116
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Nov 2018
Do you need somebody to offer you multiple choices
Like the common question type on tests,
Or are you strong enough to make you own
And follow through with reason and integrity?
Some people only get one choice.
Oct 2018 · 139
HH
Gavin Barnard Oct 2018
HH
Heroic Headhunters was hardly a guild,
More of a band of friends held together
With popsicle sticks and scotch tape
And tied down with promises he couldn't keep.

I don't know who he has left,
And thats why it crushes me to leave,
But hey, its just a video game right?
Maybe, but he's still my friend.

His history proves he's a control freak,
A self absorbed liar and weak player.
He pretends to be somebody great
But he'll never make it to our level.

He has one thing, and thats dedication.
Maybe thats why I stayed for so long,
But time is a luxury I hold close to my heart,
And I don't want to waste it waiting
To play this game how I want to play.
He's my friend and I still want to play with him but he's holding me back. I don't know if I can do this without crushing him or without lying, but I'm leaving his guild. The last one remaining, other than my cousin, and he's leaving too.
Oct 2018 · 205
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Oct 2018
Its been a measly 21 years
Since the world burnt in nuclear fire,
And those red idiots are already having a war
Over ideals and power.

There will be no peace
As long as there is famine,
As long as there is struggle,
As long as there is life.
If your garden has failed due to weather or some other ****, and your neighbor has more than enough for winter, would you rather offer something for part of his crop or **** him for it? Maybe there's another solution.

Metro 2033 and Last Light are good games, just wish the entire city was open to explore rather than just the certain parts of the levels.
Sep 2018 · 818
Untitled
Gavin Barnard Sep 2018
Just because we're unique
Doesn't mean we're broken.
Occasionally people will mock me for thinking I'm special. Like, "God ******, of course I'm special, just not to you ya **** ****. You don't even know me and there's 7 billion other people you don't know."
Aug 2018 · 2.1k
Memories Worth Saving
Gavin Barnard Aug 2018
Darkness is the night sky after a storm,
The power is out and the clouds are thick,
The only sounds are the creaking of the house,
The crickets outside, and the ringing in my ears,
And the only lights are the cars passing by
And the lightning strikes in the sky.

"Whats there to do other than get high,"
Some might say, while I
Use my time writing this moment down.
A poem captures so much more in darkness
Than a camera without a flash ever could.

A poem captures minds and hearts,
While a picture grabs glances and memories.
People only want to memorize happy moments,
Not heavy rain and power outages,
But this is my happy moment.
When every thing is dark and silent,
When people frown out of boredom,
When I finally feel like I'm truly alone.

Theres no internet connection,
No bars, no service,
Everybody else already left
To go get high somewhere else,
So that only leaves me
Alone with my thoughts and dreams
With no interuptions or distractions.

These are the moments I seek,
The conditions I thrive in,
And the memories I cherish.
I do enjoy spending time with my family (actually I don't I just say that to sound nice but I do love them), but I prefer being alone without internet than at a loud party. I also wanna go take a walk but my flashlight doesnt work and its dark and I don't wanna get lost (or maybe I do).

I also wish the power would turn back on because I just bought Diablo 3.
Aug 2018 · 206
Life Debt
Gavin Barnard Aug 2018
How am I supposed to be myself
When I don't know who I am
Or where I belong?

The world has no need for poets,
Only a small percentage of people care;
Nor does it need gamers
Or impractical ideas.

So I'm just supposed to work for minimum wage
At the cost of my dignity and freedom,
Or conform and accept the debt
And go to university?

I'll be a slave either way,
But my life is not for somebody else to control.
So where do I go from here?
My head hurts and my muscles ache, I hate my job, it makes me want to hurt myself, but I have debts I owe and won't let go unpaid.
Jul 2018 · 168
Daily Thoughts
Gavin Barnard Jul 2018
But that's the thing about humanity.
We're obsessed with progress.
Everything always has to get
Better and better and better,
But when is anything ever good enough?
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