4 am and my pain hasn't gone to bed.
I'm laying still evaluating every word you've said.

4 am and my mind has lost control.
My stomach whirling, my hands so cold.

4 am and I don't know where I am
Lost in a beach of thoughts, each one a grain of sand.

4 am and I can't feel a thing
Close my eyes while the demons sing

4 am and I'm on heavy drugs too
Effects aren't wearing off, neither are my feelings for you

I've heard and read this story over a thousand times.
Two kids at the age of 14 falling in love and calling each other "mine."
Two years later and things aren't set so well.
What felt like heaven morphed into a darker hell.
"How silly of these two to believe in young love.
How ignorant of the girl to put the boy above."
I repeat those words as I continue to read.
Sympathizing what the boy wanted and what the girl felt she needs.

I've since then fell in and out of him.
I lived the story, my mind now dim.
We believed in young love.
I put him above.

I read the same book I read before.
Sympathy became empathy, and I read more.
Every bit of the story sounds familiar.
Reaching the ending drives me crazier.

They always say an old relationship has the same ending.
Rusty trust, salty tears, and repenting.
They say an old love is like rereading the same book.
You know what happens, yet you're still hooked.
"Stop going back, it ends the same, trust me."
But I've always been a fan of painful tragedies.

"Inhale, breathe, and hold."
Her eyes and smile brighter than the sun spotlighting her.
I did as she told to reach a feeling I've never experienced before.
Surrounded by fresh air and THC filling my lungs.
I look at her, eyes glazier than ever, smile wider than the horizon.
Her laughter and smile cause a fluttering sensation in my veins.
An hour or so later we're alone.
The giggles and feeling still striking.
The room feels as if it's spinning, and I swear the music sounds better.
...if like you should sink down beneath
I stopped hearing the song and soon felt your touch on my body.
"Stop." I say softly, though we both know I don't want you to.
And you don't.
...I liked it at first but the more you laugh the crazier I came
All I remember is your lips on mine now.
All I remember is you crawling your cute self on top of me.
The moment was surreal.
But you had to stop me because it was wrong.
He couldn't find out, I couldn't play along.
But we did it again and again, a bit further each time.
I don't regret it at all, in fact I yearned it.
Your giggling and long hair mesmerized me for a minute.

And that minute felt like forever.

*******.

I lay my eyes on you today and resent and remorse are shot through my bones. The sound I craved that is released from your mouth is now just noise. The color of your eyes I had memorized but now I struggle to remember how warm the shade of brown you possess is. I had laughed at all of your jokes, no matter how silly or irrelevant, and now I’m sick of the same punchline and outcome. Your once sparkly and undefeatable smile now dulls my heart, for I have seen brighter and sweeter. Your once soft skin resembles that of a cactus for I attempt my best to prevent any form of contact with you. Your once incredible bed head hairstyle now bores me as much as your personality. I observe and note down mentally the love you’ve shared with myself, with others, and now with your permanent lover. Nothing appears different, not even the slightest. You've yet to change your affection, but you've only changed the who. Similar in many ways, you’re repeating love with a different name. How is it that I believed in every step of what we used to endure that I, in your eyes, was irreplaceable, unattainable to others for you were mine forever, that I was your soul mate, that we were perfect? You now repeat similar if not exact words to another and it baffles me. Does your conscience ever lurk through your heart of stone, with the memories of what was? Do the voices in your head ever speak to you in the middle of night like mine? Two hearts, two minds, similar in purpose yet diverse in what we choose to pursue.

I've done my best to suppress the thoughts of and yearn for you.
Drinking only released my thoughts aloud to you and the world too.
I even tried to smoke it off, I tried to turn my high's into final goodbyes.
I swore another lover's lips would make my unresolved feelings die.
But not another's bed could mold two bodies as perfectly as yours did.
Sure any pair of hands and lips could please, and sure it'd feel like you if I closed my eyelids.
But drink after drink, high after high, and lover to lover, nothing changed.
Unless we can count the loss of my self respect, the love for my being isn't the same.
I swear to the false image of a god that I wished nothing but the best for you.
Yet I never thought I'd see you more content than me in the things you do.
I spend every day with a mask on to hide the hollowness and sorrow.
It's been months and months attempting to move on from this, but you're one tough act to follow.
I sit at home and ponder on where my life has fallen since you've been gone.
Through my facade, my misery was inevitably prolonged.

When I first laid my eyes on you, my heart began to race.
Because as cliche as it could be..
You were such a sight.
Every time we touched I felt the warmth rush to my face.
Every time I hugged you, the smell of secondhand smoke filled my nose.
I may not smoke, but the scent made me smitten.
I hate the cold but loved the way it gave me an excuse to be closer to you.
The way you looked at me made me shake and nervous.
Adjusting to new arms, new eyes to look at, new warmth made me scared.
But in the most positive and thrilling way possible.
I found comfort in your jokes, your embrace, I found comfort in your presence.

I've always feared unknown paths but took a chance.
Being around you felt natural.
Being around you felt right.
So I trusted myself and fell into your sweetness.

Kissing you felt like a cool breeze after hours, years, in the scorching heat.