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JC Mar 2016
Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
A phrase with such sweet sentiment;
A phrase we are told in order to bolster the power of love,
The power of a feeling,
an emotion, that surges though,
that empowers man to do anything.
But this is a lie.
For all of love's great powers;
the greatest of all is to fill us,
to empower us, and to make us feel indomitable,
there is a price.
Behind this force of nature lies an evil toll to be paid to the ferryman.

When man finds love, a hole is filled deep within the *****.
An entirely previously un-felt chasm.
This newly found feeling poured in us, as if from a mighty waterfall
only to envelop us in an armor against the world,
provides us with the ultimate weakness.
The power to lose.
The power to feel the absence;
the void left empty as though carried off with a rush of wind.
An assault to the system from an unseen attacker.
Suddenly our coat is gone, and we are left in the cold.

Naked

Without cloth

Without shelter

Without respite from the frost that chills us to our core

The brightest light cast the darkest shadow, I can assure you of this.
It is better to have never loved at all, than to have loved and lost.
JC Aug 2015
Disdain and enmity,
for which there is no remedy,
gives acrimony inside of me,
for which I have no doubt,

The only way that I can see
an end to animosity,
is a clear and simple breaking free
from shackles which hold me down.

Without your burden, I can be
free to surreptitiously,
achieve a sense of normalcy
to what was once before.

Before the orders conferred to me,
carried out, sans questioning,
I had a life; a dream you see.
But no not anymore.

I used to live quite happily,
free from thinking cynically
of my peers along with me;
Our intentions leave some doubt

To what is just morally,
defensible with sanity.
A torn asunder effigy,
of who we used to be.

My name will fade from memory,
a number chalked in history,
regarded with incredulity
that I was here at all.
JC Jan 2015
I am a bully
I tease and taunt.
I am relentless.
I tell him he is stupid,
He is small,
He is insignificant.
He is too short... to out of shape
Too dumb, going to fail.

He is in shape.
I tell him he is ugly.
He has a goal.
I tell him he will fail.
He wants love.
I tell him he is alone.
Why? I do not know.
However I bully him.
I will continue to bully him
because I am scared.
Am I am scared of myself
My failures. My insecurities.

Why should he be happy?
Happy when I am not.
So I bully him.
I tell him who he is;
And he is me.
  Nov 2014 JC
Jinxx
This glass surface shows myself
It shows how I look, how I twitch
It shows my kinks and flaws
I see how big I am, over run with fat
I see how I wish I looked
Eat an apple go on a run
Eat fruits and veggies
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows my face, my slight collar bone
It shows my pale skin and dull hair
I see I've gotten bigger, wider than before
I see how I wish I looked
Eat some granola maybe some water
Skip a meal maybe two
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows my ribs and my hips
It shows my sullen face and jutting bones
I see I'm still big, as fat as before
I see how I wish I looked
Fast today, Fast tomorrow
Drink some water and have a *******
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows a skeleton with skin
It shows my brown eyes, void of light
I'm bigger than I'd ever thought was possible
I no longer see how I wish I looked, just fat
Fast today, Fast tomorrow
Fast the next week and the week after
Stop consuming stop the fat
If you don't eat you can't gain

Most people don't know this but only 1 out of 5 guys will be diagnosed with anorexia and 2 out of 3 girls will be diagnosed with anorexia. People think guys can't have it. Well truth be told they can and they do diagnose or not. People really do this, they hate them selves because a piece of glass said to. Society just fuels it. I'll be honest and say that this is true for me.
                 ~<>~Jinxx~<>~
*sigh* My life *****
JC Nov 2014
Am I alone?
Just me and my thoughts?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
No. Not alone.
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Do I have friends?
Real friends who can help?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Yes. Yes I have friends.
But am I willing?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Willing to show this side?
This vulnerable side?
Exposed, like a nerve
open to the elements.
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Why do I feel like this?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Its irrational right?
Yes
Definitely irrational.
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

What time is it?
02:42?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Is anyone out there?
Hello?
Why do I feel this alone?
Just me, my brain, and my stupid heart.
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

**** this heart.
**** this lonely heart

Will I find love again?
Or am I doomed to this icy wasteland of loneliness?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Do I want love?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Love makes things worse right?
Worse when it's gone?
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
What time is it?
2:44AM?

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

****....
JC Nov 2014
I am tired.
Tired of feeling alone.
  Tired of feeling unneeded.
   Tired of feeling ignored.
    You only talk to me
      When you need help.
        When you need advice.
           I'll ask
            'Hey how are you doing?'
-Silence
              'Hey what are you doing today?'
-Silence
              
                   I am Sick
                     Sick of feeling useless.
                       Sick of feeling stepped on.
                         Sick of being spoken to
                           only when those around me need help,
                               For they know I will never turn down a 'friend.'
                                    A 'Loved One,'
                                        A 'Confidant.'

                          To whom do helpers turn in time of need?
                                             In times of sorrow?
                                              In times of panic?
                                     What holds the mighty rock?
                                  The rock that breaks the waves?
                                     The rock whose sole purpose
                           Seems to be protection against the sea?
                                            Who helps the rock?
                              When the ground begins to tremble
                                       And open its mighty maw?
                                            To whom do I turn?
                                            On whom do I lean?
              When I am Sick?                                     When I am Tired?
        
                                                                ­                              Because I am Sick,
                                                           ­            And I am Tired
                                          And I am closed.
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