2AM. Anxiety rings
Insomnia with it, it brings
I wish to sleep, close my beaten
Eyes. My thoughts quieten, Retreat in
To the place where I no longer have to think
All the experiences of today and my past interlink
My subconscious taking over with pictures they slink
down into dreamworld I hope I'd go This time I think
But unfortunately, That's not the way it is.
So I lie awake in my bed.
Thoughts
Rushing
around
in my
head
inst
ea
d

How does it feel to feel nothing?
Like a rock at the bottom of a stream. It's just there the river running past bumping it every now and again.
How does it feel to feel nothing?
It feels as a winters day, snow on the floor, sun shining, clouds aloof with mischievous grins, leading on the children for just a little more snow so they don't have to go to school. But there's a tree, in the woods, no leaves, no-one to admire it's  none existent beauty. Instead it stands there half dead, rotting.
How does it feel to feel nothing?
It doesn't

So here I sit,
The near dead of night,
The cicadas calling to each other softly,
A muffled car softly buzzing past, the fence holding back the sound,
Off the rumbling engine and tyres on the ground.

It feels like a storm is stirring,
60 Days no rain, but a drizzle that hit today,
The wind slowly sweeps it's fine fingers across the dreary leaves,
Caressing them in a dehydrated slumber, willing them to keep living just one more day.

So I sit here, listening to all the sounds but avoiding the thoughts in my head.
I don't really know where I find myself today.
In-between a restless sleep and a tiresome day dream.
My head still swarms with thoughts of yesterdays past, and tomorrows new beginnings.
It's a feeling of stalemate, between two champion chess players.
Both feeling the frustration that neither will win.
But for me, I just wait, my head slightly sore with not knowing what to do, what new challenge will next come through the door?
What even do I think, feel or show?
That's the problem, I don't know.

My heart is broken from a relationship breakdown,
Disappointed that he was not the man I thought he was.
Yet an old love stays by my side who I have longed for, for so long.
How can one be happy yet not? It's a feeling I have struggled with for so long.
I feel so alone in my words. No-one can possibly understand how it is that I am feeling, So I speak to no-one of the thoughts in my head.
Instead, I just smile and say that I'm doing just fine for a while.
These thoughts, feelings, things I'm dealing with are mine, and I just need time.
I wish there was someone I could talk to,
And I do indeed miss you.
But you lied, the fire in my heart died, you aren't the man I thought you where.
It's sad to say, for the dishonesty you have to pay and to this day, I will never trust you again.
So this leaves me feeling blue, disheartened but not defeated.

When there's so much to talk about where does a person start without the tears tricking down their face,
All I want to do is cry, but that wont help, not right now, not in this place.
The rain hasn't come yet, and the storm is still brewing.
So instead I stay sitting, typing this poem, listening to the cicadas call to their mate, finding a partner to carry on with their fate.

It's like an ache.
Or a burning. All through my chest.
Teeth clenched. Muscles tight. Brain awake.
The thoughts are brimming, at the top of my mouth.
A metallic taste, the taste of blood.
Eyes narrow, brows furrowed, Nose crinkled.
This is the emotions we aren't allowed to show.

Alone in my room, music loud.
A beastly noise, my throat howled.
A scream creeping from my lungs.
The soft sound of the air slung,
From my lips sweet and soft.
A cackling growing from a cough,
deep within the darkest part of my soul.
It's just another part of being human,
of being whole.

I'm aware.
Just sitting here.
Aware of the sounds of the sweet music, like a nectar in my ear, awakening every cell in my brain.
I'm aware of the soft blanket touching my bed.

Oh how long have I been asleep for, before awakening into this life.
For I have been lost for so long.
It's been a dream state. I've been a dream state for so long. But I don't want to anymore.

I want to awaken and smell the flowers. To feel the gentle touch of this life. Of the reality that I am born into to understand the depth of the life I have been so gracefully granted. To hear the children laugh and to see the kittens play.

For I have been in such a long slumber,  the time before I did not understand, I did not see, just floating in a dreamworld so preoccupied and unaware.

But now... Now I am aware, Now I am alive more so than I was before. I live and breathe with ever ounce of my being. No more doubt no more resistance or hesitance, no, now I breathe. I breathe the air that I have been given. I breathe.