This pen and paper
My future
Do they co-exist?
I live pouring my heart out
Who cares though
People question
Why I do what I do
Why should it matter to them?
It's my life
I'm not harming you
Actually if anything
I'm causing myself
To be vulnerable
All out in the open
Right there for anyone
Plain as day
Just like the words here
The only thing you won't know
Is the exact meaning
I'll keep those locked away
Forever hidden
Everything else is an open book
Go ahead and read
Read what I've longed to share
Try to decipher it
Like I've had to do
Many a time before
Until then here I am
On the shelf
Waiting to be opened

What is normal?
Is it even real?
Why can't we just be ourselves
Not be judged
By strangers
People who know nothing about us
They don't know the uncomfortable feelings
The hate already being thrown our way
Inhumane words
Hitting our shields
They're breaking now
Being smashed
I know mine is almost done for
It might as well be gone
Yet the knives are still being thrown
Heading right for me
Hitting the target
Trying to hit us
Right where it hurts
Will there ever be a day
When we are no longer judged for us
No longer tossed away like expired food
Kicked out of our own home
Seeking shelter
But then being abused
For just being who we are
When are we going to stop being the target
Stop being the abused
Can we not be humiliated and judged
Why can't we just be?
Just be who we are without being hated

I want it to stop
Time is what I need
Too many things going on
I just need a breather

A break that's what I need
Thoughts buzzing
Zooming all over
Never catching just one

Sometimes I just wish my brain
Was a file cabinet
I could easily organize everything
Maybe I wouldn't be going crazy

My mind feels blank
But in reality
It's full
Too full

Maybe that's the reason I'm lazy
My brain works overtime
Not just normal overtime
But severe overtime

I'm trying
Trying my hardest
To just breathe

Stuck
Behind the scenes
Hidden
In the closet
It’s all the same
I’m stuck
No one supports me
The real me
The one I can only show friends
I don’t want to hide it
Not from my family
But I have to
They wouldn’t understand
They’d just say “I’m being selfish”
Or “I don’t understand”
But I’m not dumb
I understand everything perfectly
I know who I am
And who I like
No one can change that
Hopefully people will accept me
For me
Maybe I won’t have to hide
I can finally be true
Unlike most people
It’s relaxing
Finally knowing
Who I am
The mystery is solved
I know me
Who I am was finally
Revealed

All the feelings locked inside
Can't contain them
Someone help
Wait who is there
Everyone's gone away
No one to call on
No help
I've pushed you all away
It's my fault
Life gets ruined due to my stupidity
I wish someone could run to my resue
But who wants to do that
When I always propel everyone away
It's better for them
Sure it makes me toxic
But I can deal with it if it doesn't hurt
If someone gets too close
I hurt them
They become toxic
Just like me
Maybe it's better if you just stay away
Take care of yourself
Hope you live a good life
What? You wanna stay
I guess but it's your funeral
I warned you
Can't say I'll let you in completely
But I'll try not to shove you away
Maybe it'll work out for the best
But I doubt it

Good days
Bad days
Who decides them?
No one really knows what is considered
A bad or good day
It changes with each person
Everyone is a different person
How can you focus on what you see?
Have you ever thought about
What happens behind the scenes?
Hidden, Fake,
I've written poems with these names
And many other names like these
All attributed to the behind the scenes
People judge others' lives based on
What they see
No one cares about the unseen
The late nights
The dark fights
All they see is your "whining"
Or your "laziness"
Not how much effort is put into being alive
The resistance of the strong power of self-harm
Can you people wake up?
Please just realize there are people with serious problems
Some could result in danger
And toxic habits
What would you do if everyone made your "bad day" hell
Where it was so dreadful you didn't want to go anywhere
And you just wanted to end it all

Can you see it?
The pain
Peaking through my eyes
Are you so oblivious?

Am I just that good
At hiding it all
Putting it away
For a rainy day

How can no one see
The pain that's so blatantly
In my heart

The pain isn't mental anymore
Now it's physical
My body feels the mental
Everything is breaking down

Is it just me?
Did the world dim?
Am I losing my mind?

I can't tell what reality is
I can't tell if I'm dreaming
Someone help me
I can't do this

I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy  
No solace