Stubborn as all hell, I am
When you say you just want to be friends
But what happens when I kiss someone else
And want you on the receiving end?

As I pull off her dress,
Wishing it was us making a mess
Feel fire rolling off her tongue, in full heat
But my heart still plays your beat

She shudders and moans the way you used to,
But still
Still she’s not you

I was once a believer in true love
I thought that if someone showed enough interest
And enough care and love
Enough tenderness and consideration
That they would be able to, in turn, be loved and appreciated all the same
When I gave that to you
When I was a mere player in your game
And bought into your plots and schemes
When I believed your excuses, your deceit
I came to the realization that all you did was reject me
You dangled your love in front of me
Just out of my reach
With that, you ruined me
You singlehandedly destroyed any hope I had for true love
I hope you sleep well at night
Knowing you destroyed someone who was once so sure of herself
And so capable of loving
Now all I am is numb

I had never felt closer to a person
Than in that moment
And now we were never farther
And I won't be the one to build the next bridge
Just to see you burn it
I thought you would whisper to me
The secrets of the universe
Little did I know
That everything you had said was falsified
And unimportant
I am not some crash test dummy
You can practice your feelings on
To see which ones break me
Just so you can sweet talk your way through
Life
Eventhough I know you've never been too good with words
The most profound thing about you
Is that you can make people believe you
You can make me believe you
When I have witnessed your manipulation
Time and time again
But I always thought I was different
That must be the most idiotic thing I have ever done
Believe in you
Believe in your words
The ones that used to create clouds for me to live in
I could have lived forever in those words
But just like my smile
They pass
And they won't return
They are waved away into nothingness
And I have to watch as my life fades with them
And I could create a million clouds
And they would still never be enough
I have no new love for you
Just the same feeling of dread
Everytime you make a wrong turn
So basically that feeling never goes away
But
For your sake
I hope you find a way to keep it there
Because you're running out of time
And I'm running out of capacity
And you are taking up too much room
Not in my heart but in my brain
And that's a place I never wanted you

the night and the frost and the words that they speak
your fingers are frozen, your eyelids are closed
the crests and the troughs of your breath in the air
like the language of winter winds;
harsh tones that never go unheard
beneath your feet or inside your ribcage
or even as the frigid night that entwines itself with you
demanding to be felt

With a simple glance at the monster
Icy chills are sent down my spine
And my mind goes back to the eleven-year-old mind I once had
Hurt and confused
By the words that pour out of the monster's mouth
Each one causing a permanent scar on my body
That not even all of the therapists I've been through can fix

The only thing I can't figure out
Is why
Not why it said all of the awful things it did
But why I believed them

I allowed myself to believe anything that came from the monster's mouth
Like a child believes their parents
About Santa Claus
Or the tooth fairy

And just like that child
I grew out of the monster's lies

I have a purpose
I keep trying to tell myself
Now believing a whole new sort of lie
For the monster's lies
are now my truth

tell me
what is love?
i thought i knew
on that saturday evening
when the stars were shining
like the slick pavement
on a beautiful
rainy night
but all i knew
was the beat
of your steady heart.
is it the same thing?

i love the rain
so do you
it matches our souls
dark and beautiful
in times when there
aren’t words to say
it expresses us
in a silent way

saying this aloud
for the first time:
it seems cliché
but then again
so is “i love you”
and i do, i do,
i say it all the time
or at least i think it

so as far as cliché may go
at the moment
while i love you
(or at least I think i do
for I don’t know
what love is…yet)
i don’t mind.

so what is love?
is it a game of pretend?
is it more
than the sum of its parts?
or is it the merging
of two lonely souls
chasing each other
like a dog after its tail?
when i bite the coin,
will it bend under my teeth?

only time will tell
and time
is a harsh mistress
she will not yield to anything
no matter
how politely
you ask her.

and as for now
i do not know the answer
what is love?
i want to know
so that i’ll know
when i am in it
and not let another opportunity
slip away between my fingers
before i get the chance
to grasp it

i want to know
what love is
but most important
i don’t want it from
just any old face
or any old place

the fact is
in a rain-soaked epiphany
that melted the ink
of your all-too-rare smile
into my spinning mind
indelible, not to be erased

i realized something
i might want it
from you
and you alone
so tell me
please

what is love?
tell me so I might know
if we can have it
or if I might feel it
for you

blood stains her canvas
   congealed crusts, fresh streaks
frayed corners and edges
   the tattered toll of pain, loss

how best to depict my love on her
   overlay her with beauty
to develop a patina of care over time
   reduce her suffering to pentimento

her landscape shifts constantly
   with the quality of her light
I must blend to the shade of her mood
   her want...her need

work from the palette of my heart
   in the spectrum of my love
paint her in courted color
   every tone of every hue

brush her being with my caress
   creatively styled to her moment
pastel tenderness...primary strength
   bold strokes of passion...bright splashes of spontaneity

to portray for her a frameless existence
   of unlimited intimacy and peace
but she does not rest on my easel
   and I am merely dreaming of the art of love