I have made love to you in my mind so many times
Have kissed your lips countless times.
Feel you everytime I close my eyes.
I will always love you.
Deeper than I ever did anyone.
And even if we can't be together.
You are forever mine.
He loved you once.
You thought it was forever.
You needed to know you were whole.
Maybe it wasnt the love you needed.
He said 'we were meant to be'.
You strung that up with the stars,
Made it your world.
And now you watch him love another.
Give her the same words he did you.
Make her his orbit.
Dance around her like a moth to a flame.
You tried didnt you? To hold on.
To make him love you again.
You thought if you changed he would stay.
You thought you needed to be what he needed.
No one loves you like you need.
So you make up these stories in your head.
Of how deserving you are.
You needed to feel something.
Besides the pain.
So you let him weave a lie.
Atleast the idea of love didnt hurt.
You're reeling. Crumbling. Crying.
All you see is him happy without you.
You werent enough.
No one can love you.
You're a mess.
But you wont let the story end.
You're not the heroine of a tragedy.
And so you make a pact.
Never to love.
Never to give someone power over you again.
You will make it on your own.
I'm watching you on a loop.
You, me, her. Repeat.
I love you, I love her.
I'm with you. No I'm with her.
And I can't tear my eyes away.
From the inevitable crash.
I know it's going to hurt.
But I'm powerless to stop myself.
From needing you, wanting you.
Casting you as prince charming.
I'm the princess who one day finds love.
Except they don't tell you its fluid.
He wont love you forever.
He wont want to stay.
He was looking for a right now,
And you're stuck in forever.
Together, you are a whimsical dream.
You're a patchwork of scars that are sewn.
He is the thread that keeps your Frankenstein tied.
And when he goes, you will unravel.
Into the abyss.
The cracks are getting bigger,
The pieces of me lost
To people who never cared.
People who said I love you
and please and thank you.
But tore my heart to shreds.
The spaces between my dreams and reality
Become bigger and greater.
The thought of you laughing
And loving someone else.
Breaks my strength to bits.
I'm crawling to the place
Where I can live again.
But it feels like twirling in circles.
Where i dont know which way is home.
How do I break this pattern?
How do I stop hurting?
All I know is the echoes of your name
Brings me to tears.
The ghost of your touch.
Makes me ache.
I wish i never met YOU.
To all the yous who broke my heart
It feels like falling is the only thing i know how.
And I'm broken on the inside
Playing a refrain
That starts with you...
And ends in you...
Let go. Let me go so i can fly.
But when i walk out the door
My legs bring me back to you.
Just when we were starting to dance
You changed the song.
And im stuck.
Stuck on that part where you say
I want to be with you.
Stuck on the moment where i said yes.
And now you say its not real.
And my heart breaks.
Because i was holding on to you.
The strings are a little too deep.
Trying to let go
I could probably recite the names of all the people i loved who hurt me and i wear their taste like stale food in my mouth.
Jacob who wanted intense and then broke me because turns out he didnt know what it meant.
Stephanie who wanted me to watch her husband take all the things she never gave to me even when i begged. I still see her wrack up my regrets.
Natalie who left when i needed her, after promising that we were a team and she wanted whatever form forever took.
Keith who robbed me. My dreams, my future, my peace of mind, my cash and card too.
Walter who said i was the one. Turns out the one is a diversion when marriage or the bar get tedious.
Joshua who was my first love but flew into fits of jealousy everytime i turned heads
Ken who didnt care no matter how much i wanted him to. He took my virtue my idea of love and turned it to apathy.
Some nights i feel their voices in my head telling me i was not enough, i will never be enough.
I drown them out with my tears, music and heartache until they are just an aftertaste of regrets in my memories.
These scars have names
Something about the beat of her heart
Reminded her that she was alive
was that thrill she felt or was it terror?
Something about his eyes
reminded her of a hunter watching prey
she couldn't look away from him.
Something about how he cared
reminded her that she was fragile
he cared more than she wanted him to
He pushed her beyond her defenses.
Something about the way he said no.
reminded her that it was his choice
If she lived or died,
if she was going to be happy
it all depended on when he said yes.
Something about the way he made love to her
reminded her that she was a part of him
he owned her, controlled her, took her
he didn't ask, just took. And she gave.
Over and over and over until they lost themselves.
Something about this,
reminded her of that.
They were soulmates.
They were starcrossed lovers.
When you love someone you can never be with, but you live for the little moments with him anyway; because those seconds make you feel more alive than your whole life has.