I thought I was done experiencing this loneliness

I thought it was over
that I could continue choosing to see and be seen
and I wouldn't feel it anymore

But I can't do anything about this
it's not me
I'm not choosing this
this feeling of intense isolation
it takes months to be built
who knows how long to tear down
again

again

I'm exhausted.

I feel an elastic bubble inches around my entire self
separating me
I push and push and push and nothing breaks it only bends with me and I'm trapped

Sometimes I make poor decisions for myself
knowing they are not good for me, not healthy
and I do them

anyways

and I can't bring myself to care
or judge myself about it
sometimes I make poor choices for myself

one cannot make good healthy decisions all the time

and as long as that keeps me sane, I'll keep telling myself that

I feel an urge for companionship
the desire to sit next to someone
be in the same room
feel another energy
that pull
from my solar plexus
to connect
but I'm alone and scared
so I remain unsatisfied.

I'm hungry
     I want pizza
     and soda
     and ice cream
     and pudding
     and chips
Do you know the best thing,
I have everything but
pizza at home!

I hate this feeling of disappointment

I feel so happy and carefree,
   but the next moment d a r k

The other day at school, Boy1 sent a full-length photo of me sitting in the hallway to Boy2. Offering my body, my self, as a gift.

objectified                                used
         trapped                                              guilty                          at fault
                                    ugly
                                                                       hollow
      *****
                   fragile                      wrong              
                                                                                           empty
             unworthy
                                                                                                   weak
                                             penetrable
                                                    impure
          cheap                                                                 used
                                  objectified

I feel so alone.
In the pit of my stomach, I am alone.
With a dear friend in the next room, I am alone.
still.
no matter what.
I feel it in the quiet moments.
why?
It's like a bit black stain, a gaping hole in my sternum.
completely empty.
I don't understand why.
I just want someone to hold me, know me, accept me.
But when I get the chance, I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
****.

I just want to have fun.

*******. I want to be known. Loved.