What am i supposed to do
When everything is too much
When the idea of getting out of bed
Sounds like the hardest thing of my life
I stand in front of the mirror
I need to wash my face
I need to brush my teeth
So why can't I?
Why does that feel impossible

What am i supposed to do
When my entire life is a game of minesweeper
Always one move away from game over
From an explosion
And when I say explosion I mean of emotion

Anger that shakes me to my core
Anger that makes it impossible to do anything
Anger that makes me yell at you
Even if you don't deserve it.

Or maybe it'll be sadness
Soul crushing heartbreaking sadness
Tears that won't stop until you are choking
Literally choking for air.

What am i supposed to do
When I can't seem to enjoy anything
When everything is lack luster
When everything is pointless.

What am i supposed to do?
What can I do?
nothing.

I'm sorry
Sometimes it feels like thats all i say
I'm sorry for being a mess
And being unstable
Sometimes it feels like i'm sorry is all that i am
Everything i do wrong
My existence hurting everyone
But no more than me
Im sorry
It falls from my lips over and over again
A mantra that i cant stop repeating
Im sorry feels like the only thing
The only thing that can make you stay
I'm sorry
Please don't leave me im trying
I say it over and over
Until it annoys you
And then once or twice more to apologize for that
I'm sorry
That I cant get control
I'm sorry
That all i do is fall apart
I'm sorry
That I hold you back
I'm sorry
That I’m alive

As I lay in bed alone
Darkness closes in.
I realize all I am up against,
The battles that I may not win.
I stress and fuss
Until all seems lost
And desperately I try to sleep.

But all is well,
When you come home.
You slip in next to me,
Gently to not wake me.
Your warmth fills my heart,
Drives out the darkness.
Peacefully I sleep.
Knowing that with you by my side,
There is no battle I can lose.

"Think of something that you know to be true.
There are no wrong answers and only one rule,
Do not overthink this."

My mind is racing,
What do I know to be true.
The grass is green,
And the sky is blue.
I know these to be true,
but these can't be worth writing down.

Love hurts,
Stress kills.
People are mean,
My mind won't sit still.
I know these to be true,
but these are too intense to write down.

We need to dream big,
but start small.
Appreciate everything,
regret nothing at all.
I know these to be true,
but these are too cliche to write down.

So what is something I know to be true?
I overthink, quiet literally everything.

37 sleepless hours,
Felt like a  mistake.
Competition over,
Tests all taken.
But the memories are just beginning.
The room goes dark,
100’s of DECA kids go silent.
The hypnotist begins to talk.
Slow, methodical rhythm.
All care disappears.
The stress of competition is gone.
Seeming to melt off my body.
Eyes become heavy,
Heavier.
Bodies become heavy,
Heavier.
And somehow I'm asleep.
Leaning against you now.
If I only knew then all I know now.
The trauma that would come from this conference
I would have made it 38 hours
Or even 40 without sleep.

Your words continue to bounce in my head
Everything you say,
Seems to have so much weight.
I can't help but think,
Analyze,
Over-analyze.
No matter if it was something said yesterday
or last year.
The words continue to bounce around.

Why is it I am so drawn to you?
Days
Months
Years have passed.
Yet still, im wrapped around your finger.
I fight it,
oh so desperately I fight it.
Yet everytime you come back into my life
I seem to almost start over.
Two steps forward,
one step back.
That's how i've been living my life.
Why?
I really need to know.

Strong hands
Loving heart
Your wish is my command
Your words send shivers down my spine
Or console me to sleep.
Blind fold me,
Taste me,
Play with me to your hearts content.
Hold me,
Sleep with me,
Keep me safe throughout life

I am yours,
Solely completely utterly yours.
Master you truly control me.
My pleasure is yours.
I do as you say,
Your wish my command.
My master.

She loved you.
And she told you so often.
Would curl up in your arms,
Night after night,
And remind you of her love.
She never complained that you didn't care,
Never got mad when you didn't say it back.
She'd cry silently to herself.
And now its done,
And she won't *****,
Or get angry.
She will let you decide,
To be 'just friends'
She will just cry silently to herself.

Phase one:
Ouch.
Her mind starts racing,
Tears threaten her eyes.
Her chest tightens.
Her heart breaks.

Phase two:
Friends?
After everything we have been through?
Really?
Friends!
I love you.
No, I loved you.

Phase three:
Fine.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter anyway.
I'm leaving.

“First it was her eyes
Then it was her smile”
-Passion? by Brandon Lee

She has experienced many a heartbreak, but he was first.
She should resent him for it,
For she constantly thinks about what life was
When it was ok for every thought to be of him and her.

She first fell for his eyes.
Everything was perfect back then.
When she looks back on it,
She remembers how strong the love was,
and how strong the pain was when he said goodbye to her.
But now that he’s back she feels herself falling again for his smile.

Life is so bittersweet,
An old song brings up memories
You smile for the memories
But cry because they are gone.

Life is so bittersweet,
He says he has always loved you,
You smile because you love him too,
You cry because he has someone else.

Life is so bittersweet,
You get the answers you have been searching for,
You smile because you have closure,
You cry because it is too late.

Time comes and goes,
Yet here we are.
The same as we once were,
Only slightly different.
Feelings have not changed.
Forever I will love you.
Forever you will be my standard.
Nothing every changes my darling,
So welcome back.
Shall we pick up where we left off?

Two years have come and passed.
Two years since I last saw you,
Since I last felt your arms around me,
Since I last tasted your kiss.
Since I last heard you say my name
Since I last heard I love you fall from your lips.
Since I last saw those incredibly eyes.
Since I last saw that beautiful smile.
And now here we are,
About to see each other once more...

Your not good enough,
Especially not for him.
Your too difficult,
Not worth his time.
He doesn't love you,
Never has,
Never will.
Why would he?
Have you looked in the mirror,
Ugly
Fat
Gross.
You pathetic
Worthless
*******.
Why should he love you?
You're nothing.
Nothing but an object,
A *** toy,
A play thing.
For him to use,
And throw away.
You're not worth it.

Hold me,
Love me,
Let me be your little girl.
Kiss me,
Touch me,
Let me show you my world.
A world of glitter,
And pink.
Of stuffies,
And cuddles,
And juice to drink.
Come be my daddy,
And feel a love,
So strong and pure.
It all sounds strange,
Believe me I know.
But its worth it..
Come hold me,
And you'll know.

Am I being used?
Do you actually care..
I feel so unimportant.
Am I simply a *** toy,
An object.
Do you love me?
Want me for more then my body?
Will I ever know?

Dying to ask for help,
Go reach out.
But what to say?
I can't even explain to myself..
What's wrong?
I have no idea..

Darling, I love you.
Oh yes I most definitely do.
And I know
Somewhere deep down
You love me too.
Its in the way you hold me
So tight
So close
The way you play with my hair,
Your deep sighs.
"What are you thinking about?"
I ask,
Time and time again.
Your response?
Always simply
"You."

You stupid *****.
Manipulation,
Deceiving,
*****.
How dare you.
Try to say that we wrecked you.
I said I love you,
I told you you were a good mom.
I said I want to live with you.
You stupid ******* *****.
Do you not realize the war that you just started.
Oh you will soon.
Don't you dare **** with me.
Don't you dare
Even THINK about it.
I will never live with you
I will never take care of you
I will never stand up for you again.
How dare you do this.
You are just like your mom,
Hurts doesn't it?
Good.
*******.
I'm Done!

Your arms around me,
I drift away,
Into blissfull blissful sleep.
Your arms my saftey net,
Holding me tight
Throughout the night.
What would I do without you?

I wake in the morning,
Lips tender,
But not sore.
The feeling of your kiss,
Still teasing my lips,
Hours upon hours later.
The memory of your hands,
Roaming my body.
Grabbing,
Teasing,
Pulling me closer and closer.
I can almost feel you,
Hard under my touch.
The way your body tensed.
The sound of your heart,
Beating, racing, pounding...

Is it appropriate,
To tell you I love you.
To tell you,
Just how fast you make my heart race.
To explain,
The feeling of butterflies,
And the tightness in my chest.
May I say,
How perfect it feels
To be wrapped up in your arms.
Or should I keep this,
My little secret.

Am I the only one?
To yearn for the thrill.
To want the buzz.
To feel the need to soar,
Up so high,
Landing higher then cloud 9.
To want to be surrounded,
Snowy powder,
Smoky rooms,
Liquid courage,
Loud music bumping in my ears.
People become a sea,
Dancing,
bumping,
Grinding.
Morals gone.
Happiness found.

An unknown,
Simply liking my poem.
Or so I thought.
With a look at your work,
I'm completely astonished.
So beautiful, and lovely.
The flow, and rhythm,
Absolutely wonderful.
Why then,
Is someone so talented,
With words so graceful,
Looking at work
As amateur as mine.

Skin gets warm,
Blood begins rushing through my veins.
My heart, starts pounding.
Consiouse thought,
Required to keep my breathing steady.
My body,
Reacting to your words,
Wet.
My brain,
Clouded,
unable to really think.
Reduced to being a toy,
Here for your pleasure.
All with just a few words

We Spend our lives,
Searching for such a simple answer.
Who am I?
Determined,
Strong,
Loving.
Scared,
And Fragile.
My life is a contradiction.
I am Leather,
and lace.
With each challenge I face,
Who I am changed
Becoming more clear.
With every obstacle I tackle,
Who i am is more defined.
I am simply me.
Tomorrow I will be different,
Just as I am not
Who I was yesterday.
And that's how it shall always be.
I am simply me.

My feelings are true
Valid and real.
My mind races,
Wonders..
Simply thinking of you.
I love your attention,
Crave your presence.
Need your touch..
But darling I am dangerous
I hurt all that comes near
Run, run far away darling
For I love you my dear,
But that does not matter,
You will simply become the next victim

I could say what is cliche
"Our bodies tangled,
In crimson silk sheets.
Hearts and bodies joined as one.
Passion and love.
Climaxing together,
In sweet unison.
Forever mine."

Or I could say the truth
"Heart pounding,
Mind numbing
Lust.
Moaning,
Screaming,
Begging for more.
Nails digging into your back,
Sweat,
Want,
Need.
Swallowing every drop,
Like a good girl should.
Mine for tonight."

Hearts race
Eyes lock
Breathing is ragged.
Need
Want
Lust
Love
Bodies collide
Hands explore
Lips intertwine
Moans fill the air.

Falling
Falling
F
A
  L
   L
    I
     N
       G
And no saftey net to catch me
Your eyes pushing me over the edge
Your smile making me weak
I'm falling
And there's no hope in surviving

You provide security,
Like a baby blanket to a child,
The stuffie I can't let go of.
You keep me safe of a night,
Allowing me to sleep sound in your arms.
Knowing I am safe from the harm of the world
The harm of my own mind.

There is a tension that exists,
Here between you and I.
Its like a string pulled tight,
Ready to be snap at any moment.
It's forever there,
Taunting both of us.
We try to ignore it,
And pretend that it doesn't exist.
But it's there,
Every time you look at me,
When your eyes lock on mine.
Your words have a double meaning,
As do Mine.
Desperately we try to ignore the tension,
But its only a matter of time.

The sun has set,
No stars shine in the sky.
Just the moon
that sits alone, and secluded.
I can’t help but stare at the way it has transformed.
It is no longer the bright white light that we are so familiar with.
No tonight it is deep red, like the blood that runs through my veins.
As I sit and stare at this lone, red ball in the sky
I remember a story I was told long ago.
The story of the superstition that surrounds the moon when it becomes so red
The superstition states that horror happen on nights like this.
******, ****, crime across the country.
The blood spilled by these people is what makes the moon so red.
Scared I silently close my curtains,
Without the moon my room becomes darker the night itself.
I feel safer,
Knowing I am alone in my room,
Shielded from the horror happening outside my window
A sudden shriek falls from my lips,
As my eyes fall on the corner of my room
I realize that I am not safe,
For I am not alone.

My body aches
Each pain reminds me of you.
Of our encounter.
Of your bright and friendly smile.
I can not help but remember your eyes.
The way they transform from loving to something so different.
Your eyes become something primal,
like a lion stalking your next prey.
Me.
The way your heartbeat speeds up as my moans grow louder.
You are anything but gentle,
As I grow louder, and my breath becomes frantic
Moans turn into screams
Until I break beneath you.
Grabbing onto you,
My hands like claws in your back.
Clawing onto reality as the rest of my body escapes.
When I awake in the morning,
My body is sore.
With marks across my skin,
Reminding me of an encounter that began simply with a smile.

Your words drive me insane,
You say just enough to make my mind race,
Thinking of you.
Your lips
Your hands
Your body.
But you never say enough to control my mind.
It races with out direction,
Without knowing what's wrong and whats right.
You say a simple moan can drive you wild,
And my mind wonders what you would do
If you were ever to hear me.
Shaking and moaning under your touch.
Would you stare at me with a sadistic smile?
Would you continue your slow torture?
Letting your hands roam my body,
Allowing your lips to follow suit.
****.
I want to feel your lust.
Show me what you want.
Show me what you can do.
**** it..
Here I am again,
Letting my mind wander

Master.
One simple word,
but it means so much more.
You are my master,
And me your pet
your slave
your *****.
The things you do to me..
I cant help but want more.
Push me down
Tie me up.
Tease me until I beg.
Please, please.
Oh god please **** me master.
I need you,
I crave you.
Please master.

"Are you a ***** girl"
Your question continues to scroll through my mind.
I once wasn't.
I was the poster child for innocence.
But now, now is different.
My mind can't help but wander,
Thinking about your hands on me,
What they could do to me.
Thinking about your lips on mine,
Or on my body.
I want to know your touch,
Your kiss,
How would you feel inside me.
Yes deary, I want you.
"Are you a ***** girl?"
Yes.
Would you like to become a ***** boy?

Long ago I was different
No cares in the world,
No stress to keep me up at night.

Long ago I was sweet,
Needing everyones approval,
Wanting to be perfect.

Long ago I was innocent
Never yearning to be touched,
Never distracted by the though of anyone.

Now I am different
An adult with much to worry about,
Seeming to stress over everything

Now I am bitter
Needing to look out for myself
Wanting to be happy.

I am no longer innocent
For I have been touched,
and I liked it.

I watch you intensely,
And can't help but bite my lip.
You mesmerize me as you play.
Your hands dancing on the strings,
What would those hands do to me,
If I gave them one chance.
Would they roam my body with the same passion as they do those strings.

My breath hitches as you scream along with the song,
What would that voice do if I touched you,
Ran my hands along your body.

I watch you so closely.
Watching your face as you play.
For one brief second you look at me,
And my heart threatens to beat out of my chest.
I avoid your eyes, and watch your hands dance once more.

In the middle of the city,
We find our safe haven
Darkness surrounds us,
peaceful and silent.
Grass keeps us bounded
As we gaze at the stars.
My backyard is our escape,
Neither of us speak.
We are protected,
from the chaos of the world
But if I flew,
I would run into a cliff.

The water was calm that day,
no rushing water, no waves to disturb the dull sands of the beach.
The beach deserted, no living creature to be found.
It was for the better that all creatures fled.
For the sky darkened that day,
With the promise of a show.
The clouds grew larger,
taking over every inch of the sky.
The sun, much like the creatures of the beach hid in fear.
When the storm opened up there was no need for the sun
Lightning flashed brighter than any camera.
Bolts reached their narrow fingers to the ground,
Just barely touching the surface with their havoc.
Two at a time the bolts would strike,
As if they were dancing together.
The water was calm that day,
But the skies were not.

To experience a concert is unlike anything else
The roar of the crowd only matched by the boom of the music.
My mom, my protector, in the sea of raging people.
The music taking control of each and everyone of them.
She and her friends surrounding me,
Creating a wall between a little girl and the sea.

I do not remember exactly what was being played,
Or what was said.
But I will not forget the overwhelming feeling of awe,
As I watched my idol sang his heart out.

If you look years into the future,
You would find that same girl all grown up now,
Right by the stage at a concert.
My friends and I, we are now the protectors.
Keeping my sister shielded from the sea.
As she experiences for the first time,
The roar of the crowd, the boom of the music.
As she stands in awe,
Listening so closely as the band plays.

Why am I drawn to you so?
Is it the memories that makes it so I cant leave you alone?
I remember the feeling of your lips on mine
How your hand roamed my body.
Why can i not just let you go?
The way you smile,
Those eyes of yours.
That body that I remember oh so well.
Although we have both moved on,
And others have felt our touch,
My dear I will always love you.
And perhaps I shall always feel this lust

I'm lost.
why am I so lost
you haven't even been around that long.
But Its true I'm lost with out you.
Time won't seem to pass.
What time is it anyways.
10. It's only 10.
I miss you
I want you
I need you
I love you
what am I even doing?
I'm so lost.
Maybe you've texted me!
nope.
I need a distraction.
Something, anything to **** the time.
Just come back.
Please.
I'm lost.

Your perfect good girl
Your little *****

Let's cuddle and kiss
oh please make me beg for more

You make me laugh and smile
you make me moan and scream

Your little princess
your ******* queen

Come play in the dark side
don't be scared darling I'll be your guide
come ******* kiss
let me make you shake
let me make your mind race all day

Come feel your power darling
feel me tremble underneath you
come show me what you can do
listen to your name fall from my lips
welcome to the dark side darling.
Welcome home.

Hello darling,
Long time no see.
tell me what do you remember?
The phone calls
the fun
the trouble.
do you remember the taste of my kiss?
or shall I remind you?
hello darling, welcome back.